What a picture! Me climbing over our tall rock fence in my underwear and bare feet on the rope emergency fire ladder, probably messing up my hair and maybe having the ladder break, or fall, or some other silly thing that would embarrass me for life!
Oh, sweet Jesus, help me through this terrible dalliance! I shouldn’t have written that! It’s not my place to ask for help when I’m not sure at all that I’m doing the right thing, but I’m going to do it anyway. Maybe something awful will happen at the dance, but I won’t allow myself to think about anything like that! I won’t! I won’t!
12:45 P.M.
I can’t believe I’m not dreaming! Every single thing went so smoothly it was like it wasn’t real. No one spied me when I ran, in my underwear and bare feet, to the wall, and I didn’t snag my dress on any limbs as I put it on, and I wasn’t accosted by all the bad guys in the world as I hurried past the Lavine and the Travolta estates.
Mark, David, and Jennifer were waiting for me by the Bells’ and Mark, who was driving, got out and opened the door for me. He looked like Brad Pitt and I couldn’t believe that he was as interested in me as I was in him. We laughed and joked about meeting at the museum with the dinosaurs and even called each other by our made-up names.
The dance was spectacular! And obviously it was a rich boys’ school. There were small tables with school-colored cloths that swept to the floor and a buffet that was furnished by Wolfgang Puck’s. The band was fantastic, and while there were a lot of adults around, no one seemed to care.
During the evening they also had a couple of entertainers. A young girl and guy who were really funny, and a lady who told fortunes. She called up people from the group and told things about them that made everyone laugh and wonder if it was a set-up.
Anyway, there was not one single glitch in the whole evening. None of us wanted it to ever end. The guys let Jennifer out first and waited until they saw her walking up the back steps. Mark insisted on helping me get over the wall. He had no idea that it would have been easier for me to do it by myself in my underwear. As it was, I caught my skirt on a branch and practically fell over backward. Thank goodness he was there to catch me. He’s asked me if we would be getting together again soon and, not being able to lie to him, I said, “I hope so.” I really do hope so!
Mark tossed up his side of the ladder and whispered that he had never had a better time in his life. I felt tears run down my face as I whispered back that I felt the same way!
Saturday, March 20
6:25 A.M.
The sun is just beginning to come up. The birds are singing their little hearts out and the fragrance of the flower gardens is like a sweet potion for joy and peace. I’m glad that Mama and Daddy won’t be back until late tomorrow because I want to pretend all day.
4:00 P.M.
After breakfast I took a swim, then conked out on a lounge chair by the pool. I slept until Mrs. Jolettea called me on the intercom.
After lunch she asked me if I’d like to go to the Griffith Park Zoo or maybe Venice Beach. She said she was worried about me being alone so much. I lied that I liked being alone and that I had a huge and difficult report to get to Sister Mary on Monday. Mrs. Jolettea said I was a “good child,” and I apologized about her and her husband having to spend their weekend here to babysit me instead of being able to go to their own home for the weekend, as they usually do.
Sunday, March 21
The day is passing too quickly. I really wanted to talk to Jennifer, so I finally asked Mrs. Jolettea if I could ask her over. At first Mrs. Jolettea was hesitant, but then she said yes. I was so excited, I gave her a big hug and jumped for the phone.
Jennifer’s brother drove her over, and the two of us reveled in having the morning to ourselves. We talked and swam, talked and played tennis, talked and just lounged like lazy cats in the sun. We’d had such a fantastically wonderful night on Friday that we had to keep pinching each other to be sure we weren’t still dreaming.
Just before noon Jennifer suggested we ask Mrs. Jolettea if we could have Mark and David over for an hour or so. At first she said absolutely not! Then when she saw our sad faces, she said she didn’t see how that could hurt if we, at all times, stayed where she could see us!
We stumbled over each other getting to the phone and within twenty minutes, Mark and David were at our gate with their bathing suits and tennis shoes in their hands.
Never has God created a nicer day, and when Mrs. Jolettea called us from the main house and said the boys had been there for almost three hours, we couldn’t believe it.
Both guys came from good families so they immediately got their things together and started toward Mark’s car. All four of us seemed kind of downcast until Mark said, “Hey gang, it’s not like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow!”
We all laughed at that and said how grateful we were for the telephone.
David said he would be on the phone the minute he got in his house. Mark took a smart-aleck stance and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and said he’d be on my phone as soon as I got in my house.
What a funny, happy, appreciative group we are!
8:20 P.M.
Maybe soon Daddy and Mama will realize that I am no longer a little kid and that I deserve to go to movies and to the mall and the beach and do stuff with my friends.
My dear, dear, sweet, sweet Daddy would love both Mark and David if he knew them and saw what nice, honorable, good students from good families they are.
Daddy loves me and I know he wants me to be happy and well adjusted. In just one month I’ll be sixteen, and in two months Jennifer will be sixteen. She knows her parents will give her a big party…but mostly with relatives and their friends. I hope they will invite me and Mark and David. I’m almost sure about me, but David and Mark? Hmmm…
I wonder if I’ll even be able to have a party at all.
