‘I bet your dad loves them,’ he says.
Again, his eyes hold mine. And I want, more than anything, to tell him to come with me, down to the reserve. I want to say loads of things. But instead, I just nod and smile and say,
‘Keep watching her.’
CHAPTER 45
I walk to Dad's ward. All the time I'm wondering about what Harry suggested. Would it work? If I could make my flying model move like a real swan's wings, would the swan really copy me? Could I teach her to take off? It seems too crazy to even try. But Harry said he'd come with me. He'd see the swan. It's exactly what I'd wanted. So why didn't I agree? I step around the man mopping the floor. Perhaps it's because now it's me who's scared, I'm scared of something happening to him and it being all my fault.
I wait for Mum outside Dad's ward. She smiles when she sees what I've got bundled up in my arms.
‘You finished?’
I nod. ‘I've brought them for Dad to see.’
When we walk past the ward desk, the round Scottish nurse who seems to be in charge puts her hand firmly on my shoulder.
‘You want to bring that into the ward?’ She looks disapprovingly at my flying model.
‘The wings are stuffed,’ I say. ‘It's for Dad.’
She raises her eyebrows at Mum. ‘Just this once,’ she says. ‘But they're not staying.’ She turns away from us, shaking her head.
Dad's sitting up, waiting. ‘What's the fuss?’ he asks.
I look behind to check the nurse isn't watching and place the wings on Dad's bed. His eyes widen and sparkle. He runs his hands over them slowly, turning them over, unfolding them to examine the stitching.
‘This is fantastic,’ he says, smiling as he recognises the climbing harness. ‘Did Granddad help?’
I nod. ‘You should see them when they're on. They work and everything.’
‘Like a real swan?’ He shakes his head in amazement, just like Granddad did.
I almost tell him how Granddad walked into the hospital with me this morning, how he nearly came to visit. But I don't want Dad to be disappointed when I say he didn't stay. Instead, I help him to stretch one of the wings fully so that it lies flat across his bed. He touches the primary flight feathers, the longest ones at the tip.
‘What would it feel like to have wings, eh?’ he murmurs. ‘To be up there with the swans!’
He looks out at the pale sky, and his eyes glisten. I think of my dream of Dad flying up into the sky, away, with the swans singing all around him. I think of the swans hovering above when he fell down in that field. It makes my throat tight.
He reaches across for my hand. ‘Don't worry,’ he says. ‘Soon I'll be waking up with a pig in my heart and a smile on my face. It'll all be fine.’
I try to smile back, try to believe what he says. But it's hard when he's got tubes coming out of his arm and I can hear the nurse behind me telling Mum that his blood pressure has got higher.
I lean across and rest my head on his chest. I can still hear it; still beating strongly.
‘I'll see you tomorrow,’ I whisper. ‘After the operation.’
And he grasps me tightly around my shoulder. ‘I'll be here.’
CHAPTER 46
I don't want to go home. Tomorrow, first thing, they'll put Dad into a special ward to prepare for the operation, and I don't know when I'll be allowed to see him.
As Mum drives, I bury my fingers into the swan feathers and scan the sky for birds. When we pass Saskia's street, I notice that the For Sale sign has been taken down and I feel guilty for a moment that I haven't returned the calls she's left on my mobile recently.
As we're waiting at the traffic lights near the pub, Mum asks me about Granddad, so I tell her what happened in the hospital. Mum sighs. After we pull into our driveway, she leans across to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.
‘You know why he's like that, don't you?’ Mum says. ‘Ever since Nan died, he's had a thing about hospitals. He seems to think they make people sicker.’
I feel suddenly cold as I think of Dad by himself in the ward, waiting for his operation.
‘But Dad will be OK, won't he?’ I ask.
Mum looks over at me as she turns off the engine. ‘What happened to Nan won't happen to Dad.’
She waits in the car. I find Jack in his room, staring straight ahead at his Everton poster.
‘Mum will drive you in now,’ I say.
His eyes linger on my flying model as he gets up from his desk. ‘I bet Dad really loved that,’ he says quietly.
