Then the message that destroyed what little composure she had left.
Overrides confirmed, Captain Lorcan. All systems available.
With one hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs, Aine continued punching in commands one-handed, system overrides and locks, and brought the ship fully online.
“I’m back, girl,” she whispered through her tears.
By the time the planet shrank in their vid screen, she finally became aware of Sammuel standing behind her, watching her, not interfering.
“I couldn’t leave her,” Aine defiantly said, turning to look at him. “You can beat my ass if you want to later, you and Ker both can take turns, but no fucking way am I letting those bastards get her!”
He nodded. “I understand, Ki’ato,” he said. “It is all right.”
She turned away and stared at the front vid screen. They were in orbit already, could break and jump in minutes and return to the Ab’yoika Maru. She punched in nav beacon settings and activated the auto-pilot. After confirming the other three freighters had also safely lifted from the surface, albeit several minutes behind her because they had to hack the mainframes to take control without command codes, she activated the auto-jump.
Then she left the bridge.
Her feet slowed as she walked down the passageway. She could have closed her eyes and walked from the bridge to the hatch and made the turn automatically into the cabin without ever reaching out to the wall to find the doorway.
Even this many years later.
It lay before her, familiar and yet…not. None of the personal effects that had made it her home remained, all of them in storage with the rest of her fathers’ things. Sammuel had arranged through contacts to make sure her storage locker on Mars was paid several years in advance, guaranteeing her things remained secure.
She sensed Sammuel standing behind her. He didn’t speak.
She entered the cabin and looked around, then walked to Mal’s old cabin, which had been hers.
Aine closed her eyes and lifted her face to the ceiling. “Why did they have to die?” she screamed. “It’s not fucking fair! They were coming home to me! It was their last run, to make sure they could afford to send me to the Academy!”
Grief took her. When her knees unhinged and she collapsed to the deck she never hit. Sammuel’s strong arms caught her and held her, cradled her as he murmured soothing sounds, trying to calm her.
* * * *
Two hours later, they lay in what had once been her fathers’ bunk. Sammuel kept his arms tightly wrapped around her as she cried out the anguish and pain incinerating her soul.
“They died for me.”
“They died in a freak accident that killed others. Did those others die for you, too?”
She angrily pushed him away and sat up. “That’s not funny!”
“Do I look like I am laughing, Ki’ato? They knew the risks. They were experienced and good at their jobs. I am sure they loved you very much and never expected an accident to take their lives. But that makes it in no way your fault. I am also sure if they knew you blamed yourself it would upset them.”
“They sacrificed so I could become a captain, and look what I’ve become!” She climbed out of the bed and circled the cabin. “I’ve thrown it all away!”
He jumped out of bed and grabbed her by the arms. “How is saving lives and defeating the raiders throwing anything away! What is more important, a simple title or your actions?”
Tears filled her eyes again. “I don’t know anymore.”
He pulled her into his arms. “Oh, Ki’ato. I wish you would let us love that pain and doubt from your soul.”
* * * *
The journey back to the Ab’yoika Maru would take three days. Aine spent hours wandering the freighter’s empty corridors, remembering faces, names, voices. Eventually she could show Sammuel around without breaking down and crying at every turn of the passageway when yet another memory, long suppressed, came to mind.
“What’ll they do with her?” she asked as they came within range of the Ab’yoika Maru on their final approach. Her hand stroked the arm of the command chair. Not once during their journey had he tried to sit there or take over from her. He had deferred to her command the entire time.
“They will not scuttle her. Even if Master needs to buy her himself, I promise you, she will not be scuttled.”
More tears flowed. She nodded and returned her focus to the front vid screens. She knew over the past couple of days she’d been the total antithesis of her former Ice Queen persona. Seeing the Bagy in that valley shocked her, scared her, opened a floodgate of memories and emotions she’d struggled for years not deal to with and had finally been forced to.
Sammuel laid a gentle hand on her shoulder and squeezed. It was something Ker did with both of them. She’d found out it was a loving gesture, implying more than romantic love—pride, Masterly approval. It expressed many feelings not easily put into words. A gesture she quickly came to enjoy receiving, knowing she’d pleased one or both men in a way beyond just the romantic.
As an equal, as a peer, even though they were her Masters, professionally they were proud of her, of her accomplishments and skill.
When they finally stepped out of the hatch into the landing bay of the Ab’yoika Maru, Ker stood waiting at the bottom of the gangway. Aine found that unusual, because normally he would wait for them to come to him in their cabin.
He opened his arms to her. Unable to resist, she flew to him and sobbed as he pulled her tightly to his chest.
“Are you all right, Ki’ato?” he murmured into her hair. “You have been painfully sad the past few days. I could feel it this far away.”
Sammuel caught up to them and kissed Ker. “I will explain,” he said as he caressed her shoulder. “Let us return to our cabin first.”
Sammuel must have explained it to him mentally during the walk to their cabin because by the time they arrived Ker seemed to grasp the crux of her distress. “What can I do to make you feel better, love?” he asked.
