“What do you mean?”
“I think you need to stick with Kota,” he said. “I think you need to...to convince him that you care too much about him to just walk off with another team. Know what I mean?”
My heart raced against my ribcage. My hands were on his shoulders and I felt my fingers tightening, steadying. “Nathan...”
“I talk to him about you sometimes,” he said. “I try to gauge how he feels; he gets really quiet when I go too far.” He looked down at my lap, brushing his palms along my thighs. “I know he’s not convinced you’ll be around later. I know him; he’s trying to distance himself from you to prepare himself for if that happens.”
“So I shouldn’t push him?”
“I think if you just hung out with him more, tried to get him to know you’re really into him. It’d change how he feels and he won’t be such a grump ass about all of this.”
I bit my lip, unsure of what to say. Kota must not have been keeping his feelings to himself.
“I know I have a hard time with seeing you with the others,” he said. He looked at me, the intensity unmistakable in his eyes. “I like things better when I’ve got you to myself. I couldn’t stand it if you left. I’d probably go, too.”
“You can’t,” I said, although without conviction. But I realized in that moment, if I left, they’d follow. They’d all said it in one way or another.
This meant that now—more than ever—we’d have to make this work, or it would all fall apart. “Nathan...I know about the plan. I know what Mr. Blackbourne wants us to do.”
“Crazy, isn’t it?” he said with a frown but searched my face for my reaction.
I looked away, at the wall, the window. It was hard to talk about because I knew how he felt. “I don’t see another way for it to work. Not if everyone wants to stay together. Maybe Mr. Blackbourne is right to do this now. If the Academy doesn’t make us split up, then we have to make it work. It might break everyone otherwise.”
His fingers pressed into my thighs as he breathed out slowly. “Sang, look at me, sweetheart.”
I slowly shifted my gaze to him.
His eyes shone as he looked at me, his eyes steady on mine. “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” he said. “All I know is it would kill me if you left. It’d kill me if Kota left, or any of the others.”
I nodded, unwilling to say what that meant. I didn’t want to push. It was the plan, and I’d heard he was having a hard time with it. I couldn’t get myself to be the one to start talking about it.
He continued. “I...just...” He bent his head down, bending over low and cuddling it in my lap. “This is fucking hard.”
I brushed my fingers through his hair as he rested and sighed against my leg. I was afraid to express how I felt, but despite how hard it was, he needed to hear it. “I care about you, Nathan. I don’t want to see you unhappy.” I took a breath and forced myself to continue. “I don’t know what will happen, either. I don’t know what this will look like a week from now or even a year from now. I don’t want to let go, though.”
He brushed his cheek against my thigh and then straightened himself up, looking back at me. I dropped my hand from his head to his shoulder. “You can’t go anywhere,” he said, his tone a notch higher and huskier than before.
I nodded, biting my lip again.
He seized me around the waist, pulling me toward him until my knees were against his sides. “Tell me you’re not going anywhere.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere. I mean, I want to stay with you all.”
“Then that’s what we’re going to do,” he said. “We’ve got to get our game plan together.”
Give them confidence, and they’ll never fail you. That’s what Mr. Blackbourne had said. Maybe he was right. “You said to convince Kota.”
“Yeah,” he said, nodding. “I know he cares about you, but he’s trying to cut himself off. He’s being really distant whenever I try to talk about you. I think we just need to push him. You...you need to push him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mr. Blackbourne is right; focus on Kota. We need to convince him. Convince him you’re staying and you’re with him, that you won’t go anywhere.” He pressed his lips together for a moment, tightly enough that they started to turn white. He released and then leaned into me, his nose almost touching mine. “If that means I have to watch you sitting in his lap all week, kissing him...just don’t think anything of me walking away if I need to.”
“I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.”
