riding up on a horse,
with lunch in a basket
and me in his heart.
Rescue me.
it’s personal
SCARLETT WAS SITTING ON THE WHITE BENCH IN FRONT OF Cutting Edge when I arrived for work after school. I admired her darling red-and-white vintage dress. Scarlett’s a genius when it comes to thrift-store shopping. She took me shopping with her one time and I learned so much about how to scour the racks for the best finds.
“Rae!” she said in her raspy voice. “Haven’t seen you in a while. You staying out of trouble?”
“I’m trying, Scarlett. I swear, I’m trying.”
She took a long drag of her cigarette, then blew it out and smiled. “Good girl.”
“What about you?”
“I have a cut and color in a couple of minutes with Mrs. LaBlanc. I’m telling you what, I could hardly sleep last night because I was so damned excited to hear all about her hip replacement surgery.”
I laughed. “You love your clients and you know it.” I motioned toward Mack’s. “I’m gonna get myself a tea before I head to work. You want anything?”
She raised her coffee mug. “I’m good, sweetie, thanks for asking. Have a nice afternoon, okay?”
“You too.”
My stomach growled as I opened the door to Mack’s. I hadn’t eaten lunch. I told my rumbling stomach to shut up. Only three hours until dinner. I could wait.
Mack’s Bean Shack is a cute coffee shop with regular tables in the center of the café and big, comfy chairs along the walls. It’s an inviting place and does good business, but the place was empty that afternoon. Leo stood behind the counter, his back to the front door, as he ground beans. The strong smell made me blink a few times. I definitely prefer the sweet smell of flowers to the pungent aroma of coffee.
When he turned the noisy grinder off, I said, “Hey, Leo.”
He startled, but smiled when he saw me. “Rae! How you been? You want your usual?”
“Yes, please. And I’m okay. Busy with school.”
He grabbed a cup and started filling it with hot water. “I’m glad you came in. I brought a book I think you might like. Have you read Through the Wilderness?”
“No. What’s it about?”
He rummaged around in the basket of tea bags until he found my favorite, green tea with jasmine. I do love flora, even in my tea. “It’s about this sixteen-year-old kid who travels back in time,” he explained, “and ends up riding for the Pony Express. The writing is unbelievably good.”
“Hmmm. Okay. I’ll have to check it out.” I pulled the newspaper and a couple of books out of my backpack as I searched for my wallet. Leo slid the mug of hot water and the tea bag over to me.
“Don’t worry about it, Rae. I’ve got it covered.”
“Thanks, Leo.”
He snatched up the school paper. “Hey, can I read this?”
“Sure. Take it home, if you want. I can pick up another copy for myself tomorrow. You worried you’re missing out on some top-notch journalism or something?”
I put the tea bag in my mug. Leo tucked the newspaper under his arm as he went to the glass case and pulled out two oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, another of my favorites. Clearly, Leo was my snack-time hero.
“I just like reading it. For a few minutes I can pretend I’m a regular kid going to high school like everyone else.” He walked around the counter and came over to where I stood, then handed me one of the cookies. “Take a seat and I’ll get that book for you.”
I sat at one of the tables in the middle of the café. When he came back, I had only one bite of my cookie left.
“You were hungry.” It was a statement, not a question, but I nodded anyway. He sat down and pushed his cookie, along with the book, toward me. “You can have mine. I’m kind of sick of them anyway.”
Yep. Hero. “Thanks again. For the tea. The cookies. The book.” I sighed. “You’re like the sweet whipped cream alongside the dry, burnt cake.”
He chuckled. For the first time I noticed a dimple on the left side of his face. I loved his smile, how had I missed his dimple?
“Rough week?”
I blew on my tea then took a sip. “Understatement. But I don’t really want to talk about it. What about you? What are you doing for fun these days? Besides sneaking into bars with older women?”
Leo flipped open the newspaper, his eyes skimming the headlines. “Right. Besides that.” He looked up at me, his eyebrows raised. “You really want to know?”
