He should have known that the one rejection wouldn’t stop Paula. The day before, he got the request from her again.
I want to come home this weekend. We really need to talk. I miss you, David.
He closed his mailbox after reading the message. It wasn’t until he came home from work this night that he opened it again and responded.
I’m not ready.
He wasn’t sure when he would be ready, but he knew he was putting off the inevitable. One way or another the impasse would have to be resolved. Was he ready to let Paula go? Was he even able? The anger enabled him to think he could give her up, but now that the anger had burned down to a slow simmer, he wasn’t sure what he wanted.
He flipped the page, trying to focus on the newsprint in front of him. The Dow was up, and his stocks were holding their own. He checked his father-in-law’s stock and saw it was up a bit.
The top half of the paper flopped forward, and David caught sight of the padded envelope. He snapped the paper upright and turned the page. He couldn’t imagine what was in the package, but with a postmark of Chicago, he knew who it was from.
He didn’t need to look again to know his own name and address were scrawled across the front. Judging by the messy writing, she must have waited until the package was full before addressing it or filled it out in the car on the way to the post office.
He folded the paper and set it on the table beside him. His heart sped as he lifted the envelope and set it in his lap. It was bulky but not heavy. He slid his finger under the tab and opened it. When he emptied the contents, a newspaper-wrapped item with a yellow Post-it note tumbled out. He read the note:
Thought you might like a copy of this.
Thanks for all your help.
Linn
The speed at which his spirits sank left him shaking. It was from Linn. He hadn’t known how much he’d wanted it to be from Paula until he’d seen Linn’s name scrawled on the bottom of the note.
He almost laid the package aside, disappointed and angry at himself for hoping. But instead, his fingers found the end of the newspaper wrapping, and he pulled on it, letting the package flip-flop until the contents tumbled out.
A VCR tape. He read the label: Communications 101: Video Project, Linn Caldwell.
His thoughts made a quick jaunt back to almost two months ago, when Linn taped him and Paula talking about communication in marriage. The irony hit him like an openhanded smack. Paula was more qualified to give advice on miscommunication. She had three years of practice to her credit.
He stuffed the newspaper back into the envelope and set it on the table. The tape rested in his lap, destination unknown. It was an unwanted gift, a dangerous look back in time. But time transport wasn’t a reality, and the tape would only reopen a wound that had recently begun to heal. He picked up the tape.
He would go to the garage and dump it in the garbage can. He stood, tape clutched in his hand, and moved toward the kitchen.
His trip to Chicago was so clear in his mind. He and Paula had walked the streets of Chicago that first day, and he wasn’t able to keep his hands off her. The cold wind brought a blush to her cheeks and tousled her hair into a just-out-of-bed look. They went back to her apartment and made love, and afterward he simply watched her. Stared at her wide green eyes and thought about how much he loved her. It hit him full force that she was the only one on the planet for him. That God made her especially with him in mind.
He hadn’t told her his thoughts then, and now he wondered why. Was some part of him holding back? Some part of him that knew Paula was holding back from him?
He opened the garage door and stopped on the threshold, staring at the garbage can. The trash truck would come tomorrow, and if he threw the tape in the can, the tape would be gone forever. He’d never again see Paula and him together as they had been that week.
His fingers tightened on the tape. It felt as if he would be throwing away their relationship instead of a plastic tape. Did he really want to get rid of it, or was he acting blindly, on emotion?
Suddenly he remembered a remark Paula made during the interview. Linn asked them about resolving conflict, and Paula said something about how they both have a tendency to shut down when there’s conflict. She said it was an obstacle they had to work at, and David agreed with her. When he’d accused her of having an affair, he shut her down completely. Then she’d gotten weary of defending herself and shut down too.
It took months to resolve that conflict because he was too stubborn to stop and consider he might be wrong. Being stubborn then was the biggest mistake he’d made in their marriage.
He remembered New Year’s, when he apologized for his accusations. Paula forgave him easily, something that stunned him at the time and only served to deepen his feelings for her.
Which doesn’t even come close to what Paula’s done.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
The thought came from nowhere and settled on him like a heavy woolen blanket.
He considered the tape, imagining Paula the way she looked that day, the way she elbowed him halfway through the interview when he made some joking comment.
He knew then he didn’t want to get rid of the tape. He wanted to watch it.
He was standing in front the big-screen TV before he realized there was only a DVD player on top. The bedroom TV. Didn’t it have a built-in VCR player?
He went up the stairs and into the room, straight to the TV on a high table in the corner of the room. Relief soothed him when he saw a VCR player. He popped in the tape, grabbed the remote, and hit Play. It seemed to take forever to get going. Linn was on the tape first explaining her project and what she hoped to accomplish. When she wrapped up her comments, suddenly there they were. David was sitting beside Paula on her living-room couch, his arm stretched across the sofa behind her.
Linn introduced David and Paula, then launched into her first question. “One of the top-cited reasons for discontent in marriage is lack of communication. Why do you think that is?”
