“You are a gorgeous family,” I murmur and Nat’s eyes well up.
“I’m going to go fill everyone in,” Luke says. He kisses Natalie, passionately, earning a token eye-roll from me, kisses the baby’s cheek, and pulls away. “Jules, are you going to stay?”
“Yes, I’ll stay with our girls until you get back, then I’ll give you some alone time with them.”
“Thank you.” He walks to me and wraps me in his arms, hugging me tightly. Luke’s an affectionate guy, but this is different. Special. “Thank you, sweet girl,” he whispers in my ear, then walks out to talk to our families.
Well, hell.
“Hey.” I walk over to the side of the hospital bed and take a few more pictures of Natalie and Olivia, then set the camera aside and sit on the bed next to them. “You did good, friend.”
“Thank you. So did you. Thank you for reminding Luke to breathe before he passed out.”
We both laugh, and I know that’s one moment I’ll never let him forget. “That’s what I’m here for.” I tuck a spare strand of hair behind Nat’s ear and grin down at the baby. “She’s so pretty, Nat. I mean, how can she not be with parents who look like you guys do, but seriously, she’s gorgeous.”
“I think so too. I’m a mommy, Jules.”
“And I’m an auntie again! Oh my God, that’s cool.” We grin stupidly at each other. “Okay, so, when did you get a tat on your jay-jay?”
She shrugs and adjusts the blanket around Olivia. “About two years ago. And it’s not on my jay-jay, which I’m pretty sure is not the official medical term for that part of my anatomy.”
“Wanna tell me what it says?”
“Nope.”
“Are you ever going to tell me what any of them say?”
“Probably.”
“Okay.” Enough tattoo talk. “Can I hold her for a minute before I go?”
“Of course! Here.” She hands me the small bundle and scoots over on the bed a little so we can curl up together.
“How do you feel?” I ask.
“Sore, but the drugs are delightful. I am looking forward to getting my old body back.”
“You didn’t get any stretch marks, you bitch.”
She smiles smugly. “Lots of shea butter and yoga. Remember that.”
“I’m not doing babies.” I shake my head adamantly. No way.
“Right, says the woman snuggling with a baby right now.”
“I can snuggle with babies. They don’t have to come from my body.” I shake my head again and smile as Olivia makes a sucky motion with her lips.
“She might be hungry.”
“I’m hungry,” Nat responds. “Can you call the nurse? I want mashed potatoes and gravy. Stat.”
“So much for getting your old body back,” I smirk and push the call button.
“Don’t be a bitch. I just had a baby. I can have whatever I want.”
***
Luke comes back with our parents while all the siblings are still waiting their turn for a quick visit in the waiting room, and I decide it’s a good time to sneak out. I know that my mom will make sure that everyone keeps their visits to a minimum so Luke and Nat can enjoy some alone time with their daughter, and so Nat can rest.
I make it down to the small empty waiting room that I called Nate from earlier and I’m suddenly flooded with emotion. I can’t stop the tears from falling down my face, and I’m crying so hard my knees buckle.
I collapse into a chair and hold my face in my hands, my elbows on my knees, and let the tears flow.
“Hey, what’s wrong, bean?” I gasp and look up, and there’s my brother, Matt, in the doorway. He’s called me string bean since we were kids.
I can’t speak to him. Seeing his calm, kind face makes me cry harder, and before I know it, he’s kneeling before me and pulling me into a big hug, stroking my back.
“It’s okay. Cry it out.”
I’m not a crier, but it feels like that’s all I’ve done over the past few weeks. I don’t know what to do with all of these new emotions running through me.
Finally, the tears stop, and Matt hands me a box of Kleenex from a nearby table.
“What was that all about?” he asks as I blow my nose. He sits in the chair beside me.
“I’ve been so worried about Natalie and the baby all day, and I’m exhausted, and I was mean to Nate on the phone, and I just love that baby so much, and I hate crying.”
Matt chuckles and strokes my back again. “Hey, it’s okay. Having babies is exhausting, even for the helpers. Nat and Olivia are fine, Nate will get over it, and you just need to sleep.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” I sit back and look over at my handsome brother. Of all of us, he’s the only one with darker hair, but he’s as tall as my other brothers, and just as built. He’s a Seattle cop, and he’s badass in a calm, controlled way. He doesn’t have Caleb’s temper or Will’s arrogance. He’s quiet. But he will fuck you up if he needs to.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I was going to pop in and see the baby, say congratulations, and then head in to work.”
“Working night shift?” I ask.
“Yeah, I picked up some extra shifts.” He stands and helps me to my feet. “Feel better?”
“I do, thanks. I’m going to go home and sleep off this weird mood.”
“Okay, drive safe, bean.”
“You too.” I kiss his cheek and head for home.
***
My bed feels delicious. And empty. I settle in, ready to go to sleep early, and grab my phone. Should I call Nate and apologize for being a raging bitch, or just text him and talk to him tomorrow?
