2
“How was your night?” Mum asked as she leaned against the bench in her dressing gown, her hair a mess.
“Fine” I muttered scraping vegemite continually over the same section of toast, the melted butter mixed with the vegemite and toast crumbs had become a paste that I hadn’t seemed to notice.
“I didn’t hear you come in last night” she probed, reaching for the kettle and sneaking a sideways glance at my reaction.
I turned and leant against the bench and put a piece of toast in my mouth and shrugged.
“Did anything exciting happen?”
“Nope” my eyes were fixed on a crack in one of the floor tiles. The look on Vaughan’s face had played on my mind all night and put me in a bad mood this morning.
Mum studied me as she sipped her coffee; taking mental notes. She would be thinking, I was awake before midday, didn’t seem hung over and was in a bad mood. This would draw her to think drugs, but she knew me better than that so would give me the benefit of the doubt “Is everything ok, anything you want to talk about?”
“I’m fine” I answered and pushed myself away from the bench, heading to my room. The look on Vaughan’s face when I approached the bar was etched in my memory; no guy had ever reacted that way to me before. Now I was left with a heavy hollow unwanted feeling in my stomach, something I had never directly felt before. Rejection and I didn’t like it.
As I left work on Monday afternoon, an inescapable feeling I was being watched troubled me. I looked back over my shoulder to the small heritage cottage that had been turned into an office. The high-rise buildings in the centre of town that surrounded my workplace blocked out the sun mid afternoon, the car park was always shrouded in darkness when I left at 5:00pm. This had never bothered me before, but today seemed different. The only discernible sound was the hollow click clack of my heels on concrete which seemed to slow the more uneasy I felt.
It’s only your imagination, I tried to assure myself; instinctively my handbag was clutched a little tighter to my body as my heart rate jumped. My steps slowed to a halt and I took a deep breath, spinning around the car park and coming up with nothing. “Pull yourself together” I muttered under my breath as the click clack on the concrete now increased in tempo. One last check around the car park affirmed my paranoia, and I checked the backseat before slipping into the car and leaving as fast as I could.
The house was deserted as I arrived home. A note had been left on the table: Doing grocery shopping after work, call me if you need anything, Love Mum.
I dropped my handbag on the table and turned all the lights on, even though the last dying rays of sunshine filled the kitchen. A knock at the door startled my already frayed nerves and I hurried to answer it.
“Hi Nicola.”
My expression must have given away my confusion “Hey Justin, Bec’s not here. She’s at uni until six o’clock.”
“I know. It was you I came to see.”
I tried to hide my surprise “Sure, come in” I said and stepped aside to let him through. He led the way to the lounge room and sat down, patting the space beside him on the lounge for me to join him.
“What’s up?” I tried to sound casual as I sat beside him.
He took a moment to compose himself “I need to ask you a question.”
My heart started to beat faster; I knew where he was going with this. In the two years since I had known Justin had a crush on me, I had replayed this confrontational moment over and over in my head. Every reason I had told myself why I couldn’t be with him had left my mind, although there were no good reasons, there were still reasons.
“Ok, shoot.”
Justin met my eyes. “About what you said on Saturday night?”
“I’m sorry, Justin. I shouldn’t have led you on like that” I put my hand on top of his to reassure him; he turned his hand to entwine his fingers into mine.
“The thing is, you know how I feel about you, and you still say things like that. So I want to know, how do you feel about me?”
Justin was not much younger than me, but he seemed to be an old soul. Mum always told me Justin had been here before; he was very mature for his age and knew what he wanted out of life. Sometimes it was hard to remember that he was only 17. In all of the time I had known Justin, he was always the little boy who followed us around, Bec’s younger brother, but seeing him now, confident, handsome, I realised that he was only one year younger than me; he would be a man soon. This made it harder for me to answer. My throat felt like it was closing. “Justin” The words caught in my throat “We’ve known each other for a long time right?”
“Ten years” he reminded me.
