I’ve never tried haunting a computer before, but I’ve heard other ghosts talk about it. It should be a cinch.
I slide in through the charging outlet and find myself in a narrow space between two walls. One wall is clear, and through it I can see Raygin’s face, still calmly typing on the document behind me. She can’t see me. But she will see what I’m about to do…
I dive down to the space under the keys, and begin pulling down the right ones to make the sentence: Hi Raygin it’s Jamie
She gasps, then I have to evade keys crashing down all around me as she types. I take a peek at the screen to read: Are you a ghost?
I type: Yeah. Listen baby I still love you even though you dressed up as mustard and when you die I want you to be my true love. After a pause, I add, no hurry tho.
Raygin bursts into tears.
Another counselor walks in. “What’s wrong, Ms. Suede?”
Raygin slams the laptop shut.
My world goes black. I hear her muffled voice croaking, “I think there’s something wrong with my computer.”
Chapter Five
It’s time for lunch. Maybe now that India’s on break, she’ll be more amenable to friendly visits.
I drift over the assembly line of students in the dining hall, searching for Angie.
It’s not hard to spot the girl with the ghostly glow. She piles various variations of slop on her plate, and then goes to sit at a table by herself.
Before I can reach her, Professor Gruff appears. “Mind if I sit here?” he inquires, indicating the seat across from Angie.
She nods vigorously.
“Is that a yes, you mind? Or a yes, I can sit here?”
“Yes, Professor Gruff, you are welcome to sit there. As you can see, there’s not much competition for that seat.”
I hover over the table, close to the ceiling. No one ever looks up, so I should be fine.
“I don’t know why not,” he remarks, smiling as he sits down. “You’re a wonderful student and a charming young lady.”
“You’re flattering me!” Angie giggles.
I wonder if India is into this dude. Maybe she’s just trying to set Angie up with a hot orange-haired professor. But I’ve never known India to be that generous.
“Would you consider applying for the Mythology department’s summer abroad program? We’re going to France to search for the ghost of Marie Antoinette.”
“And what will you do, assuming you find this ghost?” Angie asks, leaning forward.
“We’ll vanquish her, of course! Marie Antoinette was a terrible person, and it’s no doubt she’s a terrible ghost as well.”
“Aren’t all ghosts terrible?”
I clench my teeth to avoid swooping down and covering her mouth. She can only make things worse for our kind by encouraging this menace.
“I told Ms. Suede I’d talk to her at lunch,” the professor says, standing and grabbing his tray. “But it was nice spending some time with you.”
Angie is speechless as the professor walks away.
Now’s my chance. To avoid attracting attention to the girl who talks to herself, I slip in through Angie’s ear and find India in the brain’s control center. Then I let her have it. “What are you doing?” I demand. “Talking to a ghost-hunter! Do you want to get us all vanquished?”
“He’s not a ghost-hunter,” India replies calmly. “He’s an enthusiast. I doubt he can really harm Ms. Antoinette, but I find it admirable that he’s so passionate about the subject.”
“Yeah – he’s passionate about killing you, India!”
“He can’t kill me; I’m already dead. Are you worried about me?” She shoots me an accusatory look.
“No! Yes! Of course I’m worried about you, India. I care about you. Don’t all older brothers look after their little sisters?” I creep toward her cautiously, opening my arms for a gentle hug.
She floats toward me. Then she yanks on my arm, pulling me up to the ear canal. She pushes me out before I can react to her unexpected strength and determination.
“India, I’m not finished with you!” I yell. I get ready to dive back into Angie’s ear.
Angie reaches into her backpack and pulls out a pair of earplugs. She sticks them in her ears.
Now I have no way of accessing India. No way of repairing our friendship. And no way of warning her that her obnoxious new crush is more dangerous than he looks.
As I head for the exit, I catch a pair of green eyes trained on me. Not on the objects around me – on me. Stanley looks very pensive. Alarmingly so.
Chapter Six
The best way to control this situation is to control Professor Gruff. Without a moment’s hesitation, I slip in through his left ear.
