“He stayed the night,” she hisses.
“Yeah, that still doesn’t mean anything.”
“Mali, you have to stop this. You’re digging a bigger hole and soon you’ll sink in it. Tell him who you are.”
I should, God, I know I should but . . . I just . . . I can’t. I need to know what happened in his life; I need to figure it all out so I know the best way to approach that.
“I will, I swear. Just not right now. I need a few more weeks.”
“You’re playing with fire,” she warns.
“Yeah, I know that.”
She sighs and we both stand in silence a while. A knock sounds at the door, and I give her a curious look. “Who the hell would that be?”
She shrugs. “You get it, I have no pants on.”
I stare down and realize she doesn’t have pants on, just a pair of panties with a long man-sized shirt. A shirt I don’t recognize. I scrunch my face up and point to it. “We’re going to discuss where that shirt came from.”
She grins.
I turn and walk over to the door, opening it. Who I see is not who I expected to see, and my eyes grow wide with shock. Pippa is standing at the door, with a giant, hot biker behind her. My mouth drops open. I’m guessing the russet-haired man is Tyke, but damn, I never expected him to look like that. He’s hot. I run a nervous hand through my hair, knowing it probably looks as if I’ve been having a good deal of sex.
“Ah, Pippa, hey.”
“Hey Mali. I just wanted to come by and see if you were okay. You were sick last night.”
Shit. I forgot I gave them all my address before we left last night, so they could pop over any time. That doesn’t seem like the best choice right now.
“Yeah, I’m feeling much better. Thanks.”
“I’m sorry to intrude, but I just wanted to know if you’ve heard from Rainer. I know he dropped you home last night, but I’ve tried to call him a number of times with no answer. I’m worried he might be hurt.”
Oh. Man.
I can’t lie to her, but at the same time if I tell her Rainer is here, she’ll know I lied last night. Crap.
“Ah . . .”
“Pippa?”
I flinch at the sound of Rainer’s husky, sleep-filled voice. Oh shit. Dammit. He picked the worst time to show up. I see Pippa’s look of surprise, and then a flash of jealousy crosses her features. Her eyes flick to me, then back to Rainer, and I turn to see him standing, wearing the shorts he had on last night and nothing else. That’s because he has nothing else with him.
“Rainer?” Pippa says, her voice shocked and a little pained. “What are you doing here?”
Rainer’s eyes move to me, then back to her. “I stayed the night. I was tired and Mali was good enough to let me stay on the couch instead of having to driving home.”
Oh My God. He’s lying to her. He is openly lying, even though he knows I could call him out on it. My heart explodes with pain, unlike any I’ve ever felt. He’s ashamed to admit he slept with me. He’s ashamed of me. I meet his eyes, and I can almost see him pleading with me to agree with him. It hurts so badly, and I know he can see it. I know he can.
I turn and look back at Pippa, forcing a smile. “Yeah. Sorry we didn’t let you know.”
She smiles. “I’m glad he didn’t drive home. I was worried he’d been hurt after that fight.”
“I’m fine, sweetheart,” Rainer says and nods at Tyke, who has been silent through it all. “Tyke.”
“Rainer. Good to see you.”
“Oh, how rude of me. Mali, this is my boyfriend, Tyke.”
Tyke smiles at me and I have to force mine to look real in return. He extends a hand and I take it, shaking. He’s a big man, not like Rainer but enough that his hand curls around mine, swallowing it. “Good to meet you, Mali.”
“You too. Anyway, I have to get to work, so maybe we can catch up another time?” I say to Pippa.
Her face lights up. “I’d love that. Maybe I can pop in for a coffee this afternoon?”
I nod, flashing her a real smile. “That’d be great.”
I turn and walk past Rainer, refusing to look at him. Mimi gives me a pained expression, one that tells me she knows exactly how that felt. I force a smile but it wobbles and she reaches out, as if she wants to pull me into her arms, but quickly drops her hand.
“I’ll just say goodbye,” Rainer says to Pippa. “Then I’m all yours, beautiful.”