“We’re going to be uncomfortable for a good while,” he said. “I don’t know if we’ll ever be comfortable, but I’d rather be uncomfortable and keep you around than see you on some other team that won’t understand you. Or...just...Kota’s wrong. He’s not thinking right. He worries too much, and not just about himself, but about all of us. If you can get him to stop worrying for five minutes, he might calm down.”
I nodded. I pushed him back so I could slide off the dresser. “I guess I can stand a few cold nights to convince him.”
He pressed his lips together again and nodded before he leaned down and picked up his bag. “I get you here with me nearly every night. It’ll be hard to go a week with you sleeping in another cot. Possibly on the other side of the tent, depending on how this goes.”
I put my pack back on and smiled. I needed to make them all happy and if I kept being positive, maybe it’d make things easier. I was glad he’d told me how he felt. Maybe he wasn’t okay with the plan, but he, too, was starting to realize it might be the only way to keep us all together. “It’s just one big sleepover week. You like those, don’t you?”
“The warmer, the better,” I said with a smile.
He grinned, wrapped an arm around my shoulders and nudged me toward the bedroom door. “I’ll keep you warm. Let’s go, Peanut.”
The morning was chilly, but with the thermal pants, I was comfortable. Only my face and fingers felt any of the cold.
The street was still. I checked on my old house, but it was quiet today. I left a note at the house that I’d be on a camping trip for the week and the number to call if there was an emergency, but I wasn’t sure I could be reached if the signal wasn’t good out there, so I gave her Kota’s mom’s number as well.
I looked ahead as we walked over to Kota’s house, breathing in the cold air. I worried about leaving Marie behind for the week. Kota had said he’d asked Erica to keep an eye on her as well as Nathan’s house since we’d be away.
Sometimes I suspected Erica knew more about my situation than she let on, but I never talked to her about it.
Kota was outside in the drive, standing beside a mountain of supplies near the open garage door. Luke, North, and Silas were nearby. Luke had on thermal pants like mine. North, Silas, and Kota were in jeans, and all were wearing jackets in their favorite colors: baby blue, black, dark blue and green.
Kota was holding a clipboard and started listing off supplies. Luke dug out each item from the mountain, handing it off to North or Silas. They took turns bringing each item to the back of North’s black Jeep and loading it in. Tents and coolers and other larger items were tied up on the Jeep’s top.
I stepped over to stand beside Kota. He looked up briefly, gave me a small smile, and went back to his clipboard.
I looked to Nathan, wondering what to do.
Nathan nodded toward Kota.
I stepped closer to Kota, touching his elbow.
Kota looked at me, lifting an eyebrow. “Need anything?”
“No,” I said. “Unless you want me to help with something?”
He shook his head. “I can’t think of anything. We’ve got a system.”
“How are we going to fit everyone in the Jeep?” Nathan asked. “Why aren’t we taking the SUV?”
“Two cars,” Kota said, refocusing on his clipboard. “Just in case anyone has to leave.” He seemed to want to work and I wasn’t sure if I should let him; I hoped I wasn?
??t pushing him.
“Like if Sang gets scared and wants to come home,” Luke said, pausing to brush some of his blond hair away from his face. He undid the twist in his hair, re-twisting and clipping it back into a messy bun. “Because she’ll freak out the first night.”
“I’m not going to get scared,” I said.
“She’s tougher than she looks,” Nathan said.
“She is tough,” Luke said with a grin and a wink. “She’ll kick nature in the face if it messes with her. I was just teasing.”
I wasn’t so sure. I’d been on hikes but always went home after a few hours. I smiled and was about to respond when a dark silver BMW came around the bend of the road and then parked at the end of Kota’s driveway. Gabriel jumped out of the front passenger seat before Victor could fully stop, and started running toward me. He was wearing jeans, Converse sneakers, and a thick purple sweater. He also had on a neon orange beanie, covering all the russet in his hair, leaving out the blond streaks.
His ears had three black rings on one side, the pink ring on the other, and a pink and orange crystal stud in each of his lobes. He’d worn the earrings the same every day since Christmas.
