Chapter 15 Perverts
The next chapter is about perverts. The first incident happened in my senior year around November 2004. I happened to hear a story from some people in Boca that there was a pervert running around FAU exposing himself in the girl’s locker rooms. So
naturally me and Dave go to investigate this. After about 3 hours of waiting around I see some guy walking into the girls locker rooms and it is him, the pervert. So I see the campus security driving around and I say it is him the pervert. So I point and laugh and also shout pervert! He realizes what is going on. So they chase him, as do Dave and myself. The pervert is like oh s&*^% when he realizes we are all after him. So Dave and I both tackle the guy and campus security says they will handle it from there. One of the girls he was spying on comes up and kicks him in the nuts. So me and Dave point and laugh at him and then fight over the girl who kicked him in the nuts…. just kidding.
Then I heard that there was a girl who was going around exposing herself too. So I set out to find out ( its great material for the book). I find her and it turns out she’s had too much to drink. She passed out in the university center where she was naked, so I happened to have a black marker and wrote Mouse was here on her tummy and drew a mustache and beard on her face. So then the cops come and I tell them she’s with me and I’ll take her home. I just leave her there after she’s sober, which takes forever. Then I yell pervert in her ear just to mess with her. While she’s still drunk she asks me for sex, I tell her no I like them sober, it was tempting , very much so though. She was gorgeous, but I won’t tell much more about that haha. Well Dave sees this and he’s roaring with laughter. So later I ask her to sleep with me when she’s sober. She does, but I wound up being drunk because I was a bit nervous ( I rarely did things like that).
Finally, I see some guy who couldn’t hold his liquor at a frat party on school campus piss his pants and run around announcing it to everyone. He went around shouting hey everyone I just pissed my freaking pants, want to see? Of course, a ton of women are going eww in the background and the guys including myself are like look at that crazy fucker. I of course decide to certify that indeed he has pissed his pants, over the P.A.I also certify the fact that this man is in fact, a crazy fucker. I also use a bullhorn in case anyone missed that. He drops his wallet in the process. I hand it back to him after a while and his ID card slips out its fake as his name is Tits Mcgee. I of course pull this out and wave it to the crowd who is still watching him act the drunken fool. Dave rolls up and sees this, and we have a field day with him although I already have.
We make sure everyone sees his fake id, it says he works as a porn star. So we go on partying our asses off with two gorgeous women, the entire night after we say score one more for the book. The next day, I wind up next to the girl of my choice as does Dave. The drunken fool wakes up pissed off and pissed on. Note it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on. Someone had pissed on him while he passed out He was also exposed by some pranksters who thought it would be funny to steal his clothes. So he wakes up with the word pervert stamped on his head, naked and pissed on, so he was understandably pissed off. He wanted to kill the first person he saw, so I made sure we all left before he woke up. So then we had a good laugh about everything that happened. I went to class hung over as hell, but it was fine since no one cared. I tried to and did act normal. So he finds out his ID is gone and flips out, and then his buddies happen by and say hey Tits mind if we see your alter ego for a while hahaha.
Later next week on a Friday night I went to a party where some guy streaked and tried to make some dude kiss his ass. The stench coming from the guy was unbearable to start with so they threw the guy out on his ass. I was like damn it sucks to be him. He attempted to get back in the party, but of course could not. Add to that that the campus police picked him up for being butt naked in the restroom. He was having fun and also being quite drunk and very stupid in public. He nearly had a psychotic breakdown. I didn’t blame him, after all he s just a prankster. They let him go after realizing he was just a victim of circumstance, they also gave him a pair of pants and dropped him off at his dorm. They told him no more parties for a week. I was watching the whole thing and couldn’t help but laugh and also feel sorry for him. He saw me and was like hey what are you **(%^$#%#s doing here? Well that changed everything, I was like %%$$#@ you buddy, so he got mad and left. I threw a burrito at the guy and he got it all over his shirt. He in turn tried to dump trash in Dave’s car but wound up slipping in it and busting his @$$!!!
Of course Me and Dave wound up driving away laughing. I flipped a police officer off that night and shouted whoo! Then I did the same to the drunken bums in the streets of Miami where Dave decided to drive.
The next incident was October 2004 someone who looked a lot like Dave was going around Coral Springs, the town I lived in, mooning people. Now for those of you who don’t know, that means he exposed his butt to them. He mostly did this from the backs of buses. I joined him in this, but only if people had money, no I’m kidding. He did though since it was a dare. I dared him to do it. I asked Dave if he was the guilty party, he laughed turned bright red and swore he didn’t do it, you can’t prove I did it and you never saw me do it. I laugh and say ok fine you didn’t do it.
So I asked if he knew who did do it. He of course had no idea. I find out who it was though. The guy claimed he was Dave’s evil twin. Similarly, my brother makes a slight appearance in this book. No he didn’t do anything worth adding himself. In the next book he might be a star however. Nah only kidding he’s clean for now. He did dare a man to streak around the high school he was attending, he offered the guy a dollar to do it. Interestingly enough the guy did it. It was front page news I ‘m sure. They caught the streaker later in the day, at Denny’s. One can only imagine why someone would lower themselves like that for a dollar. It was sad however, I mean they interrupted the guy’s meal to arrest him. I mean come on let a man (or woman as the case may happen in the future) eat before carting them off to jail for the night. They found him probably around 6 pm and with his clothes on at that point. He is an idiot if ever I heard of one thank God I haven’t seen him. Thankfully I didn’t get a chance to see that much stupidity up close and personal.
The next day I heard he was expelled from Coral Springs High School. That is going a bit far in my opinion, I mean suspension sure, but don’t make it so he can’t finish high school. That is just too much. I mean his whole life could be wasted then.
Next, around March of this year 2006 there was a suspected pervert running around the USA Campus (University of South Alabama) exposing himself, it was a midget who was smoking dope at the time of the suspected incident. Apparently, he was mad at people for tossing them, beating on them, kicking them around, and making fun of them. He pissed on the cop cars who were pursuing him. He got away a few times but then he exposed himself to one of the officers ( a guy no less) he says yes I’m gay got a problem with that? All his victims he says were men. Well before the cops take him away I ask the guy for an interview, yes I wanted to ask him his motives and how many people he had done this to. Of course, he tries to do it to me and I turn away before he reaches for his belt. I just walk away and then they take him away. He then starts saying you %$#@!@#@ I’m going to get you and then you’ll see mini me (his term for his guy parts). I threw up, it was involuntary, which surprised me since I have a strong stomach, very strong. So the cops cart him off and he goes to court, he gets a five year sentence, because it turns out he was caught with dope on him. It turns up in the USA news that the guy is a dope on his dope. The guy however breaks out and becomes a homeless bum, eventually moving into a retirement home, where he exposes himself to old men, this seems to become more common.
