Looking over the list of assignments, Mr. Eves had just handed out to them, Gabriel felt a slight shiver run down his back. More than ten different tasks stared back at him from the otherwise blank piece of paper in his hands. And one assignment looked more terrifying than the one before. Gabriel took a deep breath. Looking at himself under a magnifying glass was not his strong suit, but it was what Mr. Eves asked of them. Frowning, he looked over the assignments once more.
What do you expect of this school year?
What dreams do you have? Why?
What job would you like to have one day?
What are you good at? Why do you think that is?
What are you bad at? Why do you think that is?
What do you think you should change about yourself? Why?
Who is your idol or hero? Why?
What makes a good friend? Why?
What makes a bad friend? Why?
In what way are you different from your parents?
In what way are you like your parents?
Sum up what you've learned from the previous assignments and answer the following question: Who are you?
How was he supposed to answer any of these questions? He wasn't a writer. Most questions were even too scary to ask, let alone answer. Glancing over at Eddie's table, Gabriel found him ignoring their assignment sheet altogether and instead scribbling away on a notepad. The title line read, The Firefly Girl.
Instantly, Hannah's face smiled at him from a hidden place in his mind, and Gabriel felt an answering tuck in the corners of his mouth.
When the bell finally freed them from Mr. Eves and his promises that the assignments would turn out to be fun, Gabriel grabbed his bag and stopped next to Eddie's table. "What are you writing there?"
As the notepad disappeared into his backpack, Eddie looked up at him and shrugged. "Nothing really."
"Oh, c'mon, tell me!" Gabriel insisted. As he saw the reluctance on Eddie's face, he asked, "Is it about Hannah?"
Hesitating for only a second, Eddie nodded. "It's my story for the Writers' Workshop."
"Writers' Workshop?"
Again Eddie nodded. "It's a week-long workshop for...well, writers. But you can't just decide to participate. You have to hand in a story, and only if they think you have potential, you're invited."
"Wow, that sounds tough."
"It sure is," Eddie agreed, as they headed down the hallway. "But I guess, otherwise everyone would go because it's during school hours. If you're accepted, you get a week off school."
"And you're writing about Hannah?"
Eddie nodded. "Is that okay?"
Stopping, Gabriel looked at him. "Why wouldn't it be?"
Eddie shrugged. "I'm not sure. I just thought...she kind of was your best friend and now she's...dead. I wasn't sure, if you'd mind."
"I don't," Gabriel assured him, imaging what Hannah would say. "I think she'd like it. I think she'd be proud."
Eddie's eyes lit up. "You think?"
Gabriel nodded. "Can I read it when you're done?"
Again Eddie nodded, a bright smile illuminating his face.
***
People yelling and arguing still made Gabriel retreat into his shell. He knew that with Jordan and Eddie it was mostly friendly banter, but that day it had gone too far. Something had changed. He only wished he knew what.
Since Liam stayed longer after school to secretly help Jordan with her clean-up duties, Gabriel was alone as he headed home. The warm sun on his back, he kept to the sidewalks, only veering onto the street when a throng of people came toward him. Feeling a light breeze brush over his almost bare scalp, Gabriel lost all touch with reality. Submerged in his thoughts, he rode through the streets until the houses grew fewer, and green started to dominate his surroundings. Trees and bushes in a sea of grass, swaying in the wind, greeted him. He blinked, and was surprised to find himself, not at his grandparents' house, but at the spooky mansion out by the woods. Hannah's home.
He hadn't been there since the day of the funeral.
Standing by the old fence, Gabriel gazed up at the withered, old house that had inspired Eddie's horror story. He left his bike and walked around back. The tree still stood right outside Hannah's window. Was it still Hannah's window? Gabriel wondered.
Carefully stepping closer, he put a hand on the tree, feeling rough bark under his fingers. As real as the tree felt on his skin, the thought that Hannah would not be there if he climbed up this very tree and went through her window was just as surreal. Like two realities that were both true and yet mutually exclusive.
