“You’re a sight for sore eyes,” Austin says. He wraps his arms around me tightly and I feel like a burrito. He looks adorable in an untucked white linen shirt and deeply distressed jeans that are frayed slightly at the thigh. “How are you holding up? I tried calling you all day,” he says. He smells like peppermints. Ahh . . . I feel better already.
Oh wait. I forgot.
“I, I, um . . .”
This is the first time I’ve seen Austin in person since he maybe said he loves me. It’s been over a week since we’ve been face-to-face due to all this craziness. We’ve talked, but asking him to clarify the love question over the phone seemed cheesy (well, to be honest, I was dying to, but Nadine said it was a bad idea). I’ve been rehearsing what I would say to Austin when I saw him, but now that I’m here, I’m at a loss. I search his face.
Does he look like someone who is in love? Am I supposed to say, “Hi. I love you too”? Am I ready to say it or do I want to say it because I think he’s said it? This whole thing has left me feeling so awkward around the one person I truly trust. “I, um, I, um . . .”
“Burke, what’s wrong?” Austin laughs. “Don’t tell me you ran out of things to say after all that talking today?”
I grab a coconut shrimp from a waitress making rounds, pop it in my mouth, and nod. Maybe if I just keep stuffing food in there, I won’t have to talk to Austin about the L-word all night! Yippee!
There’s definitely enough food here for me to do that. The great thing about Liz’s parties is that no matter what the occasion, the scene is as hot as a celeb part-owned restaurant opening. Tonight she hired DJ Samantha Ronson to spin tunes, has a parade of waiters carrying everything from curry chicken to spinach quiches, a sushi chef making fresh Maki rolls, and even “SATs ARE OVER” gift bags done by celeb gift basket giant On3 Productions containing cucumber herbal eye wraps, Archipelago candles, and Origins Peace of Mind stress-relief cream. Liz’s dad is a celebrity lawyer to the stars (including me) and makes up for his long hours at the office with a no-limit Amex for Liz. No wonder Liz’s parties are the most coveted invite at her school.
“Laney booked me so tight I barely had time for a bathroom break,” I explain to Austin. Laney forgot to leave a slot open for lunch too, so I am starving. “Your e-mails kept me going.” I can’t look Austin in the eye. What if he drops the L-bomb again, right here? What would I do?
HELP!
Austin smiles. “Listen, I wanted to talk to you about the dance.”
OH NO. OH NO. OH NO. OH NO!
“Hey.” My friend Allison walks over wearing a cute fitted ballet-neck tee and slim jeans. “How are you holding up? I hate that Alexis Holden. You poor thing.”
SAVED! Oh wait. She’s talking about Alexis. That’s not an easy conversation to have either. Hmph. “I’m okay. How are you?” I ask instead.
Beth hugs me too. “We saw you on Access Hollywood.” She pushes her tortoiseshell frames onto her nose as she stares at me with sad eyes. Beth’s in a houndstooth mini and a cream-colored sweater. “Who would be stupid enough to circulate a bogus script? Seriously, are you okay?”
“It’s good she’s getting out,” Liz says as Josh appears at her side. Besides Nadine and me, Josh is the only other non-Clark person at this party. Josh puts his arm around Liz’s waist. “It will take your mind off what’s going on.”
“You’re not being fired, are you?” Josh asks. Liz elbows him hard and he winces.
“Of course not!” Liz admonishes. “They’ll find out who did this and fire them and then everything will be back to normal.” Liz flashes me a big smile. “Besides, Daddy says you’re still under contract through the end of the season. If they’re axing any teens, it can’t be you.”
“Oh, because I keep reading that Kaitlin is a suspect and with all the fighting you’re doing with Alexis, you and Sky might be the ones to go,” Josh adds.
“You can’t believe that stuff, ” Austin tells Josh. “Kaitlin isn’t going anywhere.” He squeezes my hand.
“I’m sorry,” Josh apologizes as Liz gives him the evil eye. “I thought . . .” He trails off.
