Almost.
“I think James suspects,” I say just loud enough for Sam to hear me. “You shouldn’t have taunted him last night—you know how he gets about winning.”
“I told you. I don’t care anymore,” he says. His mouth brushes across my cheek, pausing to nibble on my earlobe. “I want everyone to know you’re mine. The sooner they do, the sooner I can get you out of that house.”
“He’ll kill us.”
“He’ll be seriously pissed off, yes, but he’s not going to kill us.”
I’m not so sure about that. Not with how unstable he’s been lately. He may not kill me, but he’ll definitely try to kill Sam. “Not yet, okay? Promise me.”
He sighs and presses his forehead against mine. Softly, so the words are almost lost to the loud water, he asks, “Do you love me?”
Hearing the fear in his voice, my breath catches. Every night since our walk at Leslie’s, I’ve lain in my bed and asked myself this exact question. My answer has gotten stronger with each day we’ve spent together. Whether he’s keeping me safe or making me laugh when all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry, Sam’s quickly becoming my everything. He’ll never replace James, but Sam is exactly what my brother can never be.
“Yes,” I whisper.
He gives me a sad smile. “Then why are you so desperate to hide that we’re together?”
I don’t know how to explain it so that he understands. Telling everyone will destroy my brother, and the thought of causing James more pain than I already have makes me sick. There has to be a better way for me to get what I want. I’ve been telling myself that if I can hold Sam off a little bit longer, if I can save up enough money to prove to James that he doesn’t need to worry about me all the time anymore, he’ll take the news better.
Maybe.
When I don’t answer, Sam’s arms slacken around my waist and he looks away. For one horrifying second, I think he’s going to break up with me. My blood runs colder than the water swirling around us and I hold onto him even tighter. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
He eyes me. “More than James?”
“Yes.” The guilt-ridden truth of what I’m saying floods every cell of my body. I may not want to hurt James, but if I had to choose between Sam and my brother, I’d choose Sam. Several delicate threads of my sanity snap with the realization.
“Really?” Sam blinks, obviously taken aback, making me wonder just how feral I look clinging to him like this.
“Yes,” I say again.
He presses his forehead to mine and gives me the sexy little half-smile I can’t get enough of. “For the record, I love you, too.”
Every part of me melts at his words. As we kiss, first gently, then deeper and more desperate by the second, my bra comes off. Then my panties. The sight of both, sopping wet and drooping from the ladder rungs, jars loose the panicked thoughts I had on the drive up to the lake. Desperate to prove myself wrong, I grab the waistband of his boxer briefs and try to tug them off. If I can just get him naked, I’ll know for sure—
He grabs my hands and places them on his chest. “Please don’t.”
Please don’t? Is the thought of me touching him that repulsive?
I back away, arms folded across my chest, my stinging eyes glued to the swirling water in front of me. “How can you say you love me when you don’t want to be with me again? Was the first time that bad? Or did my scars freak you out?”
Sam gapes at me. “That’s not it at all. I can’t believe you thought—” He takes a deep breath and drags his hands through his wet hair. When he pins with me those intense gray eyes, my knees wobble. “I love you,” he says. “Everything about you. I was afraid you might still be sore, and I didn’t think I’d be able to stop if we got too close. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
The relief that floods my chest is stronger than I expect and my body sags. Pressing my back against the wall to keep myself steady, I stare at the boy who loves me because he wants to, not because he has to.
He wades closer and grasps my shoulders, peering intently at me. “Are you? Still sore, I mean?”
Sniffling, I shake my head. “Haven’t been for days.”
“Thank God.”
I’ll probably regret the scrapes and scratches on my back in the morning, but I love the desperate way Sam crushes me against the concrete wall and shows me just how perfectly we fit together. The intensity in his eyes, how our heated skin slides together in the cold water, the way he gasps my name at the end…I’ll never forget this night as long as I live.
