– I think you’ve misunderstood the memo Robbo, Toal says.
– Aye?
– This is an exploratory debriefing session. There’s no question of anyone being reprimanded or disciplined at this point.
– So what you’re saying is that this may be a precursor to disciplinary action?
– No . . . not necessarily. It’s an open-ended discussion.
– So it’s a counselling session then?
– Well . . . yes . . . but not a counselling session in the sense of it being related, or even potentially related at this point in time, to the disciplinary systems of the Edinburgh and Lothians Constabulary.
– But my attendance is compulsory?
– Everyone must attend.
– You’re asking me or telling me?
– Robbo, what I’m hoping from you and the rest of the team is your willing co-operation. If this isn’t forthcoming then I’ll be forced to introduce a disciplinary element.
– I see . . . I let the silence hang.
Eventually Toal says, – I don’t have time for this bullshit. I’ll see you in Jim Niddrie’s office at the appropriate time. Cancel everything else.
The line clicks dead. Now Toal’s hung up on me! Who the fuck does he think he is? Niddrie’s fuckin office-boy, that’s who. I shout into the mouthpiece, – I don’t have time for your fuckin bullshit Niddrie! We’ve got a fuckin murder case tae solve! I slam the phone down.
Gus Bain raises an eyebrow, – Whoa, Robbo, ye gied Niddrie it tight there, did ye no?
– The only way wi these cunts Gus, I said. That’s all they understand. I turn round and notice that Sonia, one of the civvy clerks, had come into the room. – Sorry aboot that Sonia hen, industrial language they call it.
– Sawright, she says. – It’s Hazel.
– Of course . . . of course . . . Hazel. Bet she takes it aw weys. Bit young for me but. Mind you, if they’re auld enough tae bleed . . .
– Ah’m sure Hazel’s heard worse, Gus gives that wheezing, creepy laugh of his, and she grins nervously.
– What ye could do for me Hazel, is to gie they people at the Forum a phone. I had a meeting with them tomorrow at two. Tell them I have to cancel out, but I’ll get back to them.
– Right. . . aw aye. . . there was a woman on the phone for you while you were out, she tells me.
– Whoah! Gus laughs, – Mister Popular.
Aye? Whae?
– She wouldnae leave a name or number. She sais you’d know who it was.
– Right . . .
That’s a bastard. Shit. Probably Carole crawling back. I’ll leave a message on the answer machine tonight.
Those cunts Toal and Niddrie have upset me big-time. Making me miss important fucking calls with their shite. I should have fuckin well stayed in Australia. Then where would the fuckers be now? If I hadn’t gone out there but stayed in London wi the Met, I’d’ve probably been Chief Constable in a fair-to-middling size force by now. I feel a bad itch in my arse. These boxer shorts ride up and brush against the scar tissue. My arse shouldn’t be fucking sweating as much. Stress, that’s what it is, as Rossi said, and it’s caused by these Personnel cunts who wouldnae ken what poliswork was if it was to suck their cocks or lick their fannies.
I decide to hit the canteen for lunch, well, pre-lunch, as it’s a bit early for dinner. Too late for a break and too early for lunch. Bruce Robertson time, I call this. Ina sorts me out with some bacon rolls and I hear smarmy voices behind me which belong to some cunts in suits and one of them is that lippy fucker Conrad Donaldson Q.C. who spends his time coining it in from the taxpayer by defending the kind of fucking scum that we risk our lives to try and put away: rapists, murderers, child molesters and what have you.
– Practising cannibalism Bruce? he nods at the plate and smiles.
I’m looking coolly at the cunt. I’d love to have him. Just him and me, just twenty minutes in an interview room the gether.
– Hello Conrad, I force a smile back.
I want to punch his face and deck him and them stomp that smirking posh face into the ground under the heel of my boot and keep doing it until his skull explodes over the lino, sending its fucked criminal-loving contents squidging across that tiled canteen floor. I’d eat my dinner after and keep it down as well, I kid you not. – Remember what I told you that PIG stood for? Pride, Integrity and Guts.
He smiles and turns to his pals. – Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson. One of the force’s leading reactionaries. Comes from a mining family as well, I hear.
