By noon, he'd run through about half the pile. Good thing Mr. Grant hadn't scheduled any appointments for him today. He stood and stretched his arms out in front of him then touched the small bandage covering his wound.
On the other side of his desk, the basket once holding Joella's chocolate brownies sat empty. Like his heart.
How often did he have to drill it into his head? If he worked harder, accomplishing the things he needed to do, the emptiness would go away.
As Dad said a million times, he needed a wife in the EB faith. Sure, if he had a companion—the right one, she'd replace the loneliness in his life.
A thought seared him. Every time in Joella's presence, the sense of isolation disappeared. But she wasn't the right woman. He wanted to ignore the pressing thought and wish it away, but couldn't.
He groaned and covered his eyes. His next step became clear.
*****
Joella chewed the end of her pencil and looked at the design plan again. Her idea for the client's formal dining room wasn't coming together. Maybe hues of charcoal gray, cream, and brick red would be a satisfactory color palette. After all, the client did say she loved contemporary. Joella sat down at the desk and stared at the computer screen.
The image faded. Who was she kidding? Nothing had jelled in the last week. After the biking accident, she couldn't think of anything but JD and the awful injury—and his father's scorching words.
Her gaze drifted to the calendar on her desk. A week now, and he hadn't called her. She'd thanked Tammy and Ted for taking his bike and phone to his parents' house. No way she would've gone herself.
But now that she thought about it, what difference would it make if he did call. After Mr. Neilson forbade her to see JD again? At least he could've said good-bye.
She bounded from her desk and marched to the window. Concentrating on her project—impossible.
Another thought snaked through her brain. JD never told her specifically what church he attended. He'd led her to think he believed as she did. Obviously he didn't. How could he if he held his father's convictions?
"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers." The words played in her mind—Paul's admonition to Christians. If JD didn't hold to Biblical beliefs, she could no longer be romantically involved with him. If they'd been merely friends, it would be different. But now, she loved him. How could she maintain that kind of a relationship with a non-believer? Her eyes stung.
The buzz penetrated her thoughts. She glanced at the speakerphone. In-house call. "Yeah, Shelly."
"Uh, Joella, there's a JD Neilson on the main line. Can I transfer him over?"
Relief ran through her as if Shelly had announced a long-lost friend. "Yes, please." Maybe he'd clear up her questions and doubts. He'd probably apologize for his father and tell her he wanted to embrace her faith, leaving his behind. To see him again, feel his arms around her, she couldn't ask for more.
When her desk phone rang, she reached toward the receiver and caught her breath. "Hello."
"Joella, this is JD."
"Hi. I was thinking about you. How are you?"
"I'm okay." The silence on the line reminded her of the hush inside a walk-in deepfreeze. "Joella, I need to talk to you."
Chapter Eighteen
One hand over his face, JD sat back in his office chair, his cell phone plastered to his ear. Even with a deep breath, he couldn't expel the anxiety from his gut.
How could he have missed the impact on Joella? Nothing about his relationship with her had been fair—leading her on, making her think he believed in her God, maybe even giving her the impression they had a future together. And his father's insults.
JD got up, pacing restlessly, unable to sit still. At the window, the riotous color of spring flowers caught his eye—brilliant pink, purple, red. Now even the flowers in the planter by the street mocked him. Foul mood or not, he owed it to Joella not to leave her hanging. He had to tell her straight out—he couldn’t see her anymore. "Can we talk?"
"Okay. You sound so serious." Joella's quiet, trembling voice spoke into his ear.
He gripped the phone harder. "Are you finished for the day? Could we take a drive?" He couldn't—no he wouldn't—tell her over the phone. She deserved that much. Besides, he wanted to see her one last time, like saying good-bye to a loved one at a funeral.
"Yes, I can leave now."
JD shook his head to dispel the surreal cloud of uncertainty surrounding him. "May I pick you up?"
The lack of inflection in her voice spoke volumes. This wasn’t the Joella he’d come to know…and yes, love. Gone was the happy, full-of-life, young woman. "I'll wait out front."
*****
They said very little on the drive to Smith Point which overlooked the city of El Camino. Smith Point. The spot where boys in his high school class had brought girls to make out. But not JD. He'd always behaved himself, thanks to Exalted Father's admonitions.
He parked near the white wooden fence that provided a barrier where the hill dropped away. The rays of the setting sun reflected off roofs of homes and buildings in the valley. He lowered the window, allowing the evening breeze to flow through the cab.
Joella sat with hands on her knees, staring out the front window. She hadn't glanced his way or smiled once since he picked her up at New Trend. Why did he have the uneasy feeling she knew everything he had to say?
For a passing moment, he considered changing his message. He'd tell her he wanted to spend his life with her, and even be willing to convert to her religion. Foolish thought. He could never give up the faith of his childhood … an opportunity to spend eternity with Exalted Father. This life was fleeting, but the next lasted forever. He had to pursue his goals for the afterlife.
What about Joella? She'd never convert. He held his breath. This was the only answer, and it would be the hardest thing he'd ever done.
He took a deep breath as truth raised its hand and punched him in the face. He loved Joella, but he loved his religion more. "I need to beg your forgiveness."
She peered at him, widening her large amber eyes. "Forgiveness?"
"Yes. First, for what you had to go through the other day—Dad's outburst. But worse, I haven't been honest with you. Well, it's more like I've led you to believe something about me that isn't true." Each word seemed an effort. He stumbled along a gangplank toward a raging ocean and in moments would take the final step into the sea, a part of him plunging to certain death.
She folded her hands in her lap and gazed down at them. "I know."
"You know?"
She glanced up again, her eyes holding his. She looked so sad. More than the day when she'd told him about the problems with her sister. "JD, I might be naive, but I'm not stupid. I saw your parents' reaction to me. I've noticed your reluctance to talk about your church."
Even throwing the challenge in his face, she spoke with a gentle tone. JD curled his fingers over her hand, now on the console between them. "I'm so sorry. I never meant for our relationship to grow."
Dark circles under her eyes marred her beautiful face. "Go on, JD. Get it over with." She trained her gaze on the windshield. The sun dipped behind the city, leaving a pink and orange aura.
He squeezed her hand. "First, I have to tell you …" How could he say it now? But he wanted her to know. "I fell in love with you, Joella."
She looked at him, eyes glittering with unshed tears.
Something inside him cracked, never to be healed. Where was the courage to go on? "When I first met you, I told myself we could merely be friends, but somewhere along the way I fell in love with you … a woman so different from any other I've ever met. You love your family and work hard. When we found Tannon, you showed him such tenderness."
The words he had to deliver sat heavy on his soul. "Then when my father behaved so reprehensibly, I saw your strength of character. You didn't get angry, didn't fling his ugly words back at him."
Joella covered her face and slumped against the seat.
> "But most of all, your commitment to your God is something I'll never forget." The lights around the city began to pop on one by one. The horizon faded from gray to navy. "I should never have allowed it to happen because … because …" JD's words strangled him. "Because there's no future for us."
Joella nodded. "Tell me about your church."
His shoulders fell forward. "I belong to a congregation called the Exalted Brethren. The teachings prevent us from forming serious relationships with anyone on the outside."
"The reason your father is so against me."
"Yes."
"Your religion … it's important to you—more than …"
What was she going to say? More than her? She needed to learn the truth now. He swiped his mouth. "I can't see you anymore, Joella." Even if she yelled or hit him, he wouldn't feel better. "You probably don't want to be around me either."
Her tender, peaceful voice carried through his truck. "You are the most amazing guy I've ever met. I remember all the times you helped me out of a bad spot, your good manners, how much you care for your siblings. I fell in love with you, too. I don't know enough about your religion to make a judgment, but I'd say our beliefs are worlds apart." She wiped away a tear.