I smiled. “I don’t know. Do I?”
He turned the pages of the newspaper again, stopping at “Poetry Matters.” “It might sound weird, but I love making crazy videos. I go outside, down the street where there’s a patch of woods, or to a park, or anywhere, really, and I’ll shoot random things. Then I edit the clips into one piece, set it to music, and upload it.”
“Do you have a channel?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“I’d love to check it out.”
“Nah. I think, for now, I want to remain anonymous.” He looked at me. “I mean, no offense. It’s just—”
“It’s okay. I get it. It’s personal. Kind of like your diary or something.”
“Yeah. In a way.” His eyes returned to the paper. I could tell he was reading one of the poems.
I don’t know why I did it. Did I hope he’d confide in me if I confided in him? Or did I want someone to know pieces of the hidden truth? I’m not sure. Leo just had a down-to-earth quality that made me feel like I’d known him forever. If I was going to hand my trust over to someone on a silver platter, something told me Leo would not only accept it, he’d take care of it.
I reached over and pointed to my poem. “I’m actually quite familiar with wanting to be anonymous.”
He followed my finger. Then I sat back, picked up the second cookie, and let him read.
When he finished, he looked at me. The expression on his face wasn’t one of pity or disgust, which I half expected, even from someone as kind as Leo. Instead, he looked at me in a way that simply said, I hear you.
“It’s really good,” he said.
I felt my cheeks get warm and suddenly I felt very shy. I’d just let someone into my life as well as my writing, neither of which I did much, if at all. “Thanks,” was all I could manage to say.
“Does it help? Getting the words out like that?”
I set the remainder of the cookie down, staring at it, afraid of the vulnerability I felt. “Yeah. It does. I have journals filled with them, so that tells you how screwed up my life is.”
I meant it to be kind of funny, but it didn’t come out that way.
“Rae, if you ever want to talk—”
I let out a little nervous laugh, suddenly kicking myself for thinking it was a good idea to show him that poem. “No, I’m fine, really.” I stood up and tossed the book into my backpack. “I should get to work. Nina’s probably wondering where I am.”
He stood up too. “Oh. Right. Well, let me know what you think of the book, okay?”
“I will.” I looked at him before I turned to leave. I wanted to say something. Let him know how much it meant that he’d said just the right things. But all I could say was, “Thanks again.”
His warm smile reassured me that I didn’t need to say anything else. “Anytime.”
How come I never noticed that dimple before?
desperate
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” I ASKED.
Nathan got up from the bench where I’d seen Scarlett ten minutes earlier and stormed toward me. “Who is he?”
“What? Who?”
He grabbed my arm and pulled me past the front door and window of the Bean Shack. Before I knew what was happening, Nathan had me pinned against the wall, his face inches from mine.
“I saw you,” he hissed. “With that guy in there. You think I wouldn’t find out?”
I tried to shake free. “Nathan, stop it. What is wrong with you?”
“Tell
me who he is.”
“He’s a friend. That’s all. I went in there to get a tea. He works there, and business was slow, so he sat and talked with me for a few minutes.”
Nathan didn’t say anything. He just stared at me, like he was trying to figure out if he should believe me or not.
“Look, you’d better let go of me before I knee you where it hurts.” He slowly loosened his grip. As he did, I shook him off and took a few steps away, grabbing my backpack, which I’d dropped in the scuffle. His face changed at the realization of what he’d done. He looked like a lost little boy. Sad. Confused.
“Damn it. Rae. Are you okay?” He took a step toward me.
I held out my hand for him to stop. “Don’t come near me. You need to go. Now.”
“Let me explain first, okay?” He looked like he was going to cry. He took another small step toward me. “I really needed to see you. It’s my dad. I saw him with another woman on my way home. He kissed her, and then he helped her into a car. I’d always suspected that he’s been lying to us. But it made me sick, seeing it, you know? I didn’t know what to do. Where to go. So I came to find you. Your truck was in the parking lot, so I knew, when you weren’t at work, you had to be around here somewhere. I looked through the café window and when I saw you, I freaked. It was like seeing my dad all over again.”