I thought he was going to tackle me and braced myself for it, but instead, he caught me up in a hug, picking me up off the ground. He held me like that as he staggered forward.
“Sang’s my camping buddy,” he said to Kota.
“This isn’t the cub scouts,” Kota said. “We don’t need to assign buddies. There’s eight of us. As long as you’re near someone, you’re fine.”
“Hi Meanie,” I said, hugging him back, smelling the mix of the new car smell from the BMW, a bit of Victor’s berries and moss, and Gabriel’s own mix of flowers and sweet scents.
“Hi camping buddy,” Gabriel said. He dropped me, finding my hand with his. His palm was warm and I held on while he addressed Kota, “Let’s go.”
“We just need to load up Victor’s car,” Kota said. “And figure out who is riding with who.”
“Sang’s my car buddy,” Gabriel said, picking up our hands over our heads as if we were tied together, even though we were just holding hands.
I grinned, glad that Gabriel was being a little silly and lightening the mood a bit. Maybe Kota needed that.
Kota rolled his eyes. “Let’s load up the cars and we can figure it out.”
Taking his direction, I carried my bag and a couple others over to Victor’s trunk. Kota knew exactly what would fit where, and helped us jigsaw piece it together the way he wanted.
When the cars were loaded, we all gathered around Kota, waiting for instructions.
Kota passed North some papers. “Here’s a copy of our reservation for the campgrounds, the address, and a map I printed off from the website.”
North glanced at the map. “Hunting Island? Not sure if I like this place.”
“There’s no hunting going on where we’ll be. There’s a campground near the beach that I hear is quite nice.”
I perked up. “Beach?”
“It’s winter, Sang,” North said. “No swimming.”’
I huffed.
“Who’s riding with who?” Kota asked.
“I’ll take Sang,” North said. “Easier to keep an eye on her.”
I glanced at Nathan, but he said nothing. Maybe the ride over wouldn’t be a big deal. It was just a car ride—I had all week to get closer to him.
Dr. Green and Mr. Blackbourne were coming along on their own so we didn’t need to wait for them. In the end, Gabriel, Luke, Silas, and I ended up with North. Kota, Victor, and Nathan were going to take Victor’s car.
“Neener neener,” Gabriel said to Nathan. “We get Sang.”
“It’s two hours,” Nathan said. “All three of you will be cramped in the back of the Jeep.”
“We’ll be fine,” Luke said.
I giggled, excited about being on a vacation with them for a whole week. No school. No Volto. Just us in the middle of nowhere. I was having fun already, distracted by what was going to happen this trip. It lifted some of the doubt in my heart. Remember what Mr. Blackbourne said, I repeated to myself. Just tell them, at the end of it all, I want to stay with them.
Silas rode shotgun while North drove and I sat between Luke and Gabriel in the back of the Jeep. It was tight in the back, with our thighs touching and our butts squeezed together. It got warm quickly, and we stripped off jackets and sweaters down to the T-shirts we wore underneath.
It made me wish I’d worn jeans instead of thermal pants.
Soon, we were off. I saw little of the trees as the Jeep flew down the roads. No one said much at first. Luke and Gabriel were gazing out their windows. Silas had his head against the headrest and appeared to be snoozing. North was focused on the road. Since it was early morning, the roads were pretty clear as we followed behind the BMW.
I was worried that the stuff on top would slide around, but North took turns with caution and braked early around stop signs.
The moment we were out of Summerville and on an interstate headed south, Luke yanked out his phone. “Hook me up, North.”
“I don’t want to hear that techno shit this early,” he said.
“I loaded up a bunch of songs that Sang likes.”
North huffed, tensing his hands on the steering wheel as if he wasn’t going to say anything.
Silas sat up and opened up the center console, finding a cord that was hooked up to the stereo system. He passed it back to Luke.
“You guys spoil her,” North said. He slid a glance at Silas. “You know that, don’t you?”
