Paul felt like a blind man, who was suddenly able to see. His entire world had been turned upside down and backwards. The implications were boundless. He’d been a lucky, selfish, oblivious, self-absorbed, stupid, fucking golden child. Unaware of how truly blessed he was. Ignorant of all that his parents had done for him. Unconscious of their love.
I’ve been such a fool. Everything that Paul thought he knew, was wrong.
The mental and emotional snowstorm was back, a blizzard of confusion. His mind was overcome. In an instinctive desire to give himself clarity, he sought one truth. One thing that he knew for certain. When he found it, the buzzing confusion in his head stopped instantly.
Emily.
She was like a beacon, guiding the way in the midst of his mental snowstorm. She knew him. He knew her. Emily loved him, and he had run. What an idiot. For the first time in his life, Paul realized that heart and soul, he loved her, as completely as she loved him.
He turned the ignition on, and drove off to find her.
Chapter 41. Déjà Vu
Paul called André on his hands free, while driving, to discuss his plan. He wanted to date Emily, to talk to her, and spend quality time with her. He wanted them to really get to know each other, at a whole new level.
There was too much on the line. It meant way too much to risk fucking things up again. Usually, Paul went for sexual gratification for his partner and himself through domination and control. That had been his only goal. Yet, with Emily, he wanted to show her how much she meant to him.
“To court a woman must never to be taken lightly!” André advised. “Careful thought and preparation is imperative. Are you dressed in a way that shows her how much you respect her? What would she enjoy? What are her interests? Can you surprise her with a considered activity? Perhaps, in a manner that she does not expect? Seduction involves elements of grace, class and elegance. It has the most worthy goal of genuinely pleasing another. It is an art and a gift, for both the seducer and the seduced.”
“Do you think I have a chance, André?”
André chuckled. “Mon ami, we both know that Emily is yours.” There was a long moment of silence. “You do not feel this is true?”
“I don’t think I’m good enough for her.”
This time André’s laugh was much louder, and much more amused. “Eh bien. For me, I can only agree with you. Where would the world be without women? Emily is beautiful. In this, I do not speak of the body. She is naturally generous and giving. She will spend her life, striving to make you happy. It is in her nature. Does anyone deserve such a gift?”
“I don’t want to screw this up.”
“She is not a fool, you are lucky in this. When you treated her badly, despite her love, she was willing to let you go. Do not underestimate her. She knows her own mind, and her value. If you work very hard, I believe that you can deserve her love.”
Paul thanked André for everything, and hung up, feeling more at ease. He was stopped at a set of lights, when Jai returned his call, apologizing for not answering his phone. Paul filled him in on everything that had been happening. While he’d already told him that Candy had been Emily, it was still a long conversation.
“Bloody hell,” Jai said, in his strong British accent. “You’ve had years of major life changing occurrences, all happening in a few days. So what’s the plan now?”
“I’m going to try to make it up to Emily.”
“Good,” Jai said. “I’ve known you a long time. True, at first I thought you’d lost your mind with Candy, but it was clear right from the start that she made you happy. I don’t think you’ve ever been really happy, Paul.”
“I didn’t know what I was missing.”
“The fact that Candy is your best friend that you’ve known since childhood, only makes it better. In my humble opinion,” Jai said. “Go for it, my friend. If nothing else, you’ll have an amusing story to tell your children.”
Anxious as he was, Paul found himself laughing. With perfect timing, they finished the conversation when he got to the supermarket. He ran up the stairs, knocked and opened Emily’s office door, with a strange sense of déjà vu. The last time he’d been here, he’d found those photos of himself.
That had been the start of a set of tumbling dominoes. The first step of his life changing journey of discovery had begun in this very office. It had led him to come full circle, except that now, everything was different. He was different.
As he stood at the same door, he realized that he was no longer the same man. And with everything that had happened, those photos seemed beyond inconsequential.
Emily sat behind her desk, and looked up as Paul walked in. There were circles under her eyes, but her features were schooled. She seemed emotionless, and even a little cold, but she defiantly lifted her chin.
She was mad at him, and he deserved it. But dammit, he missed her sweet smile.
Dressed in a soft teal button down shirt and cream stretch slacks, Emily was back to looking professional. There was no sign of Candy. He was glad. Paul wanted the sexy side of Emily to be for his eyes only.
“Hey, rabbit,” he said softly. When he affectionately spoke her nickname, the corners of her mouth tugged up in a faint smile.
For a moment, Paul just stood there and looked at her. He’d never seen her as a grown woman, in her own right. It struck him how amazing and brave she was. Twice, she’d told him that she had feelings for him, and twice he’d rejected her. She’d boldly confessed her love, and he’d shut her down without a second thought.
Paul’s chest ached at even the possibility of Emily refusing his love. How had she survived it, when he’d so callously and quickly refused her?
Indomitable, persistent and courageous – that’s what Emily was. In the face of rejection and resistance, she’d never stopped loving him. If Paul had ever felt that way about a woman, he would have freaked and run far away.
His little rabbit, it seemed, wasn’t a scared little rabbit at all. It was sobering to realize that of the two of them, he’d been the coward.
