Calmdowncalmdowncalmdown.
“You need help, Bette,” my mom says, and she sounds like she’s crying. “I’m taking you away from here. This house is making you sick. Those preservation people have been calling, and with good reason. Look around!”
“No no, I’m fine, Erica,” Aunt Bette says desperately. “Mary wants to leave! I’ll be better when she’s gone!”
“This house is in shambles, and you’re—you’re not well,” my mom chokes out. “You can’t stay here any longer.”
Aunt Bette backs up. “You should see her, Erica. Talk to her. Tell her about Jim. Maybe that will help her.”
Jim’s my dad.
“Bette . . . please stop it,” my mother says, and her voice sounds pained. “Stop talking about her.”
What’s going on? Did they have a fight? Did they get separated in the time that I’ve been gone—is that why they haven’t been back to visit?
“We’re leaving. Now.” Mom has the door open. I stare at it and force it closed. She’s shocked as the knob flies out of her hand. The door bangs shut, and the dead bolt clicks.
Aunt Bette cries, “Mary! Stop! You’re going to scare her!”
Ignoring her, I run to my bed and grab my suitcase and go flying down the stairs and out the door. “Mommy! I’m coming with you! Don’t leave without me!”
But then I hear the back door opening. I go to my window and see my mom with her arm around Aunt Bette, trying to walk her to the rental car. They’re leaving? Without me?
I race back downstairs and out to the car.
My mom is sobbing. She doesn’t even look at me. “Bette, please, please, get in the car.”
I run up to her. “Mommy!” I scream. I’m howling now, and the shutters on the house are opening and closing, faster and faster. I can’t stop it; I can’t control myself.
“Oh my God!” my mom screams, and she jerks the passenger-side door open and pushes Aunt Bette inside. She runs to the other side of the car and stumbles and falls to the ground.
I run after her, sobbing. “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” I cry. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me. I want to go home!”
Her eyes widen in shock. “Mary, is that you?”
“Don’t leave me,” I beg. She struggles to get up, and I wait for her to hug me, to hold me to her close. It’s been so long, Mommy.
But she doesn’t move toward me; she runs to the other side of the car and gets in. I pound on the window so hard the glass starts to crack.
“I’m sorry,” she weeps. “I’m so sorry. I can’t stay.” Her hands shake as she starts the car, puts it in reverse, and drives away.
* * *
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
* * *
LILLIA
I WASN’T GOING TO GO to the party. Kat kept texting me, telling me to come and that she and Mary would protect me from Rennie tonight. But then this afternoon I got a text from Rennie herself. It said, New Year, new start? Come tonight. Then she sent me a picture of her hand holding a cherry Blow Pop. Her manicure looked awesome. It was all pale pink glitter, like sparkly cotton candy.
So I’m going. I don’t want to be the only one in the whole school missing out. My sister will be there. Even Kat and Mary are going. What else am I supposed to do? Go to dinner with my parents?
A few months ago it would have been Rennie and me getting ready for this party together. We’d be blasting Madonna and fighting for the mirror, going back and forth over a crimson-red lip versus a brick-red lip. Instead it was me by myself. No Nadia, because she got ready with all the freshman girls at Janelle’s house. Just me.
I found my dress at a vintage store online. I was worried it wouldn’t fit, because sizes were different back then, but when it came, it was perfect. It’s emerald-green silk, tissue thin, with a drop waist and a low V-neck and a back that dips low in an X that looks like cobwebs, delicate and fine.
I put my hair in my mom’s rollers and then I styled it in a bob. It kept falling out, so I stuck a bunch of pins in it. Dark red lipstick was the final touch.
When I walked down the stairs, my dad came out of his office to hug me and tell me how beautiful I looked. And also to tell me to remember my special curfew for the night, two a.m. and not a minute later. He told me not to drive home, to take a taxi or to call and he’d come get me. “The streets aren’t safe on New Year’s Eve,” he said. “Too many people driving drunk.” I rolled my eyes and kept saying, “Yes, Daddy. Sure, Daddy.”
