Chapter 2
Scrutinized
Age 14
I’m walking down the hall, making my way to my next class. My bag feels heavy on my shoulders. It’s packed to the brim with books. Some boys run past me, almost smashing me into the wall as they push me aside. Sometimes I feel like a bug ready to be squashed. Being a newbie gives them all the more reason to do it. They like tormenting us, laughing.
Oh well, guess I have no choice but to get through this.
As I walk up to some of the girls in my class, I already feel my stomach churn. I can’t seem to make friends with anyone around here, no matter how hard I try. I think they find me annoying, but I don’t mean to be. I don’t know why I can’t be different.
Still, I’ll have to deal with them. Brody isn’t here to support me, he’s already a junior. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t keep trying, right?
When one of the girls notices me, she winces. “Oh my god.”
“What?” I say, my eyes searching the hall.
She points at me, and I suddenly feel naked. “That.” She pulls up her lip. “Your clothes.”
“What’s wrong with my clothes?”
“Seriously, you put on baggy pants?”
I look down at my legs and try to see what she means, but I seriously don’t get what she’s getting at.
“They look horrible,” another girl says.
The third girl starts laughing. My cheeks turn red as a beet, and I frown.
“Girl, you can’t wear that to school.”
“I-I don’t have anything else,” I stutter. I feel cornered by these girls.
“Where do you get your clothes?”
“Uhm … Walmart,” I mumble. I don’t know why they’re asking me all these questions. I don’t even know why I’m answering, but it feels rude not to.
They chuckle. “Oh god …” one of them says.
“Seriously, hun? You really gotta shop at a better store. Like Zara,” another one says.
Frowning, I sigh and fold my arms. “I can’t.” I wish I could. I wish I could decide where to shop and what to wear. I wish money grew on trees.
“Why not? Who buys clothes at Walmart anyway?” She smirks, and I just want to smack her right in the face, but I don’t. That’s not who I am. I would never do that. I wouldn’t even try. I’m too much of a wimp. Besides, there’s no telling what they’d do to me if I did that. I don’t want to get into a fight.
“It’s none of your business,” I say.
They start laughing again. It hurts so much to hear the sound. It’s like they took my heart, cut it from my chest, and stomped on it.
As I walk past them, one of them jerks my hair, pulling down my ponytail. Tears well up in my eyes. I can’t take this. I can’t go into class feeling humiliated like this.
So I run to the nearest bathroom and lock myself in a stall.
♥♥♥
I’m eating lunch with Brody, trying to keep my head down so I don’t draw any attention to myself. We’re tucked into our little corner at the end of the lunchroom. Nobody bats an eye at us, except when Brody accidentally knocks over his soda right in front of one of those girls from my class.
“Hey! Watch it.”
“Sorry,” he says.
“Jerk,” she says, scowling at him before walking away.
Some other girls pass and take a quick glance at me, giggling, passing some gossip to each other, which I can’t overhear. I don’t even need to hear it to know they’re talking about me.
I feel embarrassed, so I hide my face by supporting it with my hands, and stare at the full plate of food in front of me. I couldn’t eat one bit, not even if I wanted to.
“Hey, don’t think about them.” Brody smiles at me, but it’s more of a pity smile than a happy smile. I know he’s trying to cheer me up and make me feel better, but it’s not working. He doesn’t realize how much they tease me here. I would even go so far as to call it bullying.
“They’re not worth it,” he adds.
I sigh. “I know. I just can’t pretend they’re not there. I hear them laugh. I feel them push me around. I hear them call me names. One of them even shoved a note in my backpack that said I was an ugly one-eyed monster.”
“You can pretend. When I’m not there, just put on some music when you’re around them. Then you won’t hear anything.”
“And then what? I’ll still see their faces. I know they’re watching me, and they’ll still be talking about me. Just because I can’t hear it, doesn’t mean it’s not real. Knowing they’re doing it is enough.”
“But you can just close your eyes and think about something else, right?”
“No!” I drop my hand on the table, making an unusual amount of noise. “It’s real. It hurts.”
Suddenly I notice everyone’s watching. Their glares pierce my skin as I turn around in my seat. Embarrassment doesn’t even begin to cover what I feel right now.
Brody clears his throat. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I take a deep breath and cringe in my seat, trying to make myself as tiny as humanly possible. I swear, if I could disappear right now, I would do it. No question about it.
Brody reaches for my hand, gently taking it in his, squeezing tight. “I’m really sorry. I know you’re having a difficult time.”
I just smile and look at him. I don’t know what to say.
“I wish I was there to put a stop to it, but I can’t. So I’m here for you during lunch time and whenever I have the chance. Anyway, I’m here for you,” he says.
I throw him a quick lopsided smile. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”
I’m glad I have at least one friend in high school. He’s my only support right now. Especially since it’s not going so well at home. There’s no one else I can go to at the moment, but even that will come to an end. Soon, Brody will graduate, and I’ll be left to fend off the bullies on my own.
I wonder if I’ll survive.
♥♥♥
Stepping up the porch, my heart feels like it sinks back into my chest. Coming home isn’t like it was when I was still young and naïve. Back then I believed everything was perfect, no problems. Life as a kid is such bliss. Maybe I was just ignorant, maybe I should’ve seen before that my parents were just playing pretend for my sake. When I look back now, I’m thankful they did this for me. But now that I’ve lost my rose-colored glasses, I miss not knowing the struggles of everyday life.
As my hand drifts over the door handle, their yelling bursts right through the wooden door. This house can’t contain the misery that’s inside it.
Sighing, I enter the house and close the door behind me. I try to be as quiet as I can, hoping they don’t notice I’m here. I don’t want them to involve me in their fight. It’s not me they’re fighting about. I used to think that was the case when I was a little younger, but now I realize what’s really going on.
Money problems.
The steps of the stair creak, and suddenly my mother appears in the door opening. Shit. I’ve been caught.
“Hey!” she says cheerfully, as if she’s all happy. As if they weren’t just arguing.
“What’s up?” I say.
“Well, aren’t you going to say hi? How was your day?”
I sigh. “Just like always.”
“Oh, honey …” She comes closer and places a hand on my arm. I appreciate she’s trying to help me get over it, but it’s not something that I need right now. Besides, I feel like I don’t deserve her pity. She’s got it tough too, and I think their problems are much bigger than mine. I can’t believe she wants to take the time to talk about mine. She’s got enough on her plate as it is.
“Things will be okay,” she says.
“How? They’re not quitting.”
“It will, believe me.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. She keeps telling me this, but I’ve got my doubts. What bothers me more is that I don’t have a happy family to come home to anymore. My l
ife at school is disastrous, and now my family is breaking down too. I wish things could just go back to the way it used to be. If that’s even possible. Maybe we could just pretend again.
“Mom…”
“What is it?”
I want to ask her if they can stop fighting. If they could make it at least bearable for me at home. If they could turn it into a safe haven again, so the bad feelings won’t follow me here from school.
But then I realize that’s selfish. I can’t ask that from her. “It’s nothing,” I say, and then I run up the stairs.