When I met his eyes again, his were shiny with tears. “I’d hoped there was another way. I don’t really see one, though.”
“Kota,” I whispered. No wonder he hadn’t slept at all, staying up all night to come up with solutions that would mean I could stay. Maybe the reason why he couldn’t think of an answer was because he was so tired. If I could just give him some hope, maybe he’d sleep and a solution will come to him. “We don’t know what will happen but I prefer to stay. I want to.”
“I wish we could put it off until we figured out another way,” he said. He pressed his warm palm to my cheek. “Sang, you’ve never been a burden, but we have to be prepared to let things change if that’s the right answer. Maybe we’re making too much out of it, making it harder on ourselves. One of these days, we’ll look back on how silly we were worrying about staying together when it would have been easier to get you into a safe place. Just because you start off with another team, doesn’t have to mean you’ll never come back.”
I hadn’t known I could switch teams like that. Or perhaps he meant when we were older, we’d be able to move around easier, not having to worry about parents and what they thought.
He bent down, kissing my forehead, staying close, breathing against my skin. I inhaled the spice scent that warmed me through, usually such a comfort to me when I was afraid.
“We can’t worry about the future,” I said to him quietly, something Mr. Blackbourne said often. We both needed some hope, or we’d be defeated before we got started. “We can’t play a what-if game and make guesses. We’ll have to deal with it as we face it. It’s still my decision to make ultimately. I don’t see how being with another team would be easier when I’d be bringing my own problems to them. I’d still have to leave Ashley Waters to get away from Hendricks and the others. That’s not going to be easy for anyone. I bet there’s answers weren’t not seeing. We’re too close to the situation to look at the big picture. Maybe the Academy will help us go over all our options, and it won’t mean me leaving at all.”
I could almost hear him thinking in the silence around us. He swallowed heavily and nodded against my forehead. “You’re probably right. Even you leaving might not be so easy. I know it’s your choice. Maybe I am stressing myself out too much.” He kissed my forehead again and then backed away, opening the door before he paused. “I’m going to make a coffee. Would you like one of yours? You haven’t had one yet.”
“Sure,” I said, although I didn’t really want coffee, or anything else.
Kota left me alone in the bathroom, giving me a few minutes to think and calm down.
While before I’d been going over and over what to say to the Academy about what I wanted, I hadn’t stopped to consider the other side. Kota was right to contemplate what options the Academy might give me. What would they think of a girl who was desperate to stay with a group that was in the middle of danger? Would they think I was crazy and unable to make good decisions? I hadn’t considered other options because I was so sure staying with them was the solution.
As I finally left the bathroom, I took the hair bands with me. I needed to actually believe what I’d said to Kota. I had to believe there was a solution that would mean I could stay with them.
Though if that was true, why did I feel weighed down with doubts?
GIFT MOUNTAIN
When I got back to the living room, I sat down at Erica’s feet, facing the television as the muted Christmas movie played. Erica brushed my hair and then braided it just like Jessica’s as the others were still distracted with the gifts and their guessing.
I tried desperately to drown out the thoughts in my head. I drank the coffee Kota had fetched for me and held onto the bottle as Erica twisted and braided my hair.
“Okay,” Erica said, patting the top of my head. “You’re an archeress, too.”
I suddenly shivered, coming out of my thoughts and feeling awkward at resting at her legs.
What was wrong with me? Why was I so uncomfortable?
“Are you cold?” Erica asked.
“Hey, Sang?” Luke called before I could answer her. They’d finished their pyramid and now they were making forts out of the rest of the gifts. He and Victor were behind one by the fireplace. He stacked a smaller box on top of their wall, making it slightly higher. “Come get behind my fort. Quick.”
“No, come over here,” Gabriel said. He and Nathan were crouched behind a wall of boxes closer to the tree. Nathan was trying to balance boxes on top of each other though they were swaying dangerously.
“You’re going to break all those presents,” North said as he came out from the kitchen. He was about to sit on the couch when the doorbell rang. “About time.” He straightened and headed to the door.