At a stoplight, I text Ash to see if she’s there so I don’t have to walk in alone. She texts back and says she’s already inside. I text Alex, too, only he doesn’t text me back right away. We haven’t talked much since his holiday party, since I told him that I kissed Reeve. Things were already a little weird between them, and I can’t help but think that that probably made things even worse.
There’s no parking in front of the gallery, so I park two streets away, and then I regret borrowing my mom’s strappy rhinestone heels. They’re Manolos, and I’d always thought shoes that expensive would be more comfortable. But they’re not; by the time I get to the party, my feet hurt so bad I just want to take them off.
The gallery name had been scratched off the glass, and there’s a FOR RENT sign in the window. From the outside it looks so . . . desolate. You can’t see much inside. All the windows are steamed up.
There’s an actual bouncer at the door. I recognize him from Bow Tie; he’s one of the line cooks. I can’t believe Rennie got him to blow off his own New Year’s Eve in favor of standing in front of her mom’s gallery all night for a high school party. He goes, “What’s the secret word?”
“Moonshine,” I say, and for a split second I fear that Rennie’s changed the word and I’m not even going to get into her party.
Then he nods and says, “Ten bucks.”
Ten bucks? I’ve never, ever paid to go to one of Rennie’s parties. “I’m a senior,” I tell him. “And I’m a friend of Rennie’s. We’ve met before, at Bow Tie?”
“Everybody’s a friend of Rennie’s tonight,” he says, and looks past me, over my head, to a group of kids coming noisily down the block. “It’s ten for seniors, twenty for juniors, thirty for sophomores—”
I’m 1,000 percent sure Ash or any of our other friends didn’t have to pay, but I don’t want to stand out here arguing with him. It’s humiliating. “Okay, okay. Whatever.” Luckily, I have the cash my dad gave me for a cab. I pluck a twenty out of my beaded clutch and hand it to him.
He pulls a wad of cash out of his leather-jacket pocket and hands me back a ten. “Have fun.”
I make my way into the gallery. I’ve seen it empty before, when Paige was switching out one show for another, giving the walls a fresh coat of white paint so the art would stand out. But Rennie’s transformed it. She’s set up a bar over by where the cash register used to be, and another one of the workers from the restaurant is there mixing drinks in a crisp white tuxedo shirt and black bow tie. Drinks are being served in actual glassware, probably from the restaurant too. No plastic Solo cups. Pretty metallic garlands crisscross the ceiling in all different colors. They look vintage. There are helium balloons, too, clusters of white and silver and gold with matching ribbons, floating across the room. I look down and see that Rennie’s painted the floor, alternating black and white zigzag stripes. She’s made a bunch of centerpieces for all the tabletops: bouquets of cream-colored feathers, some dipped in gold and silver glitter.
Even I have to admit, this is her best party yet.
The place is packed; it’s so dark it takes a second for my eyes to adjust. No Kat or Mary yet. I spot Nadia and some other girls from the squad huddled together on a couch in the corner. Nadia waves, and I wave back.
And then it’s me, standing alone.
I get a pain in my stomach. Is this how it’s going to be all night?
I take a deep breath and then fish in my clutch for my lipstick and my compact. That’s the thing with dark red lipstick. You have to make sure i
t’s always on nice and thick and rich; otherwise it looks like you’ve been eating a popsicle or something. I touch up the corners of my mouth, and as I put everything back into my bag, I feel my phone vibrate.
It’s Alex.
You look amazing.
I smile and click my phone shut. I look around for Alex and spot him over by the bar, leaning against the corner, sipping something brown from a glass. He lifts his glass to me and I laugh. I can’t help it. He’s wearing a button-down and suspenders and a hat his mom must have found him. He looks adorable.
He makes his way through the crowd over to where I’m standing. As he walks, I see him reach for something inside his pants pocket.
“You left our party before I could give you your Christmas present the other night.” He comes up next to me and holds out his hand. In his palm is a small orange box with a narrow brown ribbon tied around it. The ribbon says Hermès.
