He doesn’t wait for an invitation,
just barges in with his
greasy hair and bloodshot eyes,
smelling like a garbage dumpster.
If you aren’t home, he sneaks in
through the window and quietly waits
for the perfect moment
to JUMP out and scare you.
You try to get rid of him.
Threaten him.
Bribe him.
Feed him one day.
Starve him the next.
Offer him a drink.
Or five.
A hit.
A pill.
A razor.
Anything to get him to
leave
you
alone.
Sometimes he disappears for a while.
But he always comes back,
stronger than before.
You feel like you’ll never get rid of him.
So you finally deal with him, straight up.
You look him in the eye and tell him
he can’t hide there with you, forever.
You tell people about him.
Through words. Through music.
As much as possible, you share.
Because if there’s one thing that’ll
make him leave and go hide somewhere else,
it’s being exposed
for the whole world to see.
Be strong when you feel
like the strength is gone.
It takes work.
It takes time.
But Pain,
the unwanted guest,
doesn’t have to stay forever.
when it rains, it pours
“HEY, I DIDN’T SEE THIS ONE,” ALIX SAID, GRABBING A PURPLE AND black T-shirt off the rack.
I couldn’t believe my best friend. Most of the time she was content in jeans and T-shirts, helping her dad fix up cars. But we’d been shopping at the City Girl for over three hours. When she set down the monkey wrench and let out the girly girl, there was no stopping her.
I reached over and pried the hanger out of her hand and put it back on the rack. “We are done, Alix. Remember? That bag in your hand? It’s filled with two hundred dollars’ worth of stuff you already paid for.” I pulled her toward the door. “Come on. I need some caffeine or I’m going to fall over.”
“Isn’t it so fun, the whole shop till you drop thing? Let’s do it again tomorrow.” Yeah, she would think it’s fun. It’s fun when your adoring father hands you a wad of cash and says, “Have a great time, sweetheart.” It’s not so fun when your wallet is emptier than a flower shop after Mother’s Day.
“Rae, are you sure you don’t want to go back and get something? Those jeans you tried on looked amazing, I’m telling you. It’s your day off! You need to live a little.”
“I am living, trust me. This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time.” I opened the door and pushed her out into the rainy evening.
“Hurry!” I yelled. We ran toward my truck, which was parked a few blocks down the street. Alix held her shopping bag above her head to shield her from the rain, but I had nothing. I felt like I needed to be squeezed out like a sponge by the time I climbed into the truck.
Alix slid in next to me, laughing hysterically. “Holy monsoon, that was insane.”
I reached into the glove box, pulled out some napkins, and squeezed the ends of my hair into them. Then I tilted the rearview down so I could see myself. Mascara streaked down my face, so I tried to wipe it away with one of the napkins.
Alix squeezed my forearm.
“What?” I said, still occupied with the napkins and wanting the use of my arm back.
“Rae. Look out your window,” she whispered.
I jumped. It was like something out of a horror movie. A guy stood a few feet away, with no coat or hat or umbrella, in the pouring rain, just staring at us.
The window was fogged. “Is that—?”
“Yes,” Alix said, her warm breath on my neck. “I’m pretty sure it’s your boyfriend.”
As I searched for the keys I’d tossed onto the seat, Nathan tapped on the window.
“Are you going to open it?” she asked.
“I don’t think I want to,” I said.
She pinched my elbow. “Rayanna Lynch, that’s your boyfriend out there and something’s obviously wrong with him. Open the flippin’ window!”
I did as she said. “What are you doing here?” I asked, more annoyed than sympathetic.
“I need to talk to you.”
I shook my head. “Nathan, I asked you to give me some space.” I put the keys in the ignition and started the truck.
“Can you call me later?” he asked. His hair was plastered to his head and rain dripped down his face, like he was crying a bucket of tears. “I need your advice about something. That’s all.”
Alex piped up before I had a chance to reply. “Of course she’ll call you. Do you need a ride somewhere?”
“Nah. I got my car.” I could feel his eyes on me, but I kept mine straight ahead.
Alix waved good-bye as I rolled up my window and pulled out into the street.
“He must have followed us, right?” I shivered.
She blasted the heat. “He probably heard us yesterday, when we were talking about shopping.” Then she said quietly, “You didn’t have to be so mean.”
“He was being creepy. Besides, how was I supposed to know that he wasn’t going to go ballistic on me again, like he did the other day?”
I shivered again just thinking about it.
The rain started to let up a bit and I turned the wipers down a notch. I gripped the steering wheel tight. “I told him I needed some space. I asked him to leave me alone for a while—which he refuses to do. He keeps sending me e-mails. And running into me in the hall, even though his class is nowhere near mine. And now this?” I pushed my damp bangs out of my eyes. “I don’t know what to do. Alix, what should I do?”
“Did you know Santiago and Nathan went out last night after Santiago got home from his away game?”
“No.”
“It was late, but Santiago told me Nathan had begged him to go. He said they went to the cemetery. Nathan had a six-pack in his car, and apparently started crying after he downed a few. He wouldn’t tell him why.”
