He was finished with being a judge too. That pesky criminal record and all…
After he signed, I placed the documents in my briefcase and walked right on out the fucking door without looking back. There was more that I could have said to him, but I decided that I didn't need to. I would never speak to him again if I could help it. Maybe I'd get my wish, maybe not. As far as I was concerned my father died the moment he put his hands on my Winter and hurt her so badly she had to run away.
Two weeks later.
I started sending pictures to her phone. Pictures of good things that would show her there was happiness all around because of her good work. One was a picture of the two ponies now living in the barn at the Sherborn house. Shane and Brenna helped me choose them, naming them George and Martha after characters from a book they liked. Another was a video of my mother leading Brenna around the ring on Martha for her first riding lesson. My mom had been quite the equestrian in her younger years, and now that she was finally free from the devastating grip of my father's control she was coming back to life again. She wanted to start an equine therapy program at Sherborn for children and adults with special needs who could benefit from the unique healing treatment of connecting with horses.
I sent a picture of Alanna with the kids holding a handmade sign that read: WE LOVE MS. WINTER AND WE MISS HER VERY MUCH!!! I never knew if she received the pictures because she might have changed her number. So, I sent them to both of her emails just in case.
At night I slept on sheets I refused to wash because I couldn't bear to lose the scent of her. I wrote her many letters on paper with a pen. I didn't know how to get them to her but I still needed to write out the words for myself anyway.
And then, Caleb came to see me and told me where she was.
"She's in L.A. with Wyatt. She said she needed to be far away from everything that would remind her of sad things and of the people she's hurt. I'm assuming that's mostly you, James."
"No. The only way she's hurting me is by being gone."
If I could see her—and she could see me—I knew I could make things right again. I knew what she needed. She needed me to love her and tell her to start living her life again. She needed that push to come from me. I knew it down to my very core.
"That's what I figured," he said evenly. "I was never here, brother. We did not have this conversation, okay?"
"Okay."
You'll never know what this means to me, Caleb.
"Now, getcha ass going and bring my sister back home where she belongs."
"Get the fuck outta my way so I can leave for the airport," I told him.
"I'd take you there myself but I was never here and we never had this conversation."
I bear-hugged him and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek.
The next day.
Malibu, California
I felt my starved heart start up beating again when I spotted her walking on the beach. She was a ways off in the distance and walking in the opposite direction, but I knew it was her. She had on black shorts and a blue long-sleeved shirt.
Those long legs carrying her down the beach, and that chestnut brown hair blowing in the Pacific breeze were unmistakable to my eyes. I knew what my woman looked like even from very far away.
I gave five bucks to a kid to deliver my letter into her hand once she sat down on the sand to watch the waves.
I knew what I'd written by heart and watched her when she read it.
* * *
WINTER
The hair on the back of my neck started tingling the moment I stepped onto the beach. I sensed that something was about to change but had no particular reason for why I should feel that way.
The familiar ache that had been with me for three long weeks was finally starting to lessen. But maybe that had to do more with the emails I'd seen last night along with the precious pictures and the video he'd sent. I'd almost called Alanna to get the details on the new ponies but lost my nerve at the last minute.
I'd stayed silent for so long.
I was terribly afraid he wouldn't want to hear me if I tried to reach out to him now.
James.
I'd hurt him and myself so badly. I hadn't wanted to hurt him, but I had, and the devastation of that knowledge had pretty much cut me off at the knees.
I didn't know how to begin.
I needed help taking my first step…just like the people I mentored at my job as a social worker.
"I'm supposed to give you this." A boy of about ten handed me an envelope marked simply 'Winter' before taking off down the beach whooping and waving a five-dollar bill.
I opened the envelope.
* * *
Dear Beautiful,
I need you. I won't stop telling you, or showing you how much I need you, either, until I'm dead. That's my promise to you, and I will keep it.
I know you are feeling guilt about the loss of our son but you are not alone in that. I have guilt too, because guilt is an emotion we all feel when we love. I love you, and I loved our son for the short time we had him. I will not lose either of those feelings for as long as I draw breath. If you want to continue to feel responsible for our loss, I can't take it away from you. It's yours to own. You have the free-will to feel as you do.
But so do I. And my free-will tells me that I can't live without you in my life. I need you. I need you to come home and love me. I need to be loved by you. I need you to start living your life again. Yes, you will feel sad when you remember, but going forward means you can take that sadness and use it for something good. I know you will find a way to make that happen. Everything you touch is good. I don't know another person with as much goodness in their heart as you have inside your generous and beautiful heart.
It's time for you to come home. There are people who love you who only want to feel your presence in their lives. And then there's me, who will not survive without you to love me. I know this. I can live without the rest if I have to, but not having your love…I cannot do.
