His brow furrowed, those dark eyes burning and begging for me to see him the way he seemed to see me. “How I feel? Firefly . . . I’m fucking terrified.”
He released me and moved away, agony lining his face as stepped back to sit on the desk.
“Of what?” I asked when the silence became too much.
“You.” He tossed the word out there like it should’ve been obvious. “I had someone who meant . . . she meant everything to me. And she was taken from me.”
Jealousy had started unfurling in my stomach before it felt like a weight settled in its place. “Oh, Dare. I’m so sorry. What happened?”
He stared at a spot on the floor for a few seconds before lifting his shoulders. “Details aren’t important. It happened a long time ago. But the thought of letting myself get close to someone else, let alone care about them, terrifies me. I’ve spent the past two years watching you, knowing I needed to keep my distance because you intrigued me in a way no one ever has. And then Johnny . . .” He huffed, but it sounded pained. “After he attacked you, all I could see was you dying the way she’d died, and I panicked. I couldn’t let that happen. I knew you had to leave before you got hurt again. Or worse.”
I released his name on a breath, unable to voice it any louder when his pain was tightening my throat with emotion. “I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t help, and I know they’re useless words when you’ve lost someone . . . but I am sorry.”
“Like I said, it happened a long time ago. But what I did to you—what I said—I don’t know how to take that back.”
“Why tell me?” I asked, catching his stare. “Why not let me continue believing you wanted nothing to do with me?”
“Because all I’ve wanted since you walked out the door was to find you again.” He slipped off the desk, his large frame so commanding and comforting as he moved toward me. “I’ve been counting down the damn hours until this morning because you’ve consumed every thought. You lit up one night . . . and I can’t go back to the dark after that.”
“My life is complicated,” I warned as he pressed me up against the door.
His expression suddenly fell into an unreadable mask. “I’ve been told.”
“I can’t give you what you’re wanting.”
He gently eased his hand into my hair to cradle my head. “So, there is a boyfriend . . . and from what Libby and Einstein said, he’s someone you’re running from.”
“No. No, it’s not like that. It’s so much more complicated than that.”
“Libby was sure you were running from someone the other night. I can’t protect you if you don’t tell me what you’re running from.”
“I don’t—I was, but I don’t need to be protected,” I said, the words coming out more harshly than I intended. “I know how to protect myself, but that doesn’t change what’s happening in my life.”
He studied me for a few seconds before nodding. “Okay. You can’t give me what I’m wanting,” he murmured, tossing my words back to me. “Does that mean if it was someone else . . . if it was one of the twins?”
I relaxed against the door and him, and fought the urge to show him everything I was thinking and wanting to do. “You know that’s not what I meant. You didn’t have to ask.”
“I’m not the one who keeps running away, Firefly,” he said softly as he brushed his thumb along my cheek.
“You forced me away.”
His mouth twitched into a frown at the reminder. “I’m afraid of what will happen to you if I keep you by my side, and there’s shit happening in your life that makes you run from what you want. But we’re still here,” he said, his voice gruff as he bent his head closer.
“You dragged me in here.”
His answering glare was almost enough to make me smile in that moment.
“You wouldn’t be in here if you didn’t want to be.”
“I wish I’d met you in a different life,” I whispered as I lifted my hand, trailing the tips of my fingers along his lips. “I’ve wanted something else for my life for so long, I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t planning to get away from North Carolina. And yet, even as those plans continued, I’ve hated the thought of not seeing you every week. After the street fair—” I bit down on my lip to stop the words from tumbling out, but held his stare as they begged to be freed.
After you freed me.
After you forced me to acknowledge how much a stranger had come to mean to me.
After you made me crave you in a way I’ve never experienced.
“But it doesn’t matter what I want. I wouldn’t know how to let myself have it. If I’m honest with myself—I know I can’t. And if I took what I wanted, it would result in heartache for so many people, and too many lies told to you.”
One of his brows lifted slowly. “Really?”
“I can’t tell you what’s happening, and there would come a point where you would demand to know. Don’t deny that.”
From the way his jaw tensed, I knew he wanted to.
I placed my hand against his chest and put the slightest pressure there. “So I think it’s best for everyone if we say goodbye and I go back to my booth, and dream about a life where we might have been.”
He let me push him away slowly, his face etched with frustration as he watched me reach for the knob to unlock and open the door.
“Goodbye, Dare.”
I’d barely turned when he slammed the door shut and pressed my back to it again.
“Then lie to me,” he begged just before his mouth fell onto mine.
One of my hands had been braced on his chest, whether to steady myself or continue pushing him away, I wasn’t sure, and I no longer cared. Because my fingers were now curling into his shirt to pull him closer as I melted into his arms.
He held me tightly, like he was afraid of what would happen if he let go.
A fear I understood all too well.
With the hand that wasn’t pinned between us, I brushed the tips of my fingers along his jawline and moaned into his mouth when he deepened the kiss. His tongue teased mine, coaxing more from me that I willingly gave.
More of my mind, more of my heart, more of my soul.