He eventually finds someone who enjoys this type of insanity. The old woman who happens to live there, who by the way is 75 if she is a day, decides to get married to him. He flips out of course because he likes being a promiscuous pervert. So he vows n
ever to be a pervert again anyways. He takes off like a bat out of hell, which is awesome. The old woman chases him out of her old folk’s home. He is faster so she gives up sadly. They would have made a good couple I think. As long as I don’t have to see him again I don’t care haha. He eventually ended up married to another midget in California. I laughed and said thank God for gay marriage.
Chapter 16 random stupidness
I heard a guy ratting on his gang friends one day, he wouldn’t however mention who the leader of the group was or what they were up to. So the cop he was talking to rats him out. He tells the gang members that their friend was a snitch and had the tape to prove it. Can you guess what happened to the guy? Shot dead. Now that guy was really stupid. Another person walks around telling everyone that guess what? I’m going to jail and I couldn’t be happier about it whoopee. I laugh at him and then the cops come to take him away. I shout idiot at him. Apparently he had been caught jaywalking and tried to put up a fight, then drove into a park driving recklessly because he was high. It looked like a scene out of COPS. It was crazy, he actually said oh shit when they came by to scoop him up.
Then on the weekend after I finished college, guys just spontaneously beat the hell out of each other. This was no playfight, they were seriously going at it. So I stop everything and just watch this display of imbecility. (I like to use different terms to describe activities like this) I then just stop and stare at how low the IQ of the room has sunk. I was thinking this is cool, hit him with your cane I thought, and use the denture grip. So then one of the guys kicks the other in the nuts and pushes him into a stop sign. This would end the fight, but the other guy gets up and does the same resulting in the other guy getting ran the ^&*^ over. Well he wasn’t completely run over just bumped into actually. The fight kept going. One guy finally seemed to have the upper hand cracking the other with a cane. The other indeed used the denture grip (he used his removable teeth to pinch him with). They took a few minutes to catch their breath. Then round two began. These guys were having a battle. It was incredible. I had never seen anything like it in all my life. Interestingly, enough both of these men were 70 if they were a day, at least. They were like you young whippersnapper and dad gum it. They flipped each other the bird while fighting. I never laughed so hard in my life. The cops come around and I say no no these two were fighting pointing at the old men. Neither wants to press charges and I asked them why they were fighting. They did it for fun supposedly. I was like damn people are crazy. I just walked away. I watched as the two got pushed into the paddy wagon for the night, they were turned loose, but the judge admonished them not to act like children, which was pretty darn funny considering their ages. One man was named Hubert and the other Ezekiel, Neither name you would expect such hooliganish behavior from. So I call on the P.A. when the fight is raging between these two oldsters and see if their wives are there to scold them, but they apparently were confirmed bachelors. I call on the P.A. after that to call attention to this show of stupidity. The manager catches wind of this and says Good Lord No!
The next day at Publix, two guys were hanging around making fun of people at Publix, particularly me. They were stupid punks, so they tried to rob the store. Of course, they were caught and the cops hauled their sorry butts away. What’s worse is that the manager chewed them out. I wouldn’t want to be in that position. Then when I laughed at them, the manager at the time said it wasn’t funny. I beg to differ it was funny, they were being arrested and they got yelled at by the boss. One stupid thing that I did when I was younger was to fire a person I didn’t like from Publix. It was not official of course, but I wanted to have some fun on my break.
I called a guy named Todd on the PA while on break. I said Todd you are fired F-I-R-D I misspelled it because it was amusing to me. As it was, I nearly got suspended and might have been fired, but I stopped doing pranks at work at least on the P.A.
Then there was a bunch of incidents with a fellow named Fransisco. My first thought was man he is an idiot. Numerous girls were supposedly in love with him. He said anyways. One time he got some guy’s keys stuck in his car door. It was hilarious. Fransisco was a pure idiot, he got fired from his job for his idiocy. I’ll get into the details here. One day he was just hiding out in Publix, not doing work, so he got suspended. A few weeks later he found out he was canned. I was like damn what a fool. A lot of people celebrated when he left. Me and another friend laughed our asses off talking about this. I felt kind of bad but still amused. His last official action before leaving was to grab the PA phone and fart into it, thus letting everyone know what a fool he was.
Then there was Andrew. He was 10 times as bad as Fransisco. He is cool but dumb when it comes to pranks. He used to claim that the boss told me to do extra work, so I checked, and he got made to do the worst for his tricks. He tried to trick Keith too, but he was too smart for him too
. Then there was a guy who claimed to have seen the Pillsbury Doughboy. Now you’re probably thinking so what, he’s a popular character to watch on commercials. But he said he saw the guy at a club drinking and smoking a blunt. He further said he had left the club with two blonde women who were supermodels. Another person claimed to be his lawyer and said to stop slandering her client. Then I told her to be quiet, because I have seen similar things. I hadn’t really, but it was too much fun to pass up. I told her that I had seen the Pillsbury Doughboy on the town with a hooker. He was seen doing the worm and throwing down 100 dollar bills on the bar. He was singing and clearly drunk. He slipped on the bar where strippers were asking him to show them the dough. So he says ok and shows them the goods. I tell his lawyer he was on a date with a friend of mine that night. She claims it’s a look alike, who wanted to make fun of him. She walks away disgusted and I just laugh because it’s the funniest story I could think of. What spooked me was I saw a guy, who was in the doughboy costume, when I went to the club that night. He was indeed with female attention and singing. He had a blunt in his mouth and a beer in one hand. He was wilding out all night. The next day I asked did you sleep well and He says hell no man I was wilding out all night long. I told him he was indeed wilding out all night. He then passed out. It turned out it was my friend Keith Hopper in the doughboy costume, which was why he was willing to tell me of the events of the previous night so freely. I was like man you had girls all over you as the doughboy. He laughed and said I know. I told him we should hit the mall and tell of our adventure.
He agreed and we did. I told him he’s got a lawyer acting on his behalf. The weird thing was he didn’t seem too surprised about it. Apparently people who impersonate celebrities expect that. We decided to go around telling everyone who would listen our story. We sang some Green Day music and laughed at people for no reason. I pointed and laughed at a guy who was fighting for a sandwich. It was a gross looking sandwich at that. Then there were two homeless guy yelling at each other saying you *&%$#@! And !@%$& you. Me and Keith thought that was hilarious, and more so when they started beating the hell out of each other. Gratuitous violence is in fact funny. Involuntary violence is even funnier. So then Keith offers me the doughboy outfit. I decline at first, but he insists saying it would be fun. So I accept graciously, and try to live up to the name, and the wildness. As soon as I come in some woman tries to take a bite out of me. I said I don’t bite on the first date lady. She left looking sad, and asked why she looked sad. She said you don’t remember last night. I said oh yeah I remember last night and smiled. I tell her what happened, and before I could say another word Keith elbowed me in the ribs saying , don’t you remember you were so high you can’t remember last night. I said oh yeah I had been smoking funny cigarettes and drinking. What did I do? Well this girl told me we slept in bed, and on the floor and in the pool and in the Jacuzzi together along with 3 other women. I said no way and winked at Keith. I couldn’t believe he did all this, I mean he just looked to me like he was not the type to do that. Well I try to outdo him, not as a competition thing, but becaus
e he told me to try for better.