I stayed on the floor, trying to get the feeling inside of me to ease; I wasn’t in the mood to play fort.
Erica got up to meet Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green at the door so, in an effort to get my feelings under control, I crawled up to where Erica had been sitting on the couch. I wanted my back against something solid and to be sitting properly when the others came into the room. I pulled my knees up to my chest, waiting nervously.
Dr. Green arrived first, wearing jeans and a dark yellow T-shirt, with a faded design of white-capped mountains on the front. He shrugged off a gray jacket and dropped it on the arm of the couch. He winked at me quickly and then surveyed the forts. “Hey,” he said. “Where’s my fort?”
“Fuck the forts,” Gabriel said, accidentally dropping one he was trying to balance on the pile. He picked it up carefully and examined it for damage. “We didn’t have ammo yet, anyway.”
“They’re all in the boxes,” Nathan said. “Can we open these yet or what?”
“Gotta wait for the stragglers,” Dr. Green said. He sat down cross-legged near the outside of Luke’s fort. He picked up one of the top boxes. “You all play a dangerous game with these. How do you know I didn’t get you all delicate glass figurines for Christmas?”
“I hope mine’s a candy jar if it’s glass,” Luke said.
Gabriel started up the guessing game again and even Dr. Green joined in, although his guesses were always random, things like “dinosaur” or “San Diego”.
Sitting nearly shoulder to shoulder with the others as they took down their fort walls, it was like a group of brothers sitting together. I wished Dr. Green got more time off from the hospital to be around. He was a lot of fun.
Erica came in with a potted dark green holly plant. “Isn’t this lovely?” she said. “I’m going to put it on the table.”
Mr. Blackbourne followed behind her. He wore the dark gray slacks and the white shirt, but today he had on a gray sweater over the shirt. No tie. The collar was unbuttoned, giving him a more casual look.
It was one of the rare moments when I saw the nineteen-year-old that he was. Young, with a strong energy that came from within. He was perfect, as always, with the black-rimmed glasses over the steel eyes, moving into the room smoothly, always with his shoulders back and his head high.
I didn’t want to tattle on Kota and his feelings, but I was rattled after our conversation and wished I could talk to Mr. Blackbourne right then. I wanted to ask him again about this plan, looking for some validation that what we were considering was the right thing.
I also wanted him to sit next to me. I wasn’t sure I could last through opening gifts without betraying my dark thoughts unless I felt him beside me. I needed to steal some of his confidence that we’d stay together.
Erica paused on her way to the dining room to turn around and plant a delicate kiss on his cheek. “You’re such a sweetheart,” she said. “So thoughtful.”
“You’re welcome,” he said as his cheeks turned a shade of pink.
He seemed happy, relaxed. It wasn’t right to worry anyone else today. Kota was already stressed, but maybe he was wrong. But I had to believe what Mr. Blackbourne and the others said, that there was an answer out there somewhere, even if we couldn’t see it yet.
Don’t let the doubt overshadow today, I repeated to myself, and refocused on the boys who seemed so happy, capturing the Christmas spirit. They began to settle down around the tree.
Mr. Blackbourne sat next to me on the couch as though he’d heard my silent wish that he sit with me. I kept my eyes on the boys as they started reading tags and sorted the gifts into piles.
He watched quietly with me, but after a few minutes, he leaned ever so slightly, his arm against mine, drawing my attention.
“Merry Christmas, Miss Sorenson,” he whispered, his eyes still on the gifts.
Heat filled my cheeks. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Blackbourne.”
♥♥♥
It took several more minutes before everyone finally settled down. North sat on the other side of Mr. Blackbourne, arms crossed but aware and watching.
Silas, Kota, and Erica sat in beanbag chairs they’d brought in while Jessica sat in her pink and purple one she’d dragged from her bedroom. The others spread out on the floor, making a circle around the tree, leaving some space between them and the tree.