– You hear wrong, I say softly, looking him hard in the eye. – You must be getting me mixed up with someone else.
– Hmm, Donaldson mumbles, raising his eyebrows.
My knuckles are white on the tray as I depart. I hear Donaldson muttering a consensual goodbye, through a ringing in my ears. I feel sick and dizzy. I sit in a corner and devour the rolls, ripping and rending the stringy meat in my sharp teeth, wishing that it was Donaldson’s scrawny neck. New Labour rising star Conrad Donaldson.
By the time I get back upstairs I’ve composed myself, but whenever I think of Donaldson and his ilk, a savage rage crashes inside my chest. At one point it gets so bad that I’m shaking and my teeth are hammering again. I need a drink so I knock off early and hit the bar at the social club downstairs. Just feeling the thick carpet under my feet composes me. It makes a change from the other rooms in the building with their thin, harsh, cheap Berber flooring. The bar itself is a lot more basic than it used to be. When it opened it was full of good bric-à-brac, antique vases and the like, but these kept going missing so they changed to a more functional decor. A couple of baby polis are playing pool, but I see Bob Hurley at the bar. – I arrived just in time I see, I smile at him.
– Alright Robbo, he turns to the barman, – Another pint of lager Les, and you’d better set up a wee Grouse as well.
– Make that a large Grouse Les, seein as this English cunt’s on the bell. I wink at the barman. Hurley’s face briefly whitens a wee bit. The race card is just one of the cards in the pack and if you’re serious about this game you utilise that full pack as and when you need to. That wee aside is just to remind Hurley of his status as a barely tolerated guest, not just in this country, but in this life.
Hurley and I sit down in a corner and a few rounds later on we’re still there. Toal, of all people, has just come in, but I’m ignoring that arsehole. He sits in the next booth to us, reading the Evening News. Fuck him, the sad, nae mates cunt. Only tries to socialise with the boys when he wants something. It’s Hurley I’m more interested in.
He’s still melancholy about the split with his wife. – What fucked it up with me and Chrissie was her family. You know what it’s like being a polis, he sings in that Tony Newley voice that makes the word ‘polis’ sound so funny.
What’s he on about: ‘a’ polis? Daft cunt.
– You tell them all, her friends, family, the neighbours what you do for a living and you get treated like a leper. They sit in the house, her pals and their spouses and they say nothing, it’s like they’re in an interrogation room. The conversation’s full of awkward silences and they can’t wait to make their excuses and go. Then they always put off coming round again. You get treated fucking . . . he gasps, seemingly in pain, his breath catching, – like a fucking leper, he repeats, – . . . that’s what you feel like Bruce, a fucking leper.
– Yeah.
Hurley pulls a bit of wax from his ear and rubs it on the underside of the seat. – So I went through a phase of telling them that I was a plumber or that I sold insurance. Then they start telling you everything about themselves. It’s like, ‘I do this on the side’ or ‘I don’t put that through the books’. They’re all at it. Every one of them, he says, raising his voice in rage, – fucking Jackie Trent. The lot of them, they’re all fucking Jackie Trent.
I clock Toal getting up and leaving, the nosey, eavesdropping cunt.
– Exactly. And you are a law en
forcement officer, I tell him.
– Right, and that’s what she can’t bleedin well understand. When you do what you have to do as a law enforcement officer, when you blow the whistle on these bastards, she turns round and says, ‘It’s my family. I’m leaving.’
– That’s women for you, I tell him, swigging back my whisky. If you drink whisky you’ll never get worms.
She isn’t much of a fuck that Chrissie. Quite into the video camera but went a bit funny on me when I brought out the vibrator. Had tae go aw lovey-dovey oan the daft cow to stop her becoming hysterical.
– I just find it hard to switch off sometimes. The thing about being a polis is that you get used to seeing things in a certain way: looking for things that are going wrong. It’s the way you are; how some people behave, it makes you so suspicious. I just can’t stop running routine checks on them. That’s what wound her up, the questions I would ask her family. I didn’t even realise that I was probing. I couldn’t switch out of role. You can’t be any other way Robbo, that’s what you do.
– Take it or leave it, eh mate, I smile. I’ll be taking your missus again, that’s for sure you stupid cunt.