“Right, so I can’t lie to you. I won’t lie to you. I care about you, but I can’t be with you” I felt horrible for having to say these things out loud, my chest was heavy.
“You don’t think of me in that way?”
I could feel my cheeks blush “No, it’s not that” I whispered as I looked away, unable to meet his gaze. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re worried about hurting me?” he tried to stifle a laugh.
“Yes” I whispered, and then the words poured out “I’ve played it out in my head over and over and I keep coming up with the same conclusion.”
“You play it out in your head?” His question was genuine and not in a mocking way. This made it so much harder to let him down because I knew what I was missing out on.
I nodded.
“And how does it go?”
“Well, you make me happy with your sweet, charming self and you’re good to me and treat me exactly how I want to be treated. Then I take advantage of that and break your heart, and I can’t live with myself. Justin, I could never live with myself if I hurt you. I’m too selfish for you. I’m sorry” Genuinely, I was sorry. This was not a line to deter someone I had become bored with; I really believed the words I was saying.
There was a long silence that seemed to fill the room.
“Nicola, you’re worried about hurting me, you’re not selfish at all. I’m glad it’s not because you don’t think of me that way.”
I smiled at him “Me too.”
“Can I do something?”
My heart made a loud thumping in my chest and I nodded.
Justin cupped my face and ran his thumb gently across my cheekbone, his face moved closer to mine. His lips were soft and passionate against mine, and warmth spread through me. All of my inhibitions suddenly melted away. This was the way I had always wanted to be kissed.
Justin’s fingers brushed down my cheek and across my lips, and I kissed them gently. The sound of keys in the front door made us both move away from each other.
“Nic, can you give me a hand, there’s groceries in the car” mum shouted from the front door. “Hello Justin. How are you?” Mum said as she made her way into the lounge room, carrying shopping bags.
“Good thanks, Julia, how are you?” Justin rose off the lounge and took the bags from my mum and carried them to the kitchen.
“I’m good. Are you staying for dinner? You’re more than welcome.”
“No thanks. I was just leaving.”
“So soon?” She shot a dark look in my direction “Well, tell your mum I said hi.”
“Will do. Bye Nicola, see you around.”
I followed Justin to the door, dodging mum along the way. “See you later Justin.”
He turned in the doorway and took my hand, squeezed it “Thanks.”
“Bye Just” I whispered as he turned and left. I watched him cross the lawn, get into his car and drive away. Still standing in the doorway, my head leant against the door frame. Mum stood behind me “Is everything ok?”
I was startled at the sound of her voice and nodded “I hope I have done the right thing.”
Mum let out a long sigh “What happened?” and rested her chin on my shoulder.
“I told Justin I can’t be his girlfriend.”
There was a
sharp intake of breath “How did he take it?”
“Surprisingly well.”
“He is very mature for his age” Mum pondered aloud.
“I know, it’s hard sometimes to believe he is 17.”
“He is also very sensitive.”
“I know that mum” my voice was sharper than I intended.
“What did you tell him?”
“That I would hurt him if we were together.”
“Do you believe that?”
I shook my head and felt my eyes get misty “I don’t know.”
Mum put her arms around me and turned me to her, stroking my hair and I gave way to the emotion. She shushed in my ear “It will all be ok Nic. You’ve done the right thing.”
Friday afternoon Bec called “I saw a poster at uni today; there is a mobster theme night at the Unibar. Do you want to go?”
“Actually, I want to go back to Ivory.”
Bec sighed “Is this about the bartender?”
“What? Vaughan!” My stomach fluttered with the sound of his name.
“Cassie thinks you have no chance. But if you want to prove her wrong, that’s fine.”
“Bec! It has nothing to do with a bet with Cassie.”
“But it is about the bartender?”
I was silent for a second too long “No.”
“Whatever Nic, ok Ivory it is. I’ll see you tonight” she said in mock defeat as she hung up. The truth was, it was not about proving Cassie wrong, but part of me wanted to prove myself right.