“I called UCLA,” he says afterward, smoothing wet chunks of hair back from my face. “They’re letting me in. When I leave in August, I want you to come with me.”
I rest my head on his shoulder. “They’ll never let me live in the dorms with you. And school…I have to finish school.”
“We’ll get an apartment,” he murmurs in my ear, pulling my legs up around his waist again. “And then I’ll help you get a GED fall term so you can apply to UCLA, too. Say yes.”
I close my eyes and shudder. He’s offering me everything I’ve ever wanted—him, freedom, and a life far away from my father. James will be devastated.
This decision is mine.
“Yes.”
Thirty-one
Sam freezes against my body, and for a second, I think I said the wrong thing.
But then he curses and grabs my bra and panties from the ladder. “Someone’s coming. Get dressed.”
Putting on a soggy bra feels like an impossible task, but I quickly realize doing it underwater is the only way to get the fabric to stop sticking to my skin long enough to shrug it into place. By the time I resurface, I know who’s found us.
Alex.
Sam helps me up the ladder and tries to shield me from view as we scramble along the wall with, but Alex’s hoots of laughter when he sees us wake half the forest, I’m sure of it.
“Shut the fuck up!” Sam growls.
“Oh, man,” Alex says, wiping tears from his eyes. “I hope it’s worth it, because James is going to kick your ass!”
“James doesn’t know,” I say. Feeling naked, my arms snake around Sam’s waist, loving the way his stomach muscles clench beneath my hands even though I’m half out of my mind with fear. “I don’t want him to know. Please don’t say anything.”
Alex waves me off. “I’m so drunk, I probably won’t even remember this in the morning. In fact, I’m lucky I didn’t get lost in this fucking forest. You guys have the right idea, though.”
When he strips off his t-shirt, exposing his ripped abs and chest, my nails dig into Sam’s skin. He’s a redheaded, bruise-free version of my brother. Panic sets in immediately.
“Turn around so I can get dressed,” I choke out.
“Nope. I’ve always wondered what you look like under all those clothes. What’s with that, anyway? You’re hot, Sarah.”
Sam’s body clenches tighter than his jaw. Alex thinks he’s getting a show, analyzing what he thinks is a normal body hidden behind his friend in the shadows. When Sam grabs our clothes and moves toward him, I’m sure we’ll be carrying a very bloody, very unconscious Alex back to camp. Mortified, I hang my head and wait for this to be over.
Alex’s wolf whistles and catcalls abruptly die when Sam’s body no longer shadows mine.
“Oh, fuck,” Alex blurts out.
The grim look on Sam’s face when he turns around makes my blood run cold. Standing there in front of them, my hands shielding my wet bra and panties in case they’ve turned see-through in the faint light, I feel my eyes welling with tears I don’t want to shed. I lift my chin and try to meet Alex’s gaze, but his eyes are still glued to the scars on my stomach.
“Now you know,” Sam says. “And you will keep your mouth shut.”
The two of them drop back into the shallow stream on the other side of the wall and Sam reaches up to help me down. No sooner do my feet hit the ground, Alex lurches forward to yank me into hi
s arms. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell us?”
“I thought you guys knew,” I mutter, trying to put distance between my bare stomach and his. “How could you not with all the crap he did to James?”
His massive shoulders and strong arms keep me in place. “Your dad did this?”
Who else? I want to ask, but Sam is clearly not enjoying the sight of his mostly naked girlfriend in the arms of another guy. He clears his throat and Alex backs away.
“Here,” Sam says, and hands me my clothes. “We should get back before James wakes up. Where’s Kelly?”
“I left her puking by the lake,” Alex says as I shrug on his sweatshirt. “Forgot all about her when I saw you guys sneaking off. Guess I should go find her, huh?”
We stare at him.
“Going,” he says, balling up his t-shirt. He hesitates, glancing at my stomach again even though it’s covered. “You know you can call me anytime, right?”
“Thanks,” I say, right as Sam glares at him and says, “She’ll call me first.”
