Normal would have been nice. And actually, I did have one day of it. I made it home on Friday before my curfew, even with all of our extracurricular activities. Michael and I decided on the way back into town with Amber that telling my parents loosely the same story that Amber told hers would be the safest way to go. The only difference was that I admitted to my parents that I had actually heard Nell planning to humiliate Amber but assured them that my secret was still safe.
My mom and dad were more surprised than angry, at least initially. I was so tired that I barely knew what I said to them before I shuffled off to bed with the promise to explain more the next day.
I slept until nearly noon on Saturday and stumbled out into the kitchen. My mother must have heard me poking around for something to eat because she came out of her office and sat at the kitchen table.
“I was just about to go in and make sure you were breathing,” she commented.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m not used to being up so late… or all the excitement, I guess.”
“Yes, it sounds like you had quite the night,” my mom observed.
“You know me. Never a dull moment.”
“I’m sorry that your first dance turned out this way, though.”
I picked up my bowl of fruit and joined my mother at the table. “You know, it was fun. I did have a good time. The part with Nell and Amber didn’t ruin it for me.”
“Well, good, I’m glad to hear it.” She was toying with a napkin, a frown on her face, which I knew meant she had something to say. I picked at my fruit and waited.
“Your dad and I are worried. You heard something from that girl’s mind, and then that you acted on it. That was a real risk.”
I didn’t answer right away. I knew this was coming. What I had done, or at least what my parents knew I had done, went against everything they had taught me about controlling and concealing my gift.
“I don’t know how else I could have handled it. I couldn’t have let Amber be hurt—in any way.”
“But Tasmyn, we’ve talked about this so many times before. What you hear people think—you cannot base judgments or actions on that. And you’re not even supposed to be putting yourself in a position to hear those thoughts. You know how to protect yourself from hearing things. How did that happen?”
I cast my eyes down unhappily. “It’s been harder lately. It seems like the happier and more relaxed I am, the more difficult it is to keep up my guard.”
My mother sighed. “Well, that’s a dilemma. Obviously, your dad and I are glad that you’re happy, and we don’t want you to lose that. It’s been very gratifying for us to see you make real friends here. We felt that you were finally old enough to have those friends and still keep your secret. But you’re going to have to work harder, Tas, to learn how to maintain your mental block even while you’re more relaxed.”
“But what if I can’t? What if this is just the way I was made and I’m really supposed to be using this gift, not trying to suppress it?”
My mom’s mouth dropped slightly, and she stared at me. “Tasmyn, that idea is very frightening to me. That’s why what happened last night scares us. You cannot go around interfering with lives just because you think that your talent gives you that right.”
My temper was rising, and I struggled to remain calm. “I wouldn’t say it gives me any rights. I look at it more as an obligation. If I heard someone planning a crime, wouldn’t I be right to do something about it?”
“But the question is, where do you draw that line? How do you determine that someone is merely considering versus someone who is seriously planning?”
“I can tell the difference,” I insisted. I remembered Nell’s first vague idea about blood sacrifice and then her very specific planning of this past week. It was quite clear to me.
My mother shook her head. “We need to talk about this more, when your dad can be part of the conversation.”
“Mom, look at this way: you’ve raised me right. You taught me how to manage this talent of mine. Now in less than two years, I’m going to be leaving home anyway and making my own choices about how I adapt my life to my particular circumstances. Wouldn’t you rather I start doing that now, when I can come to you for advice and guidance, than when I’m completely on my own?”
She reached out and laid her hand over mine on the table. “Tasmyn, as long as Daddy and I are living, you’ll never be alone. We’ll always be here for you. And I don’t think I agree that there are choices to be made. It’s just a matter of controlling your mind…”
“Then you’ve lied to me all along. In your eyes, it’s not a gift or a talent, like you and Daddy have always said. It’s a handicap. A curse.”
Something flickered in her eyes, and I knew I had hit on a nerve. But her voice was steady. “Don’t be ridiculous. We don’t think of it that way.”