I pulled into the parking lot behind Full Bloom and Mack’s. The rain had let up. It was just sprinkling now.
“It’s such a freaking mess,” I said after I turned off the truck. I rested my elbows on the steering wheel and put my head in my hands. “If I break up with him, I’m afraid he’ll go off the deep end. If I stay with him, he’s going to suffocate me. And after his outburst the other day? I’m kind of afraid of him, to be honest.”
I turned and looked at Alix. Her eyeliner was smudged and her hair was super frizzy. I couldn’t help it. I started laughing.
“What? What’s so funny?”
“You’re such a sight,” I said.
“And what? You’re Miss America?” She reached over and stroked my wet, stringy hair.
“Think we should go in, looking like this?”
“Yes. If anyone deserves a hot drink, it’s us. Maybe the caffeine will clear your brain and help you figure out what to do.”
I could only hope.
Inside Mack’s, a few people sat in the comfy chairs, but it wasn’t very busy. We went to the counter, where Aaron, Leo’s brother, took our order.
“Got caught in the downpour, huh?” he asked.
I smoothed my hair and acted offended. “What!? Why would you say that?” I smiled. “Yeah. We practically swam here. Which is why we need some warm beverages. Can I have a green tea with jasmine please? What do you want, Alix?”
“I’d like a mocha. And give us two of those oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, please.” Before I could hand over any money, Alix thrust a twenty toward Aaron. She looked at me. “I got it. You were very patient while I worked hard at spending all of Dad’s
money. It’s the least I can do.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and half hugged her.
Leo walked in through a back door carrying two pans of freshly baked cookies. “Oh, can we have the ones fresh from the oven?” Alix asked. “Please?” She pointed behind Aaron at Leo.
Aaron handed her the change. “Sure. Take a seat and I’ll bring everything out to you.”
After Leo set the pans down, he came to the counter. “Hey. You girls out for a stroll on this gorgeous day?”
“Yeah, you like our new hairdos?”
“Very nice.” He swept his bangs out of his eyes. “Though I’ve still got you beat.”
“Leo, this is my friend Alix. I don’t think you guys have met before.”
They shook hands and exchanged greetings. Leo was warm and charming, like always, and I wanted to talk to him some more. I asked him to join us, hoping Alix wouldn’t mind.
“Let me get these cookies off the pans,” he told us, “and then I’ll take a quick break.”
We sat at a table, and Leo joined us a minute later. When Aaron brought our order over, Alix said, “Ah, much better. Food, drink, and no drenched boyfriends sneaking up and giving us a heart attack.”
I glared at her, as Leo looked at her curiously. “Drenched boyfriends? Sounds kind of kinky.”
Alix laughed. “Well, I don’t think Rae’s that kind of girl. Though, what do I know? Are you, Rae?”
I wanted to crawl inside the coffee grinder and die. I tried to think of a way to quickly change the subject, but it seemed impossible.
“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend,” Leo said. “And why was he sneaking up on you?”
“Long story,” I quickly said, before Alix had a chance to blurt out the whole ugly truth.
Alix blew on her mocha. “You’re gonna call him soon, right?” she asked. “Make sure Nathan’s okay? You’re acting like he’s some kind of a monster, and he’s not. He’s just a guy. A guy with some troubles at home.”
I instantly felt guilty. Troubles at home. Of all people, I should understand what that was like.
“Leo, I need your help, man,” Aaron called out.
He stood up. “Sorry, girls. I’d love to hear more, but duty calls.” He looked at me. “I hope everything’s okay. Let me know if I can do anything.”
I gave him a little smile, appreciative of his kindness, although it was embarrassing. First I showed him my stupid poem, and then he finds out my boyfriend is acting like a crazy person.
“Let’s get out of here,” I picked up my tea and cookie.
“What? Why? Where are we going?”
I shrugged. “Your place? It’s normal there, isn’t it? I really need some normal about now.”
She stood up. “You gonna call him?”
With a deep sigh I said, “Yes.”
I glanced at Leo as we left, thinking about his offer to help. Just like Ms. Bloodsaw had done a few days ago. Did they do that with everyone? I decided they must. After all, that’s what nice, normal people do.
the hospital—4:15 p.m.
I’ve heard it said normal is overrated.
How can anyone say that?
When things are normal, you don’t worry so much.
You don’t cry so much.
You don’t make mistakes again and again and again.
I’ve made so many mistakes, I can’t even count them all.
“Her mom’s here. Admitting has her. Can we wait?”
Right now, it feels like there isn’t a person in the world who’s made as many mistakes as I have.
“Yes, let’s wait. Her mom probably wants to see her.”
My mom? Okay, maybe one person.
I’m not sure I can go back to that place.
A place where all I do is screw up.
I always thought that I’d kept a level head.
That at least I’d stayed normal, despite everything.
But look at me.
If that were true, would I even be here?
four months earlier
the season of giving
WINTER BREAK WAS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. TEACHERS were piling work on at school, cramming our brains with information, trying to make up for the fact that soon we’d have two weeks with nothing to do but eat frosted reindeer cookies and watch A Christmas Story seven or eight times.
