“Kellie, don’t you want to put whipped cream and sprinkles on those pancakes?”
“Daddy, you remembered about the whipped cream! That was funny. Can I show Mommy what I did?”
“You sure can, Munchkin. I’ll get it for you.”
“Okay, Mommy, this is what happened. I wanted to have whipped cream and sprinkles on my pancakes. Granny makes the best pancakes. Joey teased me and said only babies eat pancakes that way. He dared me to mush my face in them, so I did it. And then, Daddy came into the kitchen and took a picture. It was so funny! I want to do it again.”
Everyone sits and watches as Kellie re-creates that day, which also includes smashing her face once again in whipped cream with red and green sprinkles. Diane’s eyes light up with amusement. It is the perfect Christmas morning breakfast. After I clean up Kellie again, all of us go back into the living room. Everyone is still laughing as we sit down to open our presents. My mother is carrying Kellie’s gift. I want her to open it first. I walk over to the tree and gather all of her gifts. To make it easy for me, I had them all wrapped in the same paper.
“Kellie honey, do you want to open your presents first?”
“Yeah, I can’t wait any longer. What’s in the big box? Is it for me?”
I look up at Diane, and she is smiling because I clued her in on the secret present. “Yes, that big box belongs to you.” I watch as my daughter crawls over to the box and stare at it for a few seconds. When the box moves, she screams.
“What’s in the box?”
I laugh at her. “Open it, and you’ll find out what’s in the box.”
If I live to be one hundred, I will never forget the look on my daughter’s face when she opens the box. For the first time in her young life, she is speechless. I swear, she’s looking down into the box, and she’s not saying a word.
“Kellie honey, do you like your gift?”
She looks up at me, and then the tears flow, and I mean, loud, I’m about to pass out crying tears. Joey jumps off the sofa and sits next to her.
“Take it out of the box.”
Kellie bends down and very carefully lifts out of the box a snow-white poodle with a pink rhinestone collar. She hugs the little dog to her chest and cries again. “Is it really my dog, Daddy?”
“Yes, it is honey. Mommy and I thought it was time for you to have a dog. I want you to remember that taking care of a dog is a big responsibility. You have to feed it, bathe it, take it for a walk, and clean up after it.”
“I promise I will take good care of my dog. Oh, this is the best Christmas ever. Mommy is home, and I have a poodle. Can I open my other presents?”
“You sure can, sweetheart.” I watch in amazement as Kellie rips open the other packages in record time. She has everything she could possibly need for a dog, and I have never seen my daughter so happy.
“Have you picked out a name for your poodle, honey?”
Kellie thinks about this for a few seconds, and said, “Yeah, I want to call my dog Fluffy.”
Joey is next on the list. “It’s your turn, Joey. All of the packages in gold are yours.”
My son is not demonstrative by nature. He tends to hold in his emotions. However, this past year has changed him in many ways. I want to give my son something special this year, something that he can use when he returns to his studies. The first gift is a new laptop with all the bells and whistles. The second is an IPad with a keyboard. The third one is a new I-Phone. I want my son to be prepared with all of the technology he needs for school. When my son looks up at me, there are tears in his eyes.
“Dad, I don’t know what to say. I love all my gifts. Thank you so much, Mom, Dad. This means so much to me. I love you.”
After my parent’s exchange gifts with the kids, and we exchange gifts with them, there are three presents under the tree, and all of them are for Diane. My kids and I wanted to give Diane something special this Christmas, and I think our gifts are very right considering what we have been through this year.
The gift from our children is a gold charm bracelet. All the charms are heart shaped, and on each heart, there is a laser image of the children at different stages in their life. Diane holds the bracelet in her hand and inspects each heart. She then holds the bracelet against her heart and cries.
“Oh, this is so beautiful. I love it so much, and every time I look at my wrist, I will think of my children. Come over here and give your mother a hug and a kiss.”
I see my mom taking pictures, and my dad wiping the tears from his face. The image of Diane holding our children in her arms will stay with me for a long time.