We can get married today or next year…or never.
We can have more babies if you want to or we can have dogs or cats instead. (I would prefer dogs.)
We can adopt teenagers if you want—some real difficult little shits that'll joyride with my car and give me gray hair long before I should have it.
Point is, Beautiful, I'm not leaving this beach until you come over here to where I am waiting and tell me you love me, and that you want me to take you home.
Ever your kinky fucker,
James
* * *
I don't remember getting up from the sand, only that I was running and my legs were flying, taking me closer to my James. I didn't even choose a direction; I just went to…where he was.
And then he was in front of me standing in the sand, his god-like physique on full display for me to devour. Every line of his sculpted body, his hard-set jaw, the eyes that spoke more volumes of words than I could ever comprehend—my beautiful man was here for me. He'd come for me…to bring me back home.
With his strong arms open—waiting for me to come to him.
His arms were open for me when I fell into them.
Heaven.
Once I was against him I felt the most immense sense of peace envelop me. My whole universe clicked back into place and the incredibly painful tightness I'd borne within my chest for weeks began to dissolve. Just from being in his arms.
James healed me in an instant with only his touch.
"I love you, James Blakney, and I can't live without you either. I needed help taking my first step back to you, and back to my life in Boston. I needed help because I just wasn't able to to make that first step on my own without you."
And nobody had known it except for James. He knew. He knew how to help me best and he always would.
He tilted my chin up with the side of his finger, so commanding and tender at the same time. The only man capable of holding my heart. "What's the other thing you need to say to me, beautiful?" he
asked.
"Take me home and marry me."
"Are you proposing to me now?"
"Yes, because once you told me some rules. One of the rules was for me to be honest and to tell you what I needed. You said that if I told you, you would hear me. So I'm telling you now, James. I need you to take me home and marry me."
Epilogue
WINTER
Six months later.
Fripp Island, South Carolina
"How is he doing, Caleb?"
"Funny you should ask, because he wanted to know the same about you." My big brother gave me a kiss on the cheek carefully so as not to damage my makeup. "But first, I need to tell you what a beautiful bride you are, and how honored I am to walk you down the aisle today. I know Dad is watching over all of us and he sees you, Win. He's thrilled with your choice of a husband. Dad respected James very much, and I know Mom loves him too. You've done well, little sister."
"You'd better stop now or my makeup will be washed away and it took a really long time."
He took my hand in his and clasped it. "Got it. As to your question about your groom, well I can tell you he's still standing and able to answer yes or no questions…but that's about it. He's so ready to marry you." Caleb whistled and shook his head back and forth. "He told me he wouldn't be able to relax until he sees you walking down the aisle to him, and his isn't lying."
"He knows I'd run through fire to make my way down the aisle to him if I had to. He just likes to worry."
"I can't blame him for loving my little sister."
I thought I should change the subject to something a little lighter. "How is Lucas treating my man? Are the boys playing nice in the sandbox this evening?" I couldn't help asking, because James and Lucas still had spats from time to time even though they mostly kept the peace—or ignored each other.
Caleb chuckled, clearly finding the two of them and their contentious relationship amusing as hell. "I think they'll manage to keep the fisticuffs to a minimum since it's your wedding day."
"They'd better." I brushed at nonexistent speck of lint on Caleb's lapel and asked, "Has Mom even let Johnny out of her arms yet today?"
"Not really. She made sure he had an extra-long nap earlier, so he could be awake during your wedding because she's holding him in her lap front and center. He looks quite swank in his miniature tux. Silly for a two-month-old to be dressed up in formalwear, but hey, if it makes her happy." It was apparent to everyone in the family that Caleb and our mom were trying hard to have a relationship based on honesty. The birth of baby John William, affectionately called Johnny, was helping with that, because she was really into being a grandmother. She took one look at that baby on the day he was born and felt completely and totally in love with him. Nobody could deny what a very beautiful thing it was when a precious babe could bring people together in love.
James and I had chosen our wedding day rather strategically because right now was the time that our son was to have been born. We wanted to mark the occasion and the date with good and wonderful moments spent with friends and family, feeling this was the best way to honor his memory. One day I'd discovered that James went to St. Clement regularly to light a candle for him. If I'd been able to love my James any more than I already did, then it would have happened that day. We named him Jeremey after a beloved grandfather on his mom's side. My dress had two interlocking J's embroidered into the silk. Many might not even notice or understand the significance, but I did and that's all that mattered. Two J's for my two J-men.