I stood and picked up my empty bowl. “You’re right that we need to talk about this, all of us. But today, I’m still too worn out. I need a little peace and quiet.” My first instinct was to call Michael and ask him to come take me to the nursery, but I knew that wouldn’t work. This was the last weekend of October, one of the busiest days all year. And I doubted my parents would be very enthused about me leaving at this point, either.
Instead I spent the better part of the day in my room, working on homework and doing laundry. I carefully folded my dress from the dance and put it in a bag for the dry cleaners. It gave me a pang of regret to think that my first dance would always be associated with Nell.
Late in the afternoon, I heard the phone ring and hoped it would be Michael, offering to come and rescue me. And my mother did come to my room, carrying the cordless handset. But when she handed it to me, she whispered, “It’s Amber.”
Surprised, I took the phone and settled on my bed, the door closed behind my mom.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Tasmyn? Hi… it’s Amber.”
“Hey! How are you doing today? Did you sleep okay?”
“Well, once I got to sleep, I pretty much passed out. I was up for a long time, talking with my parents.”
“How did that go?” I wondered, thinking about my own recent conversation.
“It went… well, it was incredible, actually. They were so understanding, and worried… we talked a long time about how I can change things in my life, so I’m not so easily taken in by someone like Nell again.”
My heart warmed. “I’m so glad, Amber. It sounds like your parents are pretty terrific.”
“They are. I never really thought about it until now. I’ve always felt so sorry for myself because of how bad things are at school, but lots of kids don’t have parents like mine. That’s a good thing, right?”
“It’s a very good thing,” I agreed. “And I don’t think things will be so bad at school anymore. You know Michael and I were serious about wanting you to hang with us. You’ll be surprised how fast Michael’s friends accept people. Hey, they took me in, didn’t they?”
“As long as none of them are into… other stuff, I’m in.”
I laughed, without too much humor. “No, I can assure you that no one in that crowd is into anything wacky. Just the typical stuff. You’ll like them.”
“Okay, good, I’m looking forward to Monday. Isn’t that weird? Probably the worst Friday night of my life, ever, and I’m excited about Monday.”
I laughed. “I’m glad you called, Amber. I was thinking about you today. What are you doing tomorrow?”
“Well, my parents have been going to that new church outside town. You know Cara, that girl in our class whose dad is a minister? It’s his church. So I was thinking I would go with them tomorrow. They’ve wanted me to go, but Nell always made fun of it, so I didn’t go. If Nell doesn’t like it, I figure it’s probably a good thing.”
“Yeah, I think you’re onto something there. I know Cara. She’s really nice. You’ll like her too—she sits at our lunch table.”
“Cool! I’m going to go help my m
om with dinner. I’ll see you Monday?”
“Definitely,” I promised, hanging up. The conversation had made me thoughtful about my own situation. I knew that my parents only wanted the best for me. The tricky part, I decided, was that at some point my opinion of what was best and theirs were going to part ways. Could I handle that gracefully, so that my mother and father realized that it wasn’t them I was rejecting—just their view of my talent? I wasn’t sure yet.
Dinner that night was subdued. Our conversation stuck to the generalities, and I could feel the unease that both of my parents were experiencing. I realized that what I had said to my mother this afternoon went counter to everything they wanted for me, which was only a normal life. I needed them to understand that maybe I wasn’t designed for normal.
“So…” I began, trying to keep the nerves out of my voice, “Mom, I’m sorry if I got a little… ummm, testy with you this afternoon. I know that you’re just worried, both of you.”
They exchanged relieved glances, and I heard, Oh, good, she’s being reasonable. That’s the daughter we know. Thank heavens… It would be so easy to just let it go at that, to let them think that I agreed and was continuing to go along with their guidelines. But I knew that wouldn’t accomplish what we both needed in the long run, and if I valued my relationship with them, I had to be as honest as I could be.