So I smoke 2 blunts drink a boatload of beer and 5 women join me in bed. Now remember they think I’m the doughboy so that’s why they do this. (Yes there were a lot of extremely stupid women, and also men, at that bar, the men were the ones who gave me the blunts.) I have a huge hangover from the beer and the blunts, well the blunts balance it out. I realize I was feeling good in the night though. The doughboys lawyer tried to cover it up, but realized we were fakes and quit defending us. Me and Keith lived it up we are currently taking dough nations to keep up the spirit of the doughboy and party our asses off forever like he would want us to. No one gave us money for our supposedly frivolous cause so we gave up on that. I still go out with the costume on sometimes just for kicks. I have it hanging in my closet for anyone who wants to see it sometime. Keith has one too in case he wants to go out with hot women, drink a bunch for free get high once in a blue moon, or perform on stage as a novelty guitarist.
Next there was a young guy who spilled oil on his riding mower and fell in a ditch.
His name was Jack Striker, a rich arrogant fool, who had a bank account bigger than the law should allow. He is so rich that he could buy the state of Florida but he is such an idiot it defies logic. He was singing in the shower one day and had accidentally put a bottle of car oil in his pocket and forgotten about it. He gets his clothes on and goes to ride around on his lawn mower. He gets on and feels something wet and warm on his clothes, completely saturating them. He shouts Oil! and spills it all over the place in his shock. He of course slips off and falls into a ditch rolling down a hill wounding his pride more than his body.
He gets oil all over himself possibly swallowing some. However, he tries to get out and can’t do it because of the oil. He is screwed he thinks. He tries calling someone, but his phone fell out of his pocket and the mower ran it over. Then he tries yelling but no one’s there. He fails to notice the ditch is waist deep. Finally, the fire department is called in because someone notices the town is more intelligent since he’s in the ditch. No I’m kidding, but seriously he is in there for a while because he is such a buffoon. So he gets out and his leg is a bit twisted, and he’s filthy from the oil spill, but otherwise fine. So Jack decides to go to bed since he got out at around midnight and it turns out his mower was stolen. So he goes home saying &%$@#@! Then he trips on a part of the mower and lands face first. He passes out and wakes up the next day with a bum next to him and he’s missing his pants. Of course, he flips out and starts beating the guy up assuming the worst. Two other bums are there laughing at this rich dude who is acting the fool.
Then there was another fool who went around claiming he was Elvis. He kind of looked like Fat Elvis. He was fat enough to be him, and had the stupid shades. He ate like him and took a lot of drugs. He even sang like him and womanized like him. It was great, the picture is going in the next book. This guy was doing this in the FAU gym at around 1pm when I was finishing my workout. I said look at this guy, he belongs in the book. He tried to go on stage at Wackadoos, security threw him out eventually when he was shouting don’t you know who I am, I ‘m Elvis. He slipped on a banana peel, and landed in his fried pb and banana sandwich. This guy apparently tried to shake rattle and roll his way on stage and wound up doing the jailhouse rock. He wound up in the heartbreak hotel. I’m not sure when the King checked out, but he took a pretty long stay at the heartbreak hotel it seemed.
I couldn’t wait to see when or where this fool would strike next. He decided later that instead of being fat Elvis, he wanted to be handsome Elvis, so he went back to college and became an exercise science person, majoring in personal training. I saw him everywhere, and on weekends he would perform as Elvis on stage, of course he became well known as a fool, not a rock star, as everyone with any sense knows Elvis is in fact, dead. He graduated with honors in fact, he opened his own studio but it failed miserably. It was called Elvis’s place. The problem was customers kept buying junk food after the workouts, and not getting their goals met fitness wise. Of course, they blamed him and left the club. I felt bad for now not so fat Elvis, and gave him some advice, but it was too late.
His company died shortly after, but he gained a record contract like the real Elvis did, and performed as a novelty actor. I was happy for this poor fool who lucked out big time. I actually called it fool’s luck.
Next is some fool who apparently had too much stress to deal with life, so he took it out on a pb and j sandwich, that’s right a baseball player for the FAU team starting beating up a poor innocent pb and j sandwich. I was in shock as I watched him beat down the sandwich and yell obscenities at it. I was going to tell him calm down it’s just a sandwich. It was finals week, and he was the star hitter for the team. I decided that telling a guy swinging a bat anything was a bad idea. He had clearly lost it, and someone decided it would be funny to play pb and j by the Buckwheat Boys. Of course, this catches his attention, and he decides to eat the tenderized sandwich. He calms down and someone gives him a sleeping pill. He woke up stranded at the school hours later looking for the sandwich intending to beat on it more. I of course had left hours ago, but some people were commenting on what a fool this guy was. I agreed, I mean he just out of nowhere just busted out losing his mind.
Of course, I just happen to have a camcorder, and he’s embarrassed to hell the next day after the incident. He is laughed out of the university for this. He eventually became a bum and moved to California, nah just kidding he had to go to another school next semester though. He never had another sandwich like that or so I heard. I go around showing everyone the video I took of this fool beating on his sandwich.
Next, there was the teleprompter incident at a baseball game. For some reason, there was a guy on the baseball scoreboard video picking his nose, the stadium held about 40,000 people. Of course, they all see this and laugh at the poor guy, who has no idea what is so funny until he sees himself on the old scoreboard. By then, he’s mortified, which is ridiculous, I mean it’s bad but not that bad. However, for some reason they decide to do an instant replay, but instead of a play coming up, the nose picking incident comes up. It gets so bad, that the guy vows to sue major league baseball. It turns out a prankster had broken into the media area and pranked the poor guy. He goes out onto the field, making a bigger fool of himself on national television. Of course, I catch this on video and start selling copies for everyone to see. He tries to find the prankster and indeed does, beating the holy hell out of him and dragging him around all the bases. I roll over laughing at this guy. Of course, this is all on tape too. The ratings are through the roof for whatever station is covering this, and I almost fall over the fence laughing, thankfully Dave pulled me back in otherwise I would have gotten hurt badly.
The man then goes back to picking his nose, before the cops come to pick him up for the riot, and to tell him what an idiot he is for being on the prompter. I mean this is worse than the soccer riots in England.
About a week after this incident nothing of interest happens. We look everywhere, but the idiots must have been getting smarter I thought. Then it happens. A police officer arrests an old person for not crossing the road fast enough. This was by the way, an 84 year old woman who got arrested. Now I don’t know about you, but if I can still get out of bed at 84, I will be very happy. Heck, if I make it to 84 I will be very happy. I listen in disbelief as I hear about this. I mean come on, this person could barely walk and the cops arrest them for it. I laugh at the idiot who made the arrest. They said this person was obstructing traffic. Well it sounds to me like the cop was obstructing common sense. At least that’s how I see it. Hey make your own call if you don’t agree. So I call the cop a buffoon and leave the bar I saw this on.
