“Oh, can I have spaghetti?”
“You can have whatever you want.”
“Do we have to share the spaghetti with Joey?”
“Yes, we do.”
“Hey, I heard that squirt. You know I like spaghetti!”
I look over to see Joey walking towards us. He looks more relaxed than he did a few hours ago. Joey opens his arms, and Kellie jumps off the hammock and runs to him. He picks Kellie up and holds her close to him. Kellie is happy to have his attention and wraps her arms around his neck.
“I’m so sorry. I never meant to yell at you. I said some bad things to you, and I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again. Do you forgive me?”
“You scared me, and I got sick. Why don’t you like me?”
“I love you, Kellie, and sometimes I act stupid.”
“That’s okay; I act stupid too.”
The heart of my beautiful child is so forgiving, and I can see Joey visibly relax. I think he will always remember this day, and hopefully, he will be more involved in his sister’s life. We enjoy a relaxing dinner and are in the van by eight in the evening. The kids are in a carbohydrate coma and are asleep as soon as we hit the road. I’ll admit that I’m also a little tired, and the motion of the car lulls me to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Ethan
The family room is now a hospital room, complete with a hospital bed, and all of the equipment needed for nasogastric intubation. I also have a full-time nurse who will help with her bathing and feeding schedule, and another full-time nurse to attend to her physical therapy. I feel sorry for my son because he graduates from high school on Friday. This should be a happy time for our family. It’s not, and there is nothing that I can do to convince him to attend the graduation ceremony.
“I can’t do it, Dad. I can’t sit there and pretend that I’m happy when I’m dying inside. I don’t care about a goddamn diploma, not when Mom is so sick. I just want to be here with her.”
I understand my son’s concern, and I don’t want to pile more shit on his shoulders, so I drop the subject. I just pray that this does not derail his plans for college. I’m almost afraid to ask him about it.
Diane’s first night at home is very tense. I had an extra bed delivered, and I’m sleeping in the room with her. I am so afraid to leave her alone, not even for a few minutes. My parents are helping me, and we have agreed to rotate sitting with her in four-hour shifts. I can’t physically be with her twenty-four-seven. If something happens to me, who will take care of her? The room is eerily quiet, and it is impossible for me to sleep. I am once again reminded of the gravity of my wife’s illness because the familiar sounds of clicking and beeping are all around me. I walk over to my wife’s bed, and I just want to cry. Diane is asleep now, which is the only time that I feel comfortable being close to her.
“What has happened to you, my love? What made you so terrified that you withdrew into yourself? Why did you leave the house? Why didn’t you call me? I would have helped you through this Diane. Why, a thousand times, why? What are you thinking about? Can you hear me when I speak to you? Can you feel the children when they touch your hand or kiss your cheek? Do you have any idea how devastated they are to see you like this? I feel helpless Diane. Only you have the power to come back to us. Don’t lock yourself away in your private prison. Come back to us my darling. We love you so much. I love you with all that I am. I don’t know how to reach you. How do I reach you?”
Diane
I hear a beautiful voice speaking to me, but I don’t have the will to listen.
He is asking what happened to me?
He wants me to come back to him, but I can’t.
I don’t want to face the world again. It’s too painful.
The angry man hurt me, and I am afraid to go back.
I am surrounded by darkness. It pulls me deeper and deeper away from the light.
This is where I feel safe. My body feels weightless.
I can’t feel anything. I can’t see anything
I can finally let go of everything and just…drift away.
I am sorry I don’t have the strength to fight for my life.
I really am…defective!
Ethan
The months that follow are without question, the darkest days of our lives. Kellie and Joey refuse to leave the house. One morning, in particular, tore me up inside. It was early in the morning, and I was half asleep when I heard Kellie come into the room. She was holding the teddy bear that she gave to Diane when she came home from the hospital. Kellie climbed up onto the bed and curled into her mother. She took the teddy bear and placed it on Diane’s chest.
