“Doing it?” Dad’s voice hardens as he rises out of his seat with a special brand of rage, and Lynette is quick to pull him back down to Earth.
This is getting good. If I’m really lucky, my father will rip Rex Toberman’s balls off for even thinking of doing it with his daughter, and we’ll be rid of the Tobermans altogether. My stomach jackknifes as if protesting the idea.
“What do you mean by doing it?” Lynette gags as she says the words. The waitress comes by with the spare chairs, and my father growls until the extraneous staff disbands from our presence.
Rex shrugs. “We’re getting busy beneath the sheets.”
Lynette’s mouth turns into a perfect oval, but my father simply stews. You can see the steam streaming out of his every facial orifice. He’s going to blow to smithereens and take Rex right along with him.
“You mean you’re doing the horizontal mambo?” Lynette presses her hand to her chest, her eyes receding into the back of her head as if she’s about to pass out.
Rex gives a slow, morose nod. “And we dance all night long.”
“Shit!” My father slams his hand over the table. “For crying out loud.”
The waitress comes by again and insists on taking our order.
Lynette orders the special of the day without bothering to inquire what it might be, and my father, Rex, and I all follow suit. Once she takes off again, both Lynette and my father glue their distraught gazes in our direction.
“Batter Bits,” my father pleads with a disparaging look of heartbreak. “But we thought you were pure?”
Lynette exchanges her disappointment for something far crankier as she wrinkles her nose in disgust at the two of us. “Your father was so pleased to hear it. He bragged to all of his golf buddies what a rarity his little Batter Bits was.”
“Oh, but I like totally am still a virgin.” And, apparently, a Valley Girl. My face heats so hot I can qualify as my own solar surface. “I mean, Rex and I do everything but the actual deed.” My body temperature spikes to unnatural, unsafe levels. I’m pretty sure there’s not a person on the planet who willfully discusses their “horizontal mambo” with their father for fuck’s sake. What the hell was I thinking?
The color begins to return to his face, and for the first time all night, he’s actually breathing again.
I glance over to my partner in abstinence to find Rex shaking his head ever so slightly at the fact I’ve essentially set our plan in retrograde.
“Well, that’s a relief.” My father relaxes in his seat. Obviously, he’s not cut out for that kind of news. It was on the verge of causing a cardiac episode. And one thing is for darn sure—I refuse to kill my beloved father by way of rumors concerning my vagina, pristine as it may be.
“But I won’t be for long.” I pull Rex in even closer until our shoulders are crammed up against one another. His breath tickles over my cheek as he looks to me for what might come next. “I mean, we’re planning on doing the deed very, very soon.” I sweep my gaze to the floor when I say it. There’s no way in hell I’m looking my father in the eye while filling him in on the fact I’m devising a cherry popping party in the very near future.
“What do you mean you’re planning it?” Lynette spits the words out as if there were nothing so vile.
Rex and I exchange glances. Neither one of us anticipated this disarray of indelicate details to take place. This entire night has become a clusterfuck.
“I’m saving myself.” When the going gets tough, I’ve always doubled down on logic.
“For your wedding night?” Lynette nods as if encouraging me to admit to what might amount to the only detail that will set my father’s heart at ease.
I can see where’s she’s going with this. As long as Rex and I aren’t sleeping together, then we’re as wholesome as apple pie in her eyes. She’ll convince my father of the same, and they’ll practically be skipping down the aisle come August.
“For your wedding night actually.” Crap. So not what I had anticipated popping out of my mouth.
The entire table lurches as my father engages in a spontaneous coughing fit.
“Shit.” Rex runs his fingers through his hair in what I’m assuming is an attempt not to lose it. As soon as one of us breaks, they’ll realize this is all a big act and resume their happily-never-after status. We can’t lose it now. Everything is at fucking stake.
“That’s right.” I grab ahold of Rex’s hand once again. “We’re building up to the big night right along with you. It just so happens to be our one-year anniversary as a couple. It’s simply a coincidence.” I lean into Rex and smear a greasy grin. “Isn’t that right, Goober?”
“That’s right, Muffin Top.” He grimaces in lieu of a smile. “Once the two of you cut that cake, we’re hitting the sheets. So, where are we staying anyway?”
“We?” Dad’s jaw becomes physically unhinged. “Your mother and I are staying at the cabin. We were thinking of having a lakeside wedding in the afternoon. That will give the rest of you plenty of time to head back home.”
“The Happy Squirrel!” My voice pitches to unnatural levels. “That’s fantastic! You and Mom can have the downstairs, and Rexy and I will take the second level.” I bounce in my seat while swooning at the boy I’ve completely lost my sanity for quite literally. “We’ll try not to make too much noise.”
“Scarlett!” Dad hollers so loud half of the restaurant goes quiet. “There’s no way in hell I’m inviting you along on my honeymoon.” He shakes his head, perplexed at how far we’ve veered outside of sanity’s realm. “You can’t be serious about this boy. You hardly know him.”
