Javi reaches for my hand and holds it while he shifts. “Indeed it was, babe.”
“The delinquents have returned,” Shannon says when Javi and I walk through the door, me carrying a box with the leftover pizza.
“Shut up, like you two don’t skip class and do stuff,” I say, making a face at her and putting the pizza box in the fridge.
“That was different,” Shannon says and Jett nods his head. Those two are getting so close sometimes I worry they’ll meld into one person.
“How?”
“Because. It was.” She lifts her chin in defiance, but I know she’s joking.
“Whatever.”
“So, how was your day of delinquency?” Jett asks Javi. “I hope you at least did one illegal thing.” Javi grins at me.
“We did. Broke into an abandoned amusement park.” I hope he doesn’t mention the sex that also happened in said amusement park. I’d like to keep that between us. Or at least between me and Shannon. Not that I’ve ever been closemouthed about my sex life before, but being with Javi is different. Everything is different about this.
“And then my girlfriend and I went out and had pizza,” he says, putting deliberate emphasis on the word “girlfriend”. We didn’t talk about how we were going to tell people, but I guess now is as good a time as any.
“Yes, my boyfriend let me pick the toppings. That was so nice of you, babe,” I say as Shannon gapes at us and Jett looks back and forth from me to Javi.
I just lean into Javi and he puts his arm around me.
“Does this mean you’re together, together? Like with definitions and commitment and all that crap?” Shannon says. We both nod and she jumps out of her chair to hug me and then she hugs Javi.
“I thought you two idiots would never come to your senses! It’s a miracle!” Jett just gives us a slow clap and Javi glares at him.
“You’re hilarious, dude. Fucking hilarious.”
I just hug Shannon back.
“Are you crying?”
“No,” she says, wiping at her eyes. “I am not crying. Someone must be cutting onions somewhere.” She sniffs and starts laughing. I can’t help it. I join her and we start jumping up and down and giggling.
“What are they doing?” Javi says, moving away from me.
“I have no idea. But I think we should just let it happen.” Jett and Javi slowly back away. Shannon and I just ignore them.
After Shannon and I recover, we all decide that celebratory drinks are in order, so we find some champagne (really, really cheap champagne) in the back of one of our cabinets and bust it out.
Javi makes a face as I pour a glass for him.
“What’s with that face?” I ask. He holds the glass up to the light and stares at it, as if it has somehow personally offended him.
“I hate champagne.”
“Well, too bad. We’re drinking it. I think you’ll live,” I say as Shannon and Jett raise their glasses.
“To the fantastic foursome,” Shannon says and then cringes. “I did not mean that to sound so dirty, like we’re in some sort of weird polyamorous relationship. Not that there’s anything wrong with polyamory, if that’s what you’re into. I’m sure it works for some people—” She cuts herself off when Jett squeezes her arm. She’s getting better at stopping her rambles before they go off into the distance.
“How about we just clink our glasses so I can drink this stuff and get it over with?” Javi says and I jab him in the ribs with my elbow.
“You’re ruining the moment, Javi,” I say.
“Let’s just toast to, um, boyfriends and girlfriends,” Jett suggests and that works for me. We clink our glasses carefully together and sip at the champagne. It’s pretty sour, but drinkable. Javi makes a choking sound after his first swallow.
“That is vile stuff. I have no idea how you can drink that.”
“Stop being a pussy,” I say and force the glass to his lips again. He takes another sip and cringes as he swallows.
“I will drink this entire glass if you promise I never have to drink something like this again,” he says.
“Deal,” I say, clinking my glass with his again. He tips his up and downs the thing. He shakes his head and then goes to the sink and fills his glass with water and downs that.
“Shit, that’s awful stuff.”
You’d think I’d just made him drink battery acid.
Jett and Shannon just sip and watch the show.
“Well, next time I’ll let you toast with beer, how’s that?” I say.
“Whiskey. I want to toast to you with shots of whiskey,” he says, coming over and pulling me close.
“Deal,” I say and he kisses my lips this time to seal the promise.
“Awww,” Shannon says and we break the kiss to glare at her in unison.
The four of us head to the living room to watch a movie after Javi brushes his teeth to get the rest of the champagne taste out of his mouth. Shannon leans on Jett and I lean on Javi and wonder how the hell this actually worked out. What are the chances she’d fall for Jett and I’d fall for Javi? Things just don’t work out like that in real life.
I hope it will last. It’s perfect right now, but what happens if something goes wrong? And something is very likely to go wrong. That’s just the way life works. I know I shouldn’t think worst-case-scenario, but it’s part of who I am. Always thinking of contingencies. It’s my pre-law brain.
“You’re thinking about something pretty hard over there,” Javi says, pinching the area right above my eyes that wrinkles sometimes when I’m thinking about something.
“Just… thinking about this, that and the other. Nothing special.” I’m not going to talk about my thoughts with Javi. Besides, they’re probably silly anyway. Who goes into a relationship looking at what’s going to happen if it fails?
“Okay,” he says, and resumes stroking my hair, but he’s probably going to ask me about it later. I know his voice enough to recognize that tone.
Shannon falls asleep again and Jett carries her to bed.
Javi turns the movie off and turns to me.
“Are you worried? About us? Being together and everything.” I have to think carefully about my answer.
“Would it bother you if I said yes?”
He shakes his head.
“No. Because I’m worried too. I’m still pretty sure I’m going to screw things up.”
“It just seems too perfect. You falling for me and Jett falling for Shannon. The four of us. Two sets of best friends. I mean, it sounds like a cute plot for a romantic comedy with a happily ever after.”
“I’m definitely not a happily ever after guy.”
“And I’m definitely not that girl.” Neither of us belongs in this story. We’ve been miscast. But here we are anyway.
“I know we shouldn’t talk like this,” he says. “You know, starting out a relationship thinking of all the ways it’s going to go wrong.” I’d thought nearly the exact same thing.
“I know. But I guess the only thing we can do is try. If we don’t, we’ll never know if it could have worked. And despite the potential unpleasantness, I’m really, really glad we’re doing this. I just… I love you.”
He smiles and pulls my chin toward him and gives me a kiss.
“I love you. Let’s not complicate things any more than that.” He’s right. Right now we’re together and that’s what matters.
“Ready for bed?” he asks and I nod.
He gets up and leans down.
“Put your arms around my neck.” I do and he carries me to bed and gently sets me on the mattress.
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be than wherever you are,” he says. I love him so much it hurts. My entire body aches.
“Agreed.”
The next few days are, for lack of a better word, perfect. We use the boyfriend/girlfriend words, almost to excess. It becomes a running joke that only Javi and I find funny.
“I love knowing that you’re mine,” Javi says one nig
ht after we’ve had a particularly slow and sweet session of sex in front of the mirror. He’s been talking about installing them on the ceiling and in panels on the walls, but I think that would be a little too much. I’d feel like I lived in a funhouse.
“Ditto. I like knowing that I’m the only one you’re with.” I’d wanted to claim him for ages.
“And I don’t mean you’re mine, like some sort of creepy possessive thing. I can’t really explain it.” I kiss the center of his chest where his tattoos converge and flare out.
“I know what you mean. You don’t have to explain it. I know.” I look up at him and he smiles.
“I know you know.”
I know a lot of things about Javi now. I know that he mixes melted butter with his syrup and puts it on his waffles and pancakes, but won’t put butter on the pancakes and then pour on the syrup. I know that he bites his bottom lip when he’s working on a paper. I know that he believes in ghosts, humans and robots becoming one, and that music videos should still be on MTV.
I wonder what he now knows about me.
One night when I’m studying I hear him chuckle.
“What?”
“You’re doing that thing. It’s cute.”
“What thing?” I have no idea what he’s talking about.
He leans back and sets his book down.
“You mouth the words you type and sometimes you say them out loud.” I give him a look. He’s crazy. I do not do that.
“You’re making that up.”
He puts his arms up.
“It’s true, I swear. I can video you to prove it.” I narrow my eyes at him. I think I would know if I was doing something like that. And no one’s ever said anything before.
“I think you’re messing with me.”
“Fine, fine.” He picks up his book again and I go back to typing my paper. But I’m so self-conscious I can’t focus again.
“Damn you. Now I’m so busy focusing on what I do when I type that I can’t type.” Javi laughs.
“Sorry, gorgeous. My fault. Just ignore me.” Well, if that isn’t impossible, I don’t know what is.
It takes me a few minutes to get back into paper writing mode, but I do. I finish what I need to get done and save the document only to look up and find Javi holding up his phone at me.
“What the fuck, Javi?” He gets up and hands the phone to me. Ugh, he took a video of me. I hit Play and watch as I do exactly what he said I did.
Huh.
“That’s so weird,” I say as I watch myself muttering like a crazy person over my paper. It’s a good thing I don’t write papers in public, or else I might look like a psycho working on her manifesto.
“I think of it as interesting. And adorable.” Right. Because muttering to yourself is the height of cuteness. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
“Whatever. I’m going to start taking videos of all your weird little quirks and then we’ll see who the adorable one is.” I hold the phone out of his reach and he snatches at it. I can’t win the battle for the phone, but I can definitely win another way.
I lean back on the couch and hold the phone as far away as it will go. Javi has to climb on top of me to grab it and I put my plan into action. I wrap my legs around him and grind a few times. He stops reaching for the phone and looks down at me.
“You’re dirty,” he says.
“Yup. Wanna clean me up?”
He shakes his head slowly.
“No. I want to get dirty with you.” The phone drops from my hand, but he doesn’t notice. I hope it isn’t broken, but I’ll get him a new one if it is.
“Oh? How dirty?”
He dips his head down and licks the spot under my ear that drives me crazy.
“Filthy,” he says in my ear.
“Well, I think I’m going to need to see a demonstration.”
He licks the spot again and gets off me before picking me up and taking me to the bedroom to show me just how incredibly filthy he can be.
I enjoy every disgusting second.
“So, are you good with the whole girlfriend thing?” Shannon asks me as we sit down with our lattes at the café on campus. We’ve been spending more time with just the two of us lately, and I realize how much I’ve missed talking with just her. Maybe we should send the boys back to their place tonight and have a sleepover just the two of us.
“It’s weird and not weird at the same time. Which doesn’t make any sense,” I say.
“No, it makes perfect sense. I totally get it.” Shannon nods and I know she knows. “I thought when Jett and I started dating, you know, after we made it real and everything, that it was going to be different. It was and it wasn’t.”
“Exactly.”
We share a smile.
“But it’s good? You seem so happy,” she says, taking a bite of her Danish.
“Yeah, it’s really good. So good that I sometimes can’t believe it’s even happening, you know? It seems like a movie or a romance novel or something, and not real life.”
“It feels that way.” I sip my coffee and then Shannon says something I don’t expect.
“So, I think I want to move in with Jett.” I can tell she’s been holding onto this and has wanted to tell me for a while.
“Oh, wow. Are you sure?” This is quite a change from what she said a few days ago.
“Yeah, I think I am. I just needed a few days to get used to the idea. You know, process. And the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. I mean, we’re practically living together now anyway. But I didn’t want to say anything to him until I’d talked to you about it. And I won’t do it if you don’t want me to. Or I can wait until the summer or whatever. It doesn’t have to be right now, but I wanted to know what you thought. So, what do you think?” She keeps twisting her fingers together.
What do I think?
I have no idea.
“Well, I think it’s great. You are practically living together so it makes sense. And things are crowded anyway. And his apartment is pretty shitty, so you could probably get a better place together.” I say all the right things, but inside I feel like I want to cry and throw up at the same time.
If Shannon moves in with Jett, then I’ll either have to find another roommate, or move in with Javi. And I am not ready for that.
I know how hypocritical I’m being, but I don’t care. I can’t help the way I feel about it. If Javi and I moved in together, then we’d be sharing the rent and what would happen if/when we break up? Then one of us would have to move out and I’d have to search for a new roommate anyway.
I could live with one of my friends, but I don’t know if that would be a good idea. I’m not that easy to live with and I don’t have a lot of patience with roommates. Shannon is the exception.
She lets out a breath.
“Good. I’m glad you feel that way. It would kill me if you got upset. Because I love Jett, but you’re my best friend. I can’t be happy if you’re not happy.” I have to look away from her so I don’t start crying in the middle of the coffee place.
I really don’t deserve her as a friend. And I can’t tell her that I don’t want her to move. She’s so happy with Jett and I can’t stand in the way of that.
“I love you too. And I want you to be happy and Jett makes you happy. I’ll figure things out, don’t you worry. I’m a big girl.” Shannon beams and gets up from her chair. In the middle of the café she throws her arms around me.
“You’re the best! Oh, could you not say anything to Jett about it? Or Javi? I want to figure some things out first before I talk to Jett. And I want to give you enough time to figure things out too.” Right. Figure things out.
“I won’t breathe a word,” I say and she smacks a kiss on my cheek. I make a face and pretend to wipe it off.
I can’t stop thinking about what Shannon and I talked about for the rest of the day. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I remember what she said. I didn’t care so much when moving was just a
possibility, but now that it’s a definite, I realize how much I hate the idea. Selfish as it may be, I don’t want things to change. At least not right now, and not like this. If I was moving in with Javi, that would be one thing, but I didn’t get to make the choice this time. It was made for me and I fucking hate it.
And the biggest downside is that I can’t get my best friend’s opinion on it, and I can’t talk to Javi either. So I’m on my own to be miserable.
Javi notices the second I walk in the door. Shannon’s still at work, so I don’t have to completely put on a happy face for her. At least not yet.
“What’s wrong, babe?” He looks up from a pot that’s simmering something that smells absolutely amazing. Lately he’s been talking about getting a crockpot so he can start cooking in the morning and let whatever it is simmer all day. I’m totally on board with this plan.
“Nothing,” I say as I give him a hug and a kiss. “You know, we should really get you an apron.” Briefly, I imagine Javi cooking in just an apron and nothing else. It’s not a terrible image, so I make a note to get him one for his birthday next month.
“You sure? You have Hazel Sad Face.” I give him a look.
“How is that different from my regular face?”
“It just is. So, tell me what’s wrong.”
I don’t like how well he knows me and knows the expressions on my face. I’m going to have to get better at hiding my emotions if I want to have any success as a lawyer.
“It’s nothing, really. I don’t want to talk about it, please?” I duck out from under his arm and go to put my bag in the bedroom.
“Okay,” Javi says when I come back.
“Thanks, babe.”
If I’m bad at hiding my sad face, then Shannon would win an award for not being able to hide her happy one. She’s beaming so hard when she walks through the door that I’m afraid she’s going to break her face.
“Whoa, did someone have their happy pills this morning?” Javi asks.
“Nope.” She shakes her head and bounces a little on her feet. “Just happy about things.” Javi gives me a questioning look, but I just shrug.