“Well, that’ll probably be a—”
Before I could get the rest of the words out, he leaned across the table, took my head in his hands, and pulled me to him.
The kiss was fast. Race-car fast. But he was smooth. Like he knew what he wanted and nothing was going to get in his way. It was incredibly flattering.
Was it a good kiss? It was too quick to tell. But it was my first real kiss. And the way he looked at me? The way he held my hand across the table afterward? The way he made me laugh as he got up and did a jig to get the pizza when they called our number?
I couldn’t help but hope more kisses were in my future.
a little unreal
AS I PICKED THE ONIONS OFF MY PIZZA, HE ASKED ME, “SO WHY the fiery hot passion for the Foo Fighters?”
I figured there was no harm in telling him the story. Absentee parents seemed to have become as common as pesky dandelions. Besides, I didn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about my dad the way I did about my mom or Dean. Talking about him seemed a little bit like talking about a movie star I admired from afar.
“I never knew my dad. He left before I was born, and my mom hated talking about him. So she never did. Whenever I asked, she simply told me he left us and I was better off without him.
“One day five or six years ago, I was helping my mom put away groceries and she was barking orders at me. My grandma had recently died, which meant my mom was the only family I had left. I found myself thinking about my dad a lot—wondering what my life would have been like if he’d stuck around. And I don’t know why, but I suddenly had this strong desire to know something about him. Anything.
“So I held out the box of doughnuts she’d just bought and I asked her, ‘Did my dad love doughnuts as much as I do?’ Mom looked at me like I’d gone insane. Probably because my question came out of nowhere. But I didn’t let up. I begged her to tell me something about him.”
Nathan put his piece of pizza down and wiped his mouth with his napkin. “Seems kind of cruel to have never told you anything about him. Why would she do that?”
I didn’t want this to be about her. Talking about my dad was one thing, talking about my mother, and her pathetic parenting skills, was a different thing entirely. I treaded carefully. “I don’t think they went out, if you can even call it that, very long. A relationship based on lust, if you will. I think, in her mind, it was just easier to write him off. Pretend he never existed.
“So, back to the original question. After lots of begging, Mom told me three things about my dad.” I ticked them off on my fingers as I went through the list. “His nickname was Buzz. His favorite movie at the time was Clerks. And he was a huge fan of Nirvana. Specifically, Dave Grohl, the drummer. So Dave kind of became my obsession. He’s the lead singer for the Foo Fighters now.”
Nathan picked up another piece of pizza. “So his favorite musician became yours too? That’s . . . different. I don’t like anything my dad likes. I don’t even like the way he makes cereal.”
I took a bite of my pizza. Despite my efforts, the taste and smell of onions lingered. I wanted to spit it out, but I made myself chew. “In a way, when I listen to their music, I feel close to my dad. It’s the only thing I can share with him, you know?”
Nathan stared at me intently. I felt my cheeks get warm. “I know,” I said, looking down at my lap. “It’s weird.”
He reached over, cupped my chin in his hand, and lifted my face until our eyes met. I felt that electric buzz again. “Actually, it’s really sweet.” After a few seconds he let go and picked up his soda. “And I think you should check out my favorite band, Blue October. That way, when I’m not with you, they’ll remind you of me.”
I smiled. “Okay. I will.”
He pointed to my pizza. “Hey. You’re not eating. So, eat already. Because I sure as hell can’t eat this whole thing by myself.”
“I can still taste the onions. Sorry.” I pulled the crust off and took a bite to make him happy. He didn’t say anything. It felt like he should, though I wasn’t sure what. “Anyway, I feel like I’ve done all the talking. What about you? What do you like to do besides play baseball?”
“You mean there’s life beyond baseball?” he teased.
“I think so. Isn’t there?”
He scooted out of his seat. “I have to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.”
And just like that, he was gone. It was kind of weird. Maybe I was getting too personal for a first date.
I checked my phone. Alix had texted me: HOW’S IT GOING?