For the first time, Paul looked at Emily in a whole new light. He considered what it would be like to be her. While he’d left town, and became a fugitive to responsibility, she’d stayed. When the two families broke up, and everything went to shit, Emily came home. She quit school to take care of her mother, and she also took care of his father.
Emily had ignored her own plans. With no sign of resentment, she’d set her dreams aside. It couldn’t have been easy. Why had she done it? Because someone had to, was one explanation, and that was probably part of it. But the truth was that Emily was a really good person. Too good for him.
Why does she love me? he wondered. What the hell does she see in me?
Emily’s brows furrowed as she looked at him. Her lips turned down in a small frown. He could hardly blame her. Paul thought of so many things he wanted to say to her. It was overwhelming. The list was far too long, and he just couldn’t find the words.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I’ve been a jerk, and an idiot.” He walked toward her, and without conscious thought, somehow found himself pulling her into his arms. It wasn’t premeditated. It was more like an instinct for survival. He needed to touch her. He needed her.
With his face against her neck, Paul breathed her in while he embraced her. Emily wrapped her arms around his waist and said nothing.
When he pulled back, to look at her, he saw that she was silently crying. Paul had a lot of experience with a woman’s tears. They didn’t always signify something negative. Emily didn’t look sad, she looked emotional. She could even be happy.
Cradling her cheeks between his hands, Paul wiped her tears away with his thumbs. He gave her a chaste kiss on the lips.
“Remember when you said that I get upset, refuse to discuss it, decide everybody’s bad except me, and run away?”
Looking up at him, with wide blue eyes, Emily nodded.
“Well, you were right,” he said. “Bu
t I swear, I’m going make it up to you. Let’s get the hell out of here. I’ve called in extra staff to look after things. I promise not to be a chicken shit. We’re going to talk, and I’m going to answer every question you have. I’m going to be as brave as my courageous little rabbit. How does that sound?”
Emily’s beautiful smile warmed his heart. “Perfect,” she said, with a catch in her voice.
Chapter 42. Whole
Because they’d come in two cars, they both drove to Emily’s house. Emily got there first, and quickly ran in to change her clothes. The plan was to go for a long walk at Devil’s Lake State Park. Both she and Paul knew the area well.
“Where are you going?” her mom asked.
Emily grinned, and pet Beauty, who’d crept up near her thigh. “Paul and I are going for a walk,” she said. “It’s a nice day, and we have a lot to talk about.”
“Paul? What happened to André?”
“Nothing happened to André, mom.”
Her mother gave a disapproving sniff. “Fine. Well, tell him I’m sorry about his father.”
“Sure. Catch you later.”
When Emily got outside, Paul was there, waiting for her with the passenger door open. “I didn’t want to get stuck talking to your mom,” he admitted sheepishly.
Emily nodded her understanding. Not that mom talked much, but getting stuck with her this afternoon was definitely not the plan.
She’d waited her entire life for this. They were finally going to talk about the two of them. Their relationship. Their feelings. It was a huge opportunity. Just the thought of it was exciting, yet terrifying.
Something inside of Paul had changed. He was so different. More open. It was hard to believe that this was the same stubborn, bullheaded guy who rejected her repeatedly, discovered her deception, ran away as fast as the roadrunner, and refused to talk to her like an adult.
The difference in his behavior was so dramatic that it was difficult to predict what to expect from him.
As Paul drove, he told Emily what an idiot he’d been, and how sorry he was for the way he’d acted. He slanted her a look. “I know it’s stupid, and a cliché, but I really lost it when you went off with André. How Neanderthal is that?”
Emily laughed. “Good! I’m glad he made you jealous.”
“Ever since my dad went into the hospital, I’ve had one crushing bit of news after another. I feel like an untrained boxer, helplessly outmatched by my opponent. As soon as I start recovering from one major blow, I take another one to the face, or the gut. I’ve had big things happen, Emily, and I want to tell you about them all.”
Paul reached over and took her hand.
She looked down at their hands, where they were joined together, hyperaware of his touch. Emily had photos of his hands, being the crazy paparazzi stalker woman that she was. They were beautiful. Paul had a big palm and long, warm fingers that easily clasped hers. His grip was strong and callused; a working man’s hand.
“But the hardest hit, out of everything that’s happened, was the thought of losing you.” To emphasize this point, Paul squeezed her palm.
Her gaze flew from his hand to his face. “Seriously?”
He nodded.
They were silent for some time, while Emily thought about what he said. She was working out her strategy. It seemed crazy, but years ago, she figured out that Paul never seemed to speak more than a couple thousand words a day. It was like there was a limit. An amount of words that he was genuinely incapable of going over.
Taciturn and reserved, he was the strong, silent type. It really didn’t seem to be his fault. It was simply a part of him. A characteristic, like his height or the color of his eyes.
Since they’d been in the car he’d already talked quite a lot. He’d also promised to answer every question that she had. She studied him for a moment, noticing the tension in his body, and his grip on the steering wheel. It was obvious that he was super nervous. But why?
“Do we still have a chance to be together, or have I screwed things up beyond repair?” he asked.