Before Gabriel knew why, he was already half-way up the tree. Slowly, he approached the window, setting one foot in front of the other, while his hands tightly held on to the branch just above his head–like Hannah had told him. As though time had stood still, the window was unlocked, welcoming him, and for a moment, he felt convinced, Hannah was waiting for him to pick her up. Without making a sound, Gabriel pushed the window open and slid inside.
He half-expected to see her lying on the bed, a damp cloth on her head. But the bed was empty, and Gabriel felt a small stab in his heart. His head had known all along, and yet his heart had hoped.
The room looked like it was expecting Hannah's return any moment now. Her books were still stacked the way she had sorted them. Some towers almost reached the ceiling while others stood just high enough to sit on. In the corner by the windows stood her easel. A canvas rested on it, half-finished, showing the once place irrevocably connected with their summer adventures, the Dive. The tall trees. The shimmering water. And those who had meant most to Hannah, her friends. A sad smile flashed over Gabriel's face as he recognized himself, sitting under a tree and watching his friends, as they splashed into the small lake. The painting was wonderful, capturing the essence of their summer together. Life would never be like this again, Gabriel realized. Not exactly. Hannah would not be there. This painting would remain unfinished. Forever.
Suddenly feeling exhausted, Gabriel sank down, resting his back against Hannah's bed. Absentmindedly, his right hand moved up to his head and brushed over his short hair. Although he missed the opportunity to hide from the world every now and then, Gabriel continued to re-cut his hair, keeping it exactly the way Hannah had cut it that summer. A small part deep inside him thought she'd be disappointed, if he didn't.
"I miss her too," came a voice from behind him. Startled, Gabriel jumped up. "Don't be alarmed," Mr. Hamilton said, as he walked into the room. "I understand why you're here."
Gabriel nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything though. I don't know how to explain."
Mr. Hamilton shook his head. "It's okay. Most of the time I don't have the words either." He sat down on Hannah's bed. "In a way she's still here, isn't she?"
Again Gabriel nodded. After a moment he sat down too.
Looking around the room, Mr. Hamilton said, "I just can't bring myself to change anything in here. I wouldn't know how. Do I simply pack things up and store them away? Or should I even throw some out?" He shook himself as though trying to get rid of an awful thought. "It doesn't seem right somehow."
"No, it doesn't," Gabriel agreed. "All those beautiful paintings. People should see them."
"They should, yes."
For a while they sat quietly on Hannah's bed, eyes drifting over the various paintings she had worked on that summer. Everything felt like it always had. Birds chirped outside and a soft breeze came in through the open window, raising goose bumps on Gabriel's neck. The smell of old wood mixed with moss and a hint of rain carried in from the sea far away hung in the air. Moving his legs, some of the floorboards creaked under Gabriel’s shoes and the colors of Hannah's paintings shone brightly as the sun touched them. The only one missing was the small, red-haired girl that had brought all of these things to life.
"I should go home," Gabriel said and rose from the bed. There was nothing else to say.
Mr. Hamilton nodded, but before Gabriel could slip out the window, he sai
d, "I don't mind if you do want to come back every now and then."
Gabriel looked up and nodded. "Thank you."
Hannah's grandfather smiled at him wistfully. "When I hear you climbing in through the window, I can almost believe she is still here."
Gabriel nodded. "I guess that's why I didn't knock on the door," he said and went out the way he had come.
***
On his way home, it wasn't only Mr. Hamilton's voice that found its way into Gabriel's mind. Eddie and the crazy things he had said rang in his ears as well. Real girls, he had said. What was a real girl?
Hannah had been a real girl, even according to everyone's definition. She had been tough and smart, courageous and gentle and able to take care of herself, which was probably why Jordan had liked her, Gabriel thought. And yet she had been the damsel in distress and they had rescued her from captivity and taken her out into life. Twice even. First from her room, to see the world, and then from the hospital, to say goodbye the way she'd wanted. Hannah had been real, but now she was dead. Was she still real?