“I love the two of you so much.”
I give my children a minute or two to hold their mother. My mom is furiously taking pictures. I want to capture every moment of this day. “Okay, you too, it’s my turn to give your mom a gift.” I walk over, sit on the arm of the chair, and hand Diane her gift. The box is small but significant. The purple velvet box holds a one-carat heart shaped diamond, set in platinum, with baguettes on the shank of the ring.
“I want to give you something that represents how much I love you, and how much our children love you. I know we have challenging days ahead of us, but this gift represents the future. When you look at it, I want you to remember the love, Diane. You will always have our unconditional love.” I take the ring out of the box, slide the ring onto her right ring finger, and kiss her hand.
“Oh, Ethan, I love you. This ring is so beautiful. I don’t know what to say. I don’t have anything to give to you in return. I never thought about Christmas gifts.”
“We already have our present, Diane. We have you.” There isn’t a dry eye in the house. All of us surround Diane and take turns hugging and kissing her. I already received the usual Christmas gifts from my children, a wallet from Kellie, and an e-reader from Joey, because my old one died months ago. My parents are overly generous this year. Kellie received a new bike, and over a dozen toys and Joey received a new leather jacket, and a $1000 gift card for school supplies. The gift from my parents to me is the most emotional gift of the day. My gift is a first edition of Elizabeth Barrett Browning poetry. I always loved her poetry, and my mind flashes back to my wedding. I recited one of Browning’s poems to my wife before our first dance as husband and wife. When I open the cover, a note sits inside in my father’s handwriting. It says, “One day soon, you will recite another poem to the woman you love on your new wedding day. I feel it in my bones. Love you, Mom and Dad.”
Diane is watching me. Everyone is looking at me, and I can’t help but choke up a bit as I hold the book in my hands. Diane does not know the significance of Elizabeth Barrett Browning in our lives. I must explain it to her, and when I sit next to her, I show Diane the note. Her hands shake as she reads what my father wrote, then she looks at me, and I can see what she is thinking. My heart leaped in my chest when she leans in and whispers, “I cannot wait for that day Ethan. I want it so much.”
I kiss her temple and whisper back to her, “We will get there sweetheart. I know it in my heart.”
My mom and dad give Diane their gift, which is a gift certificate for a full day at the spa. Diane laughs. “Are you telling me I look bad?”
“Of course not honey,” my mom said. “We are telling you that you deserve to be pampered.”
“Yes, I do, and I thank you. I just remembered I do have one gift for all of you. If you would step back and sit down, I’ll give it to you.”
I know what Diane intends to do, and I hold my breath and anxiously wait for the surprise. It takes Diane a minute or so to get out of the chair, and when she reaches for the walker, she takes a step back and moves it out of her way. My nerves are raw as I wait for Diane to take her first steps unaided. Kellie and Joey are watching her intently.
“I have been working really hard with Linda and Patti for the past two and a half weeks to get to this point in my therapy. And now, I intend to walk to the dining room table and back again to the chair, without the wa
lker. Ethan, will you stand behind me just in case I need you?”
I nod in agreement because my throat closed with emotion, and I do not want my children to see me cry. I walk two steps behind Diane as she slowly walked to the dining room, around the table twice, and back to the living room, where everyone surrounds her with hugs and kisses. The rest of the day passes quickly, and by nine at night, everyone is ready to go to bed, myself included. Once the children are in bed, and my parents have gone home, Diane and I sit in front of the fireplace.
“Thank you for today, Ethan. Everything was just wonderful, and I am so happy that I could eat dinner with all of you.”
“I’m happy too, honey. I know you have worked very hard the past month, and I am so proud of you. I predict by this time next month; you’ll be able to walk with a cane.”
“Oh, that would be so wonderful, Ethan. The whirlpool really helps strengthen my legs.”
“Speaking of the whirlpool, I caught you walking on it last night. When I parked the car, I saw the light on, and I peeked through the glass and saw you walking.”