Nathan put his face into his hands. His shoulders shook as he let out the quiet sobs. I took a deep breath. The guy was obviously not himself. Hesitantly, I went to him. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. He cried into my neck.
When his sobs finally subsided, he pleaded, “Please don’t be mad at me. Please. I need you, Rae. You’re the only good thing in my life.”
“Nathan, I—I don’t know.” I pulled away, thinking back to when I first spotted him sitting on that bench, waiting for me. I should have been happy to see him. He was my boyfriend, after all. But that’s not what I’d felt. I’d felt smothered. And now, after what he’d done? Yes, he was hurting, but that didn’t mean he had the right to take it out on me.
“I have to go to work, okay? I’m late.”
He wiped at his cheeks. “Can’t you call in sick? I don’t want to be alone right now.”
I shook my head.
He started pacing, waving his arms around. “If you don’t give a shit about me, like everyone else, what’s the point, Rae? Huh? Why should I keep trying? What is there to live for, then?”
I felt like I was inside some kind of horrible nightmare. What was I supposed to do? He was obviously in a lot of pain, but he might be playing it up now, just to get his way. On the other hand, if I left him alone and something awful happened, to him or to someone else, I’d never forgive myself.
“All right. Go wait in your car. I’ll talk to Nina. I’ll tell her I have a family emergency or something.”
He bent down to kiss me. I moved my face so his lips landed on my cheek. I wasn’t in the mood. “Thanks, beautiful,” he whispered. “Thank you so much.”
Because I have the most awesome boss in the world, Nina didn’t even blink when I asked if I could have the afternoon off because of a family emergency. She told me to go and said, “If I can do anything to help, you let me know, okay?”
As I walked to the parking lot, I thought about Nathan and his dad. I certainly understood messed-up parents. But I didn’t know what to say or do to make Nathan feel better. I racked my brain. Where could I take him? What did he need right now to help him feel better? I thought of the one thing he loved more than anything: baseball. I decided it was worth a shot.
I found Nathan leaning against the hood of my truck. His face was blotchy and red. He rushed to greet me, but I held my arm out again. He stopped. I wrapped my arms across my chest and looked at him. This was my boyfriend. I should have felt sympathy, and all I felt was anger. Lots and lots of anger.
“You know, you never apologized. For what happened back there.”
“I didn’t?”
“No. You didn’t. And let’s get one thing straight. That will never happen again. I’m not your father. And I’m not anyone from your past who may have hurt you. It’s not fair to assume the worst. I don’t deserve that.”
His blue eyes looked dull. Their normal sparkle had completely vanished. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
I think it was the first time I’d ever heard Nathan say those words. I wondered, was that because he didn’t hear them at home? Neither did I, but it made me understand their power even more. With Nathan, it seemed like they simply didn’t matter.
“Please believe me,” he said. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
I forced myself to let the anger go as I gave him a hug. “Come on. I’m going to take you someplace fun.”
On the way to the batting cages, I drove and he talked. He said he’d had a hunch that the reason they’d moved to Crest-field was because of another woman.
“Even though I suspected an ulterior motive, a part of me didn’t want to believe it. I wanted this to be a fresh start. I let myself imagine he’d be home more. Doing family stuff again. Maybe he and I would do things together like we used to, before he became so famous.”
As he talked, I realized how much he sounded like me. Yeah, Nathan had a lot more money than I did. He had a beautiful home, with a mom and a dad who were married. But beyond that, what we felt inside, what we longed for from our families—it was the same.
The difference was, I’d found things to do with those feelings. I let them out through my poetry. And I’d promised myself to be different from my mom and Dean.