“It’s okay, Josh.” I try to sound light. That’s how I was with Nancy O’Dell earlier. (“This whole mess has been blown way out of proportion. We just want to concentrate on fixing FA right now. I hope to be there for a very long time.”)
Everyone stares at me sympathetically and it’s beginning to make me feel worse. Like I’ve already been fired. “Guys, forget about me,” I tell them, turning on my acting charm and thinking of the countless party scenes I’ve done as Sam over the years. Sam and Sara have always been the coqueens of the Summerville party scene. Well, at least they were until Colby arrived. “You guys should be celebrating, not worrying about me and some silly TV show.” I laugh, trying not to sound fake.
“Let’s change the subject,” Austin suggests. I could kiss him. But then he says: “Let’s talk about your birthday instead.”
I groan. “That’s not a good topic either. How about politics?”
Nadine laughs. “Austin, hasn’t anyone told you? Kaitlin hates her birthday. Something goes wrong every year.”
“I’m jinxed,” I admit.
“You are not,” Liz scolds. “You’re just a victim of some bad party planning. Seriously, Austin, at the last party her mom and Laney threw, paid for by Neutrogena, I knew exactly two people. They didn’t invite anyone Kaitlin knew.”
“I’ve heard all the horror stories,” Austin cuts them off. “But I’m not giving up. There’s got to be something you’d like to do. Tell us, Burke. You’ve got witnesses.”
“I can’t think of anything,” I say. “I’d rather hear about the SATs.”
“Liar,” Austin accuses.
“How do you all think you did?” I ignore him.
Everyone starts talking at once and I hear a few collective groans mixed in.
“The essay was tricky,” Austin admits.
“I didn’t mind that as much as I did the sentence completion section,” Liz says. “The questions were much harder than the ones in last week’s sample tests.”
“The math multiple choice,” Josh says. “I got tripped up on that student lottery question.”
“Me too!” Liz says. “I answered 3/8.”
Josh frowns. “I think I picked 2/9.”
“The worst part is the waiting,” Allison interrupts. “I can’t believe we’re not going to have the results for a month! I don’t think I can take it.”
“I took the test three times before I was happy with my score,” Nadine says. I stare at her in disbelief. Nadine didn’t ace it on the first shot?
“Let me guess — you scored a lowly five hundred in writing?” Liz jokes.
“The test was a little different when I took it,” Nadine says brusquely. “But in answer to your question, on my third test I got a fourteen eighty out of a possible sixteen hundred.”
“Show-off,” Allison mumbles.
I laugh, but I’m distracted by a familiar voice coming from the TV.
“Hi, I’m Brian Bennett, and you’re watching Celebrity Insider! First up, the question on everybody’s lips this weekend — Who’s being axed from America’s beloved nighttime soap, Family Affair?”
“Could somebody shut that off?” Liz yells. Instead of hitting the power button on the remote, the girls on the couch turn the volume up so loud it’s drowning out Maroon 5.
“It’s no big deal,” I assure Liz, trying hard not to listen to the gossip show even though part of me wants to hear what they’re saying. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Ever since last week’s fiery walkout and bogus script caused more drama on the set of Family Affair, Celebrity Insider and fans have been wondering what would happen next. The show’s executive producer and cocreator says otherwise, but sources close to the show say heads are going to roll.”
“Nobody in our cast is going anywhere.”
That’s Tom talking. I still won’t turn around and fa
ce the screen, even if everyone else I’m standing with can’t help but watch. I hear Josh whisper to Liz: “I told you so.”
“Sources tell Insider that whoever created that fake script will obviously be on the unemployment line alongside Peter Hennings, who plays Dr. Braden. But rumor has it that someone else will be getting the ax as well. Since it’s the teens who’ve plagued the set with delays and a Vegas PR nightmare, our sources hear that the network wants one of them to go to show that this kind of behavior won’t be tolerated. They’re just trying to decide who — their new shining star, Alexis Holden, who is rumored to be difficult to work with, or their longtime siblings act, Kaitlin Burke and Sky Mackenzie. But don’t listen to me. Let’s hear them speak for themselves.”
