I gazed down at my food, completely losing my appetite, and wondering how much more of the conversation I could take without wanting to beat my head on the goddamn table.
“But I’ll tell you one thing, Jacob, if this is a guy. I’ll beat the living shit out of him for doing this to my baby sister, and I know you and Dylan will be right there behind me.”
I peered up at him and nodded, wishing like hell that I could beat the living shit out of myself, but something told me that it didn’t matter because what I had to do next would kill me anyway.
“Is now a bad time to tell you that I hate flying?” Lily said as I took my seat next to her in business class. I nodded to the flight attendant.
“Yes, Sir?”
“Can I get a coffee, extra cream with three sugars, and a whiskey on the rocks for her?”
“Of course. I’ll be right back.”
“Liquor will calm your nerves,” I stated, looking at her.
“Or you could have just held my hand.”
“Sweet girl, I’ll hold your hand for the entire five-hour flight if that’s what it takes.”
“We can try your booze idea. If that fails maybe we can go in the bathroom and join the mile high club.”
“As appealing as that sounds. I can barely fit my ass in the bathroom.”
“I’m a tiny person.”
“But I’m not.”
The flight attendant handed us our drinks. The captain came over the intercom telling us to prepare for take-off. Lily reached for my hand as the plane started to move, squeezing the shit out of it until we were in the air.
“Drink.”
She downed the entire thing in one swig. “When does the calming of the nerves kick in?”
“Clear skies the entire flight, Kid. You have nothing to worry about.”
I opened my laptop, planning on working while on the flight, but Lily wouldn’t let go of my hand. I tried to keep her busy by distracting her. Talking for most of the flight worked.
We finally landed at one pm.
“Hello, Charles,” I greeted the company chauffeur.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Foster, good to have you back.”
“Charles, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Jacob, Mr. Foster is my father and I don’t like him.”
He laughed. “And who is this?”
I glanced over at Lily, who looked overwhelmed. “This, Charles, this is Lily.”
“Ah… Lillian.”
Her eyes widened, shocked that he knew who she was.
“I feel like I already know you, Miss Ryder.”
“What?” she responded with a big smile on her face.
“Mr. Foster and I spend a lot of time together, all he does is work. I’ve chauffeured him around more than anyone else in the company. He’s a very nice guy, also, head over heels in love with you. I’m glad to finally put a name with a face.”
He extended his hand and she shook it, looking at both of us skeptically. “Did you pay him to say that? It’s nice to meet you, too.”
“The car is out front. I’ll get your bags.”
“I can get my bags,” she stated.
“It’s quite alright. I can handle it.”
“Okay, mine are the bright pink ones.”
“And you’re familiar with mine, Charles.”
“Of course, Sir.”
I grabbed Lily’s hand and walked her out.
“This isn’t a car. This is a limo. Your firm owns a limo?”
“Among other cars.” I opened her door.
“I’ve never been in a limo!” she happily exclaimed, jumping in.
I sat in front of her as she looked around everywhere, excitement written all over her face. I had to make a few phone calls.
“Good afternoon, Debra. How are you?” I asked. Lily pretending like she wasn’t listening to every word.
“Were all the files emailed? Right. Have you talked to Robert? I’ll be by the office in about an hour. You know how traffic is. Okay… Bye.”
“Who’s Debra?” she immediately asked.
“Do you always eavesdrop on private conversations?” I asked with a smirk.
“Just yours and only when they’re in front of me.”
“Debra is my secretary. You will meet her in a bit.”
“Is she pretty?”
“I don’t know, Kid. I don’t see her that way, but I’m sure her husband does.”
The response seemed to appease her. Once Charles started driving it didn’t take long for traffic to hit.
“Why so far away? Come here, sweet girl.” I guided her toward my lap and she came effortlessly. “I’m done playing twenty questions. Do you understand?”
She didn’t falter. “Maybe… what do I get for it?”
I closed the partition.
“Isn’t it rude to close that?” She smiled. “Or is he used to it being closed?”
I smacked her ass. Hard.
“Ouch!” She grabbed her ass. “I don’t like this game.”
“I don’t like your sass. Now, be a good girl and I’ll reward you. Be a little shit and you know what happens.”
“I think I need to be reminded what my rewards are, Mr. Foster.”
I traced her pouty pink lips with my thumb, pushing it into her mouth, getting it nice and wet. I slid her panties to the side, using my thumb to rub her clit.
She stirred.
“Need more reminding? Only good girls get to come… are you going to be a good girl from now on?” I eased my fingers into her warm, welcoming heat, never letting up on my circular motions around her nub.
She shuddered.
“Say it.”
“Jacob…” she panted, her hips rotating against my fingers.
I smiled. “Tell me you’ll be a good girl. Tell me you’ll stop with the questions. Tell me you love me. Lastly, tell me to make you come.”
I worked her harder, aiming my fingers to where she wanted me the most.
“I’ll be a good girl. I’ll stop… Oh God…” Her breathing hitched.
“And?”