He brushes past me and stomps down the stairs and I stare after him, surprised that he's said something nice to me for a change.
CHAPTER 47
Later, the three of us sit in the living room with the telly on. None of us are watching it. Mum keeps getting her mobile phone out of her bag to check it and Jack's bouncing his football on his knee.
‘Back in an hour or so,’ he tells Mum, leaping up from the couch.
Mum nods but doesn't seem to register what he's said. He slams the front door behind him. I watch him through the window turn right towards the park. I check my watch. It's nineteen hours until Dad's operation starts. I look over at Mum.
‘I'm going out, too.’
I feel bad about leaving her on her own, but I can't stay in the house. It's too hot and stuffy inside, and I feel so tense. I want to run. I really want to be back at the lake, but playing football with Jack will have to do.
Jack's so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn't notice me trailing him. In a moment I'll catch up and ask if he wants a kick about. He jogs through the park gates, heading towards the swings. I'm about to call out to him when I see there's a girl there, kicking at the woodchips. It's Jess from the athletics team, the girl who tried talking to me before. Jack runs right up to her and kisses her on the mouth.
I kind of freeze for a second, watching them. It's so odd seeing Jack do that. I mean, he doesn't talk about girls or anything and he's never said he has a girlfriend. I stay where I am, just inside the park gates. I don't want to move in case Jack hears me. He would be so angry if he knew I was here. I watch Jess's hands pressing on Jack's back, grabbing at his shoulders. It makes me wonder what it feels like, being kissed like that . . . kissing. All that passion being thrown at you by another person.
I force myself to look away, and edge around the corner of the playground. I don't want to go home yet; don't want to sit with Mum and worry about Dad. I keep my head down until I get to the football fields. I start to run.
I lengthen my stride past the cricket pitch. Without the swan beside me, it's not as easy to go fast. I focus on the ground beneath my feet, at the blur of green grass. I crouch forward and try to imagine what it might be like to run with the wing harness around me.
I run in a big circle round the fields and soon I'm back where I began. I arch my spine and let myself breathe. The clouds all look like wings today: big, puffy, light grey wings. As I walk back to the park gates, I notice there's a crowd of people in the playground, sitting on top of the castle in a huddle. Jack's there, and Rav, and some girls. Crowy's there, too. I feel myself blush when I see him, and then feel stupid immediately. I run my arm across my face and wipe off the sweat. Even with a beanie covering up Crowy's hair, he's gorgeous.
I intend to walk past before any of them can spot me, but Jack calls out.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Just running.’
I study his face. He doesn't look mad, perhaps he hasn't clocked the fact that I must have seen him when I walked in. Or maybe he doesn't care. He's got his arm around Jess now and he's grinning. I want to scream at him until he stops looking so relaxed and happy. It doesn't seem fair somehow when Dad's so sick. I kick a piece of woodchip against the climbing wall.
‘When will you be home?’ I ask. ‘It'll be dark soon, you know Mum will worry.’
He frowns and I think he's going to say something nasty, but I stare him down. He nods once, then turns
to say something to Jess. Crowy crawls along the castle towards me.
‘We saw you running,’ he calls down. ‘You're pretty fast.’
My cheeks get even hotter. He laughs as he notices.
‘You should come play football more often,’ he says.
Jack leans over and thumps him on the arm. And Crowy laughs and crawls back towards a girl I don't recognise. Jack slides down the fireman's pole and steps towards me.
‘Happy now?’ he grunts. He turns to say goodbye to his mates and I start walking past the swings.
‘Good luck with your dad,’ Jess calls out.
‘Thanks.’ Jack's voice is soft and high-pitched and doesn't sound like him at all. When he catches up with me, his mouth is clenched shut. It's as if he's fighting some emotion inside him, something he doesn't want to come out. He lopes ahead of me, heading for home.
CHAPTER 48
It feels like I hardly sleep. I keep dreaming about swans. I dream that Dad is flying with them, his arms held out like short, sick wings.