David answered first, then Paula added some comments of her own. He watched the way she tucked her auburn hair behind her ear. He always teased her about having an Irish temper, but in reality, Paula was too controlled to let herself fly off the handle.
He jerked his attention back to the tape. Linn asked about conflict and communications, and that’s where Paula commented that they both tended to run from conflict.
He’d lightened the tension by talking about his affinity for neatness and Paula’s tendency to be somewhat of a “messy.” That’s when she elbowed him in the ribs.
His mind went back to the moment when he was packing to leave Chicago that week. He kissed Paula, then she stared into his eyes with a look he didn’t quite understand.
“Did you mean what you said on the tape?” she asked.
“Absolutely. You are definitely a messy.”
She gave a mock glare and smacked him on the arm. “Not that part. You know, the part about love being a choice. And how you would choose to love me every day, regardless of what happens.”
Now he wondered. Was she thinking of what she had done three years ago? Was she thinking of the lie she’d kept from him?
“Would you choose to love me every day, regardless of what happens?”
Was it fear that made her ask? Did she doubt his love was strong enough to forgive her anything?
Haven’t you proved her fears right?
The words stirred something deep in the pit of his stomach. He focused on the video again. They were laughing at something Paula said. Then everything turned serious.
David was speaking. “I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is that love isn’t about the feelings you have when you’re dating. They’re a start, but true love is a choice. For me it’s about choosing to love Paula, even when there’s been a miscommunication or when we’re too irritated with each other to talk. You just have to choose to love each other, regardless of what happens.”
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He was looking at Linn when he said the words. But now he looked at Paula. She watched him as he spoke, and tears filled her eyes before she looked down at her lap. He could see her blinking back tears, see her jaw stiffen as if trying to hold in her emotions.
Minutes later the interview ended, and she and David traded a smile before the screen changed to another couple Linn had interviewed.
David turned the video off.
Paula had taken those words to heart. It was obvious by her reaction to them and by the fact that she had asked him later if he’d meant it.
He said he had, but did he really? He had done nothing but run away the past few weeks. Not that he didn’t have reason to be angry. What Paula had done was—
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
He stared at the blank TV screen, the scripture flooding him with guilt.
All right, all right. I get it.
It wasn’t as if he was perfect either, but this . . . Could he forgive this, forgive her, and make their marriage work?
“You just have to choose to love each other, regardless of what happens.”
It was easy-to-spout rhetoric, but to actually put it into action . . . that was another matter. And yet he did love Paula. He missed her. Having a chasm between them was like having his heart cut out. He missed bantering with her and holding her. He missed the way she made herself vulnerable only to him. To everyone else she might seem an ice princess, but with him she would sink into his embrace and become as vulnerable as a child.
Yes, he loved her even now. Even after the abortion. Even after the lies. Sometime over the past few weeks, Paula had confessed everything to her mom. The family had tried to offer their support, but David had shrugged it off. When his father-in-law had put his arm around him in the church vestibule, David had gritted his teeth through the advice.
“I know my daughter’s caused a lot of hurt. What she did was terribly wrong, and her mother and I are devastated too. But eventually, love forgives, and when it does, it grows. That might be hard to believe right now, but just try and hang on to that, OK?”
David hadn’t been ready to hear it at the time, but now the words gave comfort.
“Love forgives, and when it does, it grows.”
When Paula forgave him for his accusations, it proved true. Their love had grown immeasurably. He was astounded at how quickly their relationship deepened. He just never attributed it to forgiveness.
Help me, God. I do want to forgive her. Is that enough to start with?
A sudden longing for Paula surged through him. He remembered the e-mails he’d skimmed through, and he had the urge to read them again. He went downstairs and opened his mail, then reread all her e-mails. She apologized over and over.
I would give anything on earth to go back and undo what I did. My selfishness hurt so many people. I’ll have to live with my mistake the rest of my life, and worse . . . so will you. And that’s the most terrible thing of all. When I think of how you must feel, my heart breaks. You deserved to be a father to our child, and I cheated you of that. Words can’t express how sorry I am, David.
When he was finished reading all the e-mails, he wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. In all the days following his discovery, this was the first time he’d given any thought to what Paula might be feeling. He had been so caught up in the unfairness of the situation that he hadn’t once considered the enormous regret she was carrying.
He was running again, and it was getting him nowhere.
Before he could change his mind, he logged on to a travel site and booked a ticket for the next day. He didn’t know how they’d get through the aftermath, but somehow they would. And he prayed they’d come out the other side stronger for having weathered the storm.
CHAPTER
THIRTY-EIGHT
Paula entered her apartment and flipped on the table lamp. The room was quiet, and she knew Linn must’ve gone to bed. She brushed the snowflakes from her hair as she kicked off her heels. Flurries had begun to fall, the beginning of the snowstorm the station meteorologist had promised.