“I care, too, you know.” Alex’s frown morphs into a lopsided grin. “Hey, did you know I was her first kiss?”
Drunk as he is, Sam’s menacing step forward is all the warning Alex needs. He raises his hands and backs away. “Yep. Definitely going.”
Sam says nothing while he yanks on his own clothes, oblivious to my mouth hanging open. “Alex” and “caring” are two words I never would’ve put together. And even more strange…I believe him. At least he wrapped it up with a predictably disgusting comment about the kiss I’d like to forget. When Sam takes my hand and leads me into the trees, I shake the craziness out of my head.
Up ahead, I hear Alex stumbling and cursing his way through the underbrush. He seems to be going in the right direction. Maybe that’s all Sam needed to hear, because he stops me next to a big tree and stares at the ground.
His dark eyes are barely visible in the flashlight’s dull beam, but I don’t need to see them to feel their force. He runs a hand through his hair. “I get why James kept you away from us now. I can’t stand the thought of you going to Alex instead of me. I want to be that person for you.”
I touch his arm. “You are that person. And it’s not like he was serious. He’s Alex.”
“Doesn’t matter. And it’s not Alex, it’s me. I can’t control it.” He steps closer, cupping my cheek in his palm. “Every time my dad left for a deployment, he’d make me promise to take care of my mom. He loved her so much, the thought of something happening while he was away killed him. The last time he left…”
Sam’s voice breaks and his eyes close. I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his neck.
“I get why my dad felt that way, now,” he whispers.
Thirty-two
When I wake up, James is sitting cross-legged on his sleeping bag watching me. His calculating gaze flickers from my face to my hair to my olive green sleeping bag, which is still unzipped from last night. I didn’t zip it up when Sam and I crawled back into the tent, terrified he’d hear it. I paid the price by freezing all night long.
Feeling uncomfortably naked under his scrutiny, I drag the ancient sleeping bag to my chin and sit up. “What?”
I expect him to ask why I’m still in bed when everyone else is gone. He doesn’t.
“You look like shit.”
My hands go to my hair, which feels like a tangled, mangled mess. With the chaos of Alex finding us, I didn’t think about how it would dry after swimming in the fish ladders. There’s probably a bunch of crap knotted into it. Moss, even. I frantically smooth down the unruly mass of waves and scramble to come up with a good lie. “My pigtails must’ve fallen out.”
“So it seems.”
James stands up and yanks off his shirt. I focus on one of the few scars on his chest—a jagged zigzag right over his heart that came from the tree at our old elementary school and not our father—and try to pull myself together. I’m so focused, when he unties his flannel pants and drops them and his boxers to the floor, I suck in a breath and turn away two seconds too late.
He chuckles. “Jesus, Sarah. You act like you’ve never seen a naked guy before.”
A wave of panic threatens to turn my stomach inside out. There’s no way he knows. If he’d woke up while I was gone, he wouldn’t have gone back to sleep until he found me. He was still out cold, sleeping bag tangled around his legs, when we snuck back into the tent around three. To be sure, I listened to his light snores mingling with Sam’s even breathing for an hour before letting myself drift off.
The zipper on our duffel bag slides open and shut. Fabric rustles as he shoves his legs into new boxers and shorts and pulls on a shirt. It sounds like he slings the duffel bag over his shoulder, but I refuse to open my eyes until his nakedness is erased from my mind.
“You’re gonna have to hitch a ride back home. I’ve gotta be somewhere and I can’t wait around for you to pack up your shit.”
When he steps out of the tent, I flop onto my back and stare at the navy blue fabric of the tent, swaying lightly in the morning breeze. Where is Sam? Whenever we’re apart, it’s like every trace of happiness he and I worked so hard to create gets zapped out of my heart like static on a plastic slide. I feel like two different people—a normal girl with a hot boyfriend when we’re together, and then the wilted shadow I have to be at home. I hate it, now more than ever.
