Read Fear To Live For Page 13

CHAPTER 11

  6 years later

  Oh god. Not today. Please, maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow but not today! Sadly, these words are said mentally for the, most likely, hundredth time with no trace of it whatsoever on my fake smile at the people around me. Today is my first solo exhibition and I definitely don’t need it. “Please excuse me for a moment.” I speak politely and walk away from the man I interrupted so rudely just now. I feel his confused stare boring holes in the back of my head but I don’t even bother peeking back at him.

  All around I see people, rich, famous and important people, walking around and looking at the paintings of a kid who came out of a college with a proper Bachelor degree just a year ago. I saw how many of them are awed were by the works, how many people are crowded around the centre-piece, and the earliest work, of the exhibition. That painting is on the display for the first time in public. Of a teenager boy’s silhouette in the middle of a waterfall with his arms spread wide open. The presence of all these people is the result of all the dedication and hard work of this last year. Of constantly trying to stay in the attention of the media and making sure I was not forgotten as just another painter. I would have felt elation or at least excitement at the sight around me on a good day. Today, though, I felt empty inside. Just like a robot, going through the pre-programmed motions.

  Grab it together and bind it well! I scream at myself internally as I walk, as calmly as I can manage, to the men’s washroom. Thankfully luck favours me as no one stop me again nor anyone else is present in the washroom. It isn’t much but for this moment, I gladly take it. Though I have to get it together because taking bathroom breaks every hours in my own exhibition isn’t something that speaks positively for me.

  For weeks I was excited for this moment, weeks that I also secretly prayed that the attack came already so that tonight would be a safe occasion, when I took my first step in carving my own presence in this world. But the moment I woke up in the morning was more than enough to tell me that it was a bad day. I think today is worse than usual actually.

  I went through the entire day with every emotion forced. On the outside I was the usual self but in the inside, I felt empty. No emotion, no feeling, nothing. I went through the day feeling like a zombie. Honestly, in preparation and stuff, it was kind of alright because I didn’t panic even when things seemed impossible but now, during the event, this felt like a curse. I didn’t want to bother Mom or Dad or Zach though because it would ruin their great mood. Though I suspect that maybe Dad and Zach know, considering from their concerned stares that have been directed at me so many times throughout the day.

  Splashing water to hide the fatigue, I look into the eyes of a 23 year old who feels 50 years older than his age and has seen much more pain and misery than others. Unfortunately I can’t really counter that feeling with all I have felt and lived. And as I wipe the water away, I practice faking emotions like happiness and surprise again because I know I have to keep using them tonight. I adjust my collar, which is actually already a little loose, to help my breathing get a bit more normal. So when I walk out of that place, I feel a bit of sadness and despair on the inside, for no reason as usual.

  “Mr Peters, can I have a moment of your time please?” A woman in a tight business suit comes to me as soon as I exit the washroom. Her supposedly long black hair is in a tight bun and as discreetly as I can manage, I check her identification card. Nikki Marion. Seattle Times. A reporter. Just great.

  Controlling a groan of frustration, I politely try to deflect her attention, “I wish I could but…” I pause as I look around for some excuse to escape her. For goodness sake, come up with something. As soon as I look at the man from whom I just ran from, Mr Sanchez, I get it. “… It’s just that I was already in the middle of the conversation with Mr Sanchez. Why don’t you take a look around and enjoy the show? I will find you as soon as I am done, okay Ms…” I trailed off, pretending I hadn’t seen her identification card on her breast pocket yet. Then with a slightly exaggerated show of staring at her name, I finish my sentence. “… Ms Nikki Marion.”

  She doesn’t reply but her expression tells me she is a bit amused. Well, anything to get her off me for a while. I am not really in a condition for her questions right now. I have taken at most three steps, all the while feeling the reporter’s gaze on me, when Mr Sanchez turns away from me and walks toward someone else in the distance to talk with. And there goes my excuse.

  “Still going to try to avoid me, Mr Peters? Now that you are momentarily free, maybe you will be willing to talk to me now.” She calls from just behind me and I turn around, not having heard those high-heeled shoes make even the slightest noise to signal her approach.

  “I haven’t been trying to avoid you, Ms Marion. It’s just that we really did were talking before I had to leave him for an emergency toilet break.” I lie with a fake smile on her face. Her next words, though, reveal there was no use of lying in the first place.

  “Really? Because while waiting for the two of you to finish ‘talking’, I was watching how quiet and distracted you were while Mr Sanchez was speaking. Maybe you call that conversing but from where I stood, it seemed that he was talking at you, not with you.” I open my mouth to contradict her but she quickly adds. “And I have been waiting for the past ten minutes watching the two of you so save whatever excuse you have for some other gullible person.” How do you respond to that? “I have a lot of questions, Mr Peters, so I would suggest that we pick a relatively secluded area with chairs. Some of the stuff I have? You would not like anyone to hear it.” I had no doubt where she was going with this. I had been dreading this for weeks now. And what’s the guarantee you won’t spread it? None. Still I had no choice and so I led the way to one of the empty office rooms in the back.