Luke and Dr. Green passed around the gifts one by one. It took a good ten minutes and the pile at my feet grew.
And grew.
Everyone had plenty, but mine either came in really large packages or very small ones I could hold in my lap. Most had pink rose bows on top, thanks to Dr. Green’s handiwork.
As Luke and Dr. Green were finishing up, Erica waved her hand and said loudly over the boys’ chatter in the room, “Okay you guys. Remember the procedure. Open quickly and toss all your wrapping paper in the middle. Don’t wait on the others. It takes too long to go around the circle. We tried that before and we don’t have all day. We can admire it all at the end.”
I’d never realized how many gifts they all had until they were all passed out and stacked in individual piles in front of each person. The ones who sat on the floor could have made their own mini-forts.
Once Luke and Dr. Green finally sat on the floor with their own collections, Erica signaled for us all to begin.
I was eager to see what everyone else got, but I listened to Erica, and soon there was too much noise and distraction to do anything other than to read the tag, open the box, see the item and toss everything that wasn’t the gift to the floor in the middle of the room. I didn’t want to be the last one opening gifts, so I did my best to hurry along.
I started with the smaller gifts in my lap so I could clear out those before getting to the bigger ones. The first was a 3DS Nintendo game from Luke and Gabriel: A dress-up game called Style Savvy. There were also arrows for the toy bow we all got. Jessica got a bow, too, which she seemed to really like. There were also the matching foam swords that Luke and Gabriel and I had bought, technically for Nathan, but we each got a set, so we could all play.
Then there were gifts I hadn’t known about in advance: a pair of pink gloves and a warm jacket—mostly black with some hot pink throughout. There were thermal pants, too. The clothes had me looking at Gabriel, wondering if he thought the weather would stay cold and we’d be outside more. But when I checked the tags, I was surprised that they were from Nathan. Had he and Gabriel gone Christmas shopping for me?
There were many items from Victor: a pink sleeping bag, a folding cot, a small stereo, a pink heater, and a travel pillow with a waterproof case.
I liked them all but wondered about why he’d buy me these things. Were they planning more sleep-overs? I really appreciated the gifts but wasn’t sure where I’d store them.
The item from North confused me. It was a small tool kit in a pink case, a multi-tool knife, a lantern and a travel kit that had a poncho and an umbrella and a small case.
I supposed I could use the tools and the lantern might come in handy if the lights ever went out.
I was looking over the items and sorting them at my feet when I almost dropped the knife between the couch cushions. I shifted my leg to grab it, inadvertently pressing it against Mr. Blackbourne’s thigh.
He’d just unwrapped Victor’s gift: a stack of sheet music. He set it aside and picked up the knife for me. He examined it and then passed it over. “That’s an interesting choice,” he said. “Don’t you think?”
“It’s very...practical,” I said. “I’ve never had one. I’m not sure when I’ll use it.”
“I think you’ll figure it out soon enough,” he said. “Why don’t you open some of the bigger boxes?”
There was something to figure out?
I checked on what everyone else was opening. Luke and Gabriel got plastic blow-up punching bags, which they said would be used as targets for the weapons they got. Dr. Green had received craft paper and some DVDs from Japan and a simple cookbook for children learning how to cook. The others got gifts that fit their personalities.
I put what I’d opened so far on the floor and then started working on the biggest box. I ripped away the paper and had to scoot the box around in front of me to actually see what was inside.
It was a three-person tent.
A tent, a sleeping bag, a lamp.... “I’m going camping?” I asked quietly, not wanting to sound unappreciative, but confused.
“We go every year,” Mr. Blackbourne said. He’d paused in his own unwrapping to watch me open this gift, and helped me tear away the rest of the paper from the box and toss it toward the growing mountain of wrapping paper in the center. “On the week of the first.”
My mouth hung open as the realization settled in. They’d been looking forward to it and they’d all gotten me camping equipment for Christmas. It was why they hadn’t wanted to spoil the surprise. “Wow,” I said, examining the tent. It wasn’t big enough to fit all of us. “Do you all have tents?”