He’s currently seated across the table from Raygin.
She stabs a piece of tofu and swirls it around in miso sauce.
“What’s wrong, baby?” She looks so small and helpless I can’t refrain from using the endearing term.
Her eyes go wide. “Professor Gruff!”
“I apologize. Did I offend you?”
She blushes, smiling. “No, it’s just – I didn’t know you felt that way about me.”
“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, darling.” I lower my voice. “For one, I’m actually Jamie’s ghost, possessing Stanley. I swear it.”
For a moment, Raygin looks like a deer in headlights. Then she squints at me. “How could you possibly prove such a crazy claim?”
“I know all your secrets! Who else did you tell about your teddy bear, and that you crave chocolate ice cream with bacon when you’re upset, and that your first kiss was in preschool with a boy named Luis Alvarez?”
“Don’t say that so loud!” Raygin looks around nervously, but there’s no one nearby. “Listen, you creep. I don’t know how you got all this information about me, but Jamie’s dead. I’ve accepted that now.” She smiles, though tears are gathering at the corners of her eyes.
This is the second time I’ve made the gal cry in one day. Defeated, I seep out of Stanley’s ear.
As soon as I do so, Raygin reaches across the table to put her hand on Stanley’s.
“It can be hard to say goodbye,” she says softly. “Are you going through some issues you want to talk about? I won’t make you make an appointment at the counseling office.”
He grins and caresses her hand. “I guess you could say I have some issues.”
Why is it that as soon as I leave his body, she’s hitting on him? Clearly she’s still unstable. I’ll have to keep a close eye on her if I want her to be my Key to Paradise.
~~~
I decide to brave Stanley’s Dream alone tonight. Maybe I won’t even try to harvest it, but I need to see what’s going on in his polygamous, perverted mind. Maybe he’ll Dream of murdering ghosts. Or worse, of engaging in romantic behaviors with Angie. Or Raygin. Or both. Knowing what his plan is will help me sabotage him, whether he wants to get with India or hurt her. And there’s Raygin.
The Dream is set in a realistic reproduction of the UCLA dining hall. Stanley sits at the same table he was at today. Angie sits across from him, fluttering her eyelashes like a stereotypical flirt. She’s glowing, and her eyes are the black hue of India’s.
India seeps out of Angie’s body. The plump girl falls backwards to the ground. Meanwhile, India reaches into Angie’s backpack and pulls out a hamster.
“Heinz!” Stanley cries, reaching for the squealing rodent. “Please don’t hurt him,” he begs India.
She cackles wickedly. Then she proceeds to pull the hamster in her two hands, until he’s stretched long and thin. He hangs limply in her arms.
“Heinz! You’ve turned him into a ferret!” Stanley lunges at India. She goes intangible, and he flops down on the table. Then he spies the canister of salt next to his hand. “I’ll get you, you little vermin!”
It’s just a Dream, but I throw myself in front of India just in case. The salt doesn’t burn. I lick it off my a
rm, but of course I can’t taste the Dream condiment.
I can see myself dissolving. I’m not too concerned; after all, it’s only some guy’s hallucination. But now I know he knows about India, and he has plans for her. I have to go tell her.
Just before I skedaddle, a vision of Raygin prances up to meet Stanley. She nestles in his arms. “You killed that ghost dead,” she talks to him, in the same tone my mother used to use with our cat and her catnip mouse. “You are so brave and strong and gorgeous.”
I can no longer watch. I hurry to campus.
I check dorm rooms one by one until I see Angie sleeping and drooling on a messy bed.
India is out of the cumbersome living body, perched on a desk chair, poring over her Mythology book. When she detects my presence, she whirls, gripping the edge of the chair. “Jamie! I thought I told you to get lost!” She waves her hand like she’s shooing a fly away.
“Seriously, India, I have to talk to you.”
A glimmer of hope comes into her eyes. “Have you reconsidered what you told me earlier? About us?”
“What? No! This is about your new boyfriend. That professor is Dreaming of vanquishing you.”
She raises an eyebrow. “I get it, Jamie. You don’t want me, but no one else is allowed to have me either. Not even a perfectly sweet, affluent professor like Stanley.”
“No, you don’t get it. I’m trying to save your life.”
“Too late for that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m studying.”
I hesitate by the door.
“Do I have to use physical force on you again?” She beats her fist into her palm.
“I guess not,” I say. “It’s your death.” I slither under the door. I’ve got to get to the Lady Kate and get the rest of the crew on board before India’s ship is wrecked.
Chapter Seven
“Aww, India’s found love at last!” Tony croons. “Why would you want to get in the way of her happiness?”
“You don’t understand,” I protest. “The dude hates ghosts. And he also knows just where to find India.”
“Are you sure?” Harry asks me.
Proudly, I take out of my satchel the Dream I managed to lasso and harness myself after watching its content. The whole crew steps inside. In a few minutes, they’re back outside, grim expressions on their faces.
“What did I tell you?” I say. “Now let’s go defeat the ghost-hunter.”
“Okay,” Tony agrees, “but I still think you’re a bit jealous of this Stanley guy.”
I decide not to honor his remark with a response. Instead, I take the helm, watching the stars above fade as we descend on the bright city. I remember India’s eyes that first night we harvested one of Stanley’s Dreams… was she so happy because I was with her? Or was it because she had a crush on Stanley? And why do I care why she was happy?
~~~
We hide above the fluorescent lights until the end of class – Stanley’s branching out and lecturing about banshees this time.
When the students start flooding out the door, Stanley grabs Angie’s arm. “I’d like you to stay a few minutes, if that’s all right.”
“Sure. I’ve got nowhere to be for the next hour.”
“I know all about you, ghost.”
Angie stands, stiff as a toy soldier and pale as a beluga whale. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Professor.”
“Don’t play innocent, you little monster!” He sweeps her violently in his arms, glaring into her eyes. I know he can see her glow.
She gasps as he squeezes her harder.
“I have a few tricks up my sleeve to get you out of that innocent fatso.”
“Oh, no you don’t!” I call. I dive in front of Stanley’s face, baring my sword.
Angie wriggles out of the professor’s arms. India slips out her ear.
Stanley’s eyes light up when he sees me. “Ah, you again. I saw you haunting the dining hall the other day. Are you a friend of Angie’s possessor?”
“You could say that.” Though India can fly fine, I scoop her up in my arms to carry her out the window.
“If I ever see you ghosts on campus again, any of you, I’ll vanquish you!” swears the crazed professor.
Just then, the school principal walks in. “Professor Gruff! Are you feeling all right?”
When we reach the schooner, Harry says, “Well, that’s the last time I visit that school.”
Tony grunts in agreement.
“I can’t believe I fell for that jerk,” India says. Her voice cracks, and she gazes down at the city below. I walk up next to her, and I almost put my arm around her. Almost.
Chapter Eight
I can’t stay away from Raygin. Even though I know it’s a bad idea, a potentially fatal idea, I follow her into the dining hall sometimes. She seems to have a habit of sitting across from Stanley, at a table by themselves.
Meanwhile, Angie crouches in a lonely corner, her nose anxiously buried in a textbook.
One Tuesday afternoon, Raygin takes a deep breath and asks Stanley, “Do you believe in ghosts?”
“With all my heart and soul,” he answers. “They’re terrible pests.”
“I didn’t used to believe,” Raygin admits.
The professor frowns.
“But some strange things have been happening lately,” she continues. “And I’m starting to wonder if the legends are true.”
“I assure you they are,” Stanley says. “What strange things? Have the ghosts been bothering you?”
“Well, there was this one day when my dead boyfriend started typing a message on my laptop…”
“This dead boyfriend of yours… did he happen to be obsessed with pirates?”
“He was dressed as one when he died.” Her voice breaks on the last word.
“I think I’ve seen him haunting this campus. He’s a real troublemaker, that one.”
“And proud of it!” I can’t resist shouting.
Stanley jumps to stand and whirls to face me. “Speak of the devil,” he snarls.