  The room we end up in seems to be the owner’s office. There must have been unique things in the room but I only focus on the two chairs kept on our side of the table. I turn them so that the two face each other and pull them a little more apart, after a moment of thinking, to get some more space between us. I turn and offer her a choice to choose her seat. I am nervous as I take every breath in her presence because I can clearly see that her mind is made up behind that simple amused expression. She takes her own, torturous to me, time in sitting down in the chair and taking out her tape recorder. I barely control myself from stepping in and doing those things myself. If this woman is thinking that by taking her time she can make me more antsy or revealing, she is in for some disappointment. Even in my bad moment, I can feel just a little anger brewing on her. It isn’t much but it tells me that the moment might be finally coming to an end.

  Alarmed, I start taking deep breaths inconspicuously once I realize that the bad moment I was having just turned worse and my anger wants me to now just squeeze her neck. And as much as I know it would really be fun, I know I can’t do that.

  “So Mr Peters. Congratulations on your first alone art exhibition and thank you for doing this interview. I took a look at some of the works and I am truly impressed. Those are some great pieces. How did you come up with them?” She begins with a neutral start. On the outside I am smiling at her, fake of course, while on the inside I barely control myself from just reaching out and squeezing her life out of her. Also there is an irritation to just get to the point and get this over with.

  I don’t let any of my thoughts leak out as I reply, “I am glad you enjoyed them. All those paintings out there are from personal experiences. I haven’t drawn a single place I hadn’t visited. Every single piece is a memory, you could say, forever etched for the world to see. And having read up on a Chinese painter, can’t really recall his name now, I knew that a painter wasn’t supposed to make the world see what he saw in his works but offer them a chance to travel throughout the place, as if they are already there. In my earlier works, this was noticeably absent, including today’s centrepiece Fear To Live For, as I didn’t really know about it before. In my third year of studies, I began working
on them. It took me almost six months to get a simple scene of a small pond near a clearing right. But once it did, it wasn’t hard to keep doing it. Now? I would be more comfortable with that variety than the one used in Fear To Live For. If it weren’t for it being my first work, I would have probably replaced it. Then again, if you consider the personal significance of that painting, you would realize that I would never even try that.” Wow, that was quite a rant. At least my urge to kill her has faded now. It’s not gonna happen but I hope she leaves now.

  “That’s quite an inspiration.” Her voice and expression is fascinated but the loose way she holds her body makes it quite obvious that she is extremely bored and just wants to cut the chase. She probably is holding out because she wants to make me trip and get her an angle to start with so that she doesn’t want to come across as trying to just attack me. “Speaking of which…” Shoot! I think I already did. “… when you meant your personal experiences inspire you, would you mind sharing the personal experience behind the creation of Fear To Live For? For the first creation, that’s quite a unique scene to portray. Why did you choose that scene?” Now her entire body, I notice, is in attention for what comes out next. She has her chance and I don’t think she would stop until she has gotten the entire dirt on me. Dodge or be vague? Vague would be better.

  “Ever since I was six, I have had that image burned in my mind. It probably isn’t much, being a child and you know how active their imaginations are, but of all things that happened, that’s one of the few things that stuck with me all those years. So when I wanted to make my first professional painting, there never was a competition. The title was a little hard to come up with though.” Shoot! I slipped up again. Better try to make up for it. “I stared at the then unnamed finished picture for quite a long time for a logical interpretation and then finally decided that the silhouette looked like he was standing in the water for a reason. Now this could go either hopeful or bleak and I really didn’t want bleak so I went with hopeful. And so came the title.” There. That should do it.

  “And it has nothing to do with the fact that you were a, and I am quoting a source of mine, ‘thrill-seeking daredevil freak’?” She counters in a bland tone, even though her body is anything but uninterested to the impact her words cause. My entire body freezes as I hear those words again. Even after so many years, the sting of those words hasn’t left. With them, I am back to Witchbury Falls I left behind five years ago and I relieve every single change in behaviour I saw from others. The isolation, the taunting, the pranks, the bullying. It all starts to come to the front of my memories and for a few moments I fear a panic attack. Thankfully that doesn’t happen but something else does. And I know it the moment it happens. The moment when pain appears clearly on my face for her to see. For her to see that she struck a raw nerve of mine and she doesn’t hesitate in pushing in further. “So it is true then? You tried suicidal stunts for, what was it, some adrenaline rush?” She speaks in a clearly disgusted tone as she flips her notepad for notes of her discussions with her source. Her face is pleased though as she is finally getting her dirt. In order to stop myself from acting on the revived urge again, I try to think who might be her source. It had to be someone from Witchbury Falls who still held a grudge. Well, that didn’t really narrow the list down. But since older people wouldn’t care about me anymore. They must have mentioned things but not the complete details. It must have been someone I had gone to school with. And there were only three people who knew the most of the details: Jacob, Simon and Cameron.