She sniffled. “I don’t know if anything can make me feel better,” she admitted. “I just need to work through it.”
Over the course of their time together, she finally shared her history with Ker, including letting him see the things in her knapsack. He had listened just as intently as Sammuel had, as if she formed the center of his universe.
Which, of course, she knew she did.
“Are you unhappy with us, Ki’ato?” Ker asked.
“No!” She buried her head against his chest. “I just…miss some things. I second guess myself all the time. Wonder if they would be disappointed in me.”
He stroked her hair as he rested his chin on the top of her head. Her braid now hung halfway down her back, still more than half her original color but steadily turning. “They most assuredly would not be disappointed in you. You have saved many lives by your actions over the years. How could any parent be ashamed or disappointed by that?”
She didn’t respond.
He didn’t press her further.
Later that afternoon, Ker received a priority communication from the Confederation requiring both men’s presence. Aine felt a little miffed at being left out, but she technically didn’t have clearance to be there despite being second officer.
Which triggered a return of her unrest.
What was wrong with her that she couldn’t simply be happy with what she had? An arrangement that many would kill for, two men who loved her with their entire being. Had she been too damaged by her early losses to appreciate and accept their unconditional love?
Maybe she didn’t really know how to love. Sometimes she felt like maybe they loved her a lot more than she loved them.
Would they be better off without her? Maybe they could find someone better for them. She never did believe their bond was for life, no matter what they said. There had to be an out clause somewhere, right? Besides, wasn’t it just a matter of time before they left her, or worse, died because
of her?
Just like everyone else in my life died for me.
Her parents died working to support them. Aggie died to protect her. Her fathers died to give her an education.
Somehow, by the time the men returned several hours later, she managed to compose herself and shield her thoughts from them. They both frowned, sensing something bothered her, but neither pressed.
They were good about that, sensing when to back off and leave her alone, when it was okay to crowd close and comfort her. And when to stay close when she said she wanted to be left alone, even though that was the last thing she wanted.
Ker called her over to the table to sit with them.
“You need to hear this, Ki’ato,” he said, his face grim.
“What’s going on?”
“The raiders have started retaliating. They feel they have nothing left to lose in this sector, and they’re on the offensive. The Confederation has asked us to participate in the operations.”
“As a shadow vessel?”
He shook his head. “No, as a fully participating member of the defense force. Because we are in diplomatic negotiations, they are willing to openly embrace us in this.”
“Because we brought the freighters back.”
“There is that.”
“Okay. What do we do?” Finally, something to take her mind off her self-pity.
He glanced at Sammuel. He looked far from happy about this and apparently Ker ordered him to remain silent. He studied his hands, which he held clasped together on the table in front of him.
Ker explained. “We will take the Ab’yoika Maru and a contingent of available battle-ready vessels into the conflict and fight alongside the Confederation.”
There had to be more to it. Sammuel looked ready to explode. “Aaaaand?”
“You will be in command of one of the ships, if you wish to accept. You do not have to. You can decline a command and stay here with me.”
She thought she misheard him at first, until she finally put together Sammuel’s agitation with the revelation. “Me?”
Ker nodded. “You have the battle experience, command skills, strategic expertise, and the knowledge of our ship systems and language to take an Act’huran ship into combat as its captain.”
She took a long, slow breath to settle her mind and mouth before she said the wrong thing and crushed Sammuel’s heart in the process. “Why is he so upset?” she carefully asked.
“Because Master refuses to let me go with you!” he shouted, unable to contain himself. He stood, shoving his chair back so hard it tipped over. Then he stormed out of their cabin.
Ker took a deep breath of his own and returned his attention to Aine. “Love, please understand, he has every confidence in you. I, however, have the advantage of age and experience biting my tongue every time he has left for what I knew could quite possibly be the last time I ever saw him alive. I do not enjoy this feeling of letting you go. I know I cannot hold you back, either. Especially when the greater good is at stake.”
“My own ship?”
“For the purpose of this mission, yes. They are anticipating anywhere from three to six months. Possibly longer. I need Sammuel in command of a vessel. His distress, beyond the obvious concern for your safety, is that he will be apart from you for so long. You both will leave tomorrow. If you wish to go, you shall take command of the Haltoran-dey.”
At war within her—the heartache of being away from them for that long and the joy of having her own command again.
What she was meant to do?
“I’ll do it. Can I go talk to him?”
He nodded. “Please do not quarrel with him. His anger is at me, knowing I am right about this and still not liking it.”
She finally found Sammuel in the sparring room three decks down, taking out his anger on a heavy punching bag. He’d shed his shirt and uniform coat and viciously attacked the bag bare-handed. His knuckles were already raw and bleeding.
She knew she couldn’t let him gig her into a fight over this, and it’s exactly what he would do if he could in his present state of mind. She felt badly he was so scared for her. The last thing she wanted to do was compound the situation.
He didn’t look at her when she crossed the room. She stood there for several minutes, mentally trying to get him to stop, to look at her, acknowledge her, anything. His mental anguish washed from him, waves of pain and fear and grief.
“Why are you so upset,” she softly asked.
He stopped his rapid-fire punches and looked at her. “All this time together and you must ask me that?”
“I’ll come back to you.”
He grabbed her by the shoulders. “Do you not understand?” he screamed, shaking her. “I love you! To lose you after you nearly died in my arms not once, but twice, would be more than my heart could take!” His green eyes, the same shade as hers, flashed with something akin to madness. “I cannot lose you, Ki’ato! It would destroy me! I would kill any man that dared to lay his hand on you besides Master. Do you think that losing you to the raiders would be any easier on my sanity, no matter how noble the cause?” A ragged sob escape him as he released her and turned away. He stalked across the room and stopped, his back to her.
She followed and wrapped her arms around him from behind.
That’s when she felt his body tremble and she realized he was crying.
Aine kissed his back, between his shoulder blades. “Those bastards didn’t get me the last time. They won’t get me this time, either.”
“The raiders increased the bounty on your life to five billion dollars,” he hoarsely said. “And now the raiders know you and I both are coming. The bounty on my head was raised to five hundred million. As part of the treaty process, Master had to officially report our whereabouts and crew status to the Confederation, even though they already unofficially knew we were alive and with the Act’hurans. That official information was in Confederation hands no more than thirty minutes before the information was intercepted. They have already found the source of the leak and apprehended them, but they will all be after you, Ki’ato. That is another reason he will not let me stay with you, because he does not want them focusing on one ship in an attempt to get to us both.”
“They won’t get me. I’m a pretty tough bitch.” She forced a laugh in an attempt to lighten the mood. “I know they won’t get you, either. You’re a pretty tough son of a bitch.”
He spun around, breaking her grip on him. “This is not a joke!”
“Do I look like I’m laughing, Sammuel? I’m a Confederation captain, dammit! You know how I was raised. My career started the fucking second that son of a bitch shot Aggie by the cargo pallet!”
Aine felt her rage wash through her despite her promise to Ker. She advanced on him, got into his face as much as she could despite their difference in height. “You had a sucky childhood? Fine. At least you had a childhood! You had parents! What were you doing at age five? I was learning how to re-route a faulty plasma inductor relay on the fly without a manual or wiring schematic. By age ten, I could rewire a com panel with my eyes shut and override life support from a remote location. My brother was murdered when he was sixteen. He died trying to protect me. You left home at age sixteen? It was your choice. At least you had a home to leave! I was fucking orphaned. Again!”
She turned from him, prepared to stomp out and find her own secluded cool-down room when he grabbed her arm and dragged her back to him.
She tried to fight him off. He crushed her body against his and kissed her, hungrily, as if he feared it was their last time together. “Promise me,” he hoarsely said. “Please, Ki’ato, promise me you will return safely to me. I cannot bear to almost lose you again, much less suffer the real thing.”
Her anger faded as she felt his keening pain, agonizing to him that he couldn’t, in this case, protect her no matter how much he wanted to. That he knew his presence would only increase the threat, not keep her safe. She draped her arms around his neck.
“I will always come home to you. I will not leave you or Master. I promise.”
He lowered her to the floor mats, quickly stripping her shirt and trousers from her as he fumbled with his own pants. She sat up and pushed him down and helped him. Once he was naked, he grabbed her hips and lifted her on top of him, thrusting his cock hard and deep inside her.
He pulled her down to his chest, his arms tightly around her again. “Ki’ato,” he murmured into her hair. “My Little One. You truly are a fierce radiance. I feel I am seared in your presence until you wrap yourself around me, and I do not care if the flames consume me.”
She slowly worked her hips with him, gently, lovingly, wanting it to last. Knowing he needed this with her. He had never before experienced a fear so crippling, rendering him helpless and unable to act.
“I can never leave Master again after this,” he whispered. “Not if what he feels at my departure is a fraction of this ache. I had no idea he suffered so. I only wanted to fly. I never gave thought to his distress before. He never let me know it.”
She pushed up onto her arms and kissed him. “Shh. We’ll get through this. I want to take these bastards down and hopefully save some lives in the process.”
He framed her face with his palms. “If you die, I swear to the gods I will kill myself and follow you and haunt you for eternity.”
“You wouldn’t do that to Master.” She hoped her teasing smile would draw him out a little. It worried her he felt so upset.
“No, I would not because you would not do that to me. Would you?”
“Never. You’re stuck with me for life.”
He rolled them over and lowered his mouth to one breast, then the other, teasing her, sucking on her nipples until they tautly peaked, making her gasp with need. “Please, Sammuel, do it.”
He wiggled his hips. “Maybe I wish to savor this.”
“Take me now, please! Then you and Master can both take me in our bed and show me how much you love me.”
His eyes darkened as his passion displaced his anguish. “That is a very fair offer.” He sat up, hooked his arms under her legs, and threw them over his shoulders as he started fucking her hard and fast.