In the morning I pad down to Mum and Dad's bedroom. Mum's still sleeping, all alone in their huge bed. She wakes up when I crawl in next to her.
‘I don't want to go to school today,’ I say. ‘I won't concentrate with Dad's operation.’
Mum sighs really deeply and hugs me to her. ‘This is the last time,’ she says.
I go down to the kitchen and make toast. Jack comes in. He sits at the kitchen table and stares out of the window.
‘Robin,’ he says. ‘On Dad's bird feeder.’
I step towards the window to see it properly and it doesn't fly away. Then a small, round coal tit arrives and starts taking the seeds, too. I step right up close to the glass. The coal tit looks at me with its tiny, dark eyes before turning back to the seed. This makes me wonder. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've got some sort of power over birds and they all act funny around me. I place my fingers on the windowsill and stare at the coal tit. I wait for it to turn to me again and stare back, like the swan does. I lean forward until my nose is against the glass.
‘You'll scare them,’ Jack says.
I ignore him and focus on the birds. I start to lose feeling in the tip of my nose as I watch. The birds just keep pecking at the niger seeds. The robin doesn't even look at me, not once. I rest my forehead onto the glass, giving up. The birds fly away.
‘See, I told you.’ Jack scrapes his chair from the table and starts making his breakfast.
Three hours until Dad's operation.
Then two.
The time passes so slowly. I can't concentrate on homework, can't even concentrate on writing up the report for my flying model. In the end I sit close to Mum on the couch and we watch really awful daytime TV. My eyes keep flicking to the photograph hanging on the wall of the four of us last Christmas. Dad's got a Santa hat on and it looks like he's had one gin and tonic too many. We all look so happy. When the third talk show comes on, I begin to wish I'd gone to school after all. The only excitement is when Harry texts me to tell me he's been researching how swans use their wings.
I've got it! I've found something that says exactly what swans do. Now can I come to the reserve? ;-)
CHAPTER 49
It's after lunchtime when we get the call. Mum takes a while before she comes back into the living room and she looks so much more tired when she does.
‘Dad's operation has been extended,’ she says. ‘The surgeons are having some problems replacing the valve. They'll let us know when they have more information.’
‘Let's go and wait at Granddad's,’ I say. ‘We'll be closer if anything—’
Mum stops my words with a nod. ‘We'll get Jack on the way. It's almost home time anyway.’
Mum tells me to bring homework, so I take the flying model. I sit in the back and hug it to me like a kind of teddy bear. Jack's waiting outside the school gates, his mobile in his hand.
My stomach churns as we make our way across town and onto the ring road. I wind down my window, just a little bit, and cold air hisses onto my face. Mum pulls into Granddad's lane, the car skidding as it goes through a puddle. Jack grabs his schoolbag and I take the flying model, and we go into the house.
Granddad makes coffee. This time all of us sit on the couch and watch crappy telly. Jack pulls out his phone and starts texting. I grab mine, too, and text Harry, but only get as far as:
Dad's still in the operating theatre.
I don't know what to say after that. I save it while I think. Mum keeps her phone on the edge of the couch. It rings about an hour later. Granddad turns the telly down immediately and we all listen to her conversation. She sighs as she hangs up.
‘They've got the valve in,’ she tells us. ‘But they're going to monitor it pretty closely over the next few hours. They want me to come in.’
I wrap my arms around her waist. ‘I want to come with you,’ I say. ‘I want to see Dad.’
Mum touches my hair. ‘No one else is allowed in yet, just me. I'll call when there's more news.’
So Mum goes to the hospital.
Jack goes up to the spare room so he can talk on his phone without me and Granddad eavesdropping. I sit on the stairs and listen anyway, but he doesn't say anything interesting . . . just lots of ‘yeahs’ and ‘sures’ and ‘I'll call you tomorrow’. I bet he's talking to Jess.
