I want to die and end this emptiness.
Ethan
We have made it through the week, and Diane continues to progress in her recovery. Today is the day that we remove the respirator. If Diane can breathe without assistance, she is one step closer to recovery. I had a very intense conversation with my in-laws last night. They are not happy that I’ve kept them from visiting Diane. I think they’ve reached the end of their patience. Honestly, I don’t understand their sudden concern for a child they so casually discarded years ago.
“You are being unreasonable Ethan,” Wiliam said in his annoying authoritative tone. “It’s been a week. My daughter has not suffered a setback. I think it’s time to allow us to visit her.”
I will not cave in my resolve. Diane will have no visitors until she is awake and off the respirator. I also have to consider her feelings towards her parents. Will she want them in her room? Will she welcome their visit? Until I am sure, I do not want them in her room. It’s that simple.
“We’ve had this same discussion several times this week, William. You should understand and accept why I have restricted access. I can’t run the risk of Mersa. Diane has numerous cuts in addition to the incisions. Do you expect me to put her life in danger?”
“Well, no but…”
“I don’t want to hear it! She is my first and only concern. There will be plenty of time for visitation. Please, stop pressuring me! I can’t take it anymore!” I get up and leave the room. I can still hear Diane’s parents talking, and as I pace back and forth, I try desperately to calm down. My father is the voice of reason in this insanity that has become my life.
“Ethan is right. The operation was complicated, and Diane needs a fighting chance. Why would you risk her health by being unreasonable? She is still on the respirator. She still has the drain in her scalp. That is an open invitation for an infection. Until Jerry removes the port and she can breathe without assistance, we need to keep our distance. She is also my daughter. It kills me not being able to see her, but I understand and accept that Ethan is her proxy. His decision is final.”
Thank God for my father. I would go insane without him. I can hear Barbara complaining that I am unreasonable. I don’t want to be unreasonable. I only want what is best for my wife. Let’s see what happens tomorrow. Jerry wants to attempt to disconnect the respirator. I still haven’t told them yet. Maybe now I can, and hopefully, it will ease their anxiety, and get them the fuck off my back. I wish they would go home. Their sudden concern for Diane is pissing me off. When I return to the living room, William approaches me cautiously.
“I’m sorry Ethan. I’m just upset and scared for my daughter. Can you understand how Barbara and I feel? She is our only child.”
“Of course, I understand. Diane is also my wife and the mother of my children. I only want what’s best for her, to give her every opportunity to heal without complications. Please sit, we still have something to discuss.” Once we are all seated again, I finish my conversation, hoping there will be no further arguments. “I wasn’t going to say anything until tomorrow, but Jerry wants to attempt to disconnect the respirator. We had another CT scan done yesterday morning, and there is no sign of residual swelling. The port is running clear of blood, and he is removing that today. From what we can see, there should not be any complications tomorrow. This is good news everyone. Diane is one step closer to being brought out of the coma.”
Everyone takes a few moments to say a silent prayer, including me. Later that night, after speaking to my children, I try in vain to sleep. This terrible emptiness is crippling me. I haven’t slept more than a few hours a night all week, and if I don’t get some serious sleep soon, my legs will collapse under me. It’s around two in the morning when I hear my bedroom door open. The light from the hallway hits me in the eyes, and I see both of my children standing in the doorway.
“Why are the two of you up so late? It’s two in the morning.”
Joey is holding Kellie in his arms. “She had a nightmare and ran into my room. Can we sleep with you?”
My heart swells with a love so pure, so genuine, that it renders me speechless. I throw back the bedding and move to the center of the bed. We’ve done this many times over the years. Joey on one side, and Kellie on the other. We would watch cartoons, and eat muffins every Sunday morning. It was our ritual, just the three of us. I have my arms wrapped around both of my children. It’s the most peaceful I’ve felt all week, and I pray to all that is holy for a few hours of refreshing sleep. I got my wish because the next time I open my eyes, Kellie is lying on my chest, Joey’s leg has me trapped, and I couldn’t be happier. A light tapping on the door has my attention.