I replied back: IDK, I’M NOT GOOD W/GUYS.
Her response: YOU ARE SO! TOO SOON TO GIVE UP K?
When Nathan returned, he stood at the table and pulled out a pack of gum. He offered me a piece. “You ready to go?”
That’s it? Date over? I figured I’d messed up big-time. I’d talked too much and, in the process, scared him away. It was probably for the best, although a small part of me felt disappointed. Maybe with more time, we could have smoothed out the awkward bumps between us.
“Oh. Sure.” I stood up, not sure of the protocol in this situation. “Uh, thanks for the pizza. I guess I’ll see you—”
“No, no.” He shook his head and smiled. “I’m not ready to let you go home yet. I thought maybe we could drive around and you could show me the town.”
I looked outside. “In the dark?”
He leaned in and whispered in my ear. “Yes. Just the way I like it.”
I don’t think I’d ever felt such a roller coaster of emotions. One minute he left me breathless, the next I wanted to dump the disgusting diet soda all over him. Did he do it on purpose, because he liked to keep me guessing? Or was he a self-absorbed jerk and clueless about how to treat a girl? Or maybe he was a bundle of nerves, like me, and actually had no clue what he was doing.
I decided to assume the latter. After all, he had just moved here. Starting over, making friends, figuring out where to fit in—all of that had to be difficult.
He took my hand and led me through the parking lot to his fancy red VW Jetta with New York plates. So that’s where he was from. I hadn’t even asked him and I realized I should have.
We drove around Crestfield, and I pointed out places as we drove past. Like the park where I used to play when I was little. The library where I get most of the books I read. The middle school where Alix and I met. The flower shop where I work.
When we approached the cemetery, I told him my grandma was buried there. He turned and drove in.
“Are you hoping to scare me?” I asked.
“Rae, I’d never do something like that.” I felt his hand on my thigh. “You’re safe with me. I promise.”
Maybe it was supposed to make me feel better, but it actually caused the nerves I’d forced down earlier to come rushing back. If he wasn’t trying to scare me, what were we doing in a dark, secluded cemetery?
He followed the road that wound through the place until he eventually pulled over onto the side of a narrow lane. After he parked, he turned the engine off but kept the radio on. Thank goodness for the dashboard lights and the soft glow from the moon, or it would have been pitch-black.
“Nathan, I don’t know . . . ”
“Don’t tell me you don’t kiss on the first date, Rae. You wouldn’t do that to a guy, would you? Besides, we already did, remember? It’s done and out of the way.” He kissed my neck. Nibbled on my ear. His warm breath gave me goose bumps. Everywhere.
“There’s nothing to worry about,” he whispered. “Okay?”
Then, as his fingers combed through my hair, his lips were on mine. Soft. Warm. Nice. He tasted good. Sweet, like Coke and bubble gum.
And so it went. Music playing. Us kissing. My heart beating wildly. Every once in a while, he’d tell me how beautiful I was. The most beautiful girl he’d ever known, he said once.
I couldn’t believe it was happening. A guy actually liked me. Everything else that had happened between us faded away, and all that remained was
the warmth and attraction. Kissing him was like nothing I’d ever felt before. I felt alive and special. Extraordinary, even. And that feeling, it was something I wanted to wrap around myself, like a soft shawl, and wear forever.
Finally, totally out of breath, and not sure how much longer it could go on before clothes started coming off, something I definitely wasn’t doing on a first date, I managed to find my voice.
“I should, uh, get home,” I said. I stroked his cheek, liking how the stubble felt on my hand. He was so incredibly good looking.
He twirled a lock of my hair around his finger, seeming to be fascinated with it. “What if I don’t want you to go?”
I smiled. “I think you’re supposed to push those feelings down, be the gentleman I know you can be, and take me to my car anyway.”
His hands dropped to his lap and he leaned back into the leather seat with a big sigh. “Yeah. But that’s no fun.”
“No. But I really should go,” I said softly. “I’m sorry.”
