Despite Ryan being dressed casually in a fitted white shirt and navy blue cargo pants, his stance was imposing and powerful. His biceps were heavily muscled with thick veins, and tattoos ran the entire length of his right arm. The entrance hall was crowded by the bulk of his wide shoulders.
She drew a burning breath into her lungs.
“I missed you, Ryan,” she said thickly.
Those hard, dark eyes of his softened, reminding her of who he used to be. “I missed you too.”
“It’s been six years.”
Ryan nodded again, staring at her, and replied softly, “I know.”
A beat of time passed, and then another, until Jake called out from the kitchen. “Fin, are you going to bring that food in here or do I have to serve up Crookshanks for dinner? I’m starving.”
Flustered, Fin picked up her bags. “Hungry?”
He smiled slowly. “Always.”
Ryan followed her into the kitchen and took hold of the beer Jake held out to him. “Thanks.”
She picked up her wine and leaned against the counter as Jake pulled out plates. Ryan stepped into the room and suddenly the quaint cottage kitchen felt tiny.
“So … Tell me about Afghanistan?” she asked. Jake wasn’t able to tell her much during their Skype chats, and she wanted to know everything. She needed the distraction because her fingers were aching to touch Ryan, wanting to make sure he was real and not an illusion.
“It’s hot,” Jake replied.
“And dusty,” Ryan added.
“The bunks on base are small,” Jake told her as he carried their dinner to the table.
“Jake’s learning to play the guitar.”
Fin raised her brows at Jake as they all sat down at the dining table. “Really?”
Jake grinned. “Yep.”
Ryan looked at her across the table. “And it’s killing us. Your cat could play better than he does.”
Jake leaned over the table and punched Ryan in the arm with a laugh. “Ryan’s lazy,” Jake told her as they started eating. “He falls asleep during all our training exercises.”
Ryan, taking a sip of his beer, almost spat it out. “Fuck off. That was you!” Ryan looked at Fin, laughter in his eyes. “One morning Jake was sleeping like the dead and missed training. He was sleeping on a camp bed so we carried him out to the mess hall. Eventually he woke up, looking around at everyone eating breakfast and watching him snore like a freight train.”
“I woke to a standing ovation,” Jake boasted.
“And baked beans down your pants.”
Fin burst out laughing, and as they one upped each other with stories through dinner, her laughter almost turned to tears. How had she ever managed without them?
“So, what’s going on with you?” Ryan asked as they stood washing and drying dishes at the sink.
Jake, reclining on the couch with his feet on the coffee table, called out, “Fin’s a caped climate change crusader now, aren’t you, Fin?” He pointed the remote at the television and began channel flicking.
“I work at the Department of Environment and Conservation now,” she told him and her lips twitched, “but I save my Supergirl suit for special occasions.”
Ryan chuckled. “You’ve been there for over two years now?”
Her mouth fell open. “You know?”
“I know.”
Of course he knew. Jake never tired of talking about her, and Ryan never tired of hearing it. He heard every detail of her life from Jake, and it obviously hadn’t been enough because here he was.
Fin hung the tea towel over the rack on the oven door. “So I guess you know I’m headed for Antarctica in two weeks?”
Ryan should have felt relieved. Two weeks with Fin was going to be hard enough knowing he had to keep his distance, but he was worried about her being in Antarctica. What if she got caught in a snow storm, or fell down a deep crevice? Shit. He was acting like an irrational twat. Ryan gave himself a mental shake and forced a grin. “I always said you were going to do big things with your life.”
“You did,” she agreed.
Ryan took hold of her hand and pulled her a little closer. She looked up at him and his heart hammered in his chest when her green eyes fixed on his. “I’m proud of you, you know.”
Fin licked her lips. “You are?”
His eyes fell to her mouth and all the blood in his body began heading in one, single-minded direction. He cursed under his breath. Two weeks of this? What had he been thinking?