“Ethan, where are the children?”
I don’t want to yell and wake them, so I remain quiet. A few seconds later, the door opens, and my mother smiles at me. I raise a finger to my lips as a sign to be quiet. I want to enjoy this moment for as long as I can. She closes the door, and I drift off again. The next time I open my eyes, Kellie is still on my chest, only now she is staring at me. She looks so much like her mother.
She whispers, “Daddy, how did I get here?”
Joey is also awake, and he is in no hurry to move. “Don’t you remember, munchkin?”
“No. Did you kidnap me?”
“Why on earth would I do that?”
“Because you miss me?”
I can hear Joey laughing under the pillow. God, the sound of happy children, is like a balm to my soul.
“So, why am I here, Daddy?”
“You had a scary dream and went into Joey’s room. He carried you in here and, well, I wanted the two of you to keep me company. Did you sleep well, sweetheart?”
“Yeah. You make a good pillow.”
“And the two of you are the best children anyone could ask for, and I love both of you so very much.”
Kellie laughs. “Daddy’s getting mushy!”
When I turn my head to look at Joey, there are tears in his eyes. I pat his leg, and he understands my simple gesture. He buries his head under the pillow again to regain his composure. I feel his hand reach out to touch mine. A simple touch can speak a thousand words, and all of them are filled with love.
*****
The sounds of laughter greet me when I walk into the kitchen, and it feels like a punch in the gut because Diane’s chair is empty. Everyone has already eaten breakfast, and it’s just the kids at the table. The past week has brought Joey and Kellie closer together. Stress has a way of breaking down walls and brings people closer together. Joey hasn’t interacted much with Kellie the past few years. His patience wears thin, and unfortunately, he projects that towards Kellie when she annoys him. Today, however, they are as close as thieves.
He’s making silly faces at her, and her sweet innocent laughter fills the room. They don’t see me standing in the doorway, and I stay quiet because I want to enjoy these few precious moments of relaxed laughter. My need for food soon replaces my enjoyment, and I interrupt them. “You two are awfully noisy this morning.”
I swear when Kellie turns around to look at me, every muscle in my body relaxes. Her face is covered with whipped cream and dotted with, what the hell is that, sprinkles? I quickly grab my phone out of my pants pocket and snap a picture. Diane will love seeing this when she wakes up.
“Kellie honey, I’m almost afraid to ask why you have whipped cream on your face. And please, give me the abbreviated version.” Kellie stands and places her hands on her hips. Oh boy, this is going to be good.
“Well, you see, it’s like this. Granny made a super huge pile of my favorite pancakes, and I wanted whipped cream and sprinkles instead of syrup. So, I um, so, I um….”
I can see her struggling to come up with a plausible lie. It’s quite funny. “Yes, you were saying…”
“Oh, um….well, he dared me, Daddy! He dared me to smash my face in the whipped cream, and I did it. Am I in trouble, cause it’s his fault. He dared me!”
Joey’s eyes are tearing. “I
never thought she’d do it, Dad. Who smashes their face in their breakfast?”
I walk to the sink, grab a few paper towels, wet them, and wipe the cream off of her face. “You’re not in trouble honey. Sit down and eat your breakfast.”
“Granny made a plate for you, and they’re in the oven warmer.”
My stomach is doing a happy dance. My mother makes the best pancakes. After we finish eating, I gather everyone in the family room. I need to discuss with the children what will happen today.
“I want to go over again what will happen today. Uncle Jerry removed the tube that helped Mom’s wound. Later this morning, he will detach Mom from the machine that helps her to breathe. I know this sounds scary, but Uncle Jerry and I will be with her the entire time. In Mom’s case, he wanted to make sure she had enough time to heal from the surgery, and the machine breathed for her. Uncle Jerry will turn it off for a short period, maybe a minute or two. Mom will stay connected, but she will have a few moments to breathe on her own. If she can successfully do that, he will turn it off.”