“I’ll always love you.” The words simply flowed from her. It was like saying that the sun would come up tomorrow, or that the sky was blue. Loving Paul was a constant that she’d accepted years ago.
He blew out a breath and his tension fell away. Grinning, he squeezed her hand again. “Thank, God. You’re so important to me. I’ve always loved you, too, Emily.”
Her pulse quickened, and her heart gave an extra beat. She’d never heard such potentially life-changing words.
“Did I hear you correctly? Did you just tell me that you love me? Do you mean that you love me as a sister? Because I’ve heard those words from you before.”
“Emily, I love you in ways that no brother should ever feel about his sister. I love you. I love you. I love you. Now do you believe it?”
She shook her head. In actual fact, she didn’t believe it. “Because André wants me?” she asked.
Paul scowled, and his face darkened. He opened his mouth, and shut it again. He seemed to be trying to say something, but nothing came out. Had he run out of his daily word allotment already?
His jaw tightened briefly, but then his face cleared, and he smiled. “I love you, Emily, because you’re my best friend.” He shot her a naughty look and waggled his eyebrows up and down. “And an amazing lover. You were right in front of me all my life. I just couldn’t see it.”
Emily wondered if she was dreaming, and surreptitiously pinched herself. “May I ask what made you suddenly realize this?”
“I talked to my dad. He told me that he wasn’t my father.”
Whoa! What? Now that was nowhere near what she expected to hear. Little by little, Emily slowly and carefully pried the whole story out of him. It all made so much sense! They discussed the Will, too, which was a shock on its own.
It was quite the sequence of events. First Paul fell in love with Candy. Then he came home to a dying father, and found out that Candy was actually his best friend’s little sister, by way of some rather racy photos. While still reeling from that, Emily went out with André, which made Paul insanely jealous.
Somewhere along the line, he found out that his father had changed his Will, leaving everything to her. Emily blushed at the thought. Paul’s dad was very sly. She suspected that he may have made her the beneficiary of his Will, because Tom knew that she was in love with Paul. Had he thought to be a matchmaker from the grave?
He had lots to say when it came to his physical battle with André. Men! What was so much fun about beating the crap out of each other?
Paul appeared to be one of the most confident men in the world, but Emily had known him all his life. He’d talked to her about his father and mother, just little bits over the years, and she’d pieced it together. Despite all of his popularity, his many casual friends and lovers, Paul was lonely and empty inside.
Was it an essential part of her personality to love him so much, because he’d always felt unloved? Perhaps it was instinct. He needed her, and she needed to be needed.
Paul parked the car. When she got out, he came over and hugged her, holding her close. She hugged him back, curling into his heat, happy to spend the rest of the afternoon in his embrace. When he let go, he took her hand. They started walking along one of their favorite childhood trails.
“Finding out that dad isn’t my real father, was the last straw. I was a mess, Emily. Lost and confused. And in all that confusion, the only person I wanted, the one person I needed to be with, was you.”
Paul drew her into his arms again, holding her tightly in his embrace. They fit together perfectly.
“It’s you,” he whispered quietly into her ear. “It’s always been you. I love you, little rabbit.”
Emily was in shock, but she understood what he said. If something terrible had happened to her, Paul would be the first person she thought of. Was that what love was? That instinctive and compelling need, for the one person who truly ‘gets’ you? That sep
arate, vital piece that makes the empty, broken part of you, whole?
Over the next week, Paul spent every spare minute he had with Emily. He took her dancing, and to the movies. He brought her to unique restaurants, and for long walks with picnic lunches.
Paul told her that André said that it was best to begin a relationship in the manner in which one intended the relationship to continue. First and foremost, he wanted honesty between them. As a result, he spoke to Emily about his fears, his failings, and his secrets.
Emily enjoyed every minute that they spent together. She knew that talking about himself was new for him. It was difficult at first, but with gentle probing, Paul was able to push through his natural reticence.
They discussed good and bad, right and wrong, love and loss and the power dynamics of a Dom and sub relationship. The subjects of his dad’s Will, his biological father, and family were topics that came up often.
Paul confessed his admiration of her, especially her bravery, loyalty and how she stayed and saw things through. He admitted that he was in awe of her caring personality, and her genuine affection for people.
Emily had been surprised to be the subject of his admiration. She’d always looked up to him, and loved that he’d been protective toward her. She had a million skeletons in the cupboards, all relating to Paul. Her boob job was just one of them.
They lay together on his couch together one day, discussing her secrets and teenage crush. Paul was flirty, playful, and just good fun. While Emily confessed her embarrassing stories, Paul teased and laughed. He wasn’t laughing at her. If anything, he made fun of the innocent childish antics of them both.
Some events they shared were different from his point of view. She imagined him confident and in control throughout high school, but he confided that a lot of his self-confidence had been acting.
They tickled each other, giggled and teased. Like every day with Paul, they ended up kissing, and fondling until they were both breathless and on fire.
Paul took her to a well-known lookout, where teenagers parked for some heavy petting. They touched each other often, with the stipulation that clothes stay on. Every night, he kissed her outside of her front door when he dropped her off, and he told her that he loved her.