“Brian, Brian, Brian, do you really think if I was being fired I would sit on your couch and deny it?”
That’s Sky talking. She’s always had a thing for Brian, even though she pretends she doesn’t. I wait to hear if her charm works.
“Even if you’re not going anywhere, Sky, you can’t deny your feelings about your costars. It’s no secret that you and Kaitlin Burke have never gotten along.”
Sky taped an interview with him today, just like I did.
“Who says? Kaitlin and I may not spend every waking minute together, but I certainly respect her as an actress. I would work alongside her any day.”
“Wow, what did you have to pay her to get her to say that?” Liz gives me a wink.
“Guess that deep frost between Sky Mackenzie and Kaitlin Burke is finally thawing, because Kaitlin, too, had nothing but kind words to say about her costar.”
I slowly turn to face my on-screen self. At least a dozen partygoers are staring at me. There I am, larger than life, wearing the same dress I have on now. I’m sitting cross-legged, leaning my two elbows on the arm of Insider’s earth-tone-striped couch. My hands are resting under my chin and you can prominently see the Coach Gallery Breast Cancer watch that Mom insisted I wear (“Everyone knows proceeds from the watch go to charity,” she said. My stomach turned as I realized what she was implying. “You’ll look extra sympathetic.”)
Brian looks at me with concern. He’s wearing a blue pin-striped suit and his pompadour is unusually bushy.
“The rumor mill can’t stop talking about the alleged script that basically wrote Sam and Sara off the show. Is it true? And what about the fight in Vegas? Did you really throw a punch at Alexis Holden? Tell us the truth: Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Brian. Thank you for asking.”
I give him my thousand-watt smile and laugh. Brian is giving me a tougher time than his darling Sky.
“As far as I know, Sky and I aren’t leaving the show. But if you’ve heard differently, Brian, please reveal your sources. Inquiring minds want to know.”
“You look great,” Austin whispers in my ear as Brian proceeds to grill me about my feelings toward Alexis, the vibe on set, and the truth about the rumors behind Alexis’s supposed behavior toward selected cast members (I deny, deny, deny, just as Sky and I were told to do). “And you sound even better,” Austin adds.
“So there you have it, folks — right from my pals Sky and Kaitlin themselves. The only FA member not talking these days is Alexis Holden. Ever since the showdown in Vegas, FA’s newest star has shut the door on the media, only increasing the speculation about her supposedly difficult set behavior. All flacks for the star would say is, “Alexis Holden has no comment at this time.” Hmm . . . they’ve been saying that for weeks now. Could it be that Hollywood’s newest golden girl has finally tarnished her halo? Stay tuned. After the break, Angelina Jolie tells us why she thinks she’s ready to adopt again.”
“Are you okay, Kaitlin?” Allison asks as Insider cuts to a Thanksgiving Hallmark commercial.
“Of course she’s fine,” Liz says defensively. “She squashed Brian Bennett. By the way, what was up with his hair?”
“Seriously, somebody needs to tell that guy to get a haircut once in a while,” seconds Nadine. “He could be a stand-in for Donald Trump.”
“Do you want to get some air?” Austin asks me while everyone continues to discuss celebrity manes. I nod.
Austin leads me past the offending TV, past the sushi chef who offers us a spicy tuna roll, past the Clark girls whispering about me on the couch, and onto the vast Mendes patio. I’m surprised there aren’t more people out here. Aside from the couple dipping their feet in the water by the man-made waterfall that empties into the hot tub, we have the yard to ourselves. It may be November, but the night is still balmy in Los Angeles and the sky is so smog-free that you can actually see stars. I take a seat on a teakwood rocking love seat.
“Kates, I wanted to talk to you about . . .” Austin begins, but I interrupt him.
Oh God. Here it comes. The L-word! “It’s okay! You don’t have to say anything!” I say hurriedly. “You didn’t mean it.”
“I didn’t mean it at all,” Austin agrees.