Kellie whispered, “I brought George, so you won’t be lonely. Can you hear me, Mommy? It’s me, Kellie. Me and Joey miss you, Mommy. Can you come back to us? I’ll stay with you until you open your eyes.” Kellie laid her little head on Diane’s shoulder and closed her eyes. “I’m kinda mad at you Mommy. You said you would always be my Mom. Do you remember saying that? If you don’t, that’s okay; I’ll keep reminding you.”
My sweet daughter closed her eyes and fell asleep next to her mother. Can you hear what she said Diane? Can you feel us all around you? Can you feel the love that we have for you? I hope you can because I’ll tell you every day how much I love you. I lift Kellie into my arms and take her back to her bed. I don’t want my daughter living in this room, this sick room with all of the machines around her. I don’t want this vision of her mother stuck in her head.
When I return to her room, I debate with myself whether I should lay next to her in bed. It’s been a long time since I felt her body against mine. I’m a selfish bastard. I want this connection. I have to believe that she can hear and feel us near her. I take off my tee shirt and climb into bed next to her. She is lying on her back, and I gently lift her head and slide my arm under her neck, slowly pulling her closer to me. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I am.
I spend the next few hours talking to her, hoping that she understands me. “Hi honey, it’s Ethan. I’m right here with you baby. I’ll never leave you. Please come back to me, Diane. The children and I miss you so much. Do you remember our day at the beach? We had fun, didn’t we? You should have seen your face when you got on the bike. I love seeing you happy Diane. I want you to be happy. Where are you, sweetheart? Can you hear me?”
Diane
Someone is talking to me again. I recognize the voice. It’s Ethan! Oh God, where am I? I can feel him touching my arm. His body feels warm next to mine.
I remember the beach. We had fun that day. I remember riding a bicycle and eating hot dogs on the beach. Then, we went home for my birthday party. Oh, I remember the argument.
I can’t focus my thoughts. The darkness is dragging me down, taking me to a place far from Ethan.
And then I remember what happened to me. Those men tried to hurt me! They hit me!
I was so afraid. My head hurts again. I can’t focus.
The darkness claims me once again.
I am…dying.
Ethan
It’s now the middle of August and my son is having second thoughts about college. “Joey, there has been no change in your mother’s condition since June. How long do you expect to stay in this house? You have a life to live son. Your mom would hate knowing you’ve put your college education on hold because of what happened to her. You will lose your scholarship if you don’t show up. Is this what you want?”
“I feel guilty leaving, Dad. What if something happens to her and I’m a thousand miles away. How can I concentrate when all I do is worry about her?”
I grab my son’s arms and shake him. “Listen to me. Besides me, Granny and Gramps, I have two full-time nurses practically living in this house. Your mother is never left alone. If it makes you feel better, we can Skype every night. I don’t want you to miss this opportunity, Joey. You won’t get a second chance at a full scholarship. Think about it. You still have two weeks before you need to register.”
“Ok, I will, but I do not promise anything.”
“Fair enough, the final decision is yours, and I will support whatever decision you make.”
“Thanks. I love you, Dad. I know I don’t say it enough.”
“I know son. I love you too.”
Later that night, I hear Joey come into the room. The room is semi-dark, and I pretend to be asleep. I want to give my son the opportunity to sit with his mother. I can see him clearly, and it breaks my heart when he reaches out and kisses his mom’s hand. He’s holding her hand against his cheek. God, this is killing me.
“Hi Mom, it's Joey, I don’t know what to do Mom. I have a scholarship, but I don’t want to leave you. How can I leave you like this? Dad will be disappointed if I don’t go to college. I wish you could talk to me. Can you hear me? I hope you can, Mom, because I love you, and miss my best friend. I’ve worked so hard to get into this college, and if I don’t show up, I’ll never get a second chance. I must go. I have no other choice. I hate this Mom. I hate what’s happened to you. I hate the people who hurt you. You don’t deserve any of this.”
