“Also, she wants to see the two of you tomorrow after Jerry removes the casts. She wishes to know you, and I think this is a good idea. We need to make new memories, and not dwell so much in the past. This is a fresh start for Diane, and we want her to be happy, don’t we?”
Everyone agrees, and I feel an immense sense of relief. Later that night, Joey comes into my room. I look at the clock. It’s past midnight.
“Why are you up so late?”
“I have a problem, and I couldn’t sleep.”
I pat the mattress, and he climbs into bed with me. He’s been doing this a lot lately. “What’s wrong Joey? You know you can talk to me.”
“Some of the kids at school are asking questions. I haven’t discussed what happened to Mom with many of my friends. It’s getting around school now because one of the teachers told her daughter, and now everyone is coming at me, and I don’t know what to say to them.”
“Do you feel uncomfortable talking about your mother to your friends?”
“Yeah, I do feel a little uncomfortable. How do I tell everyone that my mom doesn’t know me?”
I am angry that one of the teachers put my son in the awkward position of having to talk about a private family matter. “You tell anyone who asks that your mother had a serious car accident, and she is recovering. If they press you further, say that you do not discuss private family issues.”
“Dad, are you scared Mom will never remember us?”
I tell my son the truth. “I’m terrified Joey, but I need to remain optimistic because if I don’t, I’ll lose my mind. We need to be strong for her. Keep this between the two of us. I don’t want your sister to be upset. She’s too young to understand fully.”
“Is it okay if I sleep here tonight?”
“Yes, it’s okay son. I want you here with me. It’s the only way I can sleep.”
Chapter Seventeen
Diane
It is three in the morning, and I am still awake. In a few hours, the casts will be removed, then what happens? Eventually, I will have to go home, but it’s not my home. I don’t remember it, and I’m afraid to be alone with them. I know Ethan loves me. I can see it in his eyes, in the way he talks to me, and the way he takes care of me. The children are another issue. I’m afraid to see them today, but I have to face the fact that I may never regain my memory. It’s very odd because I remember everything since I woke up from the operation. I have perfect recall. It feels like there is a wall in my mind that I cannot get past.
I have so much to re-learn. My psychologist spoke to me yesterday about occupational therapy. Dr. Griffith said that it would help me to function in my day to day life. I can’t remember what my day to day life was like before the accident. Ethan told me I was a teacher. I must have been intelligent. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be a teacher. I feel stupid and insecure. Reading is an effort for me. I get frustrated when I can’t pronounce the words. It is like my mind is seeing things backward. Nothing makes sense, and I hope that with continued therapy, this will change. My mind is thinking clearly. I know what I want to say, but when I try to communicate, something blocks me. It is so frustrating, and I want to scream…why me? Why did this happen to me? Why was my life taken away from me? Without memories, I am nobody.
How can they love me? Will they love me? Will they treat me differently when they see I am not the same person I was before the accident? Will they be patient with me when I stumble? I have so many questions to ask and no real answers. I am starting to believe that I have no place in this world. What happens when I see someone who knew me before the accident? Will I have to repeatedly explain why I do not remember them? I can’t live my life in this way. I feel like a prisoner in my mind, and I am trapped in a dark place with no light. I close my eyes and will myself to calm down.
*****
I feel someone touching my arm. When I open my eyes, the room is no longer dark, and the morning nurse is poking at me again. I look up at the nurse and ask, “Do you enjoy poking me with a needle?”
Carol, the morning nurse, laughs at me. “Not really, but I have a job to do. One last sample before we ship you to rehab. You should be happy to leave us. This is good news, Diane. You are on the road to recovery.”
“I’m afraid, Carol. I still have no memory. What is going to happen to me?”
Carol sits on the bed next to me and holds my hand. “I know you are scared Diane, but I want you to remember one thing, okay? You are still a young woman. You have many years ahead of you. I know your family loves you. I have seen them pace the length of the hallway for several weeks, especially Dr. Miller. When I start my shift in the morning, I see him sometimes sitting on the floor outside your door. He looks like your personal security guard. He’s watching over you, Diane.”
“I know the future looks scary when you no longer remember the past. You can make new memories, new moments to treasure. You have been given a second chance at life, Diane. Welcome it with open arms, because even though you are anxious, imagine what would happen to your family had you not survived the accident. Imagine what their lives would be like without you.”
My eyes burn as I absorb her words. “I never thought of it that way. Thank you, Carol. You have helped me to realize that I am very lucky. You should be my psychologist!”
Carol takes a notepad out of her pocket and writes her cell number on it. “This is my cell phone number. If you want to talk to me, please call. When you are fully recovered, we can go to lunch and the mall. I call it a girls day out. You have a new friend Diane. I admire your strength and courage. It’s not easy accepting your new reality, but I know you will be okay. You have a great support system and a family that cherishes you. Open your eyes and honestly look at them. You will see the love.”
I hug Carol with my one good arm, and she smiles at me. “If I do not see you again before they transfer you, best of luck to you Diane. I know you will be okay.”