“Oh.” I try to hide my disappointment. “That’s okay. It was kind of soon, I guess.” I trail off.
Austin frowns. He takes a seat next to me and his long legs touch the etched stone pavers on the ground while my heeled toes dangle in the air. Pushing off the ground, Austin begins to swing us gently back and forth. “I don’t know what you mean by soon, but I did want to say I was sorry. I hope you didn’t think I was rude for refusing to let you give me an actual present.”
OH.
OH! That’s what this is about? He’s not talking about the L-word! Maybe he does love me! “Not at all,” I insist happily.
“Because I was telling Mom and Hayley and they thought I shouldn’t have been so gruff about the whole thing.” Austin looks nervous. “We were just having such a great time, and all I could think about was . . .”
NOW he’s going to say it. He’s going to apologize, even though he doesn’t need to, and then he’s going to toss in how he said he loves me. I just know it. And then we can get it out in the open!
“. . . how I had the coolest girlfriend on the planet and I didn’t care about a gift. I hope that didn’t offend you.”
Hmph. I so can’t read guys’ minds. “I wasn’t offended at all,” I tell him, but I must look upset because Austin seems really concerned and reaches for my hand.
“I feel like an idiot,” he says. “Why am I talking about this when you have so much on your mind?”
“It feels good to take my mind off work,” I say.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Austin asks, and I realize I kind of do. And then we don’t have to talk about love, or not being in love either. Maybe that’s easier right now.
I tell him exactly what happened when we walked off set. All about how Laney and Amanda sprang into action, working around the clock to get us as many interviews as possible that would let us tell our side of the story. They’ve also been leaking their own information about Alexis’s attitude problem. I talk about how Sky and I have teamed up to pre sent a united front and prove to the show, Tom, and the world what an asset we are to have around.
I have to admit, I was petrified about what would happen when Sky and I walked onto set the first day back. I thought everyone would be mad at us for delaying filming. But in reality, everyone from crafty to the crew was incredibly sympathetic about what happened, and Melli and Spencer welcomed us back with open arms. Alexis has actually steered clear of us and has been telling anyone who will listen that she’s “mentally exhausted and worried for our job security.”
Tom has still been so busy trying to find the script bandit (the crew’s new nickname for the culprit) that he hasn’t had time to meet with Sky and me yet. He’s been totally professional, but he hasn’t seemed like his usual self and that worries me. His assistant swears he’ll talk to us any day now. God, I hope so. My stomach is in knots waiting to hear who is being canned. No matter how many times Laney says FA needs me and will renew my contract, I can’t help but worry. Alexis has had people fooled pretty well for
a while now. Laney’s answer to that is to stay out of Alexis’s way and pretend to be nice to avoid any more problems. I’m not sure that’s enough.
“Laney and Mom keep telling me I shouldn’t be upset about what happened last week. They say the whole thing will blow over and my job isn’t in jeopardy. They’ve drilled it into my head that I should tell every reporter I’m fine, but the truth is, I’m not fine,” I tell Austin. “Not in the least. And you want to know the worst part? It’s not for the reason everyone thinks.”
“What’s the real reason?” Austin asks. The rocking motion of the swing is soothing. I lean my head on his shoulder.
“You promise you won’t tell anybody?” I whisper hoarsely.
“I swear.” He crosses his heart. “I’m having a hard time following everything that’s happening. It’s so weird seeing you and Sky doing interviews together and being on the same team.”
“I know,” I admit. “But Alexis is awful, Austin.”
“It sounds like it,” he agrees as he strokes my hair. He waits for me to speak. How does he know me this well already? It’s only been six months since we started going out. My eyes fill with tears and the words start tumbling out.
“This whole thing is my fault!” I practically cry. “If I hadn’t been so caught up with being jealous of ‘Alexis, the new girl,’ then I would have seen what she was about from day one,” I say. “I would have been prepared to fight back, like I did with Sky in the past. We wouldn’t have had a meltdown in Vegas and Sky and I wouldn’t have been so angry that we walked off set last week. I’m more professional than that.”