Silas shrugged. “It’s her vacation. Let her have fun.” His phone started to ring. He answered it, listened, and hung up. “We’re stopping for coffee.”
“Fuck yeah,” Gabriel said.
Victor took the next exit, pulling into a Starbucks. North followed.
We weren’t there long, but in that time, I downed a mocha Frappuccino, a half of a slice of pumpkin bread that I split with Luke, half a coffee cake that I pinched from Kota and a bite of North’s egg muffin when he begged me to eat something with protein in it.
By the time we were on the road again, I was bouncing.
Luke flicked through different songs to find one I’d recognize. I hung over his shoulder, watching as he flipped through lots of music. “Got us covered for the whole trip,” he said. “Won’t have to use Internet once.”
“No Internet on the island,” North said.
“I said that,” Luke said, and turned the volume up on his phone.
Soon, Gabriel, Luke and I were bouncing around in the back seat to Korean pop music.
North made a face, and then stuck his finger in his ear, wriggling. “What is this?” he bellowed back at us.
“K-Pop,” I said loudly over the music.
North gave me an eyeball in the rearview mirror. “You like this?”
“I like a lot of things,” I said. I started shaking shoulders. It was really the only move I could do in the limited space. Luke and Gabriel echoed my moves.
“I don’t know if I can take this the whole way,” North said, reaching for the volume control.
Silas’s hand shot out, blocking North before he could touch the volume. “No. Please,” he said. “Don’t make her stop.”
North frowned. Silas nodded toward the rearview mirror. North gave Silas a questioning look, then glanced back at us in the mirror before returning his gaze to Silas. “You fucking pervert.”
Silas raised a dark eyebrow. “What? Pervert? Do you see her face? She’s so happy.”
“Oh,” North said and sat back. “Never mind.” He moved to adjust the mirror.
Silas put a hand over North’s to stop him and grinned. “If you don’t mind, leave it. It’s my vacation, too.”
North rolled his eyes, but he didn’t touch the mirror again.
My cheeks were already warm but they were on fire after listening to this. I stopped bouncing around so hard in the back seat, but it was hard t
o completely stop when Gabriel and Luke were still having fun.
“Sing,” Gabriel told me, mouthing the words.
“I don’t remember the lyrics,” I said. “Maybe the next one.”
The next one I did know. I blushed, unsure if I should start singing when North was already annoyed with the music. When Gabriel and Luke started singing next to me, I started low. It was another Korean pop song with fast lyrics. I’m sure I got most of the words wrong though no one could hear me because Gabriel and Luke seemed to be making up their own lyrics. Eventually, I was laughing so much, I had to stop.
Between the laughing and all the coffee and sugar, my heart was racing.
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. We were having fun and no one seemed worried.
We were going on vacation.
I’d never been on vacation and was suddenly determined to make the best of it.
HUNTING ISLAND
After another thirty minutes, North couldn’t handle the noise anymore and switched the music to rock, but turned the volume down.
We were already sweaty in the back and had stopped bouncing around. Luke had his shirt off. Gabriel had stripped down to a tank shirt. I wished I could take my T-shirt off like one of the guys. North did his best by rolling down the windows to give us fresh air.
“Maybe I should wear jeans,” I said. “I’m all sweaty.”
“You’ll want the thermal pants tonight,” he said. “Maybe even over the jeans.”
It was taking longer than I expected to get there. At the beginning, I didn’t think it would feel like such a long car ride and started to wonder if I should have joined the other car and be around Kota. I wanted to have fun, but I still had something I needed to do.
Victor’s car was ahead of us and we were following. North poked his finger at his phone, but the GPS kept losing us, despite us staying on the same stretch of the state road for several miles. He focused on a map Kota had given him instead.
I leaned forward a little, propping my elbows up on the middle console, studying the map and trying to figure out our location. “Why did we get a map if we’re following Victor?” I asked.