  “Everyone has their own past, Ms Marion. You can’t fault a person for a different past.” I calmly reply to her, not falling to her bait of slipping up and confessing things she can use against me. My expression, no doubt, has closed off now so she can’t try reading my face again. “A person should not be measured by the actions of his, or her, immature years. We all are still searching our ways through this strange world.” And then I lean forward a little and ask, “I would like to know who your informer is, though.” My words may have been a request but I make sure that my body language and tone make it clear to her that this interview is over unless she reveals it.

  With a dramatic sigh, she reveals after a few moments of tense silence, “Jacob Andrews. My informer is Jacob Andrews. He contacted me after I went to Witchbury Falls to get more details about your past. He had quite a list of things to tell. Like how you had almost let a friend drown in your attempt to make him like yourself. How you ran away when things get tough. He was quite impressed that, and I quote here, ‘a coward freak like him was becoming so famous’.” Well, I was more in favour of it being Simon who spilled the beans.

  “Why didn’t you talk to Simon Samson? Did he have nothing to tell you?” I ask her, only mildly interested.

  “Mr Samson, his father, insisted that I didn’t speak with him. Apparently, the trauma caused him to go into therapy and he still hasn’t recovered from it yet.” Well that was interesting news.

  “Tell me, Ms Marion. Did Jacob tell you about how they had nearly beaten me to death in school the day after my secret was exposed? Or did he tell you about all the death threats those guys made via any means possible? Or about how they had even spread rumours about my death, as if they were about to kill me?” The last one was a lie, as it was a prank from me, but she takes in a sharp breath. There goes Jacob’s credibility. But I have given her lot of fodder to destroy me with. “Since you haven’t known the complete story, I would like you to keep this past stuff to yourself. I am cured of that ‘addiction’ and would rather not have a reckless thing of my past blow up in my face in the future.” My internal warning systems go in full panic mode as her expression of surprise changes somewhere during my words to amusement.

  “Cured? Then please tell me, what was that expression you wore while Mr Sanchez talked at you? You looked absolutely expressionless for a moment there. I’m sure you haven’t recovered yet. Even now you have occasional signs of being expressionless.” She counters my claim and I open my mouth to explain that my face had been expressionless to hide what I really thought of her words at the moment but realizing the bad idea it was, I closed my mouth. Of course she interpreted it as an acceptance of guilt. “What do you think people would think of you once they find out this little secret of yours? Nothing good, I’m afraid.” She gave a fake uninterested expression that couldn’t even hide her twitching lips.

  Before I give in into the urge to murder her and hide her body in the janitor’s closet, I stand up and declare, “This interview is over.” Without waiting for her reply, I immediately head off to door. She doesn’t respond, probably having gotten all the ammunition she needed. Just as I close the door behind me, I hear the sound of the tape recorder being stopped. Uncaring of who is watching, I immediately head off into the men’s washroom again. And finding myself alone in there once again, I punch the wall next to me in frustration. It hurts but it doesn’t overcome the feeling of having lost everything I had. I have no doubt she would publish it, probably tomorrow or maybe someday in the future when I have even more to lose.

  And then an idea comes to me. If I steal that tape recorder from her, she won’t have any proof of what we said. So I immediately get out of the washroom and look for her. She is just getting out of the office and heading out for the door. I walk briskly, cutting through people as I head directly for her. I haven’t tried pickpocketing but apparently there is a first time for everything. I just hope I don’t get caught, though. I am about to put my hand in her ladies purse hanging on her left arm to try to get the tape when a waiter accidentally spills some champagne on her dress. She shouts in surprise and I immediately pull my hand back. “What is wrong with you? You ruined my clothes!” She shouts as the waiter keeps apologizing to her.

  Furious, she walks into the ladies’ washroom to clean herself up and I barely manage to turn around to stop her from noticing me. And nearly jump a feet when a familiar female voice asks, “What were you trying to do?”

&n
bsp; My first response is to put my hand on my heart to try to calm down my heartbeat that sped up faster than a cheetah. The smile that occurs on my face is one I haven’t had for quite some time now… five years to be exact. I turn and there she stands. She looks more beautiful than I remember and in her red dress, she looks absolutely breath-taking. And I am breathless as I whisper her name, half afraid that she will disappear like a mirage, “Kylie.”

  She doesn’t disappear though. She gives me a smile, my smile, which warms the part of my heart that had gone cold when I left that place. I have so many questions for her but there is a huge issue to take care of first. “Her tape recorder. She is a journalist and she wants to release all that stuff of the past into the public. It would ruin me.”