I choose to text and think up a really nice way to apologize when I see him.
I’m home. Baby and mom are healthy.
I lay back and start to drift when my phone pings.
Ok
Ok? That’s it? I frown. This is not the Nate I know and have grown to love. He’s pissed off at me, and when I think back to the way I spoke to him, I don’t blame him. He was just worried about me, after all.
I decide to call him and apologize. He answers on the second ring.
“Hello, Julianne.” I don’t like the cold tone of his voice.
“Hi,” I murmur.
“Hi.”
“Nate, I’m sorry about earlier. I really am.”
I hear him sigh, and I feel even more guilty, knowing how much stress he has on him over work, and I know I made him even more worried today, and hurt his feelings. And I love him, I don’t want to hurt him.
“I think we need to discuss a few things tomorrow night.” Oh, so apology not accepted.
“Okay,” I whisper and hear him sigh again. “I miss you.”
“Do you.”
God, I really screwed up.
“Yes.”
Silence.
“Please say something.”
“What do you want me to say?” he asks.
“I don’t know.” I feel tears threatening again, and I try to keep them out of my voice. “I just don’t want you to be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad. I’m disappointed and hurt, Julianne. That’s twice that you’ve managed to hurt my feelings.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Nate. Today was hard, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
“Like I said, we have some things to talk about tomorrow. I’d rather we didn’t do it over the phone. I need to see your face.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re too good at trying to hide what you’re feeling behind that badass persona of yours, but your eyes don’t lie.”
Holy shit.
“I am not lying to you, Nate. I miss you and I’m sorry that I was a bitch today.”
“Don’t ever call yourself a bitch again.” Jesus! I can’t say anything right!
“I’m going to let you go, this isn’t getting us anywhere. Do you need a ride from the airport tomorrow night?”
“No.”
?
??Are you going to come to my place?”
“No, come to my place after work.”
“I don’t have a key.”
“Yes you do.”
Huh?
“I do?”
“Yes, check your key ring. I put it on there last weekend.” His voice is softer now and I’m shocked.
“Oh.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Julianne.”
Chapter Seventeen
This has been the day from hell. I was late to work this morning, after sleeping like the dead last night and through my alarm. Mrs. Glover was not pleased to see me this morning, but when I explained what happened, and showed her the photos of baby Olivia on my phone, she softened up a bit and said she understood.
Thank goodness.
Not that she’s my boss, but I do not want to make an enemy of her.
Nate has been in constant communication with me all day, sending emails requesting documents or research to be done, but nothing at all personal. As soon as I got to my office this morning, I opened the document I had Jenny email to Nate yesterday, and was stunned to see that Nate was right. It was half-done, and riddled with mistakes. It was not the final draft I’d finished, saved and attached to the email to go out to him. I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I hope that the extra work I’ve put in this morning has helped straighten the mess out.
I feel shitty for making Nate think that our relationship isn’t important to me. Of course it is. But there are times that he’s just so… bossy. I know he’s a strong, intelligent man, and that he wants to protect me and care for me, but I’ve always been so fiercely independent, I forget that I’m no longer a “me” and part of a “we”.
I need to make it up to him. But how?
I’m pondering this when another email comes through from Nate.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013 14:28
From: Nathan McKenna
To: Julianne Montgomery
Subject: Departing
Julianne,
I am about to board the plane back to Seattle. Once you’ve finished with the reports I emailed to you earlier, you are free to leave for the day.
Nate
He’s still so cold, although I know that in work email he doesn’t really have a choice. He could have texted me with something more personal, and the fact that he didn’t makes me really nervous.
Did I fuck up so badly yesterday that he’s going to break it off?
Wednesday, May, 15, 2013 14:35
From: Julianne Montgomery
To: Nathan McKenna
Subject: Re: Departing
Nate,
Safe travels. See you in the office tomorrow.
Julianne
But he’s not getting off that easy. I pull out my phone and send him a text.
Please travel safely. I’m excited to see you tonight.
There is no response.
Shit.
***
I’m later getting to Nate’s than I really intended to be. I had to stop by the hospital to see Natalie, Luke and Olivia, and I couldn’t go empty-handed, so I stopped to shop a little on the way. I ended up with a huge, super-soft giraffe and a tiny pink onesie that says, “Birth: Nailed It.”
I don’t have any idea if Nate has already made it home because I haven’t heard a peep from him. I guess I’ll find out when I get there.
I park in my usual space, leave my suitcase in the car in case I’m not welcome to stay here tonight, and ride the elevator to his floor, and as the elevator climbs, so does my anxiety level.
Based on how things have gone over the past twenty-four hours, I’m inclined to believe that things may be done between us. The thought of it makes me hurt like nothing ever has before.
I walk down to his door and put my shiny new key in the lock. I step into Nate’s apartment, and can immediately sense that I’m alone.
He’s not home yet.
It’s chilly inside, so I switch on his gas fireplace to warm the space and turn on a few lamps in the living room and the light over the kitchen stove.