I watch my son lean in and kiss his mother gently on the lips. My gut is rolling, and it’s all I can do to keep myself from vomiting. I take a few deep breaths as I watch my son leave the room. Hot tears flood my eyes as I look over at Diane. She hasn’t moved the entire time Joey talked to her. Did she hear him? I pray that she did. I want her to know that we love her.
One week later, my son is on his way to college. My father went with him. I will never forget how I felt when I saw the car pull out of the driveway. This should be a happy day for my family. Having your first-born take the leap into college should be an exciting time in our lives. I see no sign of happiness in his eyes. I see sadness and resignation. He cannot control any of this, and frankly, I want him to live his life and enjoy his first year in college. I will miss my son terribly, but I also know that it’s time for him to spread his wings and fly.
Diane
I have spent so much time in the darkness, and I want to go home, but where is home? I hear people talking to me. I feel people touching me. It feels nice whatever they are doing to me.
I miss Ethan. I miss him so much. I don’t know how to break free from the darkness. I want to leave this place, but how do I do that?
I’m afraid I will die if I stay here much longer. The darkness no longer comforts me. It’s a cold place, and I feel like I’m all alone in this dark place. I want to live. I want to know my family.
I felt Kellie put George on my chest. She is such a sweet child. I’m sorry what happened to me hurts Kellie and Joey. I don’t want them hurting because of me. Please, please help me leave the darkness. I want to see their beautiful faces. I want to tell Ethan that I heard every word he has said to me.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ethan
Mid October
The day started like every other day. Patti arrived at our house around eight in the morning and at once went to work. The other nurse, Linda, came ten minutes later. While Patti worked on massaging Diane’s arms and legs, Linda filled the basin with warm water. Therapy and a sponge bath are the morning rituals, followed by changing the intubation tube and replacing the nutrition bag.
As they were going about their individual tasks, they started talking about Linda’s upcoming wedding. Linda’s fiancé wants an all chocolate cake, while Linda wants something more traditional. While they are talking, I left the room to get a cup of coffee. I am sitting in the kitchen drinking my coffee when Linda runs into the kitchen.
“Patti needs to see you right away. Something’s happened with Diane.”
My heart leaped in my chest as a thousand different scenarios run through my head. I am almost afraid to walk into the room. When I do, Patti motioned for me to stand next to her. She whispered to me, “Diane made a sound deep in her throat and moved her wrist. We were talking about Linda’s upcoming wedding, and how she and her fiancé are arguing about what kind of cake they want for the reception.”
I don’t think I will ever be able to explain adequately how I feel at this moment. Months of praying, of watching my beautiful wife waste away before my eyes is something that I never imagined I would live through. I’m afraid to be optimistic. I’m afraid to wish for something that may never happen. As Patti continues Diane’s therapy, she made a sound deep in her throat once again and smiled. All three of us took a step closer, and when I touched Diane’s hand, she smiled again. I leaned in and whispered to Linda, “Keep talking about the wedding. Diane hears you.”
Patti picks up the conversation. “So, what did you decide on the cake? Are the two of you still arguing about it?”
“Yeah, we still can’t decide. I’m thinking about having two different cakes because Josh will not cave. He want’s chocolate, and unless I beat the crap out of him, he won’t give up his chocolate. I think he’s addicted to it.”
I should laugh because Diane and I had a similar conversation before our wedding. I told them so. “I remember a similar argument with Diane before we were married. I wanted a vanilla cake with buttercream icing, and Diane wanted a marble cake with chocolate frosting. We argued for I don’t know how long. Neither of us wanted the other cake, and at some point, I threw up my hands and said that she could have whatever she liked. I just wanted to marry her. I didn’t give a damn about the cake.”
Both women laughed. “What was the final decision?”
“I had no clue what type of cake she ordered for the reception. My jaw hit the floor when it was time to cut the cake. She had the baker make two halves of one cake, vanilla with buttercream on one side, and marble with chocolate on the other. Remind me to show you the pictures.” There it is again. Diane smiled and briefly opened her eyes, and everyone saw it. I had to lean against the doorjamb to keep from falling on my ass. “I don’t believe it! I need to call Craig Jenkins!”