“Should we go for breakfast?” she asks him. “Tyke has to go back to the club.”
“Yeah,” Tyke grunts. “Take her out. She’s tearing the walls down at home.”
Rainer chuckles. “I’ll do that. Wait for me outside.”
I rush up the stairs, hoping to get to my room and lock the door before Rainer gets to me, but he manages to catch up just as I reach my bedroom.
“Mali.”
I freeze, my hand on the knob, pain and agony ripping through me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt her.”
Hurt her? She is with another fucking man.
“Get out, Rainer,” I say, twisting the knob.
“Fuck it, Mali, don’t be pissed at me.”
I spin. “Get the fuck out of my house.”
“You said this was casual,” he says, his voice low and almost gentle.
“Casual, yes, but I never expected you to make me feel so fucking worthless. Is it really so horrible to admit you slept with me? Am I really that fucking awful?”
“Jesus, no.”
“Let me guess—you didn’t want poor Pippa to hurt. Did you fucking ever stop and think that I might be hurt?” I scream. “Oh wait, no, of course not. I’m just a cheap fuck, right? You know, if you’re so worried about what she’ll think, you should consider keeping your dick in your pants.”
“Mali . . .”
“No,” I say, pushing the door open. “I’ve known a lot of people in my life, but not one of them has ever made me feel as worthless as you just did. Get out of my fucking house, Rainer.”
Then I step in and slam the door, but not before I burst into a fit of pathetic tears.
~*~*~*~
Work is slow, and I know it’s because my heart is aching. I should have expected it. Rainer told me from the start he didn’t do connections, but stupid me went ahead and assumed he would respect me enough to not make me feel like a cheap lay. Mimi tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t do it. I got dressed and rushed out of the house, broken-hearted and defeated.
“Mali, order up,” my boss, Jake, yells.
“On it,” I yell back.
I walk over, take the coffee and serve them to the young couple smiling dreamily at each other. Vomit.
“Mali, hey.”
I flinch at the sound of Pippa’s voice and turn to see her standing, smiling at me. God damn her perfection. Why can’t I be more like her? So pure. So beautiful. My heart aches, but I smile, because she’s a sweet, amazing girl, and it’s not her fault Rainer is doing what he’s doing.
“Hey, Pip.”
“I thought I’d come for that coffee.”
I smile. “Right, of course. I’m just finishing up.”
“I’ll wait.”
She grins and takes a seat at an empty booth. I finish up my shift and Jake lets me go, so I join Pippa, who is now sipping a latte. I slide onto the seat and she stares over at me, studying my face. “How are things?” she asks.
I know she’s not here to ask me that. Pippa wants to know about my relationship with Rainer, and I love that she’s being sweet about it, but the fact is she wants to know and I’m going to tell her . . . kind of.
“Look, Pip, both you and I know why you’re really here, so just ask the questions. I don’t mind.”
Her face softens. “Am I that obvious?”
I shrug. “You care about Rainer. I’d do the same thing.”
“I do like you, Mali. Please don’t think I’m here just because of him.”
I smile at her. “I know that.”
r />
“I just . . . I care about him, and the situation between the two of you has me curious. You look at him differently and I’ve never seen him . . . spend time with any woman except me.”
“What Rainer and I have is casual, Pippa. He made that clear.”
“Then why did he stay at your house?”
I sigh. “He already answered that.”
“And he lied, which he never does.”
She figured him out. That doesn’t surprise me.
“Surely you can see that he’s in love with you, Pippa. Don’t you think it makes sense that he’d lie? He’s trying to protect you.”
Her eyes flash with pain. “I don’t expect him to protect me anymore. I want Rainer to fall in love; I want him to be happy.”
Anymore? What does she mean by anymore?
“Well obviously he cares about you, and I think a part of him hopes you might be jealous of other women. I don’t know. All I know is, he lied because he didn’t want to hurt you.”
“And he hurt you instead.”