Ethan
Carol sees me standing outside my wife’s room, and she knows that I overheard their conversation. I lean in and whisper to her, “You are an angel. I heard every word, and cannot express my gratitude. Diane will need a friend when she’s home with us. You have a standing invitation to dinner.”
“I hope that what I said to her resonates. She is a nervous wreck. She’s afraid of everything. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I lost my memories.”
“The kids are coming today after school to see her. I’m worried even though she asked to see them.”
“Be patient, and take it one day at a time. If you need me to visit her in rehab, let me know. She is a lovely woman. You are lucky to have her.”
“Yes, I am, and I plan on telling her that every day for the remainder of my life.”
I plaster a smile on my face and walk into her room. She looks different today, more settled? Maybe her conversation with Carol helped more than I thought it would. I smile at her. “Are you ready to be free from these shackles?” I knock my knuckles against the cast on her leg.
Diane laughs. “You have no idea how happy I will be to get out of this bed.”
“Jerry should be here in a few minutes. Once he removes the casts, I’ll have one of the nurses help you take a shower.”
“That would be wonderful. I feel a little dirty.”
“How are you feeling today? Are you nervous about seeing Kellie and Joey?”
“I was nervous a few hours ago, but I had a pleasant conversation with Carol before you got here, and she helped me to see that I am very lucky to have survived the accident. She put a lot of things into perspective for me. I can’t worry about what I lost. I have to focus on my future, no matter how uncertain it may be.”
“I hope you know that no matter what happens down the line, we will always be here to help you. It won’t be easy coming home. I know you will have days when you will feel depressed. That’s natural considering what has happened to you. I want you to promise me that if you ever feel sad, you will talk to one of us. My parent
s will be permanent fixtures in our house for the foreseeable future.”
“What about my parents? Do they want to see me now?”
Shit, how do I tell Diane that her parents are not speaking to me? How much does she know about what happened in the operating room? I need to talk to my brother, now!
“William and Barbara have difficulty accepting what has happened. They need space for the time being, but I’ll speak to them once you’re in rehab. Do you want to see them?”
“I guess I should see everyone. I can’t avoid it any longer.”
“That’s good Diane. Let me find Jerry, and we can get these casts removed. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“Okay. It’s not like I’m going anywhere!”
I page Jerry and wait for him to call me. Five minutes later, we meet at the nurse's station. “Before you see Diane, I need to know how much she knows about the operation. How much did you tell her?”
“I did not tell her anything, but she will need to know before she leaves the hospital. I didn’t want to upset her so soon after coming out of the coma. The past few weeks have been stressful, and I did not want to put further stress on her. If you want me to, we can tell her after the casts are removed.”
“I think you should tell her now. I don’t want our parents or hers to let something slip and blindside her. Let’s do it now.”
*****
“It feels good having the casts removed, even though my leg looks disgusting. What are these black bumps on my leg?”
“That’s ingrown hair, Diane. I’ll ask the nurse to bring in a loofa sponge when you take a shower. She can help you remove the dead skin, and that should release the hair follicles on your leg.”
“My leg looks funny. Will it always look this way?”
“No. Once you start physical therapy, you will regain muscle tone. It will take a few months before your leg looks healthy.”
Jerry looks at me, and I know it’s time to tell Diane the truth. I sit next to her on the bed and hold her hand. “Diane, we need to discuss your medical history since the accident. A lot happened that day, and we did not want to discuss it until you recovered and can understand.”
She looks at me, and I see fear. “What else happened to me? Please, Ethan, I need to know everything. Please don’t lie to me. I need to know the truth.”
“We haven't lied to you, Diane. You were not mentally able to hear the truth when you came out of the coma. You needed time to recover, and now that you have, we can discuss it.”
“You had life-threatening injuries when the EMT’s wheeled you into the emergency room. Everything happened quickly. Jerry ordered a CT scan, which is an x-ray of the brain, and he had to operate immediately. You had cranial bleeding, and if we did not repair it quickly, you could have hemorrhaged. I was in the room for most of the operation. I saw no signs that you were in distress. Your blood pressure and heart rate were all within the normal ranges. It all happened so quickly. One minute Jerry was operating, and the next, you flat lined. The attending doctors and nurses had to defibrillate your heart twice.”
“You stopped breathing Diane. I was never more afraid in my entire life than I was as I watched you fight for your life. Jerry could not lose focus on what he was doing. The whole team saved you honey, and until the day I die, I will always be grateful for what they did that day. This is the main reason why we decided to keep you in a drug induced coma for almost two weeks. Your body needed the time to recover from the trauma, and being asleep took the stress from your body.”
Diane
My brain cannot understand what Ethan has just told me. My God, I did almost die, twice! It is a miracle I am alive. How is this possible? I almost died! Ethan is watching me. He is waiting for me to react to this bombshell. I feel like my head is about to explode. I reach up to touch my head. I had the bandages removed a few days ago, and Carol gave me a few scarves to cover my bald head. I take off the scarf and run my hand along the top of my head. I feel a few hairs growing now, and the sensation feels funny.
When I say nothing, Ethan bumps my shoulder. “What are you thinking, Diane? Talk to me.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me what is going through your mind.”
“I am so afraid of everything, Ethan. How can I live my life with nothing to tie me to this earth! My life is a blank page, with no beginning, no middle, and a definite ending. I am no one. I have a name with no history. I have a family with no connection. I have parents who can’t accept the new me. How am I supposed to react? It’s just too much for me. I can’t take the stress of the unknown. I just want to die!”
Ethan
For the first time since the accident, I am worried that Diane may do something to hurt herself. It kills me hearing her say that she wants to die. I take my phone from my pocket, open the photo app, and scroll through hundreds of pictures. I am angry, and I don’t hide it from her.
“Look at these fucking pictures. There are hundreds of them on my phone. You have a history. You have a future, and that future is with your husband and children. I don’t give a fuck if you never remember us. We are your family, and nothing will change that fact. If I ever hear you say you want to die again, I will lose my fucking mind! Our children need their mother. I need my wife. You have so much to live for if you would just let us help you.”
“And how do you expect to help me? I must re-learn everything, Ethan! The only thing I retained is my speech, and if I didn’t have that, I would kill myself. At least I can communicate. How do you think our children will feel when they see their mother struggling to survive?”
“How will they feel? They will feel blessed to have their mother living under the same roof with them. Do you have any idea how they have struggled these past few months? They can’t sleep at night, especially Joey. He comes into my room almost every night and sleeps in bed with me. If you want to get your life back, you must understand that some things will be difficult, and the last thing anyone needs is to worry about you hurting yourself. You need to tell me if you want to come home with us. If you don’t, I will arrange for you to live somewhere else. It’s your choice.”
I get up and leave the room. I am so pissed off; I want to punch something. Jerry doesn’t follow me. I know what he is going to do, and right now, I don’t care.
Diane
“I don’t know what to say. Ethan is so angry with me. Why doesn’t he understand how I feel? I don’t need him screaming at me!”
“Diane, you need to understand something about my brother. He has loved you for most of his life. The two of you had a happy life, and to hear you say you want to die is too much for him to handle. He has practically lived at the hospital since the accident. He sits on the floor outside your room at night just to be near you. Kellie and Joey miss you terribly. You have so much to live for Diane, but if you refuse to adapt to your new life, you will never fully feel whole.”
“How do I do that Jerry? No one understands how I feel. My entire life is a blank page. If you think it’s easy to say, ‘Move on and accept what has happened,’ you’re crazy. I must face the future and all the people who know me. How hard do you think it will be for me to meet people every day who know me, and I will have to explain this repeatedly? I can’t live my life in a bubble, but that’s how it feels now. I want to hide from everyone.”
“Are you saying you don’t want to go home?”
“Yes, that’s what I am saying, but I don’t have a choice. I don’t want everyone putting pressure on me to hurry up and get better. It’s not going to happen quickly, and if I have added stress, it will just make me more anxious. I’d rather go somewhere else, but that is not a choice for me. I need to be able to relax and not have the added pressure of everyone hovering over me, expecting me to remember. My family may try to hide their feelings, but I know it’s there.”
“Do you want me to talk to Ethan?”
“No, not until he calms down.”
“What about the kids? They are coming here after school. Do you want to see them?”
“Yes. I don’t want to hurt Kellie and Joey by refusing to see them. It’s not the children’s fault their mother is defective.”
“Diane, you are not defective. That’s a cruel thing to say.”
“It may be cruel, but it’s the truth.”
Ethan
I can’t remember the last time I lost my temper with Diane. Why did it have to be today? The kids will be here in less than an hour, and I need to calm the fuck down. If they see me upset, they will know something is wrong. What a joke! Everything is wrong, and I do not see a happy future for any of us. Jerry texts me, and he wants to see me ASAP. Nothing good came from that conversation with my wife. Twenty minutes later, I am once again alone in my office; only this time, I am in shock. Diane doesn’t want to come home, and why am I not surprised? I had a gut feeling this would happen. She doesn’t feel comfortable around us, and until she does, it’s better for her to live somewhere else. I call my dad and tell him what has happened.
“It’s okay Ethan. Your mother and I will take care of it. We will move into the apartment over the garage, and Diane can have our bedroom.”
“I should be taking care of her, and not the two of you. I don’t understand any of this.”
“Ethan, you are a doctor, of course, you understand. Put yourself in her shoes. Without her memories, she has nothing to tie her to your home, the children, or anything else that was a part of her life. She feels disconnected, confused, and she fears the future. Imagine how she will feel living in a strange house that she knows is hers. Give her space and the freedom to adjust Ethan. Getting angry or frustrated doesn’t help anyone. You shouldn’t have yelled at her. It’s not her fault, son. She is the victim, and until she is willing to live with you, I want you to respect her decision.”
“You will do real harm if you force the situation. You will make Diane retreat further into herself if you force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Let’s get through rehab, and she can live with us. Your mother and I will help her with the occupational therapy. Don’t force it, Ethan, or you will lose her forever. I don’t mean to be harsh, but this is what we are dealing with for the next few months. Her mental state is fragile now. Any stress will push her over the edge. She should make the decision to come to you. Whether she does or doesn’t is up to her, not you.”