But Paula didn’t care about the coming snowstorm or the interview that had kept her out too late. There was only one thing on her mind this evening, and that was getting home to check her e-mail. Maybe he was ready to talk now, and she could book a flight home for the weekend. It was what she wanted more than anything.
These past weeks put everything in perspective. Her job was only a job. Her career, only a career. The things that mattered most in life were not things one was paid for. And she’d let the most important person in her life take a backseat to her career goal.
She tossed her coat over the couch arm and settled in at the computer desk. Her fingers trembling on the mouse as she opened her mailbox. Eight e-mails. She skimmed the list looking for David’s screen name. Her eyes stopped on the sixth e-mail.
She clicked on the message and tapped her nervous fingers on the desk edge, wishing she could retrieve the e-mail faster. When it opened, it took only a second to read the three words.
I’m not ready.
Disappointment washed over the hopes she’d built up since she’d sent the e-mail the day before.
Last time she asked to come home, he said, “Don’t.” This time he said, “I’m not ready.” Did the change of phrase indicate a softening? Even a slight one? Just the phrasing indicated that there would come a point when he was ready.
She leaned back against the chair as the weeks of stress overcame her. But when would that point come—when would he be ready? Was he just going to sit by and let their marriage dwindle down to nothing?
A thought intruded, like an unwelcome guest. Was he simply stalling for time while he consulted with an attorney and filed divorce papers? A surge of adrenaline raced through her blood, sending tingling prickles down her arms. She sat upright.
David wouldn’t do that. He loved her. He might be furious with her, and he had every right to be, but he did love her.
His words came back to haunt her again. “I can’t love someone I don’t know, and Paula . . . I don’t know you at all.”
Oh, God, does he really feel that way? Does he still think I’m a stranger?
It wasn’t true. She was still Paula, with all her faults and foibles. And the secret she kept was like an indomitable weed that she tried to stamp down into the soil. But the weed had a life of its own, and now it clawed its way to the surface and was strangling everything around it.
Would there be anything left of their marriage by the time the secret was finished wreaking its havoc?
Why hadn’t she seen earlier that the lie needed to be pulled up by its roots? Now so much damage had been done, she didn’t know if there was anything left to salvage.
She clicked on David’s e-mail again. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to hit Reply and pour her heart out.
But she’d already done that. What else could she do? Her gaze swung to the phone sitting on the coffee table atop a stack of magazines. Should she call, or would he only ignore it again?
It was late, after eleven, and too late to call even if he did pick up. Her eyes flickered over the computer screen and focused on the travel icon on her Favorites bar. Should she go home and confront him? What would she say that she hadn’t said in a dozen e-mails already?
Her eyes fell to David’s e-mail in the window below.
“I’m not ready?”
Well, she was ready. She was ready to take all the blame. She was ready to beg and plead. She was ready to earn back his trust for the next fifteen years if that’s what it took to win David back. She would go to counseling; she would give up the anchor chair; she would move back to Jackson Hole.
If only David would have her.
She opened the travel site and found the familiar flight, relieved to see there was space available. Tomorrow she would fly home, and there wasn’t anything that was going to get in her way.
* * *
David pulled
his carry-on to the row of seats at the gate and sat between a middle-aged woman and a man talking on a cell phone. He had pushed it a little by arriving only forty-five minutes early, but his client’s closing had run over. Besides, Jackson’s airport was small, and security was a breeze compared to a place like Chicago.
An announcement came over the speakers calling for the boarding of a flight to Salt Lake City. He watched the middle-aged woman gather up all her belongings and wondered how she’d make it down the long hallway and across the tarmac to the plane without dropping it all.
Since he had decided to go to Paula the night before, his resolve had only strengthened, and he knew it was because it was the right thing to do. He’d run long enough. It was time to stop and listen.
“For those passengers flying on flight 738 to Chicago, there may be a slight delay. We hope to begin boarding soon.”
David took his newspaper from the carry-on and opened it.
“You heading to Chicago?” the man beside him asked.
“Yes, I am.” David wasn’t in the mood to chat with talkative strangers. He hoped he wouldn’t get seated beside someone who flapped his jaws constantly.
“I hope they don’t cancel it.” The man gestured to the phone in his hand. “My wife said they’re in the middle of a snowstorm.”
David had been so busy preparing for his weekend off work that he hadn’t even checked Chicago’s weather. “You’re kidding.” He hadn’t realized how badly he wanted to see Paula until now.
“Started last night and has been snowing all day. She said they have eight inches, but it’s starting to warm up.”
Maybe it wouldn’t be a problem after all. Chicago was used to dealing with snow. “Well, that’s good.”
“Not really. They’re calling for an inch of sleet and ice.”
* * *
Paula set the suitcase by her feet and looked out the wall of windows lining O’Hare’s gate BIO. The pavement, the planes, even the sky appeared to have been swallowed up by a great sea of white. It was a winter wonderland. But all Paula could wonder about was whether or not her flight was going to get off the ground.