“Why didn’t you say anything to me?”
“I know you, and the nurses have kept secrets from me, and I suspected that what you did today is one of them. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise by telling you what I saw.”
“You’re a little sneaky, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I am. How do you feel honey?”
“I feel relaxed Ethan. I haven’t felt this comfortable since I came home.”
“Do you want to watch a little TV?”
“No, I want you to tell me a little about our life together. Tell me a Christmas story.”
I have to think for a few minutes, and then I remembered our first Christmas as a married couple. This is the perfect memory to end, in my opinion, a perfect day. “Sitting here with you in front of the fire reminds me of our first Christmas as a married couple. We had no money, and I mean we were broke. I was still in residency, and you just started a new job at the high school as a substitute teacher. We agreed that we would not buy each other presents because we were saving for the down payment on our first home. We had only been married a little over four months. Mom and Dad invited us to sleep over and spend Christmas day with them. After my parents had gone to bed, we sat in front of the fire, as we are now, toasted marshmallows, and you made smores. At midnight, you reached into your handbag and pulled out a small gift box.” I unbuttoned my pajama top to show her the gift. “You bought this for me for our first Christmas. This is St. Luke, the Patron Saint of Doctors. The only time I remove this is when I am in the operating room. You see, my love, you are always with me. I also had a gift for you, and if you give me a minute, I’ll run upstairs and get it for you.”
I run up to our bedroom, open Diane’s jewelry box, and take out my gift to her. After so many years, it still looks perfect to me. I want Diane to wear it again. When I reach the last step, I take a minute to watch my wife as she relaxes in front of the fire. The glow of the flames shimmer around her, and God, she looks so beautiful. I sit next to her, open my hand, and show her a gold heart shaped locket on a thin chain. Attached to the necklace is a little key. “I gave this to you for our first Christmas, and I want you to wear it again on the first Christmas of our new life together. The locket represents my heart, and you hold the key, honey.”
With shaking hands, I secure the chain around her beautiful neck. Diane’s hand comes up to caress the locket, and I see tears in her eyes. Neither of us says anything. I pull her close to me, close my eyes, and end the day with my wife in my arms. This is the perfect ending to the perfect day.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Diane
I haven’t been able to sleep all night, and I feel terrible that I’ve kept Ethan awake also. I’m nervous about my appointment with the psychologist in the morning. I know it’s time to face what happened to me, but talking with a stranger unsettles me. Ethan has been so patient with me since I came home, and I know we’ve spoken about this, but now that I have to face it, I’m scared. I don’t know how talking about what happened in the park will affect me emotionally.
“If you bounce around darling, you will toss me out of bed. Do you want a cup of tea?”
“That sounds good. I’ve given up on sleeping tonight.”
“Are you hungry? Do you want a little snack?”
“That sounds good. Just bring up a couple of cookies.”
It’s time to face reality, and while I’ve had the past several weeks to recover physically, my emotional health is fragile. I try to keep a smile on my face, but the memories of that awful night haunt me. Ethan and I decided that we would not talk about it until we meet with the therapist. I do not want that ugliness in our home. I do not want my children to see me upset. Joey starts the new semester in a few days, and Kellie is bouncing around the house with a smile on her face and an adorable dog that follows her everywhere. I want my children to be happy.
Ethan returns to our bedroom with a tray loaded with food. “I said a couple of cookies, not the entire refrigerator!” I can’t help but laugh at the expression on his face.
“What? It’s not that much food. I just have a few cookies, cheese and crackers, some pound cake, and tea. We can’t watch television in bed without eating something. It’s tradition honey.”
“What the hell, pass the food and turn on the lights. I need to see what I’m eating.”
“What are we watching?” Ethan asks as he places the tray on the bed.
I pass the remote to him. “I have no idea. Find something good for me to watch while I make a pig of myself.”
Ethan scrolls through the channels until he comes to a comedy channel, and we watch something called Blue Collar Comedy. The two of us laugh so much, and several minutes later, there is a knock on the bedroom door. It’s Joey.