Joey asks, “What happens if she can’t breathe?”
“If that should happen, and I see no reason why it should, we will figure out what is causing her to have difficulty breathing.”
Kellie looks horrified, and I squat down to kneel in front of her. “Are you worried about Mommy, honey?”
She’s crying and reaches out to me. “I’m afraid Daddy. Will it hurt Mommy?”
“No honey. Mommy will still be asleep. Do you remember when I said Uncle Jerry gave her medicine to help her sleep? We will give her medicine, so she will sleep and have sweet dreams. No one will hurt Mommy.” This explanation calms her somewhat. I don’t want anyone to see that I’m terrified, and I say a silent prayer everything goes smoothly.
Chapter Seven
Diane
It’s so lonely where I am now. How long have I been here?
I feel like I fade in and out. Sometimes I hear voices; sometimes I hear nothing.
Every time I struggle to break free of the darkness, something pulls me back.
Today I feel different. I hear a lot of voices around me.
Hands are touching me. What’s happening now?
Why can’t I open my eyes?
*****
“Are we ready?” I hear Jerry ask the nurse standing by Diane’s bed, while I pace the length of the hallway. Jerry does not want me in the room, and I can understand why. I’m sweating like a pig. I know the procedure. I’ve done this many times over the years, but today is different. Today, my wife is the patient. As I lean against the wall outside of her room, I listen to the unmistakable pumping sound of the respirator. I’m frozen in place as I stare at the floor. Please, please breathe baby. I look into the room and see Jerry, his hand on the button, ready to re-start it if she cannot breathe.
That doesn’t happen. The steady rise and fall of her chest continue. One minute becomes three, which turns into ten minutes. I am going out of my mind, and when I walk into the room, Jerry pats me on the back, expelling an audible sigh of relief. I leave the room again to allow the nurses to remove the apparatus from her throat. I don’t want to watch it. One hurdle down. The next step is to gradually reduce the medication over the next few days.
Jerry follows me out of the room. “I don’t mind telling you I was about to shit my pants. I’m so relieved Diane is off the respirator, Ethan. This is a good sign.”
“Yeah, it is.” My throat is so tight that getting any words out of my mouth is damn near impossible. I’m fighting the tears that have been so close to the surface all week. I’ll have time to cry later. I hear Jerry talking to me, but I haven’t listened to a word he’s said. My mind cannot focus, but I did hear, “If all goes according to schedule, Diane will be awake by Monday.” My legs turn to rubber, and I sink to the floor. Jerry sits down next to me and pats my knee.
“I know you’ve been keeping it together for the kids. Relax a little Ethan; it’s okay. Diane still has a long recovery, but the worse is over.”
“It won’t be over until she’s home with me, lying in my arms. I can’t sleep, Jerry. I feel like a part of me is missing. I miss her. I lay in bed and subconsciously roll over, expecting a soft, warm body to comfort me. The kids slept with me last night, and it’s the first good night’s sleep I’ve had all week.”
“You too are joined at the hip.”
“Yes, we are, and that frightens me. When did I become so dependent that I can’t function without my wife?”
Jerry laughs. “The day you said, I do.”
Memories of my wedding day flood my mind. “Best goddamn day of my life.”
*****
Four days later
Something is happening to me. The darkness is disappearing.
I see fragments of light. I’m so excited!
Am I finally leaving this place? My body feels lighter.
I see the light flashing before me. I feel hands touching me again.
Soft hands. Caressing hands. Who is touching me?
This touch feels familiar and at the same time not.
I’m confused. My head hurts.
I open my eyes and see several people looking down at me.
My mouth is dry. I try to speak, but I can’t form the words.
My mind knows what I want to say, but I can’t communicate.
I blink several times as I try to focus my eyes.
A handsome man is staring down at me.
He’s speaking to me.
“Hello, sweetheart. Welcome back. We’ve missed you.”
Who is this person? How does he know me? Who am I?
I raise my arm and push him away. He looks hurt.