He nodded and started the car. We didn’t say anything on the ride back. I could feel the attraction between us lingering, could almost see it, shimmering, in the darkness. I didn’t want to lose it, but I wondered, would it still look the same, feel the same, tomorrow in the daylight?
When we pulled into the Mushroom’s parking lot, I felt butterflies in my stomach. What came next? I wasn’t sure, except that I somehow had to get out of his car and into my own. And I should probably say something before I did that.
“Thanks. That was . . . fun.”
He leaned in and kissed me. “Yeah. It was. Can I call you later?”
“Uh, okay. Sure.”
We pulled out our phones and exchanged numbers. As I was keying his in, he said, “You’re going to delete any other guys you have in there, right?”
“Sorry, what was that?” I asked.
“Any other guys. Their numbers. You’ll delete them?”
I shook my head, still not entirely clear I was following him. “There, uh, aren’t any other guys. I mean, no one—”
He chuckled. “Okay, good. I wasn’t sure. I mean, Santiago told me you were available, but . . . I never really asked you if there was anyone else. It’s just, I think we’re good together, you know?”
I was so confused about what all of this meant. Why would he ask me to delete people in my phone after one date? Did all guys do that? Maybe I was supposed to feel flattered that he wanted me all to himself.
He kissed me again, quickly, and said, “Good night, Rae. Thanks for a good time.”
I got out of the car as I said, “Bye.”
He waved and took off, while I stood there, both excited and terrified about what had just happened with Nathan Sharp.
really and truly
ALL THAT KISSING MADE ME HUNGRY. OF COURSE, THREE BITES of pizza isn’t much of a dinner, either. Nathan called me as I was inhaling a peanut butter sandwich. I let it go to voice mail because I just wanted to eat and go to bed. When I played back the message, it said, “I was hoping to hear your voice one more time. Hopefully tomorrow. Sweet dreams, Rae.”
I went to bed feeling dazed and confused.
On Sunday, Nathan called me three times. The first time, we didn’t say a whole lot, and it was pretty awkward. I hung up worried that last night’s magic had been lost forever. He must have been worried too, because he called back a little while later and asked me questions about English. He also had Ms. Bloodsaw for a teacher, though in a different period. The conversation went much better that time. The third time he called, he spent twenty minutes telling me about his old school and all the friends he’d left behind and missed.
“Why don’t you call a couple of them and say hey?” I asked him. “They’d probably love to hear from you.”
“No,” he said firmly. “I’m not gonna do that. People move away. Things change. Life goes on. I’m making a new life here. A good one. A better one.” He lowered his voice. “Mostly thanks to you.”
It sounded so strange—like we’d been going out for weeks, not for a day. I didn’t know how to respond, so I changed the subject and we talked about Blue October. I’d listened to a few of their songs earlier, and although I could tell they’d never be my favorite, they were all right. He thanked me a bunch of times for listening, and I knew it made him happy that I’d taken the time to check them out.
Finally, he said he should go, since he needed to help his mom with something. Maybe I shouldn’t have felt relieved, but I kind of did.
We hung up, and I went to the kitchen to get some food. Mom and Dean were talking. I hadn’t seen them yet, since they’d slept in, like they did most Sundays. I stopped at the edge of the hallway and peeked around the corner. They sat on the couch in the family room. Mom had her arms around Dean, whose back was toward me. She was using what I call her quiet-the-baby voice. I hadn’t heard it since the morning we got the news that Grandma had died. When Mom told me that Grandma had slipped away during the night, her battle with the cancer finally over, I was devastated. I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without Grandma in it. So Mom held me in her arms, and tried to quiet me down. Just like she did with Dean now.
“Shhh, it’ll be all right now, don’t you worry, honey.”
He sobbed as she rocked him ever so slightly back and forth. “I’m so sorry,” he managed to get out.
“I know, Dean,” she said. “You’ve already said that at least a half a dozen times. You need to pull yourself together and start looking for work. Tomorrow you’ll get yourself to the unemployment office, and you’ll find something real soon. I just know it.”