Isn’t it strange how sometimes life can be so good, yet sometimes it can be so painful?
9:47 P.M.
Mama and Daddy just drove in. They were both exhausted, especially Mama. She was still standing beautifully straight and tall, and her green eyes looked like they were taking in the whole world, but she didn’t talk. She simply gave me the tiniest smile and walked into her bedroom with Daddy’s help. I’m concerned about her! Does she need a different doctor? A different therapist? A different surrounding? A different husband, who doesn’t just treat her like she is a trophy wife? Maybe it’s a different daughter she needs, or no daughter at all.
When Daddy came out of Mama’s room he completely ignored me. I could feel my heart crumbling like potato chips. How could he not like me when he had been so happy and wonderful with me? What had I done? I want to kill myself! Nobody gives a damn about me! Not even me! Especially not me!
I’m going to bed to try to escape into sleep land.
Monday, March 22
6:00 A.M.
I was just awakened by a soft tapping at my door, and I jumped out of bed wondering what kind of horrible catastrophe was waiting for me now. But it wasn’t a catastrophe, it was Daddy just inviting me to go out to an early breakfast with him. He said he’d be waiting for me in the library and for me to hurry up.
7:00 A.M.
I don’t know when I’ve ever showered, dressed, or fixed my hair so fast. When I dashed into the library, Daddy was all smiles, and he took me into his arms and hugged me like he never wanted to let go. Then he pushed me away and, holding me by the shoulders as he looked at me, he told me that I was the most beautiful human being alive, that even in my silly little Catholic school outfit I looked good enough to eat, and he started nibbling my ear. He also told me, as we drove to Uncle John’s Pancake House, that my fresh beauty and poise had now surpassed Mama’s! I couldn’t believe that and looked at him cautiously to see if he was kidding. He wasn’t! I could see he wasn’t and my heart throbbed with joy and pride. It was too wonderful for me to believe.
We sat in a little back corner booth, and Daddy told me
what a “stoned rag” Mama had been in San Francisco and how he had almost been ashamed of her. Then he held my hand and told me how much he wished I had been there instead of her. I felt like a fantastic fairy princess who had just broken out of her ugly shell.
All the way home he continued to tell me nice things about myself. I tried to snuggle up to him but he laughed and told me we would snuggle at home but in public people might think he had a gorgeous new girlfriend. He poked me in the arm playfully and said, “We don’t want that in the National Enquirer, do we?”
I giggled and sat up straight and proper.
When we got home he hugged me, kissed me, and told me I was the most important thing in his life and that I should always remember that! Then he told me that around Mama he had to kind of ignore me because she was dangerously jealous of me.
As I waited for my school van I wondered how Mama could be jealous of me! What could that mean, and how should I treat Mama from now on? Maybe I should just stay away from her as much as I could.
It was kind of difficult to concentrate in school with all the wonderful loving things from Daddy rolling around in my head…and the scary things about Mama, like her never liking me or wanting me. That loaded me down with strangeness.
I wish I could talk to Mama’s therapist about that, but of course I can’t. I wondered for a while if I could talk to Jennifer or Mark, but that wouldn’t work, either. It would just make me seem like a superweird kid from a superweird family.
Why has Mama always hated me? I thought I used to remember her hugging me and rocking me and taking me on walks though the garden where we looked for little bugs and shiny rocks. I thought I remembered her buying me pretty dresses and taking me to the pony park and stuff. Wishful thinking I guess, or daydreaming.
I wish Daddy hadn’t told me how mean Mama had been to me when I was little and that that was why he had lost his temper with her and was sometimes violent. I don’t blame him now that I know the circumstances! How could he not have done bad things to her when she was all the time doing bad things to me? And wouldn’t it be miraculously amazing if maybe I can become a part of his life? Oh! I do hope with all my heart that I can!
Mama’s personal maid is like a white old ghoul who disappears into the woodwork when I come near. I think she is kind of a maid-nurse because she stays very close to Doctor Barjoun when he’s here.
I wish Daddy would get another doctor for Mama because Doctor Barjoun is scary! He’s so hairy he looks like an ape-man, and he’s never once, in all the times he’s been here, looked me straight in the eye. Sister Mary says people who won’t look you in the eye usually have a problem! He’s like a character out of an old-fashioned scary movie. Mama doesn’t need him; she needs someone who is kind and gentle and fun and funny, someone who will encourage her to open her drapes and let the world’s wonders come in. Someone to help her get her life back to normal.
I wonder what would happen if I went into Mama’s room sometimes when she wasn’t sleeping and I told her how wonderful and great she really is, not just beautiful on the outside but beautiful on the inside, too.
Once we had a lady come to school and talk to us about the person inside. Maybe Mama wouldn’t be jealous of me if…imagine this…insignificant me trying to change the world…I don’t think so! But I wish that I could!
Wednesday, March 24
Today Daddy was sitting out in the pool house when I got home from school. He yelled at me to pop upstairs and put on my swimsuit so we could play some waterball. I blew him a kiss and quickly changed my clothes.