She called him amazing, yet he'd misled her. Guilt coursed through him, but he shoved it away. He was doing the right thing.
In another moment he had to take her back to New Trend. The day had come to an end and so had any further opportunity to see her, talk to her, or touch her.
To hold her one last time—that's all he wanted. It might be wrong, but he needed this memory. It would have to last him the rest of his life.
He slid his hands down her shoulders and leaned toward her, drawing her near. A tear escaped from his closed lashes. Would she push him away? He had to try.
Her soft hair tickled his cheek. The aroma of apricots swirled. And she didn't pull away. Instead Joella wrapped her arms around him, clinging tightly, as if she knew they were together for the last time. He ran his hands over her back memorizing the nearness of her … all he'd ever have now. He'd arrived at this point because of his own stupidity. The consequences were his to suffer.
Finally, using all the willpower within, he pulled away and gazed deeply into her eyes. The peace he'd seen from the first moment radiated from them. He traced every inch of her face, remembering her features. "Joella, I want you to know no matter what happens in my life, I love you, and I'll never forget you."
Her sympathetic look scorched him. Love shone from her eyes. "I forgive you, JD."
Chapter Nineteen
Joella keyed in the code at the employees' entrance and resisted the urge to rub her eyes. If she messed up her makeup, someone might notice the dark circles.
Though sad tears had threatened to drown her last night, she hadn't given in. Instead, she'd spent the evening on her computer reading about The Exalted Brethren. More than once, her mouth dropped open. JD's religion was nothing like her faith. It wasn't faith at all.
The doctrines provided a strict code of conduct meant for members to work their way into heaven by keeping a balance of more good than bad. JD thought of Jesus as merely a person sent to earth as an example of a good man. Her Jesus was God in human form. The religion apparently appealed to an intellectual group of people.
Since she'd grown up with the magnificent truths of the Bible, she found it hard to understand how JD believed those ideas? But then his family embraced the religion. How could he not accept the doctrines?
She'd taken a walk last night to allow the thoughts to soak in. Her heart ached for him. How terrible it must be to live in his spiritual world, always having to strive for favor with his god. He'd missed the free gift the Lord offered and lived in a hazy world of not knowing if he'd done enough to please his deity.
The black rayon dress swished with her quick pace down the hall, the four-inch black leather heels clacking on the tile. Black—like her mood—a time of mourning. She opened the office door hoping others wouldn't detect her lack of enthusiasm today. Truth be told, she hadn't even wanted to get out of bed.
Last night on her walk, the calming dove calls hadn't eased her unhappiness. Countless thoughts had zipped through her mind.
Being a Christian in no way made her better than JD. She had done wrong like every other person on this earth and needed a Savior. With no effort on her part other than reaching out to receive, Jesus pronounced her forgiven. Because she loved JD, she wanted him to find freedom from the heavy burden which undoubtedly weighed on him constantly.
Joella gently closed the door behind her, dropped her things on the desk, and wandered to the window. She wasn’t ready to tackle the day’s load yet. Instead, she stared out, watching the bustling crowd as they hurried on their way. Cars zipped along the busy street in the morning rush hour.
Though the facts stung, she refused to relinquish the memories of JD's gentle concern after Burchett attacked her, the fun picnic under the stars, his respect for her the day in the meadow, how she melted in his arms.
She clenched her jaw. A whirlpool threatened to pull her under and drown her, but with clients to see later in the day, she had to get control.
She leaned her face against the cool glass window. It did nothing to relieve the ache of her flayed emotions. Dear Lord, help me through this day. Teach me how to live the rest of my life without JD Neilson.
******
Joella pulled into her driveway, cut the motor, and stepped out of the car. Champ's black nose stuck through the fence slats in Mom's backyard. Maybe she'd let him come in. He'd understand how she felt. After all, he'd been her friend since high school.