I can’t believe it.
Alex puts the box in my hands. “Open it, Lil.”
I untie the ribbon and open the box. It’s the bracelet I wanted, the one I saw in Boston. White, enamel, perfect. “Alex, this is way too expensive! I can’t accept this.”
“You said you wanted it, remember?”
“I know, but . . .”
He smiles, pleased. “So I want you to have it.” Alex takes the bracelet out of the box and puts it on my wrist.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because . . . it’s too much.”
“Don’t worry about that. I used the money my grandma gave me for a new guitar.” Alex shoves his hands in his pockets. “Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. About that weekend in Boston.”
I give him a quick, nervous nod.
“If . . .” He looks down, then back at me again. “Remember when we went on that walk, in the snow? If I would have tried to kiss you that night, would you have let me?”
My mind flashes back to that night. How beautiful it was, in snowy Boston. How I felt so safe with Alex. How easy it was with him, especially compared to Reeve.
I think I would have. Maybe.
I’m about to tell him so, but then everything falls away and goes to static because over Alex’s shoulder, across the room, I see him.
Reeve. On the couch, next to a girl who at first I think is Rennie, but then see is not. She’s a sophomore; I think her name is Kendall. He’s wearing the outfit we bought together. He looks so good it makes me feel sick. She’s wearing a feather boa around her neck, and he keeps playing with it.
Our eyes meet, and then deliberately he looks away. He says something in Kendall’s ear and puts his hat on her head, and then she scoots onto his lap. I can feel all the blood rush to my face.
I break away from Alex. “I have to go.”
Alex’s face falls. “Are you not even going to answer my question?”
“I . . . I can’t right now.”
I look over at Reeve again; I can’t help it. He catches my eye again, and this time, takes a big sip of his drink, and then puts his hand on Kendall’s thigh.
I have to get out of here. I start backing up, pushing people out of my way.
I stumble toward the hallway. Then Reeve pops up in front of me, blocking my way with his arm. “Excuse me,” I say icily.
“Oh, so we’re still not speaking?” Reeve oh-so-casually crosses his arms and leans against the hallway wall.
I glare at him. “Why would we need to speak? We don’t even like each other, remember?”
Reeve gives me a condescending smile, like I’m just a silly girl and he’s so mature and above it all. I try to push past him again, hard, and his smile drops. He says, “Look, I was pissed that you blew me off, but I’m over it now, so you don’t have to run away every time you see me. I won’t bother you anymore. It’s cool.”
“Awesome,” I say.
Reeve reaches out and touches the bracelet on my wrist. “Nice bracelet,” he says.
I know he’s being insincere, but I still say, “Thank you.”
With a smirk he adds, “Lind must have worked really hard to save up for that for you.”
“He did.” I should smile and leave it at that, but I can’t resist adding, “Classy of you to be talking to another girl at Rennie’s party.” I throw a pointed look in Kendall’s direction. “Or are you and Ren already over? Why am I not the least bit surprised? How very Reeve of you, already on to the next.” I’d assumed the reason Rennie invited me to her party was so that she could flaunt her relationship with Reeve in my face. But maybe not. Maybe they’re over and done with too.
Reeve’s not smiling anymore, and I know I’m getting under his skin. “Like I said a million times, Rennie and I are just friends.”
“Oh,” I say dryly. “You must mean friends with benefits.”
Reeve puts up his hands. “Believe what you want. I don’t care.”
“I’m believing what she told me, you dummy. I saw her at your house! She was more than happy to throw it in my face.”
“When?” he demands.
“That day. The day of your family’s open house.”
Reeve jerks in surprise. “You came?”
I look around and spot Rennie in the crowd, surrounded by guys from the football team. So she didn’t tell him I came by. Big surprise. Not that it makes a difference now.
I shrug. “Yeah, I stopped by. Rennie told me you didn’t want to see me, so I left.”
Reeve’s staring at me. “Are you serious right now? You came to my house?”