– Aye, he says, Tony Newley style, – so she left it. It’s over. For good this time.
– Force marriage though pal. May the force be with you, cause sure as fuck the fanny willnae stick aroond.
– You’re lucky though Robbo, he says, almost accusingly.
– Aw aye, me and Carole. Well, she’s a wee bit special. No doubt about that. Steak on the menu tonight!
– She can cook as well! Hurley says, – Is there no end to this woman’s talents?
The fuckin lecherous cunt’s wantin me tae tell him aboot Carole and I’s sex life. Nae wonder his wife’s gittin fucked by everybody in sight. Aw mooth n nae troosers that prick. – It’s a question of values, I say, draining the whisky glass.
Gus Bain comes in and we have a scoop. I’m trying tae watch myself but Gus likes a good jag when he’s clocked off. Hurley fucks off back to his miserable life. Hurley isn’t liked much on the force. I don’t know why; there’s just something about the cunt that makes you fuckin detest him and savour everything bad that happens to him, of which there is lots, I kid you not. You learn to sniff out a loser in this game. The worst kind of losers are the ones who think that they are winners and have to be reminded of the facts. Like a certain young gentleman by the name of Raymond Lennox, for instance.
– Young Ray Lennox didnae have much tae say for himself oan the course, I tell Gus.
– Aye, still waters, Gus smiles with a bit of affection.
– Listen Gus, I say, dropping my voice, – dinnae take this the wrong way, but watch what ye say in front ay Ray. I’m no saying nowt against the guy. In fact I lap him up. But watch what ye say aroond him.
– What dae ye mean Robbo? Gus looks alarmed.
– What I mean is that he’s typical ay they young cunts. He’d drop ye in it in a minute if it suited him. Ye ken the wey it is Gus, five minutes oan the force and they want tae be the Chief Fuckin Constable. Thinks eh kens it aw. The thing is, they young cunts are totally ruthless and they certainly arenae above a bit ay backstabbin and character assassination tae git oan.
– Surely no Ray . . . seems such a nice young felly . . . Gus says bewildered. I sense doubt through his antagonism. Time to hit hard.
– Listen Gus, whaire’s Ray Lennox the now? Ehs no in here drinkin wi us, is eh? Naw. I’ll wager three tae one, naw, make that four tae one on, that he’ll be drinkin wi they silly wee lassies in some fuckin wine bar up the toon, just like eh wis eftir that fuckin course . . .
– But that’s up tae thaim . . . thir young and they dinnae want tae be doon here wi the likes ay us . . .
– . . . Yes Gus, fair do’s and good luck tae the boy. I hope he rides them both, I hope they make a fuckin sandwich oot ay him, one slice white, one slice yellay n young Lennox in the fuckin middle.
– Yir an awfay man Bruce, Gus chuckles.
– But the thing is, who dae ye think’ll be the main topic ay conversation during this touching little tête-a-tête? You and I. The silly cunts who make the snowballs and also fling them.
– Hmmm, Gus says thoughtfully, – ah ken what yir gittin at. Ye think our Young Mister Lennox is running with the hounds and hunting with the hares?
– He’s hunting the fuckin hounds, as far as I can see, as long as he’s no fuckin well running off at the mooth as he tends tae dae.
– I’ll keep a beady on that wee cunt, Gus nods, touching his eyeball.
Thank fuck it’s Lodge night the night. We down our drinks and head out to Stockbridge. The roads are slippy as the surface has frozen over. We see a lumbering taxi trying to turn slowly down a sidestreet but sliding on the ice and scraping its bodywork against a lamp post. As it comes to rest the irate spastic of a driver springs out and inspects the damage. – Jesus fuck . . . he snaps, then truculently yanks open the door of his taxi.
I nod to Gus. The cunts inside are getting out. This one’ll do us up tae Shrubhill.
A lassie’s getting out of the taxi. Quite a young lassie. Or she’s trying to get out of the taxi. The torn-faced cunt of a taxi driver is not helping her, he’s just holding the door and impatiently asking her if she’s alright. The lassie has one of her legs in a plaster and she’s attempting to get up and at the same time position the crutches on that treacherous icy surface.