I don’t want him touching me.
I try forming the words again, and this time, I can barely get out what I want to say.
“Who… are… you?”
It’s all too much for me, and I lose consciousness again.
I feel safer in the darkness.
I want to stay in the darkness where I belong.
I hear voices again. Angry voices.
The man is upset.
Chapter Eight
Ethan
Jerry grabs my arm and forcibly drags me from Diane’s room. It’s best not to argue in front of her. “She doesn’t know who I am, Jerry. What the hell happened?” Jerry is confused as I am.
“I don’t know. It could be a side effect of the medication. Give her time to come out of it.”
“How much time?”
“Ethan, you know as well as I do that post-operative confusion is normal after a traumatic injury.”
“This is not confusion. My wife doesn’t know me! You need to figure this the fuck out soon!”
“Ethan; calm down! If you go in there with this attitude, you will scare her. She is my patient. If you can’t keep it together, stay out of her room. The last thing I want any of us to do is to scare her. It’s obvious the injury has affected her memory. Keep your distance until I can assess the situation.”
It takes every ounce of willpower I have to walk away from her. I give my brother the time he needs to complete his examination. I send a text to my father.
We have a problem.
My father immediately responds. What’s happened?
Diane doesn’t know who I am. We think she has amnesia.
It takes a few seconds for him to respond. How bad is it? You do know this could be related to the medication.
Yeah, I know, but I don’t think that’s the problem. Diane’s eyes did not recognize me. I feel it, Dad. Something is terribly wrong.
Do you need me there with you son?
No, stay with the family. Don’t say anything until we know the extent of Diane’s memory loss.
Ok. Keep me informed.
*****
I have spent the past ten days waiting patiently, and I’m sick of it. I can’t sit still. I need to do something, anything, to distract me. I only know of one place that can calm me. The hospita
l has a small chapel on the ground floor, and I need the solitude to calm my mind. The ‘what if’s’ are eating away at me. What if my wife doesn’t remember us? What if she never regains her memory? What if she doesn’t love us? What if she wants to leave us?
The chapel is quiet, and I sit on the bench near the door and succumb to the tears. In my mind’s eye, I see my life flash before me. The years of dating in college. The first time we made love. Our wedding day. The birth of our children. The many nights laying in the dark holding each other. The tender touches in the dark. The feeling of making love to my wife. Feeling her pulse around me, taking me to the one place I crave most, the one place that I only want to share with her. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here when I feel a hand on my shoulder. It’s Jerry. He sits next to me, and by the look on his face, I already know something is terribly wrong with my wife.
“I knew I’d find you here. You always come here when you are troubled. Are you okay?”
“Am I okay? My entire world is crumbling around me, and you are asking me if I’m okay? I’m not, Jerry, and I have never been this afraid in my entire life. Have you finished your examination? What’s the prognosis?”
“Diane is awake, but there is a problem. I asked her the fundamental questions. What year is it? Who is the current president? What is your husband’s name? How many children do you have? What are your parent’s names? She could not answer any of these questions. Ethan, she is terrified to the point of hysteria. You need to speak to her.”
“What do you expect me to say to her? ‘Hi, I’m the husband you don’t remember?’ God, this is a nightmare. How do I tell my children their mother doesn’t remember them? I need to know if this is temporary.”
“You know as well as I do that an injury to the cerebral cortex can affect the memory. Can I tell you that it’s temporary? No, I can’t Ethan. We need to take this one day at a time.”
I sound like a selfish bastard complaining when my wife is frightened. I need to see Diane. On my way to her room, I gather the courage necessary to face my family. My father looks at me, and he knows. He knows this will not be a pleasant conversation. From the look on my face, everyone knows something is wrong. Kellie sits on my lap, and Joey sits next to me. I need my children near me. I need this connection.
“Diane is awake and breathing without assistance, which is excellent news, but we do have a problem.” I am struggling to explain this to them. It’s so incredibly difficult, and my father steps in to help me.