I knew right then he could have it all, and I would still find more to give, because nothing in my world had ever felt as right as kissing him.
“You’re such a complication,” I whispered against his lips, and felt him smile in response.
“You’re a dream inside a living nightmare, and I’m a bastard for pulling you in.”
I looked up to see him watching me, anguish filling his eyes.
“A selfless man would have let you walk away.”
Everything he said was as if it was taken from my own mind. Dare had no idea just how terrified I was for him, and yet, I would fail if I tried to stay away from him.
“If I was selfless, I would’ve never set foot in this café. I would’ve never looked at you or thought of you. I would’ve never let you kiss me.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “I wouldn’t be considering impossible things that terrify me for so many reasons.”
He dipped his head, brushing his mouth along my jaw, back to my ear. “Don’t be afraid.”
My knees weakened and heart raced, and all I wanted was to let him continue the slow tortuous dance his lips were making down my neck.
I wanted so, so much.
But one of those terrifying reasons was Teagan, and I knew she was waiting for me—knew we’d been in the office for longer than five minutes.
“I need to get back to my friend before she comes looking for me,” I managed to whisper when he lightly nipped at my neck.
Dare stilled for a second, then breathed a low, “Shit.” He stepped back enough to look at me, but didn’t release me. “When will I see you again?”
“I don’t know. Next Monday?” I offered, making the words sound like a question that he didn’t find amusing. “I don’t have a phone. I don’t know when I’ll be anywhere or where I’ll be except for here.”
He stared at the door for a few seconds, then nodded grudgingly. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll try to be around, but I can’t promise anything,” I said as I opened the door and took a step back.
“How am I supposed to find you?”
“Wait for me to light up the dark,” I teased as I slipped out of the office.
“Truth or dare,” he called out just as I rounded the hall to take me back into the main part of the café.
I paused, a smile pulling at my lips as I turned to face him. “Don’t you know what I’ll choose?”
“I can’t read your mind, Firefly. I only know what you’ll choose when you’re afraid.”
“Then dare.”
Surprise flickered in his eyes and that carefree grin lit up his face. But his voice held a hint of hesitation and worry when he pled, “Give me you.”
“I already have. I could deny and fight my feelings for you for the rest of my life, but I can see it was never a choice with you. But our lives . . . they aren’t ready for the fallout of this.”
And I hate every obstacle preventing us.
His brow pinched in confusion, but before he could question me, I turned and hurried back to a silently fuming Teagan.
Minutes passed as we watched each other. I opened my mouth at least a dozen times tell her about Conor being sent away and running into Ethan at the street fair, but it never seemed right.
Because this had started two years ago.
And Teagan knew that.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” she finally hissed when I failed to speak. “You’re not just ruining your life and a lifelong relationship, you’re destroying the hope of an entire family’s future. That includes mine.” Her tone was bitter and harsh, but her eyes filled with sadness. “And your ogling guy? What was his name, Darren? You’ve just ordered his death from a guy he’ll never see coming.”
I woke a couple nights later to a touch so familiar, it was as if it was my own.
It was comfort and home.
It was everything that was supposed to mean my future.
And it was full of pain.
I bit down on my lip to keep the tears at bay when they blurred my view of the large window before me, and forced each breath in through my nose and out through my mouth.
Breathe in, Lily.
Breathe out.
He pressed his forehead against the back of my head, inhaling sharply when he felt the tremor I wasn’t able to suppress.
“Lily,” he said softly, his voice as rough as it’d always been.
I’d always loved his voice. The gravel behind every word, whether it was seductive or filled with malice.
“Lily, don’t cry.”
“I’m not,” I whispered, but he knew.
“Everything I do is for—”
“Me?” I asked, choking on a laugh. “Sending Conor away was for me?”
Kieran didn’t tense. He didn’t give any indication that he was surprised I knew. Probably because he wasn’t.
“I thought you were gone,” he said after a moment.
No excuses. No explanations.
That wasn’t his way.
“I thought you were gone, and it would’ve been my fault. I would’ve walked through hell to bring you back to me.”
Sadly . . . I wouldn’t put it past Kieran to try to accomplish that task.
“Don’t you understand I don’t want that?” I asked, then tried to turn in his arms to face him. When he stopped my movements with his firm hold, I begged, “Let me face you.”
“Lil—”
I huffed, the sound bordering on a frustrated growl, and ripped myself out of his arms to get off the bed. Once my feet touched the floor, I turned, meeting his lethal stare from where he now stood directly behind me.
That look would terrify anyone else.
But I knew the emotion hiding behind it. I knew the shock and hurt.
“I never wanted the man who would pick a fight with the devil to bring me back to life. I never wanted the man who would lock me up and treat me like a prisoner instead of loving me as his girlfriend. I never wanted Nightshade, Kieran. I wanted you.”
He stood there, still as a statue while he waited to see if I would continue.
“If you want to beat yourself up over what happened last week, fine. I can’t talk Conor out of doing it either. And according to Beck, you’re still beating yourself up for what happened to Aric.”