They sat there, quietly, until he finally sat up, wiping his face with the back of his hands. He looked so small. Pathetic.
I continued on into the kitchen. Mom saw me and called out my name.
I peeked my head out. “Yeah?”
“Dean here, he feels real bad about losing his job. We need to make sure he knows we support him and believe in him. All right?”
“Sure,” I said, heading back to the kitchen, where I could roll my eyes in private.
Their voices became whispers, and I felt like an intruder. I grabbed a couple of slices of cheese from the fridge along with a box of Wheat Thins and snuck back to my room, leaving them alone, the way they liked it best.
• • •
On Monday, Nathan was waiting for me by my locker. It took me by surprise. Even more surprising? He kissed me before I even had a chance to say hello.
“I missed you,” he said, his eyes searching mine after I pulled away. What was he looking for? School wasn’t really the place to see if we could make sparks fly again.
I went to work on my locker combination, trying to ignore the funny feeling in my stomach. “But we talked three times yesterday,” I told him.
“You can’t do this on the phone.” He kissed my neck and then whispered in my ear, “Did you miss me?”
It tickled. I raised my shoulder to my ear, gently pushing him away. “Maybe.” The truth was, I had thought about our evening together all day long. One minute I was sure we belonged together, and the next I wanted to send a cowardly text, telling him maybe we’d be better off as friends. Alix’s voice kept playing in my head, though. “As soon as things start moving in that direction, you pull away.” I kept telling myself I needed to give it more time. It was too soon to know anything.
Once I had my locker open, Nathan spun me around and kissed me again. This time, slower. Softer. “You must have missed that,” he whispered. “Right?”
He gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Good thing I had the wall at my back, because the way he looked at me in that moment? I’m not sure my legs would have been able to hold me up.
Okay, so he was right. I had missed that.
After I grabbed my books, Nathan took my hand, weaving his fingers in with mine, and walked me down the hall toward the benches. It felt like every pair of eyes in Crestfield High was watching us. Girls smiled at us
in that aren’t-they-so-adorable way. And when I saw a couple of them whispering about “that hot, new guy” and me, any doubt I’d felt earlier slipped out the front doors. Being with Nathan suddenly felt as right as Grandma’s ring on my finger.
Alix and Felicia could hardly contain their excitement. I watched as they squirmed in their seats, beaming at us.
When Santiago came up and slapped Nathan on the back, Nathan turned to greet him. The girls used that opportunity to pump their fists in the air and give each other a high five.
I leaned into Nathan and put my arm around him. He did the same. I had to admit, it felt really good to have someone to lean on like that. I felt safe. Cared for. And I didn’t usually feel that way.
When the bell rang a few minutes later, he kissed me good-bye. “See you at lunch?”
I nodded slightly. Felicia pushed me toward English class. “Bye,” I said as I waved back at him.
“See you later, beautiful.”
“Are you kidding me?” Felicia squealed. “One date and you guys are holding hands at school and kissing good-bye first thing in the morning? That must have been some first date.”
I tried to play it cool. “Yeah. I guess you could say that.”
She laughed. “It’s okay, Rae. You don’t have to be modest. I’m proud of you. Seriously, you two make a sweet couple.” She reached over and squeezed my arm. “I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks,” I told her.
We took our seats and I felt myself relax. People were happy for us. We were good together. Everything was going to be okay. Nathan was just . . . enthusiastic. And I was inexperienced. We’d figure things out. Together.
Settling into my seat, I noticed a reminder on the board about the looming poetry deadline for the newspaper. I’d forgotten to look for something to submit. When Ms. Bloodsaw started lecturing on literary devices, I flipped through my poetry journal. I landed on one I’d written a few months back, and I loved how well it summarized the contrasts in my life. It reminded me, too, of how life is often a wide range of emotions, and I felt comforted in that knowledge. Of course a new relationship was going to be that way too.