It’s just like . . . fuckin hell . . .
I move over swiftly and I’ve got a hold of her. – Can you manage? Here, let me . . .
– Thanks . . .
I’m helping her to her feet and Gus has got the crutches positioned and we get her on to the pavement. The scent of her perfume is filling my nostrils. I’m up against her and I can feel her soft warmth. I could just hold her like this, forever.
God, I remember . . . it was so long ago . . .
Then it happens; a stiffening inside my flannels and y’s and I have to adopt the old bent-double last-dance-at-the-disco posture to conceal it.
– Are you going far . . . the pavement’s very slippy.
– Naw, I’m just in that stair there, she points over to the stair door.
– I’ll give you a hand over, I smile, taking her arm.
– Thanks very much . . . that’s very kind of you, she says as we reach her door.
– No problem. Can you manage up the stairs? I want her to say no, come up with me, come up and have some coffee, leave auld muppet-faced Gus to his silly masonic shite, come up with me and hold me in your arms like you used to . . .
. . . but it’s not. Those were different times.
– I’m fine now, honest. Thanks again, she smiles.
– Alright then . . .
It isn’t her. It could never be. But I wished with all my heart that it was.
Ha!
Bullshit! I wished with all my heart I could get another pint!
– C’moan Gus, time for the lodge. I’m fed up wi helping spastics on duty withoot daein it in social hours n aw. I pile into the taxi.
– Ye awright Bruce? Ye seem upset, Gus says, looking straight at me, as he gets in.
– I will be awright once I get to where we’re meant tae be going. I shout at the driver, – The Edinburgh Masonic Club, at Shrubhill, driver. Next to the bus depot.
We cruise through the frozen streets in silence.
Coarse Briefings
Up the club, the lads are all raring to go as it’s a big induction night. The would-be new recruits look nervous, as they well might. There’s a couple of baby polis to be done, as well as some other young cunts; I don’t know where they come from.
I’m already feeling a wee bit pished as I’ve eaten nothing, so I decide to hold back a bit until all the boring stuff is over, then I’ll get myself charged up for our little specialist club’s activities.
fuckin throbbing. It was one fuckin mad session up the masonic last night, especially with Bladesey, the daft wee cunt
. He’ll be as embarrassed as fuck this morning. My guts are greasy and the spice content of my burps and my heartburn is telling me that a strong curry got into the mix some way along the line.
I shuffle some papers on my desk, examining the witness statements again. They all saw fuck all of course. Sylvia Freeman and Estelle Davidson. The two rides we’ve interviewed in connection with the topped nigger. They were in the club that night awright. Must be game if they were there on a midweek evening. It’s fuckin annoying but I cannae think what they looked like in detail, other than that they were rides. That’s the problem, when you think of a bird you fancy, it’s the clathes that come first, usually a dress or a top or something like that, when what you want is erse, tits, eyes, mooth, hair, etcetera. I mean, you arenae gaunny go intae Chelsea Girl or Next or River Island and have a wank over a load ay tops or pairs ay troosers or skirts hingin oan a rack, are you? No unless you’re some sad cunt like my wee mate Bladesey. Anyway, I’ll pull in these wee slags for some of the special Bruce Robertson interrogation. If ayy nighteengaahhle could seeng like yooo
Bored shitless here.
I shuffle the papers for a bit longer but the images of Sylvia and Estelle don’t form in my head so I bell Bladesey at his work.
– Extension four-zero-one-seven, Cliff Blades speaking. How can I help you?
– You can stop talking in that poofy English accent for a start.
– Oh, hello Bruce. How are you?
– Right as rain Bladesey boy, I reply, as a wave of nausea crashes through my body and my hand starts to shake uncontrollably on the receiver. I want to go home. I want my bed. – It takes a wee bitty mair than a few wee nippy sweeties tae knock old Bruce Robertson out of his stride. I kid you not, my sweet, sweet friend.
– I must confess, I’m actually feeling rather rough. Came within an ace of phoning in sick. Actually I would have done as well if Bunty hadn’t been at home today. I think I’d rather be at work than face her in this condition.
– What about the night, you and me, straight back on the pish! No surrender to the IRA!