But then Julie had her hands over her face, unable to hold back. Matt continued to look down. He lifted a hand and just barely touched Julie’s shoulder before she brushed him off quickly, finally looking directly at him. Her eyes held fury and hurt. “You broke my heart, Matt. You broke my heart. I don’t want to see you. I can’t.”
Every word cut through Celeste. She could only imagine what it was doing to Matt. She was frozen in her chair. This was not supposed to happen. Justin was pulling on her hand, eventually putting an arm around her to lift up. He guided them to a table across the deck and out of Matt and Julie’s view. “Let’s give them a little space, okay?”
She sat down dumbly at the new table, Justin now across from her and holding her hand in his.
“Here have some water.” He pushed a glass in her direction.
She shook her head and looked out over the bay. She would wait. Matt and Julie would take a few minutes to get over whatever hurdle had been keeping them apart, and then they would ease back into their love. They could do this. Neither had left the table, and therefore they must be talking things through. So she would hold Justin’s hand and wait.
She counted boats that went by. She watched the single cloud as it traversed slowly through the bright blue sky. And she counted more boats.
There were many unfortunate things about this moment, not the least of which was that the deck was nearly empty of other customers. Julie and Matt’s conversation could now be heard all too clearly. Justin squeezed her hand as Julie’s voice drifted their way.
“You wouldn’t leave. You wouldn’t choose me. I asked you to come to California, and you said no.”
“You know why,” Matt said. “Julie, you know I couldn’t leave.”
Julie said nothing for a minute. “I know. I know that she needed you. But maybe you didn’t trust her enough to do what she needed to do. She’s strong.”
Celeste turned her head slightly.
“You haven’t seen her. You haven’t seen how she’s been.” Matt was louder now. “It’s only been since she met Justin that she’s come alive and pulled things together. She’d been lying to us about having friends at school and who knows what else. That’s only changed recently. She depended on me, maybe still does, and I’m not about to abandon her. If she accepts at Barton, then Justin will be there for her. It’d be different. She would be safe. But it wasn’t fair that you asked me to leave her two years ago. You know better than anyone what it means to feel protective of her.”
“I do. I know. I just… I just wanted to be with you.”
“You left me, Julie. You left me!”
Justin tried to get Celeste to look at him, but she refused. “You applied to Barton? And got in? Why… why didn’t you tell me?”
How was she going to explain this? “Matt sent in the application. I just found out,” she said numbly.
“You told me to go,” Julie was now saying. “You told me to take the job!” The hurt in her voice was too much. “You said that we would be okay, Matt. You promised.”
“I know. I thought we would.” Matt’s tone softened, apologetic and sad. “I don’t know what happened. You couldn’t forgive me for staying.”
“It’s not like Celeste was still carrying Flat Finn everywhere.”
Celeste stopped breathing; her body went rigid.
Justin tugged her hand. “What is she talking about? Your brother Finn?”
It was all falling apart now, Celeste knew. There would be no recovery from this.
“She put your cardboard brother in the attic, remember?” Julie continued angrily. “Years ago. It was over. She didn’t need him propped outside her bedroom door anymore; she didn’t to talk to him to feel stable, and she didn’t rely on Flat Finn to get her through the most basic parts of daily life. I think she would have been okay without you.”
“You just said it. You think. I couldn’t take that risk. What if I’d run off to Los Angeles to be with you, and she lost everything? Don’t you dare blame her.”
“I’m not blaming her, but what was I supposed to do? Not take the job?”
“I didn’t say that,” Matt said. “I understand. You had to take care of yourself, and I had to take care of Celeste.”
“It’s the same thing all over again, back where we were before we were even together. You keep sacrificing yourself for her, and then you have nothing left to give. ”
“I’ll do it for the rest of my life if I have to.” Matt was angry now.
“That’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you. You know this, Matt. You’re making her responsible for what happened to us, and maybe you were just too afraid to commit to me. I think that’s the real reason. You used her as a crutch because you were scared. And so I left. And then you stopped loving me. We were too far apart. In every sense.”
“That’s not true. Don’t say that.”
“I could feel it. And now, I can’t forgive you.”
Celeste slammed her chair back and rushed to their table.
“I thought you were gone—” Matt started.
“Oh God, Celeste, I’m sorry,” Julie begged. “I’m so sorry.”
She grabbed the car keys from the table and ran from the deck. Tables, diners, and staff nearly invisible to her as she found her way to the parking lot.
Fight or flight.
There was no fight to win here. She couldn’t. Flight was her only option. And so she flew.
“Celeste!” Justin was running toward her as she started up the Corvette and slammed it into reverse. There was panic and confusion and shock in his demeanor. It was awful.
She wanted to pretend he didn’t exist, to just escape. And so she did. She soared out of the lot and drove. And drove and drove.
Shifting from third gear to fourth felt good, but every stoplight agitated her more. Then she pulled onto a highway. Fifth gear felt better, stronger. She stepped on the gas until she was doing ninety and passing cars that were going too slow for what she needed. The power felt good, the speed freeing. She found the ocean on her left and drove up the coast, changing lanes often, leaving everything behind her. It was a rush, intoxicating, distracting. Driving took her out of herself, and that was needed because she couldn’t stand to be who she was now. Maybe not ever.