“I’ve known him exactly as long as you’ve known Lynette.” I invoke her proper name in the event he needs a reminder at this point which mother I’m referring to.
“That’s not the same, and you know it.” His voice dips into its lower register as he gives me that I’m-in-charge-here-young-lady look. “You and Rex need to think long and hard before pursuing any kind of sexual relationship. You are brother and sister, for all practical purposes. Think of your siblings, how hard this is going to be for them, how embarrassing to have to explain this away.”
“Does this embarrass you?” I look to Lynette first. No need to wait for an answer—she’s beet red, cresting toward purple. This doesn’t just embarrass her. It’s shaved ten years off the back end of her life.
“It’s simply torturous.” She pleads to Rex with watery eyes. “Bradley and I have true love. I’ve found what I never thought I’d find again, something even purer than that. What we have is real. We’re both ready to live normal lives once again. And this, this thing between the two of you—it’s just not going to work. I understand the fact you’re both young adults, practically the same age. Of course, you found one another attractive, but I’m glad we’re able to nip it in the bud before it led to rather awkward places.”
Dad gives a furtive nod. “Now that this is behind us, we can all move on. Rex, I have a friend who has a daughter your age—med student. A real knockout, if you know what I mean.” He gives a hard wink and offers up the “okay” symbol. “I’ll have her meet you for coffee. You won’t regret a thing.”
Lynette waves me off with a flick of the wrist. “And don’t you worry, Batter Bait. We’ll find you a coffee mate soon enough. Before you know it, you’ll forget all about this little foible. A year from now, we’ll all have a laugh!”
The waitress comes by with four plates of glistening, glibbering…vaginas on a half shell?
“What exactly is this?” Lynette squawks at her meal as if it were about to attack.
“Steamed conch.” The waitress gives a little wink. “It’s rather bland if you ask me. Tastes like chicken!” she sings before taking off.
“Like chicken.” Dad’s lips make a myriad of shapes. “I’m all for trying something new.”
Rex leans in as our parents start in on the questionable feast. “Where’s the rest of the body that was attached to this thing?”
/> “I don’t know, but I get the feeling we should file a missing person’s report.”
We share a quiet laugh, and both Dad and Lynette look up in dismay.
Rex picks my hand up and places a tender kiss to the back of it, and we share a private smile.
There’s no way in hell we’re backing off, giving up on our budding non-relationship in exchange for “coffee dates.” Rex and I already have what we need—the disapproval of the two people we love the most.
I predict, come August, all four of us will be free agents once again.
I pick up my drink and toast Rex.
Unhappily ever after for all.
He gives a knowing nod and clicks his glass to mine.
Sometimes, teaming up with the enemy is a very good thing.
A week drifts by, and to my shame all I can think about is the way Rex Toberman’s hand felt against mine. It’s so childish, such a schoolgirl fantasy, it makes me want to vomit. But no matter how hard I profess to have loathed the physical aspects I was forced to commit that night—hand-holding being the limit—I can’t help but heat up with the fire of a thousand nuclear blasts. To say Rex Toberman has me in flames is the understatement of the millennium. I fully blame my lack of sexual adventure on that little incandescent issue. In truth, it’s not really turning me on per se. It’s just the opposite. Rex Toberman is vexing me both in and out of my dirty carnal dreams. I hate that it’s come to this. I hate that I have to lie to my father, fake a relationship with a boy who very well might be my brother. It’s demoralizing and dehumanizing and whetting my sexual appetite like never before. There, I said it.
“Whoa!” Roxy comes into the kitchen and holds her hands out as if trying to stop a steamroller bent on destruction. Actually, I am rolling, pin rolling this bright blue fondant into submission. I’ve been at Roxy’s apartment for the better half of the day helping her bake, frost, and package up her tiny little confections for a bat mitzvah later this evening.
“You’re doing great. Just be sure to keep it a fourth of an inch all the way through.” She inspects her blue hands and runs them under the water one more time, but it’s no use. We’re both stained as blueberries from trying to get this electric blue concoction just the right hue. It’s for a special client’s baby boy who gets a three-tiered cake for his very first birthday. Roxy usually doesn’t do cakes, but since it’s his first, she’s going all-out. “Oh, and bad news, I can’t make that run to Carlton, so would you mind doing the delivery for me?”
My body temperature spikes. “No—not at all.” Mentally, I try to calculate street routes all the way out to that miniature metropolis, but every one of those leads straight to the highway. My heart lets out a few wild wallops at the thought of hopping onto that super highway and merging my way to the other side of existence. In the least, I’ll get into a massive pileup, and all of Roxy’s precious confections will go flying. If the interstate doesn’t kill me, Roxy will for sure.
