I sneered at him. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sticking around. If only to make your life a living hell.”
He laughed. “You’re doing a good job at that.” The gate screeked and he disappeared.
The sky was turning pink. Pink and pewter and gold and dragon fire red. Colors blazed the sky, swirling and spiraling over my head. Suddenly I was moving, walking, circling the tank to the west side.
Here was a whole different world. Miles and miles of fields — brown now, but late in summer they’d be filled with sunflowers. I’d forgotten about the sunflowers. Their beauty, their expanse. To the south, River View. Was that the last thing he saw, his final resting place?
Oh Dad.
I lowered myself to the walkaround, dangling my legs off the edge. Now, when I wanted to, I couldn’t cry. Guess I was all cried out. It’d hit me later, I knew. I wouldn’t fight it anymore. I needed to get beyond it.
The sun began a slow descent, infusing the sky with dazzling hues of brilliant color. A spectacular show. They probably didn’t have sunsets like this in Michigan.
Michigan. It seemed so far away. I was going to Michigan. I had to go. Not to make a name for myself, like Darryl said. I had a name. Mike Sza-bo. Mighty Mike Szabo. Darryl was wrong about Szabos hating ourselves. I didn’t hate myself. Not for being born. Not for the person I was. I was a good person. I tried to be, anyway, kind and generous. Giving. I could be more forgiving, maybe, toward Darryl. Toward Ma. I’d try.
I didn’t even hate myself for being gay. I just wanted to get to the place where Jamie was. Stage three. Past wishing I’d been born different, to accepting that I was. Finding the joy in that. It didn’t seem so far to go.
It was away from Coalton though. To a bigger place, more populated, where I’d find her, the girl of my dreams. The one who wouldn’t think it didn’t mean anything, okay? The one who’d realize that being loved meant everything. It meant everything to me.
Beyond Xanadu, there was a girl out there I could love, one who could love me back. And when I found her, I’d bring her to Coalton.
I’d show her this town, these people. We’d build a life here. Because Coalton was a good place to make a life, raise a family. This town was a family. It’d raised me.
Jamie’d been right about Xanadu. She’d played me. She’d used me. I didn’t hate her for what she’d done; I could never hate her. But I didn’t think I’d be finding her a job at The Merc. I wouldn’t be calling her later.
I watched until the sun slipped under the horizon and put itself to bed. Bed sounded good. I needed sleep. Dreams too. Big dreams. My dreams. I thought of Dad. Where he was. What he was doing. Rest in peace, Pops.
I stood and took one last look around. I’d never get enough of this, the beauty of Coalton. I raised my eyes to the sky. “Good night, Dad,” I said. Just in case he was up there, painting me a dawn.
Julie Anne Peters, Far From Xanadu
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