“What the heck is going on in there? I can hear you laughing in my room, and guess what? I see Kellie coming out of her room.”
Ethan yells out to them. “Come in and join the party.”
Something shifted inside of me as I sit in bed with Joey on my left, and Kellie on my right. They picked at the food on the tray, and together we watch television until they fall asleep. Surprisingly, Ethan and I managed to catch a few hours’ sleep.
The next time I open my eyes, Ethan and I are alone in the bed, our bodies wrapped around each other with the sun peeking through the curtains. Whatever happens today, I know in my heart that I have my family to catch me if I fall.
Ethan
The drive to the hospital is a quiet one. Diane has been picking at an invisible piece of lint on her coat for the past ten minutes. Every time I look over at her, she is wringing her hands together so hard, her knuckles are white. I already know today will be a shitty day. We made the decision not to talk about what happened in the park because Diane had so much on her plate. I did not feel the added stress of discussing it would be good for her. When I park the car, I reach over to hold her hand.
“Are you nervous honey?”
“Yeah, I’m a little jumpy. No, that’s a lie. I’m terrified of talking about it.”
I turn to face her. “I want you to remember that we are in this together, honey. You’ve made such significant progress since Thanksgiving, and I won’t lie and say today will be easy for either of us. I still don’t know all of what happened to you, and honestly, I’m scared too. When you hurt, I hurt also. It’s not easy for me knowing I wasn’t there to protect you. Let’s get through the appointment, and then we’ll go somewhere quiet, just the two of us, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Let’s get this over with.”
Diane
I feel like I’m walking to my execution. As soon as Ethan wheels me into the hospital, I can’t breathe. I’m back in the wheelchair, and I don’t like it, but the walk from the car, through the parking garage and into the hospital is too much for me. I hate this fucking chair. I hate that I’m once again in a hospital, and I especially hate how I feel n
ow. I feel my nervousness ramp up as we approach the doctor’s office.
“I don’t know if I can do this! Please don’t leave me alone with her! I want you to be in the room with me. Please, Ethan, I’m afraid.”
“I’ll be with you, honey. Please, try to calm down. We can’t avoid this any longer, and the sooner we talk about it, the sooner we can deal with it. Just take a few deep breaths, and try to calm down.”
“Not happening anytime soon, Ethan. I’m too nervous right now, and no amount of breathing will help me. I just want to get this over with and go home.”
“I’m right there with you honey.”
When we enter the waiting room, the nurse greets us at once.
“You must be Dr. and Mrs. Miller. Hello, my name is Evelyn. Please take a seat, and the doctor will be with you shortly.”
Less than five minutes later, I see her walk into the reception area. She walks over to Ethan and shakes his hand.
“Hello Dr. Miller, it’s good to see you again. Mrs. Miller, it’s a pleasure meeting you. My name is Marilyn Carpenter. Please follow me, and I’ll take you back to one of the session rooms.”
I don’t know what I thought I would see in a phycologist’s office. However, I wasn’t expecting the beautiful room that we entered. Soft pastel colors fill the room. Large plush furniture occupied the space. The room is nice. There are several plants on the windowsill, and soft music plays in the background. In front of the sofa is a table with water and coffee, along with cookies.
“Wow, this room is lovely,” I say to Marilyn.
She smiles at me. “Yes, it is. I have a similar room for my male patients. I find that it relaxes the patient if they are in a soothing environment.”
Ethan helps me out of my chair, and once I sit on the sofa, I relax a little. The atmosphere in the room is very calming. Ethan sits next to me and wraps his arm around me, securing me tightly against his warm body.
“If you don’t mind Diane, I’m going to ask you some questions and take notes about what you say so I can keep it fresh in my memory. I have reviewed your case file, and I understand the reason why you are here today. If I say or ask anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or brings up a bad memory, please stop me. It is not my intention to upset you. We are here today to address the issues currently going on in your life.”