After school on Thursday, Nathan walked me to my truck. It was one of those clear December days where the sky is ice blue and the sun is shining, but you can’t even feel it because it’s so dang cold. I had three shirts on plus my coat and I was still freezing.
Nathan took my face in his chilly hands and kissed me softly. “Call me later? After work?”
“Sure,” I said. “But I thought you were going out with your parents tonight. To celebrate?”
“Oh. Right. Well, we should be home by eight. It’s just dinner. I mean, the guy’s hit the bestseller list before, so it’s not like it’s that exciting.”
A cold wind whipped past us. I pulled my coat around me tighter. “I hope everything goes all right. You feeling okay about it?”
“Yeah. Things have been much better lately.”
“Good. I gotta go. Talk to you later, okay?”
As I hopped in the truck, he waved at me, grinning from ear to ear. He’d been a perfect gentleman the past few weeks. After that day in the rain, I’d called him and we’d had a heart-to-heart. I’d told him showing up out of the blue like he’d done wasn’t okay. He said he’d just been so desperate to talk to me. That he needed help figuring out how to confront his dad about the woman he’d seen him with in the parking lot. He said he couldn’t pretend with his parents that everything was fine when it wasn’t.
I’d told him he should tell his dad what he saw, and then wait for his dad’s response. Confrontation was never easy, but sometimes necessary.
After that, we’d talked about us. I made sure he understood how I felt. I told him he couldn’t be so needy with me. The constant calling and texting, the surprise visits—all of it had to stop. He’d promised to back off, and told me how much I meant to him. He’d sounded so sincere, and remorseful. I felt like I had to give him one more chance.
The conversation with his dad wasn’t pretty, but it went all right, and it accomplished what Nathan had hoped for. His dad promised to stop seeing the woman immediately and he’d begged Nathan for forgiveness. Since then things had apparently been going well, and now they were going out to celebrate his tenth book hitting the New York Times bestseller list. As a family. Nathan had been the picture of happiness all day.
I was almost to work when I noticed my fuel light had come on.
“Aw, man,” I exclaimed. It seemed like I’d just filled the thing up a few days ago. There’d been a lot of deliveries lately. Full Bloom had a van, but sometimes I’d use my truck when necessary.
Payday was yesterday. Soon Dean would make me sign over my check and most likely give me forty dollars, just like the past few times. My heart sank at the thought. I needed to ask Nina for some gas money.
I found her and Spencer hunched over the worktable, twisting and folding silver ribbon, making bows.
“Hey,” I said when I entered the back room. “Are those for the wedding on Saturday?”
Spencer looked up. “Hi, Rae! Yes, they are. We are planning to turn that little Methodist church into a winter wonderland for the two lovebirds. It’s going to be fabulous!”
“Are you doing all white flowers?” I hung up my coat.
“White with a touch of blue,” Nina said. “I special ordered some hydrangeas that’ll be arriving by airmail tomorrow. The bouquets are going to be exquisite! Just wait.”
“Oh, Rae,” Spencer said, “before I forget, there was an envelope outside the door again this morning. You know, with your name on it? I left it by the register.”
My mouth fell open. I couldn’t believe there was another one.
Please deliver a nice flower arrangement to this address:
825 Englewood Avenue
The flowers are for Ella. Sign the card “From a Friend.”
I went back to the workroom. “Fifty dollars and a delivery from a friend,” I told them.
“You know, I like this floral philanthropist, whoever it is,” Spencer said, standing up and reaching his hands to the sky to stretch. “I love the idea of sneaking around, making the world a better place by sending flowers, and not wanting anything in return.”
“Like a ninja of nice,” I said. “But aren’t you dying to know why?”
“I doubt we’ll ever know,” Nina said. “Spencer, will you do the arrangement? You okay with delivering it, Rae?”
“Yeah, of course,” I said. “Except my tank is on empty. I hate to ask, Nina, but since I’ve done so many deliveries in my truck lately, I was wondering if you could help me out with some money for gas?”
“Rae, absolutely! You should have said something sooner.”
She walked over, took the envelope from my hand, and took out the money. She handed me forty. “There. I’m so embarrassed. Forgive me?”
“It’s fine,” I said, touching her arm. “And thank you. That’s more than enough. You sure you want to give me that much?”
“I’m sure, hon.” She turned to Spencer. “So what should we do for this one?”
“Her name is Ella.” I’d never quite understood why, but they liked to know the person’s name. Maybe certain names scream certain flowers?
Spencer clapped his hands together. “Let me whip up something Ella will adore. I’m thinking lots of red holly berries, white roses, and maybe some lilies. Rae, you want me to see if I can find a Santa suit for you to wear for this one?”
“Uh, no, think I’ll pass. I’m not really good at the whole ho-ho-ho thing.”
“That, my friend, is a very good thing in my book.” He winked at me. Oh, Spencer.
While he went to work on the bouquet, I examined the handwriting. Young or old? Male or female? Friend or stranger? Impossible to tell.
Maybe Ella would give me a clue. I could only hope.
special delivery #2