On the night that James and I attended The Autumn Ball, he'd put in a bid at the silent auction, but he never told me what it was for. Well, he won that silent auction, and then he sat on it for a good long time before finally sharing with me. The prize was an exclusive destination wedding package to Fripp Island, South Carolina for all of our guests to enjoy. So, after our ceremony tonight, all of those who'd planned to, were extending their stay on the island to include a beach holiday afterward. James and I were honeymooning. Not sure what the rest of them were doing because we had some very private plans of our own.
In lieu of gifts, we'd announced that donations were welcome to either of the safehouses, The Sanctuary at Blackwater or Safehouse-Sherborn. I needed nothing more than to marry the man I'd loved for the past decade. The rest we would figure out together.
Willow poked her head in and told us it was time. She had all of the girls lined up and ready whenever we were, she said. My sister was a newlywed herself, having tied the knot with Roger barely two months ago. Only the identicals, as Caleb liked to call them, were left to fall to matrimony. I had a feeling Lucas might be next with a certain sister whose initials were VB. James and I didn't talk about them—like ever. Now, I would have loved to discuss exactly what was going on with my brother and his sister, being the nosey matchmaker that I am, but James—not so much.
"I'm ready," I said to my brother. "I want to marry my James now."
* * *
JAMES
The moment I'd waited for was finally here. My greatest fear and greatest joy all rolled up into one big clusterfuck of emotion. No best man standing by my side today either—but it was for the very best possible reason.
Caleb had a job so much more important than simply calming my fucking nerves.
He was walking the bride down the aisle...and giving her away on her wedding day—to me.
Brooke came first, then my sis, and then Willow. Everyone in their places doing what they were supposed to do. Shane and Brenna were the last to come down the aisle before the bride made her grand entrance.
The ocean breeze was warm and gentle, the island sunset timing out like clockwork, the guests giving silent witness to our pledge to each other when I spotted her on Caleb's arm. Looking so bright and beautiful I was blinded just a little.
A little fucking much.
My knees might have buckled just a fraction, too, but I stayed on my feet.
She was radiant, and smiling only for me, and so beautiful in her dress that I had to close my eyes for two seconds, sealing that image of her away in my mind forever.
So I'd never forget how my bride looked at me that first moment when we saw each other on our wedding day.
Four days later.
With nothing to do but make love to my gorgeous wife and lounge around on the beach with her I was pretty pleased with the destination wedding I'd snagged from the silent auction at The Autumn Ball last year. Fripp Island was flanked by several tiny, nearly deserted islands all around us, connected by canals that ran through the marshy waterways. The beach side was the Atlantic Ocean. The whole area was one big wildlife refuge really. We'd seen a family of deer wander through the area just this morning while eating our breakfast outside on the deck. Dolphins appeared everywhere you looked. Yesterday we kayaked to another tiny island, called Prichard’s Island, where Win was so fascinated with the pile of driftwood she'd collected I was afraid we might capsize the kayak on the trip back. A dolphin followed us the whole way almost as if it were making sure we'd make it back safely. It was so awesome.
While I appreciated the beauty of nature, it was Winter's beauty that I found so magnificent as she played in the sand with her collection of shells in nothing but a pink and black flowered bikini. Fuck HOT. Her tits were pushed up and out the sides from the top and her ass was hanging out from the bottoms, and she never looked better in my view—happy and healthy—just as she should be.
The last months had been spent finding our rhythm with how we wanted our life to go. It certainly wasn't quick or easy finding it either. I didn't want her to overextend herself trying to create two safehouse networks from the ground up, so the pace on those projects was slowed. It was going to take some time. For now she was focusing on Sherborn and the equine therapy program it featured. Brooke and Caleb were the principals for The Sanctuary at Blackwater on Blackstone Island, where Winter was more of an admin and less hands-on than she was at Sherborn. I wasn't allowing her to get in over her head with
work again…because we were trying to have baby.
It wasn't something we'd talked about at first because neither of us felt really sure what the other one wanted to do. When you lose something you love in such a heartbreaking way, it's terrifying to put yourself or the one you love at risk for losing it a second time.
But my beautiful Winter is brave.
She is a fighter and doesn't back down from a challenge very often. So, when I asked her a month ago if she wanted to try again she didn't hesitate for even a tiny second. She just said, "Yes, James, that's what I want." And then she told me to get my ass naked as quickly as possible and to get started working on it with her.
Oh, I did. I still do. At every opportunity.
Probably the biggest surprise for me was her enthusiasm for the kink.
God.
She fucking LOVES being kinky with me. My major hesitation in the beginning in pursuing Winter turned out to be anything but a problem. My wife was a kinky fucker just as much as I was—maybe more sometimes.
She took me shelling on a beach the first day where we didn’t see another soul the entire time. We found hundreds of perfect conch shells, some as long as my foot. She'd dragged as many shells as she could carry back to our place along with the driftwood, which she was now arranging carefully in the sand.