Within an hour, Craig was in the house. While I was waiting for him to finish the examination, I called my parents. The three of us paced the confines of my home for what felt like an eternity. Finally, I see Craig coming out of the room. He has a smile on his face, and I am almost afraid to ask him anything. My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth, and I feel like I’ve swallowed a handful of sand. Once again, my dad bails me out.
“Well, what’s going on, Craig?”
“I have good news. Diane is showing signs of awareness. She reacted to several different stimuli, but she had a significant reaction when the nurse gave me a teddy bear that Kellie gave to her mother. I placed it on Diane’s chest, and she smiled. Not only did she smile, but she also moved a few fingers and part of her arm. It is crucial that you continue to surround Diane with sounds and stimuli. Carry her out into the living room. Keep her engaged as much as possible. Something is happening to her, and I feel she may soon come out of it. I don’t want to get your hopes up because I have no way of determining Diane’s mental capacity once she is awake. We need to take this one step at a time, but this is a good sign.”
It is more than a good sign. Today is the first time in over four months that Diane has shown any movement, and we are beyond excited. I had another hospital bed delivered and set up in the corner of the living room. Later that night, I skyped Joey and saw him burst out in tears. I wish I could hold him in my arms.
“Oh, Dad, that’s great news. I wish I could be there to see this.”
“You’ll be home in a few weeks for Thanksgiving. I can’t wait to see you, son.”
“Me too, I miss everyone.”
“Stay focused Joey. Your grades are excellent.”
“Um, Dad, can I talk to you about something?”
“You know you can. What is it?”
“I want to switch my major to pre-med.”
I am stunned to hear him say this to me. Joey has never expressed an interest in medical school. “Wow, I’m a little shocked to hear this, son. What made you change your mind?”
“Honestly, it is see
ing what Mom has gone through this year. I talked to my counselor and explained everything to him. I have researched a few specialized fields, and I picked Neuroscience.”
“Wow, again Joey. You’ve made me happy, and I am so proud of you. If there is anything that I can do to help you, please ask. I know Uncle Jerry, and your grandparents will be happy to help you study. This is so exciting. There will be three generations of doctors in the Miller family. Your Grandparents will go nuts when they hear this.”
“I have more good news.”
Laughing, I say, “I don’t know how much more I can take for one day. Lay it on me!”
“My counselor suggested I transfer to Temple.”
“Are you kidding me? Are you moving back home? Please, don’t bullshit me!”
“I’m serious. When I come home for Thanksgiving, I’m home for good.”
“Thank you, Jesus, I’ve missed you.”
“I miss you too, Dad.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ethan
The following night, and every night for the next three weeks, I carry Diane into the living room after the family ate dinner. It’s not easy with all the machines, but I manage with my parent’s help. Mom and Dad have been so supportive these past few months. My mother has grown closer to Diane if that’s even possible. I watch my mom as she interacts with my wife. My mom is a very touchy-feely person, and it brings me to tears watching her gently touch Diane’s face, and hold her hand. All of us sit near her bed and tell stories to her. We talk about the fun we had as a family. I read a few pages from the book she was reading before the accident, and Kellie goes on and on about what happened in her life that day. My dad picks the movie, and we all enjoy a movie night. I sit close to Diane’s bed and tell her about the film we are watching.
I look at her intently as I speak to her, and I see signs of REM, which is something that I have not seen in the months since she came home to us. Something is happening, and while I try to be patient, the stress is getting to me. I miss my wife, miss my son, and miss working at the hospital, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. I am so tired of being tired. We are now at the end of week three of our nightly ritual. My father picks a ridiculous movie to watch tonight. I have no desire to look at it, and I rest my head on the mattress. I could use a power nap. I must have fallen asleep because I am dreaming that Diane is running her fingers through my hair.