Ryan let go and stepped back. Clearing his throat, he said, “I think I’ll head to bed.”
“You don’t want a coffee or anything first?”
“No. I’m good, thanks.”
He turned to leave.
“Ryan, wait!”
He paused.
“I need to make up the bed in the guest room for you.”
“No,” he said firmly. “I can do it. Jake showed me where the sheets are.”
“Yes, but there’s a whole bunch of different sizes in there,” she pointed out. “It won’t take a minute.”
He backed up. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Do mine too, Fin!” Jake called out.
“Do your own,” she retorted as she left the kitchen for the laundry at the back of the house.
“Why does Ryan get his done and I don’t?”
She came back out under a pile of sheets, quilts, and pillows. “Because Ryan is a guest.”
“Ryan isn’t a guest, he’s family.” Jake turned on the couch and looked over his shoulder. “Right, Kendall?”
Ryan looked at the man that was his brother in every sense of the word but blood. “Right.”
With the linens piled high, Fin walked blindly into the guest room and cracked her shin hard on the timber bed frame.
“Ouch,” she yelped, her stomach pitching from the sharp burst of pain.
Ryan yanked the sheets from her arms. She watched them sail across the room and land on the bed. Pillows flew everywhere. She looked at Ryan.
He was frowning. “Are you okay?”
She gritted her teeth, waiting for the twinge to pass. “Fine.”
Taking hold of her shoulders, Ryan directed her towards the bed. “Sit,” he ordered.
Reminded of how she’d taped his split brow, she sat. “Doctor Kendall, I presume?”
He chuckled. Crouching down, he gripped the smooth skin of her calf in his hands, lifting it up to rest on his knee for a closer inspection.
She sucked in a breath.
“Hurts?”
Yes. Your touch is warm and your palms are rough, and it hurts to have you so close when you don’t want me.
“A little.”
Ryan trailed his fingertips over the red, burgeoning lump on her shin until it felt like an intimate caress.
She shivered and he looked up at her, heat blazing from his eyes. “Fin,” he said hoarsely.
“Mmm?”
He stared at her for moment. His lips curved into a smile, and the hard edges on his face softened, making him almost beautiful. “I think you’ll live.”
She tried to remain casual, but his hand was still caressing her leg. “You have a very capable bedside manner, Doctor Kendall.”
“Fin? What the hell is going on here?”
Ryan snatched his hands away hastily, the smile sliding from his face as they both turned towards the door. He stood as Ian stalked into the room.
Fin cleared her throat, her stomach sinking because she realised she forgot to ring Ian. “Ian. You remember Ryan, don’t you?”
Ryan held out his hand.
Ian looked at it, then at Ryan.
Fin gritted her teeth at the tension in the air.
“I do,” he eventually said, his voice flat and unhappy as he shook Ryan’s hand. Letting go, he added, “I didn’t know you and Jake were home.”
Ian turned to Fin expectantly.
“Jake and Ryan just got—”
“Fin,” he cut her off. “C
an we talk?”
Fin stood up, glancing at the unmade bed. “Sure, uh …”
“I can do this, Fin,” Ryan said and nodded at the door. “You go.”
“If you can’t find anything, Ryan, just let me know,” she told him before following Ian out the door.
Walking into her bedroom, he shut the door behind them and folded his arms. “You didn’t ring.”
“I’m sorry. I meant to, but Jake’s return was an unexpected surprise.” Her eyes filled. “I haven’t seen him for two years, Ian. I … we got caught up talking. I missed him so much.”
Ian unfolded his arms and walked towards Fin until he was in her space. His hand came up and cupped her cheek. “Okay. I get that, I do, but … I feel like you’re not invested in us. You’re about to leave for another six months and I don’t want you to go.”
Ian leaned in and touched his lips softly to hers.
“Ian,” she whispered. “This is important to me.”
“You’re important to me.”
Her voice rose a little. “So what I want doesn’t count?”