“Jamie?” Raygin stares into the space around me, searching. “Is that you?”
I bolt from the dining hall.
Before I’m out the door, I can hear Stanley telling Raygin, “Not to worry, my dear. We’ll track down your dead boyfriend and his whole gang tonight.”
~~~
This evening, the crew’s lounging in the old abandoned apartment, throwing a late celebration of India’s deathiversary. When I reach them, the sun is just sinking behind the tall buildings, shooting orange light at the dark windows.
“We need to be ready to fight,” I announce. “Stanley Gruff is coming for us.”
The crew stares at me for a moment. India is the first to move. “I’ll get the weapons,” she says, darting toward the Lady Kate outside.
Several hours later, we’re all sitting with weapons in our laps, twiddling our thumbs. I hope Stanley comes to prove to the crew that their captain is sane. I also hope for a chance to whup his butt. But I’m not entirely sure the battle will go our way.
Just when Tony’s talking about possessing some living people so we can eat birthday cake, a shiny red car pulls up in front of the building.
Stanley steps out, trudges through the unruly grass, and hops through the window. He gestures for someone behind him to follow.
Cautiously, Raygin climbs over the sharp glass and lands lightly on the floor. She looks around, seeing nothing.
Stanley, on the other hand, stares right into my eyes. “You think you can torture Raygin,” he sneers. “You think you have a right to her, as her former boyfriend. I think you need a time-out.” He lays down a big sack, then extracts a vacuum cleaner. He points it at us.
“Stanley? What are you doing?”
He ignores Raygin.
India prepares to use her dagger, not that it would do any good. The rest of us head for the ceiling.
Stanley’s blocking the window. He points the vacuum cleaner up at us. It vro
oms on.
Art is the first to be sucked into the bag. Then comes Harry. Tony grabs onto India, and they’re both devoured. I hold onto the burnt-out chandelier as long as I can, but finally I find myself being pulled backwards by a current stronger than the ocean, a force I can’t fight. I bump up against India inside the red vacuum pouch.
“What’s he going to do to us now?” Tony asks no one in particular.
India calmly announces, “I read ahead in the textbook. After ghosts are captured in a vacuum cleaner, they can be drowned in laundry detergent. The drowning allegedly causes them to dissolve into soulless bubbles.”
“I’ve already drowned once,” I say, “and I’m not interested in doing it again.” I begin stabbing at the fabric around us with my sword.
India joins in with her dagger. But the effort doesn’t seem to have any effect.
“Stanley, are you trying to vanquish my boyfriend?” Raygin asks indulgently.
“He’s not your boyfriend anymore!” Stanley cries.
“Exactly. It took me years to realize that. But once I did, I was happy again. I was ready to move on with my life. You don’t need to obsess over the dead. They’re in another world. Why not let them be?”
“But – the pet cemetery – ghosts all around us –“
“Oh! Pets! That reminds me. I bought you a little present.” Raygin rummages in her purse.
I hear squealing – some of it comes from a rodent, some from a very excited man.
“I will call him Heinz II,” declares Stanley.
“Actually, I think the salesman told me it was a girl.”
“Oh.” After a pause, he decides, “Then I’ll call him Raygin Junior.”
India sighs. “Are you going to let us out, or not?” She throws herself at the fabric with full force. Finally, a large gash is cut into it. We all fly out.
Art, Harry, India and Tony can’t get out of the building fast enough.
But I want to stay behind and make sure Raygin’s all right.
She can’t hear me or see me, but she can feel me. So I gently touch her rosy cheek. Her hand darts up to meet mine. “Jamie?” She stares through my head, searching.
“I love you, baby,” I whisper, my lips brushing her ear. I wish she could hear me, so she’d say, “I love you too.”
Instead, she says, “Please leave me alone.” My heart sinks. She continues, “And Stanley too. Keep all the ghosts away from Stanley, for their own good as well as his.”
“We’ll stay away,” I say. “Have fun with your new living guy.” And though I’m still a little jealous, I really do want her to have some fun. She deserves it, after years of pining for me when I was gone from her life.