In addition to this, on the same day I see that in California the police are cracking down on certain offenders, who you might ask, killers, rapists or drug dealers? None of the above, its jaywalkers. Jaywalkers! I thought you have to be kidding me not a stupid crime like
that, that shouldn’t even be a crime. Apparently priorities got messed up at the station. As it turns out, they claim accidents have been up. It is not like I am going to die crossing the street the wrong way. We have serious problems to take care of, and these guys want to stop jaywalkers from crossing the road. Moron’s logic if ever I heard it in my life. So then after hearing this I walk home, now Mobile is a pretty big town so it takes a while, but all I can think about is the actions of that cop, and the poor 84 year old woman he arrested.
Next I find out that a person who works as a doctor cheated all the way through high school and college. I mean damn they were dumb. You would think they were from the Slackers movie. I mean the guy did some of his surgeries while high he told me. I got an email from an old friend who wanted to be a doctor so this is how I know. His name was Jack Jackson and he was quite the hellraiser. Nobody knew how he lived the way he did and still became a doctor. Some believed he was a cheater, but couldn’t prove it. He got wasted every night during high school, college, and grad school it seemed. He brought home girls to his dorm and worked as a bartender, which was nice since I got free drinks. He ended up robbing banks and doing crime for a high.
He had to keep raising the bar in the end because the high wore off and he crashed into depression. Unfortunately, I thought man what a dope. So he says I’m Jack Jackson you’ll never catch me as he shoots from a car while someone else drives. I drove the car a few times while wearing a face mask, which was great since I didn’t know how to drive and had no liscense or permit at the time. He robbed five banks in 3 hours once. He robs more banks and when he is caught, a mob marches him off to be killed by electricution after his trial. He turns to me and says hey buddy I’m going to the electric chair. Sparks are going to shoot from the top of my head, my hair is going to be sparking. I’m going to sizzle whoo. Everyone will remember me as the most daring man who ever lived. Now that is a dope, a man who lives for the rush so much, that he doesn’t care if he lives or dies.
At the same time I admire him, he was fun and indeed the most daring man who ever lived, I think. Anyways, I got to see him as he went to the chair, hell I joined the mob marching him to the chair. I was saddened to see him go, but then realized if he’s happy to go then I should be happy for him. I cheered him on. Then I see it the electric chair. Sure enough, he has lightning shooting from his skull and he whoops it up all the while, like he’s at a party. I go to his funeral and someone passes wind on his grave. I punch the guy out for that because that day was supposed to be memorializing a great man, and a great cheater, in the classroom and with the women. He helped me get my first girl and my hundredth ha just kidding about the last one, but he always invited me to his wildest parties.
Next, there was a guy who wound up looking at a hot girl and drove his car into a telephone pole. That’s right a telephone pole. My phone was out for 3 days thanks to this fool. In June 2005, I was going to the Davie campus at FAU , and saw some guy not looking at the road but at a hot blonde girl, who it seemed was underage. She was short so I assumed she was. I thought man what a pervert. His passengers tried to warn him, and when he hit the pole he shouted WHOO HOO BOOBS! I see this and hold my head in shock, this was unprecedented. I mean people talk about this, but never see it I thought. Well the blonde did, and asked if everyone was ok. Eventually they end up married, but for now they just met. She helps him out of the car, he pretends he is hurt until medical attention arrives. I couldn’t believe this guy’s idiocy was helping him get girls. He ends up at the hospital and it turns out he is fine and a faker, but it was worth it to see that girl with him. I’ll put the picture of her in the next book too. Believe me it is worth a thousand words. Maybe it’s even worth ten thousand.
So the next day he gets picked up to leave as his car is nearly totally useless. Surprise surprise, the mystery girl is there. She takes him to work and I say idiot, because he wrecked his car looking at her. So I come to the conclusion women like idiots, this explains why I haven’t gotten laid in a week. Haha well maybe I will next week, who knows, so anyways he gets a happy ending. I talk to a girl online who happens to have done the same thing, her name is Lisa, and she’s pretty cute if you like goth girls, she always complains about being fat, and she is mean (note she really isn’t fat, she just says she is for sympathy. My response now is to call her an emo chick. She was driving down the road and in a blast of pure inspiration, decided to look at a guy she claimed was hot. Of course, I couldn’t tell but Dave could. Nah just playing he’s not gay in the least. Seriously, she hit a stop sign while checking out the guy’s butt as she told me. This was after she says I shouldn’t drive on the road. Of course, I tell her look who’s talking. She says if I get my liscense she is going to stay off the road. She tells me to shut up after I remind her of her incidents.
She says she’s dumb, but she’s also pretty cool. She would make a good stripper or Hooters girl. She also weirdly enough yelled boobs when she crashed and probably got the guys attention, I know it would get my attention to hear someone shout boobs. So she ends up chasing the guy , trying to have sex with him ignoring the fact her car is now ruined possibly beyond repair. She got him, my bad. To which I said all right and all it took was you shouting boobs and wrecking your car. Congrats blah blah. I’m telling you I am staying off the road because of her not the other way around haha. Oh and she thinks I am crazy, when she is the one wrecking cars to stare at some dude’s butt. She told me hey at least I have my license. This is not a good point, some people shouldn’t have them.
Then, there was guy who actually instant messaged me on yahoo to tell me he shit his pants. That’s right you heard it here first. A person actually admits they crapped their drawers. I couldn’t believe it. I am going to put the conversation in the next book more idiots. Seriously he goes on telling me how good it feels to s*%$# his pants, and I am just in amazement at his discovery. So he says he’s high, I tell him that explains it, he says he only does this while high. I say sure dude, and then he goes on talking about his habit. I just laugh and eventually he decides to get a new pair of pants, or I assume he does. I would if I had done that and right away too. By the way, the guy also shouted pants when he crapped them, which was hilarious. Then there was a guy who farted in the main air vent at his school. Maybe it was a stink bomb that he set off. In any case, this guy was a prankster, the class clown type.