Things only get worse when I finally stumble out of the tent into the warm morning sunlight. Apparently Alex wasn’t drunk enough to forget what he saw last night because he’s there, waiting outside on one of the boulders.
He shoots to his feet. “So, um, your brother left, but I don’t want you to think I had anything to do with it. I swear I didn’t say anything.”
“Okay.” I look around him, hoping to see Sam nearby, but it’s just me and Alex. I choose a boulder across from his and sit down. “Where’s Kelly?”
“Don’t know, don’t care. There is something seriously wrong with that girl. Is James coming back for you?”
“No.” I avoid his probing stare and try to remember where Sam’s car was parked when we pulled up. Alex only has a motorcycle, so they would’ve had to carpool to get the tent and all their stuff up here. Hopefully there will be enough room for me.
“Hey, about last night…I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I always knew something was up, but James swore he had everything under control so I let it go. I mean, who could take care of himself—and you, for that matter—better than your brother? The guy’s a fucking maniac in the ring, just like your dad.”
I hardly have the chance to glare at Alex before he scrubs his face with his hands and lets out a half-hearted chuckle. “Probably not the best comparison. Forget I said that.”
“Hey,” Sam says from behind me.
The second our eyes meet, all the heat and love I felt last night before Alex barged in on us rolls over me like a tsunami. I hesitate—do I throw myself into his arms with Alex right here, or do I act like last night never happened?—but Sam takes charge of the situation. He slips his arms around my waist, pulls my back to his chest, and plants a kiss on my temple.
The goofy grin on Alex’s face is enough to make me smile a little.
“It’s about goddamn time,” he says. “Now, what’s for breakfast?”
Thirty-three
We leave Alex on the sidewalk in front of his house with the tent and camping stove. I’m surprisingly disappointed that Sam didn’t offer to help stow everything away because I’ve never been to this side of town—the “nice” part of Granite Falls. The two little redheaded girls running around on the lawn in front of the giant blue house are like miniature, feminine versions of Alex in their matching green dresses. I’ve never pictured him as a big brother.
“So I’ve been thinking,” I say when we pull away from the curb. “The first thing I want to do when we get to L.A. is go to Disneyland.”
Sam chuckles. “I was kinda hoping you’d want to go to Magic
Mountain. The rides are supposed to be awesome.”
“And the beach. I want to go to the beach, too.”
“Only if you let me buy you a bikini,” he says with a sly grin. “Can’t go to a California beach in all those clothes. The sun will be good for you.”
I scowl at him even though I’m loving this conversation. He’ll have to work a lot harder to get me in a bikini. Still, it feels incredible to be talking about our future together like this. Like maybe things are going to be okay. “We’ll pick one up right after you buy me a guinea pig.”
“The dog I plan on buying will eat your guinea pig. Sure that’s a good idea?”
Grinning, I slide my hand across the center console to his knee, my fingers tracing a path of hearts up his thigh. “All of my ideas are good.”
When my hand reaches its destination, Sam jerks the car into a gravel parking lot. I barely register the store in the distance before he has me unbuckled and in his arms. This intense desperation is one of the things I love about Sam. Drowning in it—in him—keeps me sane.
Unfortunately, I’m losing sight of the goal. “So about that bikini…”
“You play dirty,” he grumbles. “Finish this and you can wear whatever you want and have your damn guinea pig.”
“Deal.” With a triumphant grin, I pull away and buckle my seatbelt.
“I meant now.”
Sam’s smoldering gaze could burn down a forest, and for a second, I consider giving him what he wants right here in the parking lot of Shop Mart, but no. I want all of him and we won’t have that kind of privacy here.
“Take me home, and I’ll more than finish what I started.”
We reach my street faster than should be possible without a rocket-propelled car, but the two red lights and four stop signs Sam runs probably has something to do with it. How could I have ever thought he didn’t want me? I laugh as he careens around the last corner and hits the gas. Thankfully, it’s a quiet Sunday afternoon and most of the town is holed up in one church or another.