Ian dropped his hand. “It’s a job, Fin. I’m tired of coming second best to everything else in your life. Christ, even Ryan …”
“Ryan what?”
“Nothing,” he ground out. Ian walked around her and sat on the bed, rubbing at the back of his neck wearily. Fin walked towards him and he reached out and took hold of her hips. Pulling her in, he pressed a kiss against her belly. “Should I stay?”
Fin looked down at him, trailing a hand through his choppy blond hair. “Don’t you have work in the morning?”
Ian’s jaw tightened. “I don’t care about work.”
Fin took a step back. “Okay. I’ll just go check in with Jake and come back. Can I get you anything?”
Ian was already peeling off his shirt, exposing the wide, tanned chest he worked hard at keeping in shape for his job. “Just you.”
Fin paused at the door, looking back over her shoulder. “Be back in a minute.”
Walking down the hall, she saw Ryan’s door was shut. She closed her eyes for a moment, but all she could see was him lying in that bed. She wanted to walk in there, peel off all her clothes, and have him sink himself inside her until she couldn’t breathe from it.
Damn you, Ryan. Why did you have to come back now?
Remembering Ian was waiting, she continued down the hall, rubbing her forehead as her emotions twisted into painful knots.
Reaching the back deck, she found Jake reclining on a cushioned deck chair, coffee in hand as he stared at the stars.
She sighed, sitting down beside him, and picked up the hot tea he’d made her.
“How does it feel being home?”
“It’s hard,” he admitted.
Fin frowned. “Hard?”
“Hard to adjust to normal life,” he expanded. “What we’ve seen and done is so far beyond normal that it’s like being home isn’t my life anymore.”
“What have you seen?”
Jake exhaled loudly. “Children—so many of them—hungry, missing limbs, dirty, and begging in the village streets. We’ve trekked through mountains for days on end and miles of dust. We’ve watched people die.” He looked at her. “I’ve killed people, Fin,” he told her thickly, “and then you come home and everyone is going about their everyday lives—shopping and working, being impatient or unkind, and I want to shout at them all to wake up and see how lucky they are.”
Blinded by tears, Fin reached out and took his hand. “I love you, Jake.”
He squeezed it. “Love you too, Fin.”
“Tell me something good.”
So he did, his voice deep and soothing. Her eyelids felt heavy and over an hour later Jake was nudging her awake.
“Shit,” she muttered.
“What?” Jake asked as they shuffled tiredly towards to their respective rooms.
“Nothing.”
“Is it Ian?” They paused outside her bedroom door. “What’s going on with the two of you?” he asked quietly.
Fin rubbed her brow. “I don’t know what’s going on.”
“Do I need to punch him?”
“No!”
Jake wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her towards him, planting a kiss on her forehead. “Just say the word.”
He drew back and she arched a brow at him. “Violence isn’t the answer.”
Jake frowned, pressing his lips together for a moment. “Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets through.”
Ryan swung his legs over the bed in the early morning and planted his feet on the floor. Sliding on shorts, a loose sleeveless shirt, and his running shoes, he yawned, scratching the back of his head as he made his way to the kitchen.
Jake was already there filling a bottle of water. “Made it out of bed, huh?”
A noise came from behind them before he could reply. They both turned. Ian was there in uniform, gun belt slung around his waist.
Fuck. How could he have forgotten about Ian? Ryan wondered if he was still a nice guy because that urge to pound him into the ground hadn’t dulled. In fact, the way Ian spoke to Fin in his room last night had Ryan grinding his teeth in irritation.
Jake, usually outgoing with a smile for anyone, gave him a short nod and said coolly, “Ian.”
Ian patted his pockets before spying his keys on the breakfast table. “Morning guys,” he replied, picking them up and jingling them in his hands. “Good to see you back.”
Jake screwed the cap back on his drink. “Good to be back.”
Ian nodded over his shoulder towards the front door. “Gotta get to work. Might see you guys tonight? Fin mentioned something about a family dinner.”