Maybe I should cook for him? I wonder if he’s eaten.
I’m standing in the middle of Nate’s sexy kitchen, wondering what to do with myself when the front door opens and he walks inside, pulling his small black suitcase behind him. He’s wearing another dark suit and tie, and his hair is pulled back off his face.
He’s still in executive mode.
“I’ll be right back,” he murmurs and walks through the great room toward his bedroom without sparing me a glance.
Maybe I should just save him the trouble of telling me it’s over and leave now. I know he’s mad, and I wasn’t expecting a scene from a movie where we run toward each other in slow motion and hold on for dear life. We saw each other just yesterday morning, for Pete’s sake, but I was hoping for something a little warmer than that.
My heels click on the hardwood as I walk to the couch and gather my purse and wrap, and then I head to the front door. My hand is on the knob when I hear his hard voice across the room.
“If you walk through that door, so help me God, Julianne, I will tie you to my bed.”
I lower my head and sigh. I’m so confused. He wants me to stay?
“Look at me.” It’s not a request.
I turn around and face him. He’s changed into a soft gray t-shirt and black jeans, and his hair is down. He’s shed his professional clothes, and is just a man standing before me.
An angry man.
“Where are you going?” he asks and crosses his arms over his chest.
“Home.”
“Why?”
“You don’t seem to be terribly happy to see me.” I’m proud of keeping my voice steady despite the tears that want to come.
God, I’m such a girl.
Regret moves through his eyes and he frowns and runs a hand through his hair. He doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and I take that to mean that I’m right. I close my eyes and hang my head, bracing myself for the goodbye.
“It’s okay, Nate. I get it. I’ll go.” I turn back toward the door and before I know what’s happening, Nate twirls me around and grips my shoulders in his large, strong hands, holding me in front of him, his feral eyes trained on mine. He’s panting, and he’s just so angry.
“You are not running again.”
“I’m not going to stay where I’m not wanted.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ve barely heard from you since last night. You won’t talk to me. You’re cold and distant. I’m not an idiot, Nate, I know when someone’s trying to break it off.”
He clenches his teeth and closes his eyes, then looks at me with such need my knees almost buckle.
“I don’t know how to deal with how I feel for you. I was a wreck yesterday when I couldn’t reach you. No one at the office knew where you ran off to, and you wouldn’t answer me. When you finally did call me, you brushed me off and told me I’m ridiculous and that our relationship is bullshit.”
“That’s not what I…”
“That’s what you said,” he interrupts me and grips me tighter. “No one hurts me, Julianne. No one. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me. That’s what got me through fighting, and it’s what’s gotten me to where I am now. And then you came into my life, and you just blindsided me. I am so fucking wrapped up in you I can’t see straight, and you tell me I’m a caveman for wanting to protect you and that our relationship is bullshit.”
Tears are running down my cheeks at the despair and loss on his face. My God, I had no idea his feelings for me are so strong. That he feels for me the same way that I feel for him.
I’ve never been so relieved and devastated at the same time. How am I going to fix this?
“I don’t know how to deal with it either, Nate.” I cup his face in my hands. “I was so sure that you were finished with me, that I’d pissed you off so badly that we
couldn’t fix it. I didn’t mean that our relationship is bullshit. I didn’t.” I stress this and look him dead in the eyes. He’s watching me, listening, and I continue.
“Everything happened so fast yesterday. I was a mess, and I’m never a mess. You were gone, Carly at work was bragging to me about how she’s banging you and running off to New York with you,” Nate blanches, but I keep going before he can speak. “And then Luke called, freaking out because Nat’s water broke. I just left and went to the hospital, forgetting everything else.” I take a deep breath and wipe the tears still flowing down my cheeks away with my fingers.
“When Natalie finally agreed to take the meds, I checked my phone and saw that you’d been trying to reach me, and I called you right away. I swear, I didn’t mean to hurt you at all, but I was annoyed that you were annoyed with me, and I had so much going through my head. I said the wrong thing, and I apologize again.”
“Jules, I’m sure I could have handled things better too, I just…” he swallows and looks down, carefully choosing his words. “I just hate the fact that I have this primal need inside of me to protect you. I’ve never felt this about anyone before, and you just don’t need me. I’m so proud of you for being the independent, confident, intelligent woman you are, but you don’t need me, and I want to take care of you, more than you will ever know.”
He releases my shoulders and runs his hands down my arms to link his fingers in mine. He’s so wrong. I do need him.
I take a deep breath, stealing myself for the words I’m about to say. I grip his fingers with mine, and realize we’re still standing by the doorway. I don’t want to break this moment by suggesting we sit, so I look into his eyes again and bare my soul.
“You’re so wrong,” I whisper. He frowns and looks apprehensive again. “You once said to me that if I’d been paying attention for the past year I would have seen that I’m the only woman you’re interested in.” I swallow and look down at his chest.
“Look at me,” he whispers and I comply, seeing hope in his gorgeous gray eyes.