But she couldn’t shake Flat Finn. Of all the things for Justin to know about, there would be no recovering from that one. Humiliation coursed through her entire being. It didn’t matter that Flat Finn had been gone for years. The simple fact was that he had indeed been her constant companion for a long time. It was not normal, even though she’d been much younger, and it was not anything that she could explain away. Or even laugh about. Even today—even today—she couldn’t laugh about him. Because she missed that cardboard representation of Finn; he’d given her strength and an ability to cope that she hadn’t been able to muster on her own in the wake of her brother’s death.
How truly weak it was, what she had needed then. And how pathetic it was what she needed now, now in this day of ruin.
It was forty minutes before Celeste pulled over onto a beach area. She could breathe again, her thoughts crystallizing.
The slam of the door followed her as she took off her shoes and walked across the hot sand. Her feet were probably burning, but she kept a slow pace, dragging them through the sand until she reached the shoreline. Celeste dropped to her knees, letting the last edge of a wave inch toward her before pulling back. Gone again. Then another one approached, testing what it was like to become part of her, and then leaving. As every one would. And as everyone would.
When the sand was bare, she noticed, there was nothing left. No imprint, no pattern, just nothing. As though the wave had never been there.
It was what she would do. It would be as though this year had never happened. It would simply disappear.
But then he was next to her. Justin. And now she would have to make him disappear, too.
He knelt down. “Celeste. You’re hard to track down, d
id you know that? I mean, I like fast driving, but I lost you about ten miles back, so I just followed the coast line and hoped I’d find you. Guess the Corvette was a good choice, because it stands out.”
Another wave, another exit as the water ripped away from her.
“I mean, if you’d been driving a Civic or something, it might have been impossible to ever find you. Too many of those around. Are you hungry? We didn’t get to eat. You must be starving. I know another really good place to take you. Let’s just go. Let’s get out of here together. I can leave my car. Or whatever you want?”
She dug her toes into the wet sand, grinding the rough feel into her skin.
“Celeste, please. It’s okay.” He dropped down all the way now, sitting in front of her in the path of the water. “Why didn’t you tell me that you got into Barton? I know you won’t go, but you should have told me. Obviously, you’ll go to Harvard or any of the other amazing schools you got into, but you still should have told me.”
In order for this to end, she would have to speak. So she forced herself.
“There are a lot of things I should have told you, Justin, so that you would have known that I am not someone you are able to save.”
DREAMS AND TRUTH
“WHAT ARE YOU talking about?” Justin was gentle. More than he should be, given what she was about to say.
“I am not going to dream anymore. I am not going to pretend that I am anything that I am not. That I could never be, not really.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Are you not able to see? Your understanding of me is clouded because you think you have feelings for me.”
“I do have feelings for you.”
“They are not real. They are not grounded in truth.”
“I know who you are, and I adore you.”
“No. I am too damaged. My eccentricities too insurmountable. I have been trying to behave as though I can attain a normal existence and have normal experiences and interactions. It is a charade. My past is indicative of who I am and who I will always be. You perhaps find my character temporarily amusing, interesting even, but you will tire of me, and this will fall apart.” She looked at him now. “I do not want this with you. This relationship cannot survive. It cannot survive me.”
Justin’s face paled and he began shaking his head. “No. No, don’t say that. No, no. You can’t do this.”
“Yes. I can. I have to. In my heart, I am weak. You have now heard about Flat Finn and about how I carried around a replica of my dead brother for years. That is bizarre. And because of my weakness and fragility, I am responsible for the destruction of Matt and Julie’s relationship. The destruction of my brother, really. Matthew knew that I would disintegrate without him then and now, and he is likely correct. I will not let you sacrifice yourself for me the way that he did. And it will happen.”
“What? What are you talking about?” He was panicking now, his voice shaking and his breathing irregular. “No, no. I am not sacrificing anything for you. And you are not weak. Do you not see that? You don’t, do you.” He stood up and paced in front of her. “You have more strength than anyone should. All those years that you were alone? That you isolated yourself? You didn’t have friends, you didn’t have anyone to be close with, to talk with, or… or play with. You were alone. That must have been painful, and yet you rallied anyway and kept going. It takes strength to stay apart from the crowd. You are brave, Celeste. So what if you found a way to deal with your brother’s death that was a little unusual? Good for you. It was a smart thing. I don’t care what you had to do to get through something so painful.”
Celeste was shut down now, speaking in a monotone. “You will never be able to look at me the same way now that you know. About Flat Finn, about how I have taken everything from Matthew. I am a drain on those around me. That will not change. I am weird. As I said yesterday, I am certainly diagnosable, and that makes for something too drastic for you to have to deal with.” She inhaled the truth, choking on the conviction of what she was saying. “Do you see how quickly I come undone? With a snap of the fingers. I had a bout of temporary sanity. It was a joke. An illusion. Now I understand the nature of my character and the expansive impact that I have on others.”