“It’s for you to use if you’d like,” Mr. Blackbourne said. “You can sleep in the bigger tent they have although we might bring it along just in case you want to try it out. Better to have an extra anyway.”
I smoothed my hand over the side of the tent box, trying to picture when else I’d use the thing. Maybe Nathan would want to go camping sometime; he liked being outside. “I’ve never been camping,” I said.
“We thought as much,” Mr. Blackbourne said quietly. “Which is why we got you the supplies you’d need.”
The more I opened the gifts, the more excited I got. They’d all given me camping gear as if I’d be going for weeks and weeks. Luke gave me a small digital camera in a waterproof bag. Silas’s present was a fishing kit, complete with a pole and a cooler for keeping fish fresh and small portable chair. Gabriel gave me lots and lots of outdoor clothes, boots, and even a hat. It was enough to last through a month of camping. Dr. Green’s gift was an extra blanket, waterproof card games, some folded towels inside a pink panda carry bag, and a bath kit with organic soaps.
Mr. Blackbourne gave me some music CDs for the stereo, a set of flashlights, a journal with some fancy pens, and an emergency whistle, which he said I’d need if got into trouble since my voice hadn’t worked properly in a while.
Kota’s gifts were all kits: a fire-starting set with waterproof matches, compass and a waterproof map of South Carolina, a first-aid kit, an emergency food stash and water cleaning supply kit, and bug spray and sunscreen.
Amid all the camping gifts, there were other items, too. A small plush bear, a tennis bracelet, books, my own iPad, gift certificates to spas, tickets to a play sometime in the spring, and many more things that made me start to get overwhelmed.
I opened up a necklace from Mr. Blackbourne—it was a crystal rose pendant. As I was looking at it—watching how it captured the light, Kota spoke from across the room.
“I thought we all agreed just to get her camping equipment,” he said with a smile.
“I just got her one other thing,” Luke said.
“Me, too,” Victor said. “Or maybe two. I thought she could actually use the spa after a week of camping so that technically counts as a camping gift.”
“Well, then her own iPad should count as a camping gift,??
? Nathan said. “She was borrowing Victor’s all last week. I figured she wanted one—and she can use it to pull up maps and survival books.”
Kota chuckled. “I guess the books count as camping gifts, too.”
“It’s okay,” Victor said, opening up a jacket he’d gotten from Gabriel. He folded the collar of it neatly. “She got everyone else something extra, too.”
I didn’t mind him spilling the beans; if they knew, then they might not feel awkward for getting me extra. But as I looked around, I couldn’t tell if any of the boxes were from me. Victor had wrapped them, so I wasn’t sure what colored paper he used.
The boys looked at each other at the same time, blinking in confusion.
Gabriel moved first, diving into the few remaining gifts in front of him. “Where? I don’t see anything.” He held up a box and examined the label. “I love the fuck out of you Doc, but I want to see Sang’s gift.” He glanced up at Erica and then at Jessica, each watching with amused smiles. “I mean fudge. I love you like fudge...Don’t listen to me.” He put the box down and sorted through the gifts he hadn’t opened yet.
“Did I miss it?” Silas asked. “I got the Wiffle ball set.”
“They’re in the tree,” Victor said with a grin, leaning back on his hands. “You’ve been looking at them all day and you never saw them.”
He’d hidden them in the tree? Even I hadn’t noticed. I looked at the tree from where I was, but was dazzled by the lights and their reflections on ornaments, and couldn’t see anything.
Gabriel and Luke scrambled to get up and check it out.
“Get mine for me, Luke,” Silas said, pushing his pile of paper toward the middle of the room. “I’m going to step on someone's things if I try to climb over everything.”
“Yeah,” Nathan said, kneeling amid a pile of wrap. “I can’t get around this stuff. We got too much this year.”
Luke reached in among the branches and then pulled out one gift: a small box wrapped in silver paper with a delicate pink bow on top. He checked the label. “For North,” he said.