“I love you, please… please… please make me come.”
And I did.
We went to his office and Jacob introduced me to everyone. I swear by the way they looked at me, they had heard my name before. I made a mental note to ask him about it later. We stayed at his firm for a little over an hour, he was held up in a couple of meetings while I waited for him in his office.
His office had a killer view of downtown, but it was stale, so cold and empty. No pictures on the wall, no decorations anywhere. For someone who spent most of their time in their office, there wasn’t very much appeal. His penthouse was the exact same way. The view was breathtaking, his furniture looked very expensive and probably not comfortable at all. The decorations on the wall matched perfectly, but it didn’t feel homey. There wasn’t a sense of warmth or love anywhere. The penthouse was immaculate, not one thing out of place, not even a speck of dust. It was cold and empty.
I felt like I was walking through a model home. There was no sign of the Jacob I grew up with, the man I had known all my life, anywhere.
I grabbed my suitcase when he went downstairs to grab his mail from the concierge, feeling sad for him. I walked into the bedroom ready to start unpacking my things. Even his closet screamed someone else to me. Expensive dress shirts, slacks, vests, and suit jackets, ties and fedoras in every color. It was like I had walked into someone else’s wardrobe. Only the few pairs of flip-flops on the floor told me it was his.
When I walked back into his bedroom, a picture caught my eye on the nightstand. It was the only picture in the entire penthouse. I grabbed it, sitting on the edge of his bed. It was a photo of me when I held the lion cub at the zoo. I heard his footsteps coming toward the bedroom, but they stopped when he was at the door.
“Jesus… Jacob,” I softly whispered. “I was sixteen here. That was seven years ago.” I kept my gaze focused on the photo. “You really did love me, didn??
?t you?”
“Was there ever a doubt in your mind,” he stated as a question.
“There was so much shit that happened between us. After I left Oak Island, I was…” I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. “It was bad. Sometimes I felt like I imagined it. Our relationship.”
“Our love, Lillian,” he corrected. “Our love.”
“I don’t know when I stopped believing you loved me. It just sort of happened. I left Oak Island because I couldn’t breathe there.” I swallowed back the tears, the emotions running wild. “There wasn’t anything left for me there. Did Alex ever tell you—”
“Yes.”
I nodded. I figured she would.
“There’s a lot of stuff you don’t know,” he said out of nowhere, making me raise my glossy eyes to him.
“Like what?”
“What happened between us that night. Fuck, Kid, I think about it all the time. I think I’ve thought about it every day for the last three years. Having you…” He rubbed his forehead like he had a sudden splitting headache. “It’s a memory that I’ll take to the grave. You have to know that? Please tell me you know that.”
“I do now. I didn’t know back then. I can’t blame you for what happened that night. It takes two to tango, Jacob. I was just as responsible as you were. I hated you for what happened after. I didn’t understand how you could do that to me.” I shook my head. “After everything.”
“I swear to you on all that is holy that if I could go back, I would have never done that. I would have never hurt you like that. It was a fucked up situation and I have every intention of telling you about it, but I don’t want to ruin our time here. I promise you that I will tell you. I will tell you everything.”
“Okay,” I murmured, wanting to grant him his request. But just knowing that he’s keeping something from me keeps me not at ease.
He walked over to me, sitting on the balls of his feet, swiping my hair away to hold my face in between his hands.
“I love you. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone before. I love you in a way I didn’t even think was fucking possible. I loved you before I even knew what it meant. I’m sorry, sweet girl. I’m sorry for not seeing what was right in front of me. For all those years we lost. For every time I walked away from you. For every single time I felt your heart break because of me. I’m sorry for everything. All you ever did was bring light into my life, and all I did was take away yours. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you,” he paused to let his words sink in and looked deep into my eyes to say,
“Hurting you is my biggest regret, loving you is my only redemption.”
I walked out of the meeting with a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Finally after two weeks of negotiating, everything was done and taken care of. I tried to spend as much time as I could with Lily, showing her all around San Francisco. Her favorite was The Harbor where all the seals gathered. I found her there several times playing her guitar and singing. She swore the seals loved it.
“How was your meeting?” she asked as I came up behind her in the kitchen, tickling her. “I’m making dinner,” she giggled, trying to wiggle her way out.
“Where you going?”
“It’s going to burn.”
“Fuck dinner. I’d rather fuck you,” I groaned in her ear.
“Jacob!”
“Saying my name isn’t going to help your disposition.”
“Are you ever not horny? I thought testosterone was supposed to go down when you get old.”
I bit her shoulder. “Watch it.”
I let her finish dinner while I jumped in the shower. When I came out, she was setting the plates on the table. I grabbed a bottle of wine and poured us both a glass, leaving it to breathe on the table.
“You know what wine does to me.” She took her last sip and I poured her another glass, knowing damn well what wine did to her.
“So, can you tell me what was going on now? Because I’m dying over here.”
“I resigned.”
She choked on her wine. “You what?” She wiped off her lips. “But you were trying to make partner, you had been working so hard for that. What do you mean you resigned?”