I meet her eyes. “I’m just casual, Pippa, and I’m okay with that.”
“Do you really think I believe that? I see you looking at him, Mali. There’s something in your eyes, a deep pain, almost a regret. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve known him a long time.”
I have.
“I . . . I just feel a connection to him, is all. I understand him. I know where I stand though, Pippa.”
“But you’re not okay with it.”
I shrug. “I don’t get a choice.”
“I was a little jealous, you know. I’ve never seen him with another woman, and even though I know he does it, seeing him looking at you? It did tug something inside me.”
“No offence, Pippa and I mean that, but you are taken . . .”
She smiles warmly. “I know I am, but I do love Rainer. Not with the same intensity that I love Tyke, but . . . I love him, Mali. I do.”
“I can see that.”
“It bothers me that I get jealous sometimes, because I know it must be so hard for him to see me with Tyke, but Rainer and I have a bond unlike anything I’ve ever had in my life. Circumstances forced that upon us, but I don’t regret it.”
“Circumstances?”
Her eyes grow dark. “Rainer hasn’t spoken to you about how we met?”
“Casual relationship, remember?”
She nods. “Well, it wasn’t nice, but if he hasn’t told you, it’s not my place to do that for him. Sorry, Mali.”
I nod. “I understand. I just . . . I can see so much in his eyes, so much pain.”
“There’s a lot there. Go easy on him. He’s never had a relationship before.”
“He hasn’t?” I ask, narrowing my eyes. “Not even one?”
She shakes her head. “Well, not since I’ve known him.”
Oh, Rainer.
“What about that tattoo on his chest?” I say, knowing I could be playing with fire here. “The girl’s name?”
She shakes her head, confused. “I haven’t seen it. He must have got it in the last few years.”
She hasn’t seen it . . . so it’s recent. Why would he put that there, if he can’t really remember me?
“Oh, right.”
“What does it say?” she asks, studying me.
“Emy.”
“Oh,” she says. “Yeah, he told me about her. She was a friend he had from childhood.”
“Oh, right.”
“He said he doesn’t really remember much, but he knows she was important. He struggled with memory loss after . . .”
I want to ask after what, but I know she won’t tell me. “Did he not see her again?”
She shrugs. “I honestly don’t know. I think he’s just at a loss right now. He doesn’t know what his life holds.”
“I get that,” I admit.
“Look, Mali, I know you care about him, I can see it. I just . . . please be careful with his heart. Rainer is a broken man, more than you could ever imagine. I know that you accept what he’s offering, but if you can’t and you feel like you need more, step away. Please. He’ll only give what he can, and it’s going to take a strong woman to accept that. You’re a good woman, Mali, and you deserve love. He can’t give that to you. If you’re okay with that, then I won’t stand in your way, but if you’re not . . .”
“I get what you’re saying, Pippa.” I meet her eyes so she can see I’m sincere. “But you need to understand something about me—I believe in second chances. I believe anything can be fixed with the right kind of love. I won’t hurt him, I promise you that, but I’m not going to give up, either.”
She smiles. “I didn’t think you would.”
She would be right.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THEN – MALI
This is crazy!
We’re at a beach party and it is absolutely packed. It’s the last semester of school before we’re all ready for college, and people are becoming more and more excited with every passing day. We’re all ready for the big, bad world. Rainer and I are planning on going to the same college, which is super, because I don’t imagine I could be parted from him for long. It wouldn’t be the same without him.
“Check out slut-face glaring at you,” Kenny says in my ear, pointing at Missy, who is sitting on a log beside some handsome guy, glaring at me.
I wave with a giant grin on my face, and I can nearly hear her huff of frustration from here.
“You’re evil, and I love it.” Kenny grins, thrusting a cup of beer into my hand.
“I can’t help it. It’s in my blood.”
“Rocking new shoes. Did you buy them today?”
I look down at my new chucks that I’ve paired with skinny jeans and a black and white baseball shirt. It’s my look, and I love it.