“But,” I continued with resolve in my voice, “That doesn’t change the fact that I’m old enough now to make my own decisions about the best way to use my talents. My ability. You’ve sheltered and shielded me when I didn’t know any better, when I would have gotten into real trouble, not knowing how to use it. But hearing thoughts—that’s not just something to hide and try to suppress—it’s part of me, it’s part of who I am. And when I feel ashamed of it, I’m feeling ashamed of myself. I don’t want to live my life that way.”
There was silence around the table. The unease my parents had been feeling had given way to surprise and confusion. I had never bucked them about anything involving my abilities, so this was completely new territory for all of us.
Finally my dad spoke. “Tas… that’s a very interesting point. Your mom and I—we’ve never wanted you to feel ashamed of what you can do, of who you are. But you’re also right that we don’t see it as part of who you are—you are so much more than that to us. If you were handicapped in some way, we wouldn’t want that to define you. And this shouldn’t either. With a little work, you should be able to lead a completely normal life—”
“What if I don’t want normal?” I interrupted. “As a matter of fact, why would I want normal? Our family has never been typical. We move constantly. I’ve never had friends until this year. I can hear what other people are thinking. I can feel what they’re feeling. That’s not normal, Dad. And for the first time, I’m thinking that maybe it’s a good thing, not something I need to hide.”
My mother looked troubled. “But Tasmyn, flaunting your gift could put you at real risk. Things like this aren’t the same as—I don’t know, being able to speak several languages, or being a math genius. This is a talent that can be so easily exploited. Telling anyone at all is really very dangerous for you.”
This was my opening. I drew in a deep breath. “That isn’t precisely true, Mom. You’re right that making a big deal of it and telling everyone would be wrong. But sharing this—this part of me, of who I am, with someone, with people I trust—it’s not wrong. And it’s not dangerous. I know that for sure.”
Now the silence took on an entirely new depth. I swallowed nervously, as I felt what I’d just said register in their minds.
“Tasmyn… are you saying… you’ve told someone already?” My mother’s tone was frightened and incredulous.
“I hope you mean that you’re thinking about doing it, and you know, of course, that your mom and I discourage that as strongly as we can.” My father leaned more toward disapproval in his fear.
I bit my lip nervously. “I mean, I didn’t necessarily tell someone. But… someone… guessed.”
“And am I correct in assuming that someone was Michael?”
I nodded, unable to trust my voice.
My father heaved a long and heavy sigh. I couldn’t discern whether it was disapproval or disappointment… perhaps a bit of both.
“When did this happen? Was it part of last night’s events?”
I shook my head. “No. Actually, Michael figured it out very early on.”
“How exactly?” My mother’s voice shook.
“It was the day I spilled the stuff on me in Chemistry. I was upset, and he was talking to me, and I accidentally answered what he thought instead of what he said out loud.”
“That could have been explained away,” my father remarked.
“Yes, it probably could have,” I answered slowly. “But it was my choice not to do that. I knew that I wanted to be totally honest with Michael. It was very important for me.”
They digested that statement in silence. “You trust him that much?” my mom queried.
I replied without hesitation. “I do. I trust him, and he hasn’t let me down.”
“Well, not yet anyway,” my father said archly.
“That’s a very cynical comment,” I shot back.
“The world is a very cynical place,” he answered. “I believe Michael will be discreet for as long as he is involved with you. After that… my expectations of him sink considerably.”
“What if I tell you that won’t be a problem?” I asked.
“Then I’d say you’re fairly naïve, which is about what I’d expect of a seventeen year old girl.”
“But we’ve established that I’m not really your typical seventeen year old girl, and you know, I have more insight into the situation—into my relationship with Michael—than most girls my age would have.”
“You may think you do—”
“Daddy, trust me on this. Michael has no problem with me listening to him, and although I try not to do it—I really do—I’ve heard enough to know that he’s not going to betray my confidence or break my heart.” My face flooded with heat. I hadn’t been yet so frank with my parents about my relationship with Michael, and it was oddly unnerving.