The slightest twitch in Kieran’s jaw and his fingers was the only indication I’d hit home, but I didn’t stop.
“But if you haven’t noticed, I’m here. I’m still here, Kieran. I don’t need you to tighten security on me. What I need is for you to have been there the last four years. I needed you to take me away like we planned. I needed you to talk to me after I came back last week, not give me an order then disappear for nearly a week. I’ve needed you to love me and to let me love you in a way that is real—”
“You think I don’t love you?” he asked suddenly, shock and rage fighting for dominance in his voice.
I stared at him with my mouth opened for a few seconds, then finally admitted, “I know you do, but I think you’ve forgotten how.”
His expression fell, panic filled his eyes. “Lily, I—don’t you see—?” He stopped talking as abruptly as he shut down every emotion that had managed to leak through.
A sad laugh tumbled from my lips at the sight.
“I see what you show me,” I said, the words no more than a breath. “Don’t forget that I know you, Kieran. I’ve known you my entire life. I grew up learning what emotions you hid from the world, and what your silence meant to everyone, including me. But you were always there. There wasn’t a day that went by that wasn’t filled with you. In the last four years, there hasn’t been a day with you . . . and I’ve needed you the most in that time.”
“Lily . . .” He blinked, flickering away the emotionless mask for a few precious moments. “I love you.” He ran his hands through his shoulder-length blond hair as he took a few steps away from me, but came to a sudden halt. “Do you still love me?”
I wanted to disappear in that moment. I wanted to lie to him. I wanted the truth to be something different than it was. Because the truth was . . . “I don’t know.”
A look of horror crossed his face, one he didn’t try to hide. Or couldn’t.
“You’ve been gone,” I tried to explain when an eternity of minutes passed in weighted silence.
He flung his arms out to the sides, his voice reverberating off the walls when he yelled, “I’m doing all of this for you.”
“How can anything be for me when I don’t want this, Kieran? You and I never wanted this. But you changed your mind and left me to slowly suffocate in this prison alone.” My head dropped and a muted sob fell from my lips when I realized he still didn’t understand. “You’ve asked me to see what you’re doing, but why can’t you see that I’m drowning?”
Kieran was suddenly beside me and pulling me back against his chest. The motion was as familiar as it was unwanted. “You think I can’t see you? You think I’m not here to make sure you don’t? But I saw how my mistakes destroyed you all those years ago. I fucking watched someone try to tear you away from me. If I hadn’t done everything I have been doing the last four years, I would have watched them succeed. There is nowhere we could run that they wouldn’t find us. The price of staying in this life is heavy, heavier than I ever imagined. But I would choose this path again and again over watching you die.”
Another sob wrenched from my chest when he suddenly released me. Turning, I eyed Kieran where he now stood six feet away, his chest heaving with ragged breaths.
“And if this destroys us?”
The corners of his eyes creased before that emotionless, lethal mask of my assassin fell over his face. The only betraying movement was the ticking muscle in his jaw. With a dip of his head, he said, “I would still choose this path over watching you die.”
/> He took a step away, but I called out to him before he could slip away into the night.
“Why won’t you hold me? I, God . . .” I sighed and rubbed at my aching eyes. “I don’t know how many times I’ve asked you this, but if you only knew how much it slowly killed me every time you refu—” I sucked in a sharp inhale when a warm, muscled body suddenly formed against mine. Long, lethal fingers curved gently around my face.
I looked up into piercing green eyes, unable to breathe, having Kieran hold me this way.
“Kieran, I . . .” My body began vibrating almost violently, and it wasn’t until Kieran’s chest heaved that I realized the vibrating was coming from him. “What’s—?” Words failed me when I glanced into his eyes again and saw sheer panic. But that slowly faded.
And the beast rose in its place.
He pushed away from me so forcefully I stumbled back until I hit the nightstand.
Kieran didn’t stop backing away, as though he was trying to force himself to leave before he could do something he knew he’d regret. But as soon as he was standing in the doorway, he gripped the frame, his wild eyes on me.
I’d never seen him so animalistic. Not even when—
A shudder tore through me at the thought.
Kieran was calm. Always. Even as Nightshade. I couldn’t understand what was happening now, but I could feel the danger rolling from him as if it was a living, breathing entity in the room with us.
“Cowards,” he said through clenched teeth.
“What?”
“Cowards stab people in the back. That’s what my dad always said. That’s how he trained me.”
When he didn’t elaborate, I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”
A look of anguish filled his face that was so unlike anything I’d ever seen from him that it stole my next breath. “Understand.” When I only stood there watching him, he said, “I refused to be a coward. You know how I do it, I know you do.”
Of course I did. Everyone knew how he worked. “Pray Nightshade doesn’t find you. He’ll slit your throat . . .” I studied Kieran’s expression as it started to make sense.
He nodded when he saw understanding light my face. “And I look all of them in the eyes while I do it. I can’t put you in front of me, Lily. I know it’s you when you’re there. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t that part of me. And all it sees is the death it needs.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, the confession hushed as if he was admitting his greatest shame.