"Are you all right?" his grandfather asked, as he sat down to dinner. "You look a bit out of sorts."
"I'm okay," Gabriel sighed holding out his plate to his grandmother.
All she said was, "Mmmh."
"Everything okay at school?" his grandfather tried again, and Gabriel nodded. "Trouble with your friends?"
"Not really," Gabriel said, munching his baked beans.
His grandparents looked at each other, and something was exchanged that Gabriel couldn't quite grasp. They had an uncanny ability to communicate with one another without saying a single word.
After dinner Gabriel retreated to his room, still wondering about what was real and what was not. What did it mean if something was 'real' anyway? He wondered.
He finished his homework without paying any attention to it, feeling a stab of guilt though, for not taking things more seriously. His new teachers were mostly really nice and were all cutting him some slack because he was new, but that bonus wouldn't last forever. He knew that.
When the sun had finally disappeared, Gabriel looked out the window to his grandmother's apple trees, looming in the dark like giants. He felt restless. All of a sudden the cozy interior of his room suffocated him, and he felt the desperate need for some air. Gabriel knew he shouldn't, but in that moment he couldn't help himself. Pulling on his sneakers, he grabbed his helmet and quietly climbed out the window.
Going downhill, he stopped pedaling and let himself roll, breathing in the night air and feeling it touch his skin. Slowly the stone was lifted off his chest, and he felt the dizziness brushed from his mind. Suddenly knowing exactly what he wanted, Gabriel headed west.
The old cemetery lay in silence, like the last time he had been there. A dark blanket covered not only the stones, but also the paths leading in winding circles through the area that had disappeared from his view. But Gabriel didn't mind. He knew where to go. In no more than a few minutes, he found his way through the dark, sure-footed like a mountain-goat in the Alps.
Once again sitting down cross-legged, Gabriel found himself across from a small boulder that had his best friend's name written on it. A tighter grip had gotten hold of his heart, and his breath came in uneasy gasps, and yet he knew he wanted to be there. Gabriel wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but when he suddenly found himself staring into the distant dark, a tiny light came buzzing toward him, and he wasn't surprised at all.
After all, friends didn't leave friends alone in a time of need, did they?
Chapter 3 – Summer’s Over
I'm surprised to see you here again, Hannah's melodious voice whispered in the dark.
Gabriel frowned, as he pulled a blade of high grass from beside her small, lightly moss-covered headstone. "Why?"
Breathy laughter reached his ear. Because it's the middle of the night, and you got school tomorrow. That's why.
"I just wanted to talk to you," Gabriel said, as he ran the blade of grass between his fingers, his eyes avoiding the tiny light hovering in the dark.
About what?
Gabriel shrugged. "This and that."
What's on your mind? Hannah asked; her voice echoed with impatience.
"We got this assignment at school," Gabriel said, his eyes darting up to the tiny light still hovering in front of him before returning to his hands. Trying to keep busy, he ran the blade of grass between his fingers, again and again.
When he remained quiet, Hannah growled at him. If you're gonna make me beg for every little piece of information, you might as well go home. I've got better things to do.
The ghost of a smile danced over Gabriel's face.
Well, that's a start, Hannah said as her tiny light danced joyfully up and down. Now, how did an assignment put such a scowl on your face?
Gabriel sighed, but he raised his head to look at her. "Mr. Eves said to write about what we expect of this school year, where we see ourselves at the end of term."
And the problem is?
Shaking his head, he shrugged. "I have no idea what I want." His shoulders sank. "I didn't realize it before."
What do you mean?
Again Gabriel sighed. "When I stood up to my parents and told them that I wanted to stay, I felt so good. Like I had the power to make my life what I wanted it to be, and not have someone else tell me what to do. But now, that I have to write down what I hope to accomplish this year, I just realized that I don't know what I want to happen next. Now that I get to decide, I don't know what to do."
And that is so bad? Hannah asked.
Slumping down, Gabriel averted his eyes. "I feel like I let you down."
What? The tiny light buzzed up in surprise. Why?