It was a fun few hours with us playing our hearts out. Daddy was constantly telling me that he was trying to make up for all the hugs and kisses and loving that we had missed over the years. We really were physical, and in some little way I felt embarrassed because I wasn’t really a little child anymore. I will be sixteen in a couple of weeks after all.
11:45 P.M.
I just woke up from dreaming that I was having my birthday party at my house. It was kind of strange because lots of girls from school were there, but only two boys, Mark and David. I wondered why I hadn’t asked them to bring some of their guy friends.
Now that I’m completely awake, I wonder what would happen if I asked Daddy if I could have my birthday party here and invite a few boys as well as girls.
I’ve thought about it and thought about it and…what is the worst thing that could happen? He could say no. I think I’ll ask sometime when he’s feeling very mellow. Do I dare? Of course I dare! Daddy often tells me that we can talk about anything at all!
I’m excited! Excited almost out of my skin but, wouldn’t you know, tonight would be one of the nights Daddy will be gone. Maybe by tomorrow I will have lost my courage to ask.
Thursday, March 25
Daddy’s been gone both last night and tonight. If I don’t ask him soon, it’s going to be too late to send out invitations and buy party stuff.
I wonder if I could ask Mama? Just kind of talk about it because I’ve never had a real birthday party before. We’ve always gone out to dinner at some fancy place, and once we flew to Catalina Island, just the three of us, but it’s not like being with your friends, especially when you are a teenager.
Friday, March 26
I went out and picked a big bouquet of Mama’s favorite yellow roses and tiptoed into her room. She moved slightly, sniffed, then opened her eyes. “For me, baby?” she said softly. “You picked them for me?” She said it like it was an earth-shattering gift from the gods. I felt guilty. I couldn’t ever remember having given her a gift before. Daddy always piled up the gifts before us. I put the vase on Mama’s night table and picked up her hand. Her skin was softer than anything I had ever touched before in my life, and the smile on her face was like I had given her my soul.
Huge tears welled up in her eyes and she whispered, “You don’t hate me?”
I didn’t have any idea what she was talking about, so I scrunched over on her bed and hugged her and kissed her like I’d wanted to do for years and years but hadn’t dared. She had seemed so…something I couldn’t comprehend…like there was a great stone wall between us, like there is around our house.
“What ever made you think I hated you?” I asked after a few seconds. Then memories of us picking flowers and finding bugs and riding ponies at the pony farm began coming back. Happy, breathless things were flooding into my mind on top of each other; good, wonderful, lovely times that had been completely blotted out of my mind. How could that have ever happened? But none of that stuff mattered now because she loves me! And I love her! We love each other!
Long, long ago something terrible must have estranged us…but it didn’t matter what it was now because we had passed it!
I snuggled up beside Mama in her bed and we both cried about the years we had lost. Why? Why? Why???
After a little while, Mama got up and dressed and we walked down to the patio. Mama’s nurse, Gretchen, had stuck her head into the room a couple of times but had hurriedly disappeared again. I was glad because she looked and acted like scary death warmed over. We didn’t need that!
Cook brought breakfast out on the patio and we ate and talked and laughed. I felt like I was in heaven.
Mama told me I was the most beautiful person she had ever seen, and I said the same about her. She was almost as touchy and huggy as Daddy, and I felt warm and wanted.
We were so busy finding out about each other’s thoughts and needs and wants that I almost missed my school van. I really wanted to miss it, but the old, sad Mama said, “Daddy wouldn’t like that.” The lights went off inside both of us, and we were like scared little-kid strangers again.
School was like hell. (Sorry, but there is no other way to explain it.) I couldn’t concentrate, and Sister Mary thought I was just goofing off! I wasn’t! I truly was trying my very hardest, but the mixed messages that were banging around in my mind were driving me crazy. How could Daddy be sometimes wonderful and loving and confidence-building and
other times be a completely out-of-control maniac, wildly ranting and raving and…I tried to wipe the pictures away, but they wouldn’t disappear.
Of course, Sister Mary couldn’t understand or read my horrifying, appalling thoughts, so she tapped me across my hands with her soft ruler. In a way, it felt good, actually. It sort of centered me between what was happening in my life and what I was daydreaming would be happening in the future.
Wednesday, March 31
I often wonder if I am the only person in the world who feels like I do. Physically I have everything I want, and mentally I should be getting everything I need from the nuns. Still I feel like a lost soul, being picked and pulled from all sides, bounced and bruised, never knowing what the next few minutes or tomorrow will bring.
Some of the girls at school envy me. If they only knew! Or maybe their homes are like mine and they, too, just keep things hidden from the outside world.
I hurt so much that I feel like I am drowning in my own tears. How can I be so lost and lonely in my own body?
Daddy came home at about the same time my school van pulled up. He was the old, funny, make-me-happy Daddy, bringing gifts and ecstatic stories. At first I felt like a traitor to Mama when we played tennis and hugged and kissed each time we did something really well! And when he told me wonderful confidence-building things about myself, I didn’t want to think about anything else!