Justin put both hands in his hair and continued pacing, talking quickly, desperately. “You don’t get to tell me what I want and don’t want. God, we’re all probably diagnosable. Look at the world around you. Look! We all have something. All of us. Every single person in this world has a quirk. The guy in my lit class who can’t stop sniffing every time the professor mentions the words thematic representations? Or… or… or the way my friend Trent gets a new body piercing every time he gets an electric shock on the job? That’s weird, right? But it’s cool. It makes him who he is. I mean, I wouldn’t do it because that’s not me, but it’s him. And… and… I never understood the whole piercing thing, myself. Seems a rather extreme and painful way to express yourself, but—”
“Justin, stop,” she said quietly. He was coming apart. Another thing that was her fault.
“No, no, I will not stop. And how about me? What about how you are with me? What about the snowy owl? Remember that first night that we went out, and I spilled and tripped and babbled and made a huge disaster out of everything? You didn’t care, right? Tell me you didn’t care? I know you didn’t. That’s how you are. And I don’t care about any of this stuff about you that you think is not okay. You have to stop hating yourself. And stop assuming that everyone else will hate you. Please, you have to. Look how much you’ve done this year? You have Dallas and other new friends. You were great at Barton yesterday. And you have me. Sometimes you need someone else to believe in you, to carry you, until you can do that yourself. Let me carry you. You’re almost there. Damn it, Celeste, you’re almost there. God, please, you have me, and I want you.” He stopped walking back and forth and put both of his hands over his heart. “I want you so much.”
She looked at him, utterly exhausted now. “You only think you do. It will pass. I will not allow you to be further dragged into my dysfunction. You know how to work with whatever you imagine are your challenges. I do not. I refuse to be a burden on you or anyone anymore. We are over.”
“Stop it! Matt made choices and those are his responsibility. Don’t blame him for loving you.” Justin’s eyes were red now. “And don’t blame me either. What about this weekend? What about everything that has gone on between us?” He got on his knees in front of her and took her by the wrists, pressing her hands against his chest. “I love you. Do you feel that? I love you, Celeste.”
“You are mistaken. You cannot possibly. And even if part of you thinks you do, I will not let you.”
“Listen to me!” He pressed her hands more tightly to him. “Don’t doubt my love. Don’t doubt yourself. You don’t get to do that. Remember we talked about the fight? You’re in it again. So win. Fight for yourself, fight for me, for us. For… for whatever you need to. But win this battle and win the war. This is not the time to give up; it’s not. God, you’ve worked so hard this year; you get more and more comfortable every time I talk to you, so don’t stop now. Everything is lined up in your favor, so I’m telling you, win the war. Finish it. You need this to be over.” He tried so hard to smile. “You’re a pacifist, anyway. You are. Let the past rest. Let there be a future. Find the peace.”
Celeste stood up, her emotions dulled. She was unable to cry, unable to feel. It was time for her to go. She took the car keys from her pocket.
He put both hands on her legs, trying to stop her. “You are more capable of being loved than you understand. And—Celeste, this is important—you nurture and love and protect more than anyone I have known. Or could know. Don’t take that away from me. From us.”
She had to gasp for air. It took enormous effort to get these words out. “My future is to be alone. No one will get hurt that way. You believe that differences make the world go around? You are wrong. People die, people are cruel, people lea
ve, people get hurt. They damage each other, reject each other, abandon each other, they break up, and they spiral downward. Those are the things that make my world go around. There is no allowance in my life for happiness despite my efforts. It is fleeting only and cannot hold. I have failed, and now I surrender. I cannot tolerate having anything to lose. So I choose to let you go before you are pulled into my darkness and lost. Because you, you of all people, Justin, deserve light.”
Now she was drained. Now there was nothing left. She turned from him and walked away, leaving him on his knees in the wet sand. Looking back was not an option. Celeste could not bear to see what she had done to him. It was better to do this today than months from now, when their hearts were further entwined, when the pain would be even greater.
When Matt returned to the hotel, they would drive to the airport and take the first flight back to Boston. Life would resume as Celeste had known it—life before she’d had hope, before Justin, and before that enticing taste of joy had broken through her walls.
Only this time, she would not have Matt, because she would have to let him go, too. It was the only way that she could free her brother.
ERASED
NOT THAT BOSTON was known for gorgeous weather during March, but this year it felt particularly brutal. In more ways than one.
At least Justin’s endless voice mails, texts, and emails had subsided. Blocking his number had been nearly crippling, but she’d done it, and she never replied to any of his emails. She hadn’t even read them. It was the only way to erase him from her life.
Matt was proving more difficult. He had respected her refusal to speak to him for the first few days after their disastrous trip, but he was showing up at the house for dinner more than she liked, pushing her to talk to him. She rebuffed all of his efforts. It was exhausting to behave in anything resembling a friendly manner in front of her parents, but she forced herself each time. She did not want to explain any of this mess to her parents. In fact, he was downstairs right now, having invaded the house under the guise of needing to borrow an iron because he had a job interview this week. No one in the world could have any confidence that he knew how to iron even a napkin, so Erin had taken pity on him and was currently ironing his brand-new dress shirt and pants. Celeste had made herself scarce and was in her room.