"Because you helped me realize that I had to do something, if I wanted things to change and not wait for them to change on their own. But now that I actually have the chance to create a new life for myself, I'm lost." Gabriel glanced up at her. "You should have gotten that chance to start over, not me. I don't even know what to do with it."
You're twelve years old, Gabriel, you don't have to have all the answers. The tiny light hung in the air, perfectly still. That's what this is all about, finding the answers to the questions you have. So there you go, you know what you want. You want to figure out what is important to you in life, how you want to live. The tiny firefly hovered lower as though to look in his eyes. Ask yourself why you stayed here, and what you need in order to feel good about going home to your parents. Maybe if you write this down, organize your thoughts, it'll help you make sense of them.
For a second Gabriel closed his eyes. As he opened them a relieved smile settled on his face. "I don't know how you do it," he said. "But I'm glad you gave me a kick in the butt again."
What are friends for?
***
"Hi there," Gabriel said, waving to Liam as he walked his bike out of the garage and down his grandparents' driveway. "I can't believe it's Monday again."
Liam snorted. "Yeah, it really should be five days off and only two days of school." He stopped and looked at Gabriel. "You know what? We should put that in the suggestion box. Who knows? Maybe it'll come true one day."
"But not in our lifetime."
"Okay, future generations will be so grateful." Liam's face split into a grin. "Maybe they'll name a holiday after us."
Gabriel laughed. "Yeah, getting another day off for the great deed of getting more days off for people."
"Hey, I can dream, can't I?" Liam objected.
Jumping on their bikes, they slowly rode down the street and turned right at the next corner. "Hey, do you want to get together after school?" Gabriel asked. "And pretend it's not Monday?"
Liam smiled. "Sounds good, but I'm kind of busy."
"Really? With what?"
"I promised to help a friend."
Gabriel frowned. "Anyone I know?"
As though ashamed of something, Liam averted his eyes and kept them focused on t
he road ahead. "Yeah."
When he didn't elaborate, Gabriel asked, "Who is it? Or is it a secret?" Suddenly he remembered, how last summer he had promised Hannah to keep her illness from their friends. It had been difficult, but he had promised.
Liam shook his head. "Not really, but..."
"You don't want to say," Gabriel finished for him.
Lifting his eyes off the ground, Liam looked up. "Is that okay?"
Gabriel nodded. "Sure." When the time came, Liam would tell him.
Although everything else in his life had changed, school was pretty much the same for Gabriel. Sure, now he had friends. He didn't sit alone at lunch anymore, or ride back home by himself or walk the hallways with his eyes glued to the floor. But class itself was as it always had been.
Generally Gabriel paid attention, afraid the teacher would know just by looking at him that his mind was occupied elsewhere and call him on it. But although he could answer most of the questions asked or solve the tasks given, Gabriel rarely did. Thanks to his new hairdo, he had gotten used to people looking at him, but that was still just superficial. Something visible on the outside. Answering a question, sharing what was on his mind, still felt too intimate, too private to Gabriel to give others even just a glance of it. He wasn't there yet. He wondered if he'd ever be. Now that Hannah was gone.
"Do you want to hang out this afternoon?" Gabriel asked Eddie after last period. "Do something fun?"
Eddie sighed. "Would love to, but I can't." As Gabriel frowned, he went on. "I gotta help out in the library. Remember? Principal Hall's punishment from the first day of school."
"Really?" Again Gabriel frowned. "I thought that was over by now."
Eddie shrugged, pushing open the door to the school yard. "Technically, it was. But then last Wednesday, while I was returning the books to the shelves,...well, I thought no one was there and I felt kind of tired of everything, of not having enough time to work on my story for the Writers' Workshop, that I started ranting about Mrs. Hall...and well, she–"
"She was standing right behind you," Gabriel finished, grinning from ear to ear.
"Kind of, yeah," Eddie said, head hanging down.
Gabriel just laughed. He saw Eddie's annoyed face, and yet he couldn't stop. He laughed until the muscles in his belly hurt, and he was panting for breath.