After the door shut behind Ian, Jake looked at Ryan, his expression flat.
“Nice guy,” Ryan commented, thinking anything but.
“You think so too, huh?” Jake replied.
Later that morning after their workout and shower, Jake fell asleep on the couch. Feeling at a loss with nothing but time on his hands, Ryan wandered down the hall towards Fin’s room. She was sitting at a little study nook in the corner, laptop open with one foot resting on her chair. She was wearing a tank top and a little pair of shorts. Leaning up against the doorframe, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from those long, delectable legs.
As though sensing his presence, she turned in her chair. He forced his eyes upwards, catching a sexy flush fill her cheeks at his blatant perusal.
“Morning, Ryan.” She took off her black framed reading glasses and tossed them on the desk.
“Morning, Fin,” he replied.
Against his better judgement, Ryan pushed away from the door and walked farther into the room. Fin hadn’t changed at all and neither had his desire for her. His heart kicked over when she met his eyes. He knew everything he was feeling right now was written all over him, but he couldn’t seem to shut it off.
Her eyelids fluttered closed and she whispered, “Why now?”
Ryan took a deep breath. “I don’t know,” he replied honestly.
He shouldn’t still be feeling this way after so many years. Why was he doing this to her, and to himself? It was better for everyone if he stayed away like he was supposed to.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I’ll go stay at the barracks.” He turned to leave.
“Ryan!” she called out. Scrambling out of the chair, she grabbed his arm as he was halfway out the door.
“Fin,” he warned, looking down at her hand pointedly.
She took a step closer and he breathed her in, her scent like jasmine on a hot summer’s day. He was surprised when he looked into her eyes and saw anger burning hotly in their depths.
“Six years, Ryan. Do you know how hurt I was, each day passing by and getting nothing—not even a note or an email? I didn’t just lose you. I lost my brother too. Both of you left me, and I was okay with that. I understood that this was what you needed to do, so I moved on. I built a life that doesn?
??t include you. That was what I had to do.” She paused and raised a shaky hand to cup his cheek. “I’d have given you my entire heart if you’d only asked, but it’s not yours now. It’s not yours.”
Ryan closed his eyes, agony for losing what was never his rose in his chest until he felt strangled by it. He placed his hand over hers, holding it there until she tugged it away.
“You’re right,” Fin told him. “You should stay on the barracks … but I don’t want you to. Damn you, Ryan,” she whispered fiercely. “I don’t want you to.”
Ryan used his bulk to crowd her against the wall until there was no room for her to move. Leaning one hand against the wall, he grabbed her hip with the other. Her breathing rose rapidly and he leaned in, ducking his head until their mouths hovered a mere breath apart.
“Why can’t I force myself to leave?” He rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “I hurt too. For six years I fought every day not to think of you, and I lost, because every day you were all I could see. You were the best thing in my life—so sweet and innocent, and so goddamn tempting.” His hand strayed from her hip and slid down to grip her ass. He swallowed the groan. “I stayed away so you could move on.”
Fin reached up and planted both hands on his chest, shoving him away. Ryan took a step back, his hands falling to his sides.
“So let me. Nothing’s changed for us. I’m leaving in two weeks, you’re going back to Afghanistan, and Ian …”
His jaw clenched but he nodded, angry at himself for thinking that staying here had ever been a good idea. “Christ, Fin. I fucked up by coming here, didn’t I?”
Tears filled her eyes. “Just … don’t go, okay? Stay. Jake wouldn’t understand you moving to the barracks.”
“I’ll let you get back to your work,” Ryan muttered. “I’ll be back later for dinner.”
Later that night Fin dressed up a little—wearing her pretty, cream dress with the lace bodice and flirty skirt—because it was Jake and Ryan’s welcome home dinner. I’m not dressing up for Ryan, she told herself. Mum would expect everyone to make an effort, that’s all.