I could tell that they both remained unconvinced. Since I was already in so deep, I decided to go for broke.
“I should tell you that as of last night, Michael’s parents know the truth about me, too.”
My mother groaned and held her head in her hands. My father just sighed again. I could tell he was quickly losing patience with what he saw as my blatant rebellion.
“I’m sorry. I had to tell them. And you don’t know Marly and Luke yet, but please believe me, we can trust them.”
“Tasmyn, this is the crux of the whole issue. You really aren’t mature enough to understand who can or cannot be trusted with a secret that could literally turn your life upside down. You’ve known these people for less than two months. Two months. That’s nothing in the greater scheme of things. They could be psychos. They could be completely rational people who just happen to mention to a friend that their son’s girlfriend can read minds, isn’t that neat? And just like that, it’s all over.” My father was becoming more and more angry as he spoke.
“You have no confidence in my ability to judge people, do you? Don’t you know that all these years, you and Mom have been teaching me how to do that? Because of you, I can discern when it’s safe to open up to someone and when it isn’t. I know for a fact that even if today I told Michael that I never wanted to see him again—” my heart skipped a beat at even the thought of that, “—he wouldn’t ever tell anyone about me. And I know that his parents love me. They haven’t known me for a long, but they do. And since they didn’t know until last night that I could sometimes hear them think, I feel pretty secure in trusting my intuition about that.”
I paused, looking at my parents for a minute. They were both shaken and somewhat appalled by what I had shared with them. I knew it would take time for them to di
gest it all and understand what I was trying to tell them.
“I want you both to understand that I love you, and I will always appreciate how you brought me up. I know it wasn’t easy. You faced challenges that most parents wouldn’t be able to handle. And I want you to know that everything you did, all the time you took—it was worth it! I’m able to control my listening, for the most part. And when I do slip, I’m able to discern what’s serious and what isn’t. I don’t make rash decisions and I don’t jump to conclusions.
“But I don’t think you raised me to stay the same little girl who was afraid of what she could do, who was scared to have friends in case they guessed the secret. I think you raised me to be able to go out on my own and live a full life. And I’m telling you, this is the beginning of it. It doesn’t mean I’m rebelling against you. It means I’m fulfilling every dream you had for me.”
The tension in the room had largely dissipated. My mother sat back in her chair and gazed at me thoughtfully. She glanced at my father, and when she spoke, her voice was low but steady.
“You’re right, Tas. We didn’t bring you up to be a hermit, or to stay with us forever. Maybe we just thought that we’d have a little more time. It was hard enough to accept that you’re ready to have a boyfriend, and we were probably pretty short-sighted not to realize that you’d want to share more of yourself with him.”
Now my face was really flaming. “Mom—you’re talking about Michael knowing I can hear minds, right? Because I haven’t, um, shared any more of myself with him.”
My mother laughed. “That is a relief, and it’s also a whole different conversation. No, I meant you telling him. Or him guessing, however it happened. I have to admit, though, that I’m very disappointed that you didn’t tell us sooner about him knowing. I won’t speak for your father, but it makes me feel left out. I’m also a little upset that you’ve been lying to us all this time.”
It was my turn to feel squirmy. “I didn’t really lie to you. You never asked me, and when you asked if I was being careful with Michael, I told you yes. That’s the truth. I was being careful. I am.”
“Tas.” My father’s rolled his eyes at me. “It’s the spirit of the rule, not the letter. You know that. You were fully aware of what we expected.”
“And what would you have done if I had told you?”
My mother spread her hands in front of her. “What can we do? He knows. It can’t be undone. We have to live with it, and hope for the best, I suppose.” Her tone indicated that she felt more doubt than hope about the situation.
“Your mom is right. But from now on, we expect you to be honest with us. No more secrets. Got it?”
I swallowed hard, thinking of what I hadn’t shared with them about Nell and Amber and our encounter in the clearing. I knew this wasn’t the time to do that, but I hated keeping anything from them. I nodded and forced a smile.
“Got it.”