She needed to hug him … to hug somebody. The emotions she held back since yesterday at Smith's Point pressed hard for release.
Champ raced out the gate when she opened it. "Hey, doggie, wanta come in for a visit?"
His wagging tail gave her the answer.
With a twist of her key, she unlocked her door. Champ bounded inside and jumped up on her couch. He's not allowed to do that. Today she didn't care. Dropping her purse on the coffee table, Joella plopped down next to the dog. He put his head in her lap, so she ran her fingers through his soft fur allowing it to soothe the jagged edges of her emotions.
How much longer could she keep her tears back? She wanted to stay in control.
An ache shot all the way to her toes again. Though the beauty of living in America offered freedom of religion, and she'd never want to deny someone that right, she longed to see JD find the liberty God's Son offered.
A fresh emotion—anger, simmered in the back of her mind. JD knew all along what he was doing … dating someone who didn't believe in his religion. Had he deceived her when he'd said he loved her?
But then her resentment dissolved. She leaned against the back of the couch and remembered when JD returned her scarf. He'd tried to leave, but she practically dragged him into her office. Then she'd made the next move by taking brownies to his workplace.
Her face burned. She'd been the one to suggest the sunrise service and ask for help the night of the Home and Garden Show. She couldn't place all the blame on him.
Champ whimpered and nudged her with a wet nose when she stopped stroking his fur. She drew her fingers over his head again as a scripture from Matthew rolled through her mind. She smiled. Her old dog might as well hear it. "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven."
Champ rested his head on her lap again. She needed to get someone to pray with her about JD and for herself as well. "Sorry, boy, I guess you don't count."
Though she'd restrained her emotions for a day, knowing JD wasn't the man she believed him to be, the thought scourged her now. To make it worse, she'd only truly loved one man—him. The pain hurt worse than a blow to her stomach.
She wrenched away from Champ and trudged into the kitchen. The wall supported her as she slid to the floor, gripping her head.
Champ bounced off the couch, loping toward her. He nuzzled her chin and planted a moist kiss on her cheek.
The affirmation of canine love broke down any remaining barriers. Holding on tight, she buried her face in his fur and sobbed. The loyal fellow stayed by her side and allowed the embrace until her moans subsided. It would never get easier.
*****
JD hauled out of his truck and slammed the door. Mom's spring flowers had never looked more colorful, a decided contrast to his current mood. He marched up the sidewalk. Trying to concentrate on work this morning had been the next thing to torture. The memories of Joella in his arms, her sweet words, his good-bye stung—no, cut through him like a sword. By mid-morning, he couldn't bear it any longer and with one stoic stride, marched into an emotional box, a shield he'd created around himself. If he came out, his heart would jab him again.
He knew what he had to do. But first he allowed one last thought of how much he loved her. Then like an actor assuming his role, he straightened, shook his head, and unlocked the front door with his key.
Dad would be in the garage right about now, unwinding after work, waiting for Mom to finish dinner. JD headed down the hall, and when his mother poked her head out of the kitchen, she smiled.
"Hi, honey. I saw your truck in front." She reached up to kiss his cheek.
Mom's gentle attention threatened to inundate his emotions, still raw despite his defenses. He gave her a hug. Like a little boy … clinging to his mommy when he'd scraped his knee.
Mom tightened her hold. "JD, sweetie, is everything okay? I think we've all been stressed out about the other day when Dad threw a fit."
She knew him so well, but he could never tell her the truth. For one thing, he'd break down and cry in front of her, and he couldn't do that. "I'm fine. I just came to chat with Dad."
Mom tilted her head and gazed at him. "Well, if you're sure." She wrinkled her brow. "You know you can share anything with me."
JD's eyes shifted away. He stared down the hall. If he peered into hers again, he'd exit the bulletproof defense he'd constructed. "I know, Mom. Thank you."