  Her smiling face is now concerned and after a second, she replies, “I can get the tape but it won’t be enough. Even if she publishes those things as rumours, people’s opinion of you would be greatly damaged. We need to stop her from doing anything, including stopping anyone else from doing so. We need leverage.”

  After few seconds of thinking, she speaks again, “I have an idea! Just wait for me here.” With that she walks into the washroom as well and I wait for her. Not because I will do anything for her, which I will, but because I don’t think I am capable of any sort of action except breathing.

  It takes ten long, torturous minutes for her and that reporter to walk out. And from the angry look she shoots at me, I guess Kylie really did make her point understood. Kylie walks to me with the tape and hands it over to me, “Keep it safe.”

  I put it in my shirt pocket under the tux I wear for tonight’s formal occasion and then ask, “Do I want to know what happened in there?” She doesn’t really respond but judging from her wicked smile, I don’t think I do. And that’s alright. As long as she’s here, even if it is the last day of human existence on Earth, it’s alright.

  “How are you here?” I ask her as I carefully touch her left cheek so as to not break this mirage if she is indeed one. She doesn’t reply but instead just smiles at someone behind me. I turn around expecting Dad to be the one but I am shocked, pleasantly so, to see Kevin instead. Even though we stayed in contact for the last five years, we never met in person again. And as I saw him again, I saw how much he had changed. Gone was the boy who preferred wrinkled clothes over well-groomed dressing, the man who stood before me wore the best clothes he could probably find to suit his looks. And judging from the number of female heads turning towards him, I could safely say that they suited him well indeed. He didn’t speak as he walked towards me with a smile one can best describe as the one that appears when someone finds something they lost quite some time ago. And as we hug, I feel that smile on my face too. For both of us have found the person we lost five years ago.

  “Hey, Kev.” I croak out as my throat suddenly fills up. There are unshed tears in my eyes as well but I don’t let them flow. Yet. He just pats me on my back with notable strength and I understand that he is in a similar position. “How did you know?” I ask a moment later as we disentangle. Although we still talked, it had nearly been a month since we last chatted. Kevin knew this was to happen but he didn’t, back then even I didn’t, know exactly when. To see him and Kylie here, it was as if I truly had everything I wanted in that moment.

  “We were neighbours Andy. I knew the date from your father.” Kev said in a still throaty voice and then cleared his throat. I, in the meanwhile, wondered why Dad didn’t mention this to me. “And I ran into Kylie hours before leaving at a coffee shop, who once knowing my destination, delayed me by those aforementioned hours by demanding to come with me. Don’t hit me again, Kylie. You have already bruised it.” He added the last part while ducking behind me as Kylie tried to hit him in the arm again.

  “Five years Andy? Five years I waited for a word from you and I get nothing, not even a phone call and this idiot knew everything? And what was that message you gave me before you left? Your sacrifice. Well you can shove it…” Kylie was almost shouting and so I had to put my hand on her mouth to stop her from cursing out loud in public. Regaining her composure, she added in a normal tone, “Well you know where. Do you know how hard it was to pack in two hours so much stuff? I was terrified of not fitting in here because this idiot kept whining. And don’t you deny it or I swear I will break your arm right here in public.” She threatened Kevin as he opened his mouth to speak and he closed his mouth in terror and hid behind me. Me? I was laughing. “What are you laughing at, Andrew Jonah Peters? You have a lot of making up to do. I-“ She finally stopped talking when I abruptly kissed her even with my body shaking with laughter. By the time I am done with her, thanks to Kevin’s loud coughing, she is breathless.

  “I fully intend to make up for it.” I whisper in her ear and chuckle when I get a ‘You’d better.’ Then leaning away, I finally speak to both of them what has been on my mind ever since I saw them, “I missed you guys. I’m so happy you are here.” And it was true. In that moment, I realized that my bad moment was finally over. With Kylie and Kevin at my side, I was perfect once again.

  “Tell me Andy, have you been happy here? Do these new friends know the truth?” She asks with genuine concern and I momentarily curse myself for letting go of her.

  “Yes, they know. It had been eight months since coming here when I told them at Olympus Park. That entire day I was bombarded with questions about my past and stuff. Melissa was way too excited to hear all about it. I had to almost bind her to stop her long enough to convince her not to even think of trying any of this. Tyler, Jacob Tyler, who was often annoyed by my fearful reaction to him, relaxed once I explained him, privately, about the other Jacob. John and Sam didn’t seem that happy to know my secret and for a few moments I was afraid of living through those bullying weeks of school again but Alex, Peter and Aiden didn’t mind it that much and convinced others to just accept it too. I wish that Si, Cam and Jacob had accepted things as easily. They are still a bit uncomfortable but then again I have dropped a heavy bomb on them. Simon was surprisingly calm about it all. I do know I can count on them, though. And I know hearing so many names confused you. You will be seeing them soon.”

  “I better.” She smiles at me and I can’t help but kiss her again. God, I missed her so much. Alright, focus Andy, let the two worlds of mine meet.

  “I have some people I want you to meet.” I tell them and drag them over where my school group stands. As soon as Melissa spies Kevin coming, her face lights up. Thankfully I manage to mouth ‘player’ to her before we reach them so that she knows what she would be dealing with. By the time I join them with Kevin and Kylie in tow, everyone is looking at the two newcomers with curiosity. “Guys, these are the two closest persons to me, aside from my dad, from Witchbury Falls. This is Kylie Parker and he is Kevin Simons. Kylie, Kev. These are my friends from when I came to this city. That beautiful lady in her natural blonde hair and slightly tan complexion is Melissa James. She is similar to Kylie, Kev, so don’t get on her bad side. John, stop trying to non-verbally flirt with Kylie.” I add as John behaves in a fake gentleman manner by kissing her hand. Another player like Kevin. “So this brown haired idiot of dark skin, that’s by a lot of time in sun without sunscreen mind you, is John Michaels.” Just then Peter appears with a group of random flowers in his hand and offers them to Kylie. “Peter Smith, do not steal flowers from the vases of the exhibition.” His only response is a cheeky smile that is his way of telling me that he will do it again.

  Kylie though is delighted. “Thank you. Unlike you, he never gave me flowers all those years.” Of course, I’m the he. I stare at him with narrowed eyes.

  “I will take care of you tomorrow with a one-on-one basketball match.” Although he is taller than me and is a much better player, I will defeat him tomorrow. Preferably in front of Kylie so that she can see that this black haired Hispanic Romeo is not that great as he appears right now in the tux. I hope this doesn’t backfire though. Just then Alex and Tyler come up with two beauti
ful ladies on their arms. Upon seeing Kylie though, they both seem suddenly bored of their arm candies. “These two unrepentant womanizers are Alex Rhodes and Jacob Tyler. The red haired and olive skinned is Alex and the brown haired with red streaks in them and pale skinned is Jacob Tyler. Hello ladies.” I add when I see the girls look a little put out by not being referred to. Though the lusting smiles they give me once I acknowledge them makes me wonder if they were better left unacknowledged. Thankfully Kylie’s tightening grip on my hand makes our relationship status clear to everyone. Maybe now I can get out of that basketball dare tomorrow.

  I turn to introduce them to the last member of my group, who seems to be missing at the moment. “Um, guys, where’s Aiden?” I ask when he doesn’t appear in sight.

  Mel answers. “Oh, he had to leave early. Claire Silvi’s – that’s his ex - wedding is tomorrow to that Simon Layweigh fellow. Gotta say, he lacks some social skills but he definitely loves her. And he isn’t bad to look at either. After his mutual break-up with Claire, Aiden didn’t want to miss his new best friend Simon’s bachelor party. After her father died, he has decided to hand her over to Simon, after all.” Besides me, Kylie makes an ‘aww’, the universal declaration for anything girls think is sweet or cute or both. Melissa turns to her and says, “Since Andy already gave our physical descriptions, let me tell you Aiden’s. He’s as tall as Andy but has his hair a darker shade of brown, like chocolate, and his skin is well-tanned. His eyes are ocean like blue and…” Before she continues ranting, I interrupt and add an important point.

  “And he’s Mel’s boyfriend. So as you expect, she can go on and on about him, though not everything would be nice.” I interrupt and the other guys disguise their chuckles as coughing while she glares at me. And I once again sympathize with those who had suffered Kylie’s or Mel’s glare.

  As I open my mouth to speak again, a voice calls me from behind, “Mr Peters, do you have a moment?” He is an older man in his late thirties and seems to be some sort of art related important person. I take a look at both Kylie and Kevin to make sure they are comfortable only to find that they are already mingling in with the rest of the group. At seeing the best parts of my two worlds merge so well, I feel a huge part of me relax and my voice is most definitely relieved as I reply, “Yes, how may I help you?” If I felt before that today was a great day, then now I feel it is the best of my life so far.

  And I look forward to many more such days.

  EPILOGUE

  17 Years Later

  “Come on, Andrea, James. We are here, now.” I call and they both jump out of the car. The excitement of the eight year old James is overshadowed by his curiosity, though. He looks around at the waterfall, not recognising the place at all. Finally he turns to me.

  “Where are we dad?” His voice is a little subdued, clearly afraid of having anyone else hear him. James is brave in familiar situations but in unfamiliar conditions, he is a completely obedient kid, thanks to his fear of the unknown. I should help him get over it but I cannot really ignore its advantages. He is the older and wilder of the two after all.

  “Home, James. This waterfall is the Witchbury Falls, after which the town is named. Your father and I both grew up and met each other in this town before leaving. And now, after so many years, we have returned.” Kylie Peters, my beautiful wife answers him while she makes sure our three year old Andrea doesn’t run away to explore.

  In terms of appearances, James has my black hair and blue eyes. But that’s all that’s mine in him in appearance. His face is just like his mothers’ and it is often clear when he makes faces just like her. But Andrea takes after me. Not only in appearance, but also in behaviour. If it weren’t for her usually hidden feisty nature, I wouldn’t believe she took a lot from her mother. Though, her hair is now showing curls that Kylie’s hair have had so it might not be so hard to believe.

  I smile as I put James on my shoulders and point things out to him with his small hands. “You see that water falling all the way down from up there. It is very tall, about 100 feet high. The water falls from that height onto the rocks down below. It is very unsafe to go there. So don’t go there, alright? And keep Andrea away too.”

  Also sharing my love for swimming, James quickly nods and asks, “Can we go for a swim now? Please?” His pouty face is just so irresistible that I can’t help but agree. Though the responsible father part of me does make me add that we won’t go just yet. Just until we are set up. Though my words fall on deaf ears as he screams a whoop in his joy.

  “Andy. Let him down and help me a little with taking this blanket and basket out. Even after twelve years of marriage you haven’t learned how to pack things in the car.” Kylie calls and both Andrea and James laugh. “Even the kids know how to pack things right after hearing this so much.”

  Letting James down, who runs down to the water no doubt, before wrapping her in my arms, I reply, “I do know how to pack stuff in the car. It’s just that you look so cute when so annoyed.” And then I flick the very nose that she wrinkles at me as she gives me her annoyed expression.

  Letting Andrea go, she turns to me and asks, “You okay?” I smile at her and nod. It has been our ritual ever since we started dating again. Every day Kylie would ask me whether I was okay and help me deal with the bad days. In the early days, I snapped even at her for the smallest things. I saw Kylie wanted to respond similarly and often provoked her but she kept surprising me by keeping her calm. Though she did often explode on me for that on my good days, making me grovel at her for hours in apology. The day Zach deemed me as cured was the day I proposed. It was a simple and intimate proposal as I baked her a cake with the ring peeking through the heart-shaped icing. The cake tasted terrible and Kylie banned me from ever baking again but at least she accepted. Then she threw out the cake and made me clean the dishes. She’s strange. We’re strange. But it is alright. It’s perfect for us.

  Two months later, mom and Zach were wed. As I suspected, they had been dating secretly behind my back for years. I even had a half-brother now, Adam. I liked to believe they adopted him new-born. Much better for my gag reflexes. I and Kylie were married a year after I proposed.

  I still had bad days though, once in a few months. My worst was when James was born. I was a mess that entire week. I had almost jumped from my seventh floor apartment balcony but Kevin got to me in time. Zach had told me they would go away someday but no one could ever be sure of the when. Thankfully my kids didn’t know… yet. Kylie insisted we tell them so that they were prepared while I was scared it might change their opinion of me. To them I was perfect. To find that I wasn’t even normal was scary, to say the least.

  We lean in for a kiss when James’ voice interrupts us. “Is Uncle Kevin coming too?” We both turn to look at him and despite the smile tugging at my mouth, I frown at his half-dressed state. He has already thrown his shirt on the ground to jump into the water and is already tugging at his pants.

  “No dear, he isn’t. And keep your shirt in a clean place, James. You still have to wait until we lay the blanket and stuff for you to keep your clothes on. And Andrea, don’t play in the dirt. Andy, help me a little. They’re your kids too.” Kylie issues commands to everyone in exasperation and all of us follow her directives. She is a loving mother but when she gets strict, she scares even me.

  “You heard her. Now do it.” I speak to them in a ‘stern dad’ voice though like always, it goes uncared for. I am the one spoiling them among the two of us after all. Then with a quick kiss, I unload the stuff and arrange things for a picnic. Dad should be coming anytime now. He wanted his grandkids to see the waterfall of his town first. Personally I think he just wanted them to see the large river that just invited lookers to take a swim.

  He met another lady, Shayna Matthews, a middle-aged widower when she moved in the town about ten years ago. She was the only one who didn’t judge me or my family on my past actions and it was a major reason, aside from clear attraction, that Dad took the risk. Th
ree years later, they were married. Thankfully no step-brothers from there. Yet.

  “I wish Dad would hurry. Only he and Kevin know how to keep them entertained while being truly cautious so we can take a walk. I want to see how much this place has changed.” I whisper in Kylie’s ear and she smiles in return. She knew that later in my studio at home in Seattle I would re-visit this place on the paper and was just looking for the perfect place to re-create.

  That exhibition was only the start of my journey to success as a painter. The sale of the paintings fetched high prices, sometimes even in seven digits. To me, painting is still mostly a hobby I enjoy. I decorated Andrea’s and James’ room by myself too to always make them know that I am always close to them. Kevin helped me realize that I didn’t need to sacrifice my third love for the first two, first being Kylie and second being my kids.

  He started his own chain of gyms that he raised to a respectable national level. He was always on the television advertising health stuff and in constant demand by the top celebrities. Well, his days as a bachelor weren’t over yet. Being the godfather of the kids, he was worse than me in spoiling them rotten. At least I didn’t let my seven year old son try to drive one of my sports cars. He had whined, literally, when he got a call just minutes before departure that made him go to office immediately on an urgent issue.

  Dad and Shayna arrive just as I finish setting things up. Shayna and Kylie hug each other before coming to me. “Hello Andy. How are you?” In appearance, she is a blonde with honey coloured eyes and has a soft heart who just went through a lot of undeserved pain. To be honest, I like Shayna. She isn’t mom but she is definitely close to that level for me. Mom, Zach, dad and Shayna often get together for family dinners and it pleases me, and I think the rest of us as well, that they all get together perfectly. As we hug, there is a huge splash and we quickly turn to see James emerge from the water.

  “I did what you asked Mom! The clothes are safe and they’re clean.” No mentioning me. Great. I think I will have to be stricter. Someday. I turn to look at the blanket and a laugh escapes my mouth at the sight. Though I quickly cover it up, and so does Dad, at Kylie’s glare. As I said, she is scary when angry. Though that still doesn’t reduce the hilariousness of the sight.

  Apparently James didn’t listen properly and instead of blanket, he heard basket and so stuffed his clothes in it along with the food. “James!” Kylie yells and he quickly comes out of the water, instantly recognising her tone as ‘I’m in trouble’. Then he hides behind my legs in his dripping swimsuit. No that it helps. “Don’t think hiding behind Daddy helps. Andy step aside. James, you-“

  Before Kylie can punish him, Andrea screams and we all turn to look at her in fear. “That man walked into the waterfall! Help!” Before I even know, I am running. In my mind, I am wishing that there isn’t another me in there. That there hasn’t been another Ed to teach him this stuff. Behind me, I can hear Kylie pull the kids away from the view. Though it is too late. The ‘man’ is actually a teenager and startled by a child’s scream, slips on the rocks and falls into the water. Déjà vu.

  Shrugging off my shoes, I jump otherwise fully clothed into the water that is as cold as it was all those years ago. Being a good swimmer this time, I easily catch the unconscious kid and drag him to the shore. Feeling a pulse, I begin CPR on him once we are out of the water.

  It takes some time before he begins to cough out the water. “Let it all out kid.” I speak as I slowly turn his head to the side, being cautious of any internal injuries. “Are you hurt?” I speak loudly in his ears. He winces before shaking his head in a no. Relief takes over and I fall back onto the grass and thank the gods that he is alright.

  “Please don’t tell.” He begs and I stop thanking the gods to take a look at him. He is a normal fit teenager kid, lean, thin and tall. His eyes are brown and his hair is black. He looks like Jacob Andrews! I realize and blurt it out before even considering my words. “You Jacob Andrews’ kid?”

  The kid winces at being caught and is ready with an excuse before really looking at me and recognising me. “Andrew Peters? Oh my god! What a coincidence! I was just about to try what you showed in that painting ‘Fear To Live For’, and what dad believes you did try. I had heard your tale a thousand times now. Did you really-”

  I put my mouth on his hand before he can loudly tell my kids what I did. Then, once he quietens, I speak, “Yes, I am that Andrew Peters. And yes I did try that. Tell me, why did you try to do this idiotic task? You have heard how my tale ended didn’t you? With me running away from this town. Do you want to leave too? I had my father to help me but I don’t think Jacob would help you that much, being one of my friend-turned-bully after all.” At this the boy pales in fear. Stupid kid. Thinking he could try something so dangerous and walk away unscathed. I stand up and begin to walk away when he answers my question.

  “I wanted to choose right between-” I interrupt him before he can speak another word as I turn around. This is worse than I thought. He could already be addicted.

  “Is this your first time? The first time trying a stunt, I mean.” Please be a first timer. Please be a first timer unlike me. Thankfully, he nods. “Then listen to every word I speak now.” I continue adopting my ‘stern dad’ voice. At least it works on him as he nods furiously at me.

  “I learned of this method of choosing when I was six years old and my parents were getting divorced. I needed to choose when just like you, I saw a man, Ed, walk into the waterfall. After I screamed, he slipped and while trying to help him, I slipped as well. Owing his life to me, he told me that he used this method to choose what he really wanted after he had saved me. He told me that the fear gave him a regret of something he didn’t do. Something to live for. Unknown to him, I had already experienced that when I had slipped and fear gave me my answer. He prayed for me to not use it but it was too late. By the time I was ten, I was an addict. I couldn’t feel emotions if I didn’t try one quickly within two weeks. I even risked the life of my ex-friend Simon Samson when I broke one of Ed’s rules and tried to teach him about this. I was so lost.”

  “I am a human. You are a human. Human beings make mistakes. You will be expected to always be perfect. That doesn’t mean you really have to be even if you can’t. We are allowed to make mistakes. To choose the wrong thing. When things become unclear, follow your heart, take a risk and hope for the best.”

  “The itch to do things like that never fades though. It will always be there, trying to tempt you. But you must resist or else there is no limit to how much you could lose. Don’t take the bait of the illusion of the perfect choice it offers. I did and you know what that led me to. If it weren’t for certain people, I wouldn’t have made through it to become what I am now. I can’t promise the same for you if you fail to resist it.”

  “My journey to get rid of this addiction is a long and hard one because no one helped me in time to reduce its effects. Why? Because I didn’t let them. I later paid the price when I was so depressed that I was practically suicidal. You can choose fear to live for if you want but you must realize life is worth living for too. Every man is the sum of all his achievements and mistakes. Mistakes don’t damage us. They define us. Don’t shy away from accepting your mistakes but don’t go now making conscious mistakes. Because that’s just idiotic.” I chuckle a little to try to break the mood but I don’t even get a proper smile from him. So I figure my message is now becoming a full-time speech and I should end it now.

  “So go home now and never do this again. Find some other stuff. Sports or theatre if you like. Be a reverend if that gets your adrenalin pumping but never try this again. Do you understand?” I ask him and he slowly nods. “Good, now go. And never mention this to anyone else.”

  I walk away from him now, back to my family, when I hear a faint ‘Thank you.’ And then he’s gone. Back to his normal life. And I walk back to mine.

  “Andy!” Kylie runs to me as soon as she sees me. “You okay?” My reply is a genuin
e smile before she hugs me again and I wrap my arms around her. The kids are busy building mud castles with Dad and Shayna, who, although not looking, are clearly relieved by my smile.

  Then she kisses me. And I kiss her back with all the love I have for her in it.

  And my life is perfect once again. And normal.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  First of all, I would like to thank my parents and my brother for all their support. Without you all, though you didn’t even know I was writing (I think), this wouldn’t have been possible.

  I would also like to thank friends who served as distractions in time when writing was becoming a burden. A special mention to the friend whose 'just another photo' served as a huge boost for my writing: Nikhil, you really helped me get the Witchbury Falls right. I have used that photo as the cover, as I promised.

  Thanking friends who I met in person isn’t enough. There are wonderful people I met online and I would like to thank them all. Katy, Jess, Melissa, Dani, Lexie, Ang, Shelene, Ashish, Debbie and many more (I am not naming everyone not because I don’t remember. I don’t want to write a four page long acknowledgement that one would just skip. - Alright. I really don't remember everyone's name.) – All of you have helped me far more than you realize in making this possible.

  I would like to thank www.wattpad.com for providing me a platform to share my story and gather opinions. A special shout-out to @Shanice_maria for making the amazing cover present in the free edition of the book.

  Also, I would like to thank Perusing The Shelves staff to allow me to host the book on their website. I like the place and return to that amusing place daily, even if as a silent observer.

  And finally, thank you for reading this book.

  Trivia

  Some references to others works by the author. Most of these are already on Wattpad under his username Frozenfire

  Elisan Robert Smith is one of the main characters of the Dark Fates Saga.

  Anacresia, another small town I invented, is the town setting of the paranormal romance of teenager human Nick and almost a century old ghost Daisy in another book of mine titled 'Fading Out'.

  Simon Layweigh is the main character of the book ‘Guiltless’ and his and Claire story shall unfold in detail there.

  Alexander DeVoir is the main character of the story ‘Curtain Call’.

  Adam McLogh is the brother of the main character Callie McLogh of the short story ‘Beautyland’.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Ayush Srivastava is an avid reader and a writer-in-training. All his stories are based on the unique stories the world around us tells if only we care to listen. With family and friends (from all over the globe), he has many people to turn for help and be inspired from.

  With every story close to heart, he enjoys letting the characters 'tell' him all about their pasts, their motivations and their actions, allowing them to stay true to themselves and training him about the different characteristics of human behaviour.

  As time passes, he learns more and hopes to entertain everyone a lot more.

  Connect online with the author

  Enjoyed the book? Got an opinion? Saw some errors? Just need some to rant with? Don't hesitate. Contact me via the following routes.

  Email: [email protected]

  Blog: narratingthedream.wordpress.com

  Wattpad: Frozenfire

  Perusing The Shelves Forum: Perusing The Shelves - Free Community for Readers

 
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