“Great. Baya is having her final fitting for her matron of honor dress, so Laney and I are tagging along. The brides will be there, too, so this way I get a sneak peek at all that satiny splendor.” She wrinkles her nose. “When Cole and I get hitched, I’m wearing black—something smoking hot, not too matronly. I’d elope, but both my brother and Laney would kill us.” She fishes a key from the junk drawer and hands it to me. “You don’t need to leave for another hour, so if you have to make a quick pit stop back at your dorm feel free. Just lock up when you leave.” She scoots to the exit and snaps up her purse. “The address is sitting there on top. Don’t work too hard. See you tomorrow!”
The door slams shut, and I snatch the directions off the stack of boxes set for delivery.
God, God, God! What am I going to do? I stare blankly at the word Carlton printed boldly at the bottom of the rather vague map and break out into a biting sweat. Carlton is all the way out in Timbuk-fucking-tu! Why the hell do people in Carlton need cupcakes?
“Shit!” I fumble for my phone and put a call into Daisy. Of course, I breathe easy for a moment, but it goes straight to voicemail. “Crap.” Nobody picks up their damn phone anymore. What the hell am I thinking? I send a group text to Daisy, Piper, and Cassidy asking if anyone would mind driving out with me to Carlton, citing lunch would be on me! Little do they know they’ll actually be doing the peddling. I’ve spent a lifetime coercing unsuspecting friends and family to take me where I needed to be should my final destination warrant a jaunt on the turnpike of terror.
One by one they text back, each with a very valid excuse. Piper has a hot date with Owen—literally hot, they’re about to boil one another at the Witch’s Cauldron, a cesspool of coital encounters if you ask me. I’d be terrified to dip my toe in it in fear it’d fall right off. Cassidy and Cade just got back from a quick trip to Tennessee and are exhausted. Daisy is already at Stilettos trying out a new routine.
“I’m fucked.” I glare up at the tower of boxes, each with their dozens of cute little pink cupcakes drizzled with a rainbow of classic sprinkles. I thought they were so darn adorable when I was putting them together, and now they’re all glaring at me like a coven of pink demons. I hate the damn things. I’m going to die in a fiery crash, and it’s all because of those over iced confections.
Rex pops into my head, and I don’t hesitate putting in a text.
Where are you? No, wait. Delete, delete, delete. Sounds too demanding. I need to come across as kindhearted and friendly—two things I find it very hard to be around Rex Toberman. In fact, if I can elicit a little sympathy, it might work in my favor.
I knock my foot into the baseboard and wince.
Hey, Rex! Friendly enough. Are you available in the next hour? I hurt my foot and sort of need a quick ride to Carlton. Scratch that last part. Delete, delete, delete—Carlton equals Timbuk-fucking-tu equals a swift rejection from my soon-to-be stepbrother the jock. A quick ride across town.
I hit Send, and the dancing ellipses pop up on the screen, assuring me he’s busy responding. A tense knot builds in my stomach at the thought of another rejection. Good God, who the heck am I going to mooch a ride off if Rex falls through? I suppose I can try Sabrina or Lawson, but they’re both well aware of my fear of the freeway. I’d have to endure a half hour of lectures both coming and going.
I’m at practice. Sorry.
“What?” I give an audible groan as if I’ve just landed on the wrong end of a kitchen knife. This is not good. This is not good at all.
His text bubble illuminates once again. He’s making the ellipses dance, and I nod as if willing it what to say.
Just finishing up. Do I have time to hit the shower?
A swell of relief fills me.
Yes! But make it fast. I’ll meet you outside of Cutler Tower in an hour. Thanx, Goober. I add that last term of false endearment just to let him know we’re still at an emotional arm’s length away. As much as I appreciate the effort, in no way does this signify that I’m actually falling for the quarterback of Whitney Briggs’s football team. That in and of itself is a cliché I want no part of.
Ha! Rex Toberman is a cliché. I’ll have to remember that the next time he has me hot and bothered.
I somehow manage to lug all of the boxes filled with yummy hot pink goodness across the street and in front of Cutler Tower in time to see the cheer squad warming up—decompressing, whichever, out on the lawn. I spot Savannah with her long slender ponytail, her matching svelte legs, and swelling breasts that are currently trying to escape her all too tight sports bra. I hate girls like that with perfect bodies and perfect faces and perfect bitchy attitudes to match. It’s not that I’m trying to be masochistic to my own kind, but an equally bitchy part of me can’t help it. Something about that girl in particular twists my guts into a barbed-wire pretzel, and I simply can’t stand her.
Just as I’m about to send another quick text to my friendly unsuspecting chauffeur, the scent of a fresh Irish spring meadow envelops me.
“Hey, little siste
r,” a deep voice rumbles from behind, and I can’t help but give a crooked grin.
“Hey, big brother.” I turn just in time to see Savannah leap onto his shoulders.
“What’s this? Are you two, like, related?” Her upