“Five,” Ryan replied curtly, picking up the pace. Jake kept up alongside him, and feeling stupid for being rude, Ryan asked, “You?”
Jake grinned. “Same. Fin here…” he nodded at where she followed quietly behind the two of them “…starts grade three.”
Loud and quick to laugh, Jake was hard to ignore. They became fast friends before Ryan even realised it was happening. When they talked about the future, he found himself trusting Jake enough to talk about his dream. Impressed and excited, Jake shared it with him—both of them making a vow to one day join the Army together.
The beatings didn’t go away though, and there was only so much you could hide from your best friend. A game of basketball in the driveway revealed a set of bruised ribs when they were twelve. Jake had a hand shoved in Ryan’s chest as he leaped for the basket. Doing his best to block the shot, Ryan shoved back and they both went crashing to the ground. Jake’s elbow caught him hard, and Ryan curled into a ball, stifling the cry of pain.
“Dude, what the fuck?”
His stomach rolling, Ryan blinked, focusing on Jake’s face peering down at him.
“You okay?”
Frowning, Jake’s eyes fell to where Ryan cradled his ribs, as though trying to keep the pain from getting loose. Grabbing the hem of Ryan’s shirt, he shoved it upwards and his eyes went wide.
“You can’t say anything,” Ryan whispered, not looking at him.
“Who did this?”
They sat there in the driveway, the sun fading warmly in the humid afternoon as Ryan told Jake what happened to his family. He kept it brief, holding onto the basketball and twirling it in his hands as he spoke.
From that day on, Ryan spent most of his time at the Tanners’. Their home in Cottesloe became his refuge—the one place he never felt worthless, only welcome … and safe. Ryan would stay over often. While everyone slept, he could let the hurt he hid so well rise to the surface. The tears he kept back would spill over, falling silently down his face and soaking the pillow.
Jake, it seemed, had it all. Ryan tried not to let jealousy eat him up because Jake was sharing it with him. Mike and Julie Tanner became like parents to him. Mike was tall and broad, fit from years of playing rugby at national level. He settled into a career of physiotherapy, but he got both Jake and Ryan into the sport. He would ferry them both to and from rugby training, sometimes staying to help out. Jake and Fin got their green eyes from their father, but their blond hair came from Julie. She worked as a personal assistant, but she still found time to get involved in team administration: sorting sign-ups, uniforms, and coordinating schedules.
Spending most of his time at the Tanners’ meant growing up with Fin. Fin was quiet and not quick to make friends like Jake was. She was the person who sat back until she had you figured out. Ryan knew the moment she was comfortable in his company. The lowering of her eyes around him stopped. Instead, he watched them fill with light and laughter, revealing a personality beneath that was just like Jake’s, only softer. It was a side she didn’t show many people, and he felt special being the one to see it.
Fin would spend time hanging out with them. Jake would get irritated with her tagging along all the time, but Ryan didn’t mind. He liked having her nearby where he could watch out for her, or just simply watch her. He was fascinated at seeing the way her brain ticked over, absorbing life with her smart, analytical mind. Fin seemed to have swallowed the world encyclopaedia, spitting out facts at random moments and making him laugh. She saw things in a way he never could—with an open heart and a smile.
Eventually, Fin found her group of friends. They would sit around in her room on weekends, playing boy band music that made him and Jake gag. In retaliation, Jake would turn their own music up until the walls started thumping. It usually ended with Mike yelling up the stairs to “turn that bloody crap off.”
If their music wasn’t painful enough, the giggles started. With Jake and him lazing on the couch in the living room watching television, the girls would walk by and break out in squeals of laughter before dashing quickly away. Jake would roll his eyes and ignore them, but Ryan always had a smile for Fin. He liked that her eyes would brighten when she smiled back. It warmed the coldest part of him, the part buried so deep it rarely saw the light of day.
When he was fourteen, Fin started coming to rugby matches. She would bring her study books and sit so quietly you’d forget she was there. But Ryan never forgot. Prickles of awareness would tingle down his spine whenever she was close. When he glanced her way from the rugby field, she was watching him, and a pretty flush began accompanying the bright smiles she gave him.
He was sixteen when he realised the tightening in his chest when he looked at Fin was not how you would feel towards a sister. One simple word echoed in his head when he thought of her. Mine. That urge to protect didn’t just grow hotter and brighter, it burned him like a possessive punch to the gut, and at their weekend rugby match it caught fire.
Fin was sitting quietly, her study books spread out as she did her thing. In the middle of the game, Ryan caught two boys his age knocking the books off the table. If he had a second, he would’ve taken it to admire her. It seemed his Fin had a voice. She stood up, shouting as she jabbed a finger at the one closest. He got in her space, tugging a lock of her pretty hair. Ryan saw bright, burning red—every protective instinct in his young body firing like a rocket. With dark eyes blazing, he passed the ball, ran right off the field, and started swinging.
Although missing what happened, Jake immediately had Ryan’s back. Joining in the fight, wild punches were thrown until they were all pulled apart. The match had to be halted, and in the end, Ryan’s team had to forfeit the game.
Ryan disappeared that afternoon, needing to distance himself from the Tanners and not knowing how. He couldn’t think of Fin as his. He couldn’t feel that way. Ryan had to focus on fighting his way out of this town. How could he do that if Fin owned his heart?
Staying away didn’t work. Ryan was too entrenched in their lives. So he watched Fin grow older. Her slight frame grew taller and filled out a little. Her hair, usually tied off her face, was left to hang in thick golden sheets down her back. He would find his eyes dropping to her mouth constantly, his heart thumping as he imagined leaning in and kissing her.
By eighteen Ryan ached constantly with the need to touch her. He could barely meet her eyes anymore for fear of her seeing the craving in his. It didn’t help when Fin and her posse of friends sprawled under the sun in the backyard. Stripped down to bikinis, they would giggle and chatter lazily as they watched Ryan, Jake, and their friends play cricket. Ryan would wish they were playing rugby instead. That way he could at least tackle his friends when he caught them looking Fin’s way.
Then the day Ryan feared came all too soon. Fin got asked out on her first date.
The five of them were sitting down at the table eating dinner when she told them. Ryan’s jaw clenched at the news. He stared blindly at his dinner plate, his appetite suddenly disappearing. The urge to push away from the table so he could hurt in private overwhelmed him.
“No,” Mike replied firmly.
Ryan closed his eyes, relief rushing through him.
“But, Dad—”
“You’re only sixteen,” Mike pointed out with a shake of his head. “That’s too young for dating.”
Fin looked at Julie. “Mum—”
“Honey,” she said softly. “How about you give it another year before you think about that, okay?”
Another year? Ryan could live with that. Another year and he would be gone. He wouldn’t have to stand by and watch Fin give to someone else what should be his. The thought of someone else kissing her and touching her made him feel sick.
With dinner finished Fin pushed away from the table. Ryan watched her stride through the living room and out to the backyard.
Jake looked at him across the table and nodded upstairs. “Ghost Recon rematch?”
“Sure.” Ryan’s eyes fe
ll on Fin sitting cross-legged outside in the grass, and he felt a tug at his heart. With Jake already at the stairs, he said, “Be up in sec, okay?”
“Okay,” Jake called out, disappearing towards his room.
With Mike and Julie chattering quietly in the kitchen, Ryan made his way outside. Fin looked up at his approach and he sat down at her side.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded silently, plucking at the fat blades of grass Jake had mowed that very morning.
“Who asked you out?”
Fin shrugged. “Does it matter?”
Of course it mattered. No one would ever be good enough for her, not even him, and despite Ryan wanting to be, it wasn’t ever going to happen. He swallowed the sudden burst of anger before he choked on it. “I guess not,” he lied.
“Ryan?”
“Mmm?”
“All my friends are starting to date, but I … I’m not sure if I’m ready for that um … stuff yet. I can’t bring myself to care too much about it.” She looked sideways at him, her cheeks flushing. “Does that make me weird?”
“No,” he replied quickly, his fists unclenching at her words.
Why was she telling him? He was the last person she should be talking to about this stuff. Ryan wasn’t a virgin. Neither was Jake. They both had their fair share of girls chasing them. Sex was good, but for him it was never more than that. Ryan could let himself go physically, but emotionally he was never in the moment. Knowing that Fin would be subjected to guys that felt the same way made his blood run cold.
He plucked at the same blades of grass and tossed them at her. She looked up from beneath her long, pretty lashes, firing a grin his way that tripped his heart.
“What do you care about?” he asked.
She tossed some blades of grass back his way, chuckling softly as he brushed it out of his hair, bits of green falling in his lap. “Promise not to laugh?”
He crossed his heart silently and waited.
“I want to be a scientist.”
Ryan’s chest expanded with pride. Fin was so smart. She could do anything she wanted. “Why would I laugh at that?”
“Because my best friend Rachael did.” She bit down on her lip but they twitched a little. “She thinks I’m so clumsy I’ll blow up a lab or something.”
He laughed then. Fin was clumsy. Crashing her way around a lab was highly possible.
Fin punched his shoulder.
“Ouch.” He winced, pretending it hurt, and rubbed his shoulder. “What sort of scientist anyway?”
“Environmental or marine. I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll study both.”
Ryan grinned. “You’re a nerd.”
An utterly beautiful, adorable, clumsy nerd.
She straightened her shoulders and returned his grin. “I am a nerd and proud of it, so there.”
“Fin.”
“What?”
Ryan shook his head, swallowing the lump rising in his throat. He was so close to kissing that grin off her lips he couldn’t stand it. “Nothing.”
Fin fell back on the grass, her hair fanning out around her. Her eyes on the stars, she asked, “What about you, Ryan?”
“What about me?” he quipped.
“What do you care about?”
Ryan stretched out beside her and found his hand reaching for hers; it was so tiny and smooth in his. The warmth of it sent flutters through his stomach. He squeezed her hand, fighting the sensation.
“Being in the Army. Being a soldier.”
You.
“That’s it?”
“Yep. That’s it.”
“I already know that. Tell me something new.”
Ryan glanced across at her, finding her eyes on him. “There is nothing new. I want to get out, Fin. I need to. I can’t live at that place for much longer. I’m tired of the fighting and the yelling, the alcohol and the …”
“He hits you.”
Ryan closed his eyes, hating that she knew—hoping she didn’t see him as someone weak and helpless for putting up with it. He would never tell her why his family fell apart and why his father turned into such a lousy drunk. He couldn’t stand her knowing and looking at him differently.
“I want to be SAS,” he replied eventually, deliberately ignoring her statement. “The best there is. There are countries full of people unable to fight for themselves. I want to be there to do it for them in the only way that can make a difference.”
Rolling to her side, she cupped his cheek with her hand. “Ryan,” she whispered. His heart pounded as her eyes searched his face. Unable to summon any restraint, he turned his head and pressed a soft kiss against her palm, feeling her shiver at the intimate touch.
After a beat of silence, his eyes lost in hers, Ryan came to his senses and pulled back.
“I better get back inside,” he stammered, and scrambling to his feet, left her sitting there by herself.
After that he was careful about being alone with her, but then Fin turned seventeen and she got her first date. Jake and Ryan were nineteen by then and rarely home on a weekend, but they were both home that Saturday night to see Ian come collect her. The guy had been in the year below them at school. He was tall and outgoing, with broad shoulders and a wide chest from playing rugby. From what Ryan knew of him, he was actually a nice guy, but that didn’t stop the urge Ryan felt to pound him into the ground.
That one date turned into another, and another, until Ian was over at the Tanners’ almost as much as he was. Ryan felt sick seeing Ian kiss her, wrap his arms around her waist, make her smile like he used to do. It was Ian causing a flush to fill her cheeks in a way that was no longer awkward, but charming and sexy.
Ryan wanted to punch him. Hard. Over and over. That was how he knew it was time to leave.
Two weeks later, he packed his belongings and stole his way into Fin’s room. She wasn’t there, so he stretched out on her bed, hands tucked behind his head, eyes trained on the ceiling, and waited.
It was midnight when she came through the door, giggling as she read a message on her phone. Finished, she tossed it on her bedside table and froze when she caught him lying there in the dark.
He heard her breath catch. “Ryan?”
The lamp by her bed switched on, coating the room in a warm, cozy glow. Fin was illuminated, her skin golden in the soft light, her cheeks flushed with happiness.
“What are you …” She trailed off after meeting his eyes. He knew what she saw. He couldn’t hold any of it back—regret, heartache, and loss for something that had never been his.
“You’re leaving,” she choked out.
Ryan couldn’t speak. He watched her stride to the open window, its sheer white curtains billowing. Staring out into the night, she wiped away tears that spilled over and ran down her cheeks.
He blinked, his own eyes burning. “I’m sorry,” he said eventually.
Fin turned and walked across the room. Sinking to the edge of the bed, she stared down at her hands. “When?”
Ryan unlocked his hands from behind his head and reached for her, pulling her down beside him. She stretched out, tucking her head under his chin. Closing his eyes, he breathed her in, allowing his arms to wrap around her. “In the morning.”
Fin’s hand fisted in his shirt as she let out a sob.
“I have to do this,” he whispered hoarsely. He trailed his fingers through her hair and touched his lips to her forehead.
She started to wipe away the tears on her face, and Ryan took hold of her hand, stilling her. “You understand, don’t you, Fin, why I have to do this?”
Ryan needed to know that she understood he wasn’t leaving her, he was leaving his past, and trying to build a new future with the Army.
“I do.” She choked again and buried her face in his neck, sobs breaking free.
“Don’t,” he whispered thickly. “Please don’t cry. You have such a big future ahead of you. You’re going to do big things with your life. Don’t let anyone stop you from being who you
need to be, okay?”
Fin nodded into his neck.
Ryan pushed back so he could look her in the eye. He wouldn’t be there to watch over her anymore, so he needed to know she would look out for herself. “Promise me, Fin.”
“I promise.”
Satisfied, he reached out and switched off the lamp. Thrust into sudden darkness, Ryan laced his fingers in hers and held her close. When her tears dried up, she drifted off into a deep slumber. In the early hours of the morning, he pressed a soft kiss to her cheek, and disentangling himself, he left the room. Having already said his goodbyes to Mike and Julie earlier in the evening, Ryan clicked the door shut softly behind him and left the house, careful not to look back.
That was the last he saw of Finlay Tanner.
A month later Jake joined him on the other side of the country. After three years of hard work in the Army, they went through the SAS selection. Ryan found himself thriving under the mental and physical challenge. Sometimes a mere five percent made it through the three weeks. The Regiment had standards—high ones. Ones that wouldn’t be compromised no matter how low their numbers got.
Nine months before the selection course, the screening process began. Jake and Ryan trained for months—lifting weights, donning packs that weighed into the tens of kilos, and running miles over mountainous rocky terrain. Together they built endurance, mental strength, and a powerful physique, making them a formidable team.
Nearing the end of selection, Ryan was exhausted and almost sure he wasn’t going to survive it. He could see his dream slipping through his fingers, and he was so utterly beaten down, he almost couldn’t give a shit.
Then Jake came up beside him, his eyes lighting up in a wide grin, and said, “Don’t let this shit beat you, Kendall. Dig deep and show these cunts how it’s done.”
So he did, and after losing a massive ten kilograms over the three weeks, they made it through together.
After extensive training operations, their first deployment into Afghanistan arrived. Ryan didn’t sleep once during the entire trip over. Blood fired in his veins, and his heart beat so hard and so fast he thought it would thump out of his chest.