I thought of my grandma and one of her favorite sayings. The first time I heard it, I was staying the night at her house when the electricity went out. Together, we lit candle after candle throughout the house until warm light embraced us and I didn’t feel scared anymore.
She told me that night, and again many times later, “Where light shines, darkness disappears.” As I got older, she explained to me that in life, all kinds of darkness exists, and we can create light in more ways than simply lighting candles.
I looked at Nathan. I don’t think he’d ever learned that. And I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe it might be too late.
wish i could be a cat
HITTING A BUNCH OF BASEBALLS SEEMED TO HELP. AT LEAST, I hoped it did. When Nathan’s arms seemed to grow heavy and he started to miss more than connect, we left. The ride back to Full Bloom was peaceful and quiet, as he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.
I pulled into the parking lot, next to his car. “So where will you go now?” I asked him.
He shrugged. “I’ll go home. See my mom. Act like nothing’s changed. Like my dad is out touring the country, promoting books, when he’s right here in town, sleeping with another woman. I guess if my mother wants to live in a bubble, I will too.”
“Doesn’t she check online to see where he’s at?”
He shook his head. “Not that I know of. Like I said, it’s a bubble, Rae.”
I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen when that bubble popped.
I let Nathan give me a quick good-bye kiss, and then I went home. Dean was glued to the TV, watching his beloved wrestling. As I fried up the meat for a taco dinner, the phone rang. Dean answered, and I leaned in to listen.
“Oh, come on now, Bill. It’s a sure thing. I should do three times that. In fact, maybe I will.” He laughed. “Hell, yeah. Let’s do it. No pain, no gain—isn’t that what they say?”
Dean said something else I couldn’t hear and then hung up. I tried to figure out what he meant by no pain, no gain. Was he going to start working out? He certainly had the time. I wanted to tell him he should be using that time to find a job, but I kept quiet.
When the tacos were done, he took his plate and went back to the family room and I took my plate to my room. I watched some YouTube videos on my laptop while I ate, and then I gave Alix a call.
“Hey,” she said. “What’s up?”
“I had the w
eirdest afternoon ever,” I told her.
“At work? What happened?”
I leaned back against my bed. “No. Before work. Nathan came to the shop and saw me talking to my friend Leo, who works at the coffee shop next door, and he flipped out. I mean, seriously, Alix. It scared me.”
“He wouldn’t hurt you, though. You know that.”
Did I? “You should have seen him. It was ridiculous. I mean, Leo and I, we were just talking.”
“Stupid jealousy. Why do boys have to get like that?”
“Part of it is he’s having trouble at home.” I paused. “Alix, I think I want to break up with him. But I’m not sure he can handle it. He keeps saying stuff like he needs me and I’m all he has.”
“Well, if he’s having a hard time right now, he probably does need you. It’s not very nice to kick the guy when he’s down, you know?” She wasn’t being mean, just honest. And I could tell by her tone she was concerned, for both of us.
I sighed. “I know. Still, it’s not right. Nothing feels right with him anymore.”
“Aw, Rae. That sucks. You guys are so cute together. Maybe things will get better. You never know. I’ll bet he feels really bad.”
Just then, my phone beeped with another call. It was Nathan.
“That’s him,” I said.
“See? He’s probably calling to apologize again. Go talk to him. It’ll be all right. I’ll see you tomorrow, ’kay?”
She made it sound easy. Like another apology would solve everything, and with a snap of my fingers, I could forget what happened. But it was so not easy.
“Yeah. Bye, Alix.”
I watched the phone buzz. Then I turned it off. Because as far as I was concerned, there wasn’t anything left to say.
• • •
The next day I took a tardy, on purpose. Anything to avoid seeing Nathan.
While we worked on an in-class essay, Ms. Bloodsaw called me up to see her. I took a seat in a chair by her desk. I wasn’t worried. She wasn’t the type to get upset.
“What’s your cat’s name?” I asked, admiring the picture of her tabby with green eyes.