I go back and sit with Granddad as he watches the news. Unemployment has risen and there's bird flu in Russia. Granddad stares at the screen, but it doesn't look like he's taking it in. I wonder if he feels bad now about not staying in the hospital to see Dad. I take out my sketchbook and draw my swan. Above her, I draw more swans arriving. Her flock. Dad has a theory about how the flock arrives every year. He thinks they feel a kind of pull towards their destination, as if they have a magnet inside leading them on. Each whooper has a huge heart, too, Dad says, they need it to keep them flying for such a huge migration.
I put my pencil down. I don't want to think about hearts. I go to the barn instead and pick through all of Granddad's old things. I find the bikes that I saw last time. I wheel one out. It's old and creaky and there are cobwebs between the spokes, but it works. Even the tyres aren't that flat. I try to cycle round the barn, which is hard because there are boxes and tables and bits and bobs all over the place. I swerve past the operating table and see that the body of the stuffed swan isn't there any more. Granddad must have moved it.
Mum calls later, but she still hasn't been able to see Dad.
‘There's been another problem,’ she says. Her voice is quiet and distant, as if she is speaking from another country. ‘Dad's had to go back on the heart machine. They have to try the whole support process again.’
‘Can we come in and wait with you?’ I ask.
‘There's no point. Even when Dad's operation is finished, they'll keep him asleep for hours. They won't let you in, and you'll only get bored.’
I think of Harry waiting in his hospital room. I think of the swan on the lake. ‘No I won't.’
Mum doesn't let me anyway. ‘Go to sleep and I'll call in the morning. It'll be fine, don't worry.’
But I can't sleep. There's no way I can sleep now. I just want to run all the way to the hospital and breathe air into Dad's lungs.
‘This time the spare bed's mine,’ Jack says.
Granddad stares after him, unsure whether to get angry. ‘Want my bed?’ he asks.
I shake my head. I'm just going to lie there and think about Dad anyway. Granddad switches off the downstairs lights. I lie on my back and stare into the darkness. The couch arm smells a bit like tomato soup and there's a spring digging into my shoulder blade.
I turn over so I can see the wings on the kitchen table. Moonlight is coming through the window and falling on the feathers. It makes them look luminous, like the wings in the Hans Christian Andersen pictures.
Eventually Jack and Granddad stop creaking about upstairs. I listen to the muffled gushing of the toilet being flushed, the clunk of the heating. I wait until e
verything is silent, then I take out my phone again. I go back to the saved message to Harry and add to it.
Dad's still in the operating theatre and I can't sleep. I just want to be in the hospital. Are you awake?
I press send. My phone starts ringing a few seconds later. I answer it to stop the noise. I get tingly butterfly feelings as I hear his voice.
‘Come in, then,’ Harry says.
For a second I'm not sure that I've heard him right. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Come to the hospital. Come in and see me.’
I move from the couch into the kitchen and shut the door. ‘You're nuts.’
‘No one will know, I'll give you the door code so you can get in. Come and see me, then wait here for your dad. You'll be able to see him quicker this way, as soon as he wakes up.’
His voice is whispery and soft and I wonder for a moment whether he's sleep talking.
‘I can't get to the hospital now, it's dark.’
‘I thought you said your granddad's was only a couple of miles down the road?’
‘It is. But it's still a couple of miles, and it's freezing. And, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not old enough to drive.’
An image of the bikes in the barn flashes into my mind but immediately I push it out. It's crazy to even think about using one of them. I pick up a pen from the table and click the end in and out. ‘Mum would kill me if I left Granddad's now.’
There's a pause as Harry takes a sip of something. ‘But I'm so bored.’ He sighs his frustration. ‘At least talk to me, then. Tell me about your dad. What happened?’
I look out of the window at the blackness beyond. I keep playing with the pen as I tell Harry about waiting with Mum and getting the phone calls and about Mum rushing off.
‘I hate waiting here,’ I say. ‘I just want to do something.’
‘What's it like?’ he says. ‘At your granddad's?’
‘Messy. His couch smells like tomato soup.’
I tell him about the hundreds of stars I can see from Granddad's kitchen window, ones that I can't usually see from my bedroom at home.