“I want to be with you,” I simply stated, the realization slapping her in the face.
“You quit for me?”
“For us.”
“You’re moving to Nashville?”
I nodded. “Do you remember my friend Mark?”
“Yes.”
“I wanted to make partner to be the boss, Lily. I don’t have to do that in San Francisco. I could do it anywhere. I have been helping Mark with his firm for the last six months for a reason.”
“Wait? What?”
“We’re officially founding partners. You are looking at Foster and Daniels Associates. I had to handle some business here. Make sure all my loose ends were tied up before I could tell you about it. Just in case.”
“Oh…”
“Oh?”
“I’m in shock, I don’t know what to say.”
I leaned back into the chair, rubbing my fingers over my lips, glaring at her.
“No! I’m thrilled. I’m so happy! I just wasn’t expecting this, but I love it. Oh my God, Jacob! I’m shaking.”
I cocked my head to the side. “What were you expecting?”
“I guess, I don’t really know. I mean I was hoping for this. I was afraid you would ask me to move here and I’d say yes, a million times yes, but, to be honest, your office and your apartment scare me. They’re so cold, Jacob, it's like you never wanted to be here, like you were just surviving instead of living.”
“My home is where you are.”
“Are you trying to make me cry? I’m going to cry in my spaghetti.”
I laughed, taking in her adorable face, grabbing her wrist to pull her on my lap. I kissed the tip of her nose and looked deep into her loving eyes and spoke with conviction,
“You’re mine.”
Three hundred and sixty-five days.
Fifty-two weeks.
Twelve months.
One year…
That’s how long it had been since I last talked to Lily.
Since I stopped fucking living.
I said goodbye to her the only way I could. I told her I had met someone new. I was happy and in love.
She didn’t talk to me again.
I was the only one to blame.
It was a lie. It was all one big fucking lie. A façade I conjured up. I never met anyone. There was no girlfriend. No committed relationship. I wasn’t happy and madly in love.
It was all complete and utter bullshit.
I always knew what we were doing was wrong, not because I didn’t love her but because of our circumstances. My conversation with Lucas just put everything in perspective. I was holding Lily back. It wasn’t fair to her, she deserved to be loved without hiding, and she deserved so much more than I could offer her. People would say I was being a coward, a pussy. That I took the easy way out and they would be right, but when it came to Lily, I would lay myself down any day if it meant she got to be happy.
I told Lily what I had to, lying to those big brown eyes that I always saw myself in. Then planted the seed with Lucas and my mom, knowing damn well they would unintentionally tell her. She would believe it because I never lied to her before this time. This was the first and last time I ever did. I couldn’t even look at myself in the goddamn mirror anymore. I promised her, swore to her that I would never lie to her. That she could trust me wholeheartedly.
I’m a fucking bastard.
Their mom was getting worse. My mom said she barely recognized her anymore. She wanted to host Christmas Eve at her house. As much as I tried to come up with an excuse on why I shouldn’t be there, I couldn’t. She had been like a second mom to me, to all of us. I owed it to her to be there.
It may be her last.
“Hello,” I answered my cell phone.
“Hey, honey,” Lily’s mom greet
ed. “How are you?”
“Good. How are you?”
“I’m great. Can’t wait to see everyone. It will be nice to have all of you together again. It’s a shame no one can get a hold of Austin, I would have loved to have all of you kids together one last…” she hesitated like she hadn’t meant to say that. “Anyway,” she laughed. “I was calling because I hear you’re getting serious with someone.”
“Mmm hmm…” was all I could say.
“Your mom said she didn’t know if she was coming home with you. I wanted to make sure I prepare enough food and everything. Plus I’d love to meet her, Jacob,” she requested in an unfamiliar tone. “I mean if you’re serious and all, it would be normal for her to come, right?”
I didn’t say anything. Not. One. Word. I was too disoriented by the way she spoke to me, almost as if she was testing me.
Did she know? No… Wait? Did she?
“Umm,” I shook off the confusion. “I don’t—”
“Jacob, I think it would be a really good idea if you brought her. For everyone.”
“Do you… I mean…” I mumbled, not being able to form the words. “Do you know—”
She cut me off. “Honey, I have to go. Lucas just got here with the turkey. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I can’t wait to meet her! Have a safe flight. Love you.” She hung up, and I sat there perplexed for the next hour.
She knew.
I knew Jacob was coming to my house for Christmas Eve.
I just never thought he would have the balls to come with her. I watched him walk in, his hand firmly placed in hers with his gaze tightly locked on me. I didn’t look at her at all… not for one fucking second. I hadn’t seen him in over a year, a goddamn year. Not so much as a text. Nothing. He didn’t even text me on my eighteenth birthday. He never missed a birthday, not one. I think that hurt most of all.
I was an adult.
A woman.
But I never felt more like a child than I did at that moment, the reality of his lies staring me right in the face. I was the first to break our connection, if I didn’t, I would have called him a liar right there in front of our families and friends.