“Yeah, Mom got them for me. I think it was a ‘happy you went out with a boy’ gift.”
“I’m surprised she would be seen buying shoes like that.”
I laugh. “I can imagine her face when she entered that store. She would have been horrified.”
We both chuckle.
“Come on, let’s walk in the sand. Is Rainer here tonight?”
I shrug. “I think so.”
“Missy has the shits he isn’t fucking her brains out anymore.”
“Poor Spastic Plastic. She never could keep a man.”
Kenny snorts and we make our way down to the soft sand. There are people everywhere, so it’s hard to tell person from person. I do recognize one face, though. I see Jack. He’s standing with a gorgeous blond girl, his arms around her, lips on her neck. I stop dead. I didn’t expect Jack to keep perusing me after our last encounter, but . . . I mean, we dated . . . he asked me to be his girlfriend, and he never even tried to tell me it wasn’t working out.
I might have forgiven Rainer, but I was still interested in Jack, so seeing him like this hurts. A lot. I thought he was just taking time, maybe figuring out his head, but I did expect him to have the decency to let me know he wasn’t interested anymore.
“Shit,” Kenny says, figuring out what I’ve just seen.
“He . . . I thought . . .”
“He’s a dick,” Kenny says, grabbing my arm. “Don’t let it upset you.”
“He never broke it off with me. I mean, I know he was pissed over what Rainer did but . . .”
“He’s a dick,” Kenny repeats. “You’re worth more.”
“No,” I say softly. “I’m not. I never will be.”
“Emalie,” he says, but I hand him my beer.
“I’m done.”
I turn and walk up towards the cars, hurt and confused. I get things were a bit tense between Jack and I, but I thought we had a bond. I thought something was happening between us. Obviously I was wrong. Like always, everything I think is right isn’t. Stupid, angry tears burn under my eyelids and I want to scream and tear my own hair out with frustration.
“Emalie?”
I stiffen at the sound of Jac
k’s voice.
I keep walking. I go past the car and up into the thick trees separating the beach from the road. It’s a park, but it’s dark right now so I can’t see where I’m going.
“Wait!” he yells.
Kenny must have gone and said something to him. I don’t need his pity. I keep moving, but Jack catches up quickly, taking my hand and spinning me around. I slap at him, but he doesn’t let me go.
“I didn’t know you were here,” he says.
“Oh, so you didn’t mean to get busted with another girl?”
“No offence, but we’re not even together.”
“You asked me to be your girlfriend,” I cry.
“Yeah, and you let that pig of a friend ruin that.”
“It was a bad night. I was confused, but I was always going to come back to you, Jack.”
He shrugs. “Well, I didn’t know that, did I?”
“Obviously I was wrong about you, and that’s fine.”
He doesn’t let me go. “You can’t expect a man to wait around when you’re interested in your best friend.”
“I wasn’t interested in him. I was interested in you. Jesus, to think I was considering sleeping with you.”
I jerk my arm from his but he doesn’t get out of my space. “What?”
“Never mind.”
“Emalie, wait.” He catches me again, pulling me into his arms. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry. Give me a second chance.”
I fight a little, but stop when he cups my jaw in his hand. “I’m sorry, I read it wrong. Let me make it up to you.”
“You were kissing another girl.”
“But I wanted to be kissing you.”
“Y-y-y-you did?” I whisper.
“Yeah. In fact, I think it’s about time I kissed you again.”
He leans down before I can protest and presses his lips against mine. I allow this, because I want to believe him. I want to believe that he’s telling the truth, that he just read it wrong, that he really wants me, but something feels off. I realize what that something is when his hand cups my ass. I allow this, too, because I’m so desperate to be accepted. To be wanted. To be needed.
“You’re beautiful,” he murmurs, pressing my body against his.
He thinks I’m beautiful? My heart swells.
His hand moves around and cups my breast, and it’s such a shock I jerk back. An ass squeeze is one thing, but the breast is taking it too far. “Jack,” I say, squirming. “I’m not ready.”