“It wasn’t a big deal,” I say, and I try to duck under his arm to get past him.
But he backs up and blocks me again. “Wait! I don’t know what Rennie said to you, but I spent the whole day alone in my room, pissed at you for bailing on me. I wanted you there, Lil. Only you.”
For a second I close my eyes, and then I open them again. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
Which is when Kendall makes her way over to us and says, “Hey, Lillia. What’s up?” She puts her head on Reeve’s shoulder, which he immediately tries to shrug off.
“Hey,” I say. I’ve got my eye on the front door. There’s a line of people coming into the party now, so I can’t get out through the front. I’ll just go out through the back. I flash a quick smile at Kendall and say, “Have fun, you two!” and squeeze past them both.
I’m halfway down the hallway when I hear Reeve coming up behind me, calling my name. He yells out, “You still like me! I know you do. So I reject our breakup on the grounds that this is a bullshit misunderstanding.”
I stop and turn around and face him. “We’re not broken up, because we were never together.” And we can never be together.
“You like me! Admit it, Cho.”
God, I hope Kat and Mary aren’t here yet. If they see us like this, they’ll want to start the ruse up again. I can’t do it anymore. So I say it again, more calmly. “Reeve, I don’t like you.”
“Yes. You. Do.” Reeve takes my hand, and I try to pull it away, but this time he won’t let go. “You like me, and I like you. So can we just—can we stop with the games and be together already?”
“What about your girl Kendall?” I challenge.
He makes a dismissive sound. “I was talking to her to make you jealous. It worked, too.”
He pulls me closer and closer to him until we’re close enough to kiss. “It doesn’t have to be this hard, you know.”
I’m about to deny it when suddenly he cups his hands to my face and kisses me. I try to resist for, like, a second, and then I kiss him back because this is what I’ve dreamed about for days. My hand snakes around his neck to pull him closer, and his hair feels so soft against my fingertips.
Then I hear a gasp. I break away from Reeve, whose arms are cradling me against the wall.
“What the fuck?” It’s Rennie, standing at the other end of the hallway, staring at us. Stunned. She points at me, her arm shaking.
Reeve turns a
round and sees her and says, “Hold up, Ren.”
She backs away from us, into the kitchen. I follow her, with Reeve at my heels. “Rennie . . . ,” I start to say.
She pushes me to the side and pounds her fists on Reeve’s chest. “You picked her over me?” Rennie lets out an angry sob and steps away from him. “She’s not who you think she is, Reeve. Sweet, innocent Lillia? What a freaking joke. She’s a slut.”
“Don’t talk about her like that,” Reeve warns.
Rennie ignores him and advances toward me. “I let you be my little shadow, I took you under my wing, I basically made you!” Rennie’s whole body is trembling with rage. “You would be nobody if it weren’t for me.”
Reeve tries to get in between us. “Ren, stop it. Lillia didn’t steal me, so don’t put the blame on her. You know I love you, you know I do. But it was never gonna be like that with us.”
“Don’t you dare defend her to me!” Rennie screams, whirling on him. “You can’t see her for what she really is!”
I take a raggedy breath and step toward her. “Rennie, you’ve got it backward. You’re the one who’s always wanted what I have, not the other way around. Our whole lives, you’ve been jealous because I have what you want.”
Her mouth twists into a sneer. “I can’t believe this. I can’t even believe you’re turning this around on me right now.”
I wet my lips. “You know what? I think that on some level you were glad about what happened that night with those guys.”
Rennie’s eyes dart over to Reeve and then back to me. “Shut up,” she warns. “Don’t say another word.”
“I think you were glad because it brought me down to your level,” I say, my voice shaking. “I wasn’t innocent Lillia anymore. I wasn’t a princess, or a virgin. I wasn’t special. I was like you. Both of us damaged goods.”
Rennie’s hand strikes lightning fast, slapping my cheek so hard I rock back onto my heels and almost fall. Reeve yells, “What the hell, Ren!” And he pulls me away from her and stands between us.