Next is stupidity-based in crime. This one goes together I mean if you’re a criminal, you’re stupid. That being said, our first criminal tried to break into his high school. Let me stop there, and repeat that so you can grasp the idiocy of this person. His name was Mike and he broke into his high school! He was supposedly forced to play lookout for the others who did the same thing. Of course, I said what an idiot. He was caught and I am sure afterwards the cops had a good laugh about it. They probably claimed this guy’s idiocy is legendary, and it is. He got a tracking device in him as part of his sentence (he was warranted for other things, which makes him more of a moron for doing this. If you have warrants, don’t do more crimes. Don’t break into high school. So when I hear this I’m thinking of the Haha You’re Dead song by Green Day. This was until his girlfriend at the time sends me a message saying how much she loves him. I try to help her out, by finding out how to block the gps, aluminum supposedly blocks it and told her so. By the time she tells him though, he goofed with her and she forgot all about him. What a moron. He got 15 more years and lost his girlfriend who was very lovely, her name is Amanda
. Oh well, as for the moron, I could see it if he was trying to break out of school, that’s understandable, but breaking in? Why would someone want to be there in the first place, and go there when not required to? It was impossible, at least for me. I really couldn’t believe this one at first. I mean I did not go to high school when I was required to let alone when I was not. I skipped my fair share when I was in college too. I skipped more than I should, but usually got good grades. I am planning on cutting out of gra
d school when I go, it’s inevitable. I’m doing it.
Next was the guy who worked at Albertsons and robbed the place. His name was Jon Schneiderhausenwitz. He decided being a service clerk was too boring. He wanted to be like a TV character he saw, who ran around acting like a fool , hooting and hollering raising hell, and doing it again each day. He put on a bad fitting mask and decided to rob Albertsons with a fake gun. Of course, everyone knew it was him, and he says you’ll never catch me. He ran like hell, driving away at around 80 miles per hour. He actually shouted you’ll never take me alive. Well the guy wound up hitting an oil slick that the cops set up to trap him, the guy shouted Oil! This was just like Jack Striker. He spun out of control and hit a tree, which was bad for him because his best friend lent him his car. Of course, a car used in the commission of a crime becomes seized by the local government, so he lost out on ten thousand dollars. Of course, his friend happened by and saw the whole thing. He shouted Oil as well when John hit the oil, then oh shit as he realized what was going on. He ran up and beat the guy for losing him his truck. He, of course, slipped in the oil and fell on his ass. Of course, the cops separate them and his friend gets arrested too. The friend was released since he was clearly out of his mind. Of course, they did take him alive it was great, he went out like my friend Jack did, except possibly less daring since it was not a lifestyle for him. That sucked for him because he wanted to start a new life of crime.
I once considered, wait several times considered a life of crime, but I am too smart for that. That is too bad, since I think I would be the most daring man who ever lived. If I was going to go down anyways, I might as well be the best at what I do. The fool thinks he is going to get the chair for his heinous acts, but in fact the judge gives him a life sentence. He goes to jail and he’s just ready for Bubba to get him haha. Actually, now that I remember right, his exact sentence was three hundred years and five life sentences, because the man was also caught with drugs, weapons, and other things on him he shouldn’t have, including child pornography. He belongs in chapter 15 as well, but what’s the point, I have mentioned enough perverts.
The next fool tries to rob a bank, but winds up shooting himself in the foot, literally. Dave and I happen to be in a bank asking how to deposit our millions (yeah right) and some guy tries to rob the bank. His posse is waiting outside and he’s getting the loot when his gun goes off in his pocket. I, of course, shout fool! He runs off trying to get into the escape car, but Dave again sacks the fool, laughing at him. He literally sacked the guy, with a sack full of coins. Dave then shouted “SACK”! The guy then gets tackled by a bank employee who holds him for some medical attention and also the police. They promptly make fun of him while putting him under arrest. Of course the EMTs laugh at him while hearing the story. Of course Dave gets a hero celebration for his role in stopping the guy. The bank gives him some money, I just laugh at the guy who shot himself in the foot. The guy almost got away though, he tried to get in the car, and blood spilled out so the driver and his friends threw the guy in the road to cover their tracks. That’s when the bank guy tackled him. What an idiot, he trusted crooks to help him. So he goes to jail. Dave gets a celebration at the school cafeteria, or the club, whatever.
I go to the courthouse and raise hell making fun of the guy. I almost spend a day in jail for doing that, but I promise not to act the fool in court again. I did however make fun of him when the judge was not looking. So the trial goes on for what seems like forever. I say look maybe you should let him go. I mean he’s more than punished himself enough for what he did. However, they had to wait for a few weeks until the guy could recover a bit so that he could defend himself. He could barely get to the courthouse because he is such an idiot. I loved seeing this one, it reminds me so much of the show COPS, although I haven’t seen this in an episode. It is true, truth is stranger than fiction. Of course, the guy gets a twenty year sentence for this. It turned out he was warranted for other crimes that run a gauntlet. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll were involved at least three times each over the course of his crimes. He wound up on the news and everything. I was like man what a dope, he murdered, he fornicated with children, did drugs like LSD, he was on PCP when he did his last crime. He actually imed me once to say he %$#@! his pants, oh wait that was someone else. Oh well, he wound up getting Old Sparky to end his reign of crime.
Of course, Dave says look at this guy, he’s a fool, he’s being shocked and he gives the judge the finger. I say well if you’re going to die anyways, at least you should deserve it. He would im me to tell me that.
Next on the list of idiocy was a guy who tried to rob his neighborhood, but the neighbors got him back by burning his house down. He must have seen Home Alone one too many times and tried to rob my house. Well I didn’t try any traps or anything dumb like that. I just put on a ninja mask and waved around a giant sword (which wasn’t real but he didn’t know that.) so he runs out screaming and into a telephone pole face first. When he gets up I chase him, but apparently other tricksters dug a ditch about 20 feet deep with broken glass at the bottom of it. The guy, of course, runs for cover and lands in it, swallowing a fair bit of the glass. I cover the guy with a rug and take off the mask, leave the sword down there with him, and tell the cops hey some guy in the ditch tried to rob my house. He may need medical attention. The guy wound up trying to claw his way out but the EMTs had to do it.
He also realized his house was on fire and said fools! His house burned to the ground, because the fire department was also with the medical department helping him so they couldn’t save his house. He puked however, and the glass came up some cutting him pretty badly. The EMTs tried to save him and did. Eventually, he made a full recovery and then realized he had to go to jail, on trial for breaking in and entering, burglary, and armed robbery , even though an 86 year old woman clobbered him with the old one two, knocking him out cold. I’m not kidding, I talked to her, and she showed me her driver’s license to prove it. Me and Dave had a good laugh about this one. The guy was behind bars and I went to visit him. I grabbed a guard’s bullhorn after he said it was ok, and shouted James Farnsworth is a fool. He got cold cocked by an 86 year old woman who he attempted to rob but failed to rob. Of course, he was the laughing stock of all the hardened criminals in there and they probably made him their bitch. I laughed and walked out of the jail. He swore he would get me if it was the last thing he ever did, but I said that’s tough talk for a guy who got cold cocked by a senior citizen and passed out. He still said he would get me, so I asked the warden if I could have five minutes in the cell with him. The warden said no and said sarcastically, no way man that’s a hardened felon in there he’d hurt you.
In any case, the next guy on the crime idiocy list is a guy who wound up slipping in his own slop and dying. That’s right, a guy checked out because he pissed his jail cell and drowned in it. I almost checked out myself after hearing that. I mean it was hard to breathe from the laughter, but also sad because America’s criminals are the stupidest in the world. Well it turns out some guy was drinking too much pale ale or something, and around November 2005 I hear this story from Dave. I check it out at the jailhouse and it is true. It actually happened in Boca Raton, to which I said score. Well it turns out the guy had to go really bad, and it showed. He pissed his pants, and then all over the cell. He slipped and hit his head where his brains promptly fell out. I commented about the guy having an open mind. He actually drowned in his own urine, which I found to be the height of moronness. I asked the jailer what caused him to do this, and he responded that the man , named Willard Gacy had always been that way, he did things like that all the time he was in the jail. He added that the man only had a week left of his sentence. One week and the guy dies. That is just horrible. I then ask if he had done anything to which they might add to his sentence if he hadn’t died. They said he was planning a jail break and they were going to tack on 70 years to his sentence, if he was convicted. I asked how old the guy was and he said 73. Se
venty three years old, and he would have 70 more if he tried to leave. I said that would suck for him. In fact, I felt for the guy. I mean what a way to go, in his own piss in a prison. Every person deserves better than that. Of course, this gets around the jail house and mixed reactions result. Some laugh at the guy for being so stupid, some feel for the guy and his family, who were probably crushed.
I went to the service for the man and his family, stating I was doing research on this man’s activities and life, so I felt obligated to be there at his passing. His brother ended up falling in the casket by accident and spilling the body outside. He then tried to put the body back in the casket, but wound up falling in it himself. Oh the horror. Ironically his brother was a captain of industry, he had built his own business in shipping. He even went to college for it, while his brother wound up sliding more and more into ruin. Anyways, so for once his brother acts the fool.
Then there was a story about a man who had died, and no one knew for two years that he was even missing. He was a guy who was pretty invisible. Still, I mean someone should know. His apartment bills weren’t being paid, he didn’t show up for work, but the boss kept cutting checks for his job. He was a loser by all accounts. His name was James Huey. He liked to drink a lot, and he sang badly when he did. As it was, he showed up to work one day drunk as a skunk, and walked out early, the boss didn’t even notice. He never made it back. He checked out while taking a dump. The guy skips work, and this is his karmic punishment? Or maybe it is God’s way of finally showing mercy to the man. Whatever you want to call it, it’s an interesting way to go. Of course, he stays in the toilet. slumped and eventually falling on the floor. Now the stench should be getting to people since he’s gone as yesterday. Since his roommates were stoners who never bathed themselves, the smell wasn’t noticed in the least. In fact, they didn’t notice even when he was in the bathroom all the time, which should have been a little strange to them. Of course he never left, but the guys said hey James, what’s up no answer, no problem. The guys finally figured it out when one decided to give up drugs and give his life to Jesus. Then the sober guy figured out James was deader than a doornail.
Of course, all hell breaks loose after this revelation. His boss flips out after realizing he was paying a dead guy for his non work. Of course this is nothing to feel bad about, because in America a man could be elected governor and die. Think about it, and this did happen somewhere in the United States, a man winning election or re- election even though he died. Yes that is correct, a man won an election even though he was deceased, dead, gone from life. People are idiots. They are complete fools. Back to my story. So then his landlord finds out, and is surprised because he had the rent money each month on time and was rarely a problem if ever. He did think it was weird that he never saw him around or going to work. Then the stoners finally get around to telling the police their story. They conveniently leave out the part where he died two years ago. Of course, to be fair, they had no idea how long ago he died, but the last time they saw him active was around that time. It sucks when your brain is the size of a flea’s egg due to pot. This why I never touch the stuff.
I had a friend who knew the scientific process in which drugs do that stuff. People who knew the guy were shocked. Some thought he killed himself, some thought he died of natural causes. Of course, the coroner said he died while taking a dump. That ,by the way, is a sad way to go, but it complimented his lifestyle. I mean he lived sad, he died sad. A lot of people felt sorry for him, but the point is how can anyone be so stupid as to not know someone’s dead for two whole years. It was mind boggling. I mean nobody noticed at all. His nerdy friends from the college said damn now who’s going to help us get girls, which was funny because the guy was dating the worst girl he could get. He had to take her to McDonalds each weekend, which is a sad thing in the fact he eats there. The bad thing is he worked there all his life. I still to this day can’t get over how they did that. A man dies and no one knows for two years, I hope that isn’t my fate. When I go to see God face to face, I want everyone to know where I am.
His roommates are charged with a crime before the examiner determines it was natural causes that killed him. So they are let go, apparently they didn’t notice because his money for the rent was set aside years in advance, which was weird. It turned out he was living a wild double life as a closet man who liked his whiskey, fast cars, and Mary Jane. What a fool I said. Not that he was a fool for doing those, but for pretending to be normal. The stress must have killed him. I also thought man he must be having the time of his life at night for the most part. Well it sounded fun except for him liking the men. So then the stoners get released, and I conducted interviews with Dave holding a camcorder. I asked first his roommates how they couldn’t notice him being dead for two years straight. They didn’t want to talk about it, and Dave asks point blank if they were trying to hide it. They still decline to answer, so we both say fine you guys are idiots at the top of our lungs. We were pissed because they were being well morons, and they didn’t want to talk about their moron like actions. We then went to interview his girlfriend, who also had no idea he was dead. This was strange, but she at least talked to us. God damn we immediately thought at the same time, what did he do to deserve this? The guy kicks the bucket, and his lover doesn’t care it seems. She just thought the guy was a coward who didn’t have the guts to break up with her. She was very unattractive, had acne, badly bleached hair, well what was left of it, and not much was left. She weighed, and I certified this, by watching her step on the scale over 400lbs. This was the max weight her scale had. It showed flags coming out of it.
So she had no idea, she just thought he left the country or something. Incredible I thought, as we went on to interview the man’s employer, the manager at the local McDonalds. Of course, he was busy, but found time to talk to us which was also incredible. He said the guy’s work wasn’t getting done, so he fired him. Of course, it didn’t require a response, so he didn’t care that he didn’t get one. He didn’t care that the man didn’t show up. He called the house, but there was no answer. So he gave up, He didn’t think the guy died, but he was probably hoping. I would too. I mean the guy was an idiot himself. He always had the worst of everything. or so it would seem. Next we asked his friends what happened, we come to the conclusion that his only friends were those two dopes that he was living with. Last, we ask his mom and dad what happened. It turned out his parents thought he was a loser. They always referred to him as one and meant it. He dropped out of high school to work at McDonalds. He wasn’t smart or anything, but he could have gone to community college at least. He never called or wrote because of the fight they had over that. It was really sad, but they should have respected his decision. I mean college doesn’t help everyone. They said yeah, but he should have finished high school, I mean that is a basic thing. It turns out he finished high school by mail. Two years after he died his high school mailed his diploma, his parents said ha ha someone in our family graduated from high school finally, but they didn’t let anyone hear that outburst. And they thought he was a loser too, what a pair of fools. For some reason, they got mad at us and said fucking college fools and left. It should be noted that James pissed his pants on a regular basis as well.
Next is a guy who robbed a bank and then decided to kill himself, while he was on acid. This one decided also that he should carefully check whether the world was better off without him. He thought if I died then people wouldn’t be poor, other people wouldn’t go to jail, and less suffering would be had by decent folks. If he lived, he would commit more crime, more people would suffer, and he would teach others how to be criminals. Actually, in the end he decided to live, tough break for the world. The cops caught him while contemplating all this, and he told them I want to live. They said fine you’ll live, in the jailhouse for the next 60 years for all those banks you robbed. They tossed him in, and I said what a fool, he stood around contemplating life or death, while the cops were after him. Man wh
at an idiot, he should have been shot so he wouldn’t procreate, well he wouldn’t anyways after going to jail for 60 years. I mean if you’re a woman, would you want a guy who’s in his 80’s just getting out of prison? Heck that’s just sad, but it happens all the time in the United States. Speaking of criminals that are stupid, what about the justice system, it’s full of morons in charge. There are over 2 million people in jail or prison in the United States. We probably have a higher rate of incarceration than anyone in the free world. It is incredible. The morons in charge of our justice system lock people up for the stupidest things. Non violent drug offenders are put in jail everyday and given huge sentences. Some are given life under the Three Strikes Law. For some crimes, I would say one strike and you’re out is better, but for crimes that don’t hurt anyone, it doesn’t make sense. This is throwing away the life of someone who might turn around, or isn’t really hurting anyone but themselves.
That person might be a pastor or a scientist or something amazing, but they end up behind bars forever. It isn’t good for them, and it isn’t good for America. These prison people are morons, the inmates yes, I have plenty of stories about them, but more so the administration. Corrections takes up money that could be used to help the poor, or schools, but no we have to house the criminals who we create. That is right, we create criminals though laws. Crime is not universal and criminal actions now might not be crimes later and vice versa. The biggest morons are the lawmakers. They’ve made it illegal to whistle on certain days, for dogs to bark in certain areas, and for shopkeepers to push customers in their stores, as well as a million other loony laws. Now I have to ask why would anyone do something like this? I could understand them making it illegal to drag customers in shops Then again who does that? Even I wouldn’t do that. I mean I won’t need to, people will love this book.
Seriously who comes up with all these loony laws? Congress, that’s who. We all need to demand that they stop the funny business, and that they make laws that make sense. They are all a bunch of idiots. They break the laws more than they obey or make them it seems. Good grief. Some can’t get credit cards, some beat their wives, some ran businesses into the ground. Is this idiocy to you? It sure is to me. There is more, some were charged with all sorts of other crimes. Some were charged with DUI like George Bush, who I have to take aim at here. Man if ever I saw a man who was a fool it was him. Clear your schedule, because you will read a long time before I am done with him.
He claims he loves Jesus, yet he goes off to fight a war that has bad consequences for everyone involved. Jesus didn’t like war or violence, and this man shouldn’t either. He was also caught doing DUI. What devoutly religious person have you ever seen caught DUI? The Dalai Lama? Buddha? Muhammed? It is funny for the last two being mentioned because Buddha does not like material wealth, and Muhammed lived before cars were invented. I am willing to venture the Dalai Lama has no use for cars either and they probably didn’t drink unless it was necessary. What a fool George Bush is, I would not have the man represent Christianity or the USA if it were up to me. Heck, I wouldn’t have him represent anything based on the simple fact that the man is a fool. As it is, he runs the country, but after 2008 he will have to go thankfully. The country can’t handle more of his idiocy, it’s just unthinkable. It’s irresponsible even. But who’s worse is… well I don’t know. I should give this guy his own chapter, but that would not be enough. Well now for reasons that I classify him as a fool. First off, he has plunged America into debt that is possibly unprecedented. The war is the most costly thing imaginable, in terms of human life and also money, materials, etc. The last I saw was that it was 87 billion and this was years ago. Second, Iraq had no plans to nuke America. They had no mass destruction weapons or chemical weapons. For those of you who read this and support Bush , he lied to you, he lied to everyone, about why we were going to war. He wasn’t protecting America, he wanted vengeance on Saddam Hussein. If he was really protecting America he would nuke North Korea, who wants to destroy the USA, totally destroy them before they can counter, but nope this man is such a dope that he wasted billions on a country that never posed a threat to the USA. The judges in America are bad too. I mean they let serious criminals go free in the streets, while harmless drug dealers go to jail for life. Does this make sense to you? It doesn’t to me.
We live in a nation where violent criminals have more rights than innocent children that they victimize, where politicians talk a big talk about being tough on crime, but yet crime goes unchecked because the conditions that cause it are unchecked. In fact, it’s the punitive nature of these programs that cause crime in the first place. Think about it criminals socialize with other criminals, learn from them, become friends with them. They don’t have the opportunity to turn their lives around, even if they want to which they won’t. This is what our government does, basically saying if you do this wrong thing you’re out of luck for life.
The last chapter is chapter 18, Damn it all. This is where I say damn it all. I’m sick of all these fools dragging normal decent people into their ring of idiocy. It is like they recruit people who are otherwise normal and intelligent, to be stupid. It is because of them that Dave has lost a lot of temper, and also his hair. He told me don’t talk to those people Joe they’re stupid! They’ll make you stupid too. I know they could, but I need to try for the book I tell him. This part includes the guys who kept chasing Dave even though they eventually mellowed out. Dave was like damn it all because of their antics. Every time he sees them, he says damn it all you guys need a new hobby. What made me say damn it all was that those guys broke into his house and tried to get me. They tried to get me to act like them too. I guess they thought if I was not going to be gay I would be an idiot. Dave really got pissed then, and said look you two homos stop bothering me and my friends before I get mad. So he says damn them they really get on my nerves.
This part also includes the guy who dropped his suitcase. We were laughing, haha that’s funny but then we were saying damn it all, what kind of example is this guy setting for the kids? He has kids and he is acting like this. His kids imitate him by putting fake suitcases in the toilet each day I bet. They didn’t know about his problems yet, but what if they copied him? We would have a nation full of idiots Dave laments sadly. I agree and say damn it all Dave, we are now on a mission, to exterminate all idiocy in the United States, and the world. This is so that our fair land is no longer contaminated by idiots. Our mission begins now so please buy this book, I have a lot of traveling to do and a movie to go along with the book.
Dave says yes, we will make it so our country is not full of stupid people who do stupid things like stick their hands in the toilet and get stuck, or burn down firehouses. We won’t have a country full of people who lose jobs due to getting lost for 2 weeks, or flunk out of college because they don’t want to take a test, and skip out on it. People will realize their idiocy has consequences, even though it is hilarious. Stupidity can indeed be a crime in some cases, and we need to teach our kids that so they end up not in jail, or being stupid. At this point, I would like to say your all a bunch of fools, those of you who didn’t buy this book or at least read some of it. For those of you who did at least look at it, I hope you found something entertaining in here. This is a fictional book for the most part. What is real well like I said before, decide that for yourself.
In some cases I did some stuff, Dave did some stuff, and in others none of it happened. In a lot of cases I said damn it all though because the real incidents were just so dumb it hurts to think about. It’s almost enough to make a person cry. I mean damn it all, there are politicians so dumb they can’t keep the laws they helped pass. It is madness. They make, then violate their own laws. Lawmen should not become lawless at least in my opinion. I mean they are supposed to be an example to us, but this is possibly why people can’t stay out of trouble, because of the politician’s hypocrisy. And then there’s the judges, damn they made a pig a man’s legal guardian. Only in Ame
rica, a land infested with fools could this happen. Seriously, I don’t know how things like this got started, but anyone with any brains should agree that it has to stop. Our country is the laughing stock of the entire world, and if it’s not, then the rest of the world is worse off.
In all seriousness, I don’t think the rest of the world is worse off, and we may be doomed to a country full of idiots. Don’t believe me, just watch the commercials on TV which are a major cause of this. For example, there was a Nestle Crunch commercial in which some guy goes to jail. Someone did that. Damn it all they didn’t need to do that. And I devoted a chapter to the guy who got kicked by a mule. Damn it all why do people do this? They want to be like the stars they see on TV. People always want to be like some other fool who has more money or fame. Damn it all, we need to stop this because this is why people can’t do good in school, this is why people drop out of high school and dream of being in music with no job skills. It’s why people party too much and don’t go to classes in college or just finish high school and work at Taco Bell. I mean scratch that, people drop out of high school and work at Taco Bell twelve hours a day in a lot of cases. Some never get out of that, some do. What we need is someone or something to let people know, wake up, take your life more seriously than to throw it away. I mean come on how can someone laugh when they found out they’re going to jail (prison actually), and yes there is a huge difference.
Again this is a public service announcement to those who are considering dropping out, or saying that they aren’t smart enough to do something good. Don’t do it, at least give it your best. Don’t be the suitcase guy, or the party guy doing the walk of shame or Bret, who ended up homeless, having children, and drinking problems, as well as stalkers in New York and Florida. (I think they were in both states). Don’t be the guy who had to be in pig custody, or his father who shocked himself with a fork in a toaster. Don’t be the guy who dropped 500 dollars in the toilet, or pasta guy who dropped out of college. Don’t be the old person who kissed people with crap infested dentures, or like the people you see on TV , Congress, the courts or even the president of the USA.
Don’t even be like the guy who I saw going to jail and being happy about it. Don’t be like the gay guys at KFC ( be gay if you are, but PDA is off limits for straight people too), or the guy who looks at wee ooo wee ooo, the other perverts, well maybe you can be like Fred the old man, not the other perverts though. Don’t be like the idiots that dropped out of their finals then flunked out of college. Finally don’t be like the two guys who bugged Dave. All of these people are fools! There are plenty of examples here, and I am sure you can make up your own. Finally, don’t be a fool enough to be a dropout who drinks and has sex recklessly, you know who you are when I say this, don’t do it, you have another chance, so use it well. Some don’t get that. And finally, don’t be like the fools you hear on the radio. Hearing Afroman talk about sex and drugs doesn’t mean you can drink and drive, or smoke and fly, fuck left and right, and not pay for it big time.
Well maybe you can fuck left and right and be ok, but why chance it? This is why we have welfare people who can’t get jobs, have no homes, go to jail (for real not in commercials) because they imitate the fools on radio and TV, who make you think killing, robbing, and beating on people is funny or whatever. They don’t show you how they get arrested get V.D. (sexually transmitted disease for the illiterate fools) get shot or whatever. TV just shows how cool they look doing the stuff that makes them fools. Please help me and Dave make the world a more educated place so that we don’t have reason to be like damn college fools, they’re idiots. Oh and one more thing, don’t be the guy who got death by tree. The poor guy was never found or supposedly so. Damn it all people, need to relearn common sense, it should be a high school and college course that people have to learn and apply, not stupid exams like the FCAT or HSCT. I mean these are pointless, they don’t prove high school students are smart, they’re probably not more so than people who flunked the test
Chapter 19 My Girlfriend Leah
Leah gets her own chapter. She’s with me, so that automatically gets her a chapter in the book, just kidding. I’ll probably give her another chapter if she wants. My girlfriend has also gone near a giant fire with a tank of gasoline. The fumes caught and it flared up at her. She was perfectly all right though, she actually enjoyed it. She stepped on a rake to see if it worked like in the cartoons. Ok, I’m going to recount things we’ve done together that are not fool related things.
We have had 9 great months together. She got me involved in horror club, which she goes to in order to spend time with me. We went on a date to Picklefish, and we argued about me paying. Not that I had to, she argued against me paying. Some women are weird. I insisted, and we went to watch movies at my house afterwards.
Valentine’s day was a good day. I decided to get Leah a cookie cake. It was funny, I don’t think she was ever happier than when I gave that to her. I put icing lipstick on her and kissed it off. The next date was months later and we went to get Chinese food. I insisted on acting like I was on a 2nd date. Leah said not to, but I insisted. Eventually, she said she liked it. Our next date is next Friday, and I wonder how that will go.
Chapter 20 the Epilogue
My final chapter is the ending to this story. Dave ends up getting through doctoral school in Mechanical Engineering at FAU. He has sex with a ton of women from the clubs. He marries a woman from his country and has a son. He founds his own engineering company and becomes rich. I end up becoming a rock star after finishing my law degree at Columbia University and suing ARISTA records. I sued for a recording contract of 3 years and 100,000,000 dollars. "As I walk out of the court room after winning my lawsuit, I notice a man run in front of a bus and get hit. He is not hurt, but then i see Dan and his son, and they both yell, 'FOOL!!!'
I get to rock. I meet Leah, as per the previous chapter, and end up spending all my time with her. Bret ends up going back to NY and becoming a rock star as well. He tours with the Electric Dudes, but eventually ends up as lead guitarist for Shattered Soul, my band. The other members of my band include Tim Weaver, drummer, Travis Williams, back up guitarist, and Leah Thibodeaux, bassist. I sing.
Fred’s ending is less clear, I don’t know whether he goes back with Hally or his current love. I don’t know if he goes to Texas or not. It’s up in the air and up to him.
Suitcase guy’s fate is he remains a fool. The drunken college students end up married to each other, then divorced. The doctor who got high so often drove off a cliff because he got high behind the wheel. Tony is still out there being himself. However, me and Dave have the last laugh, and we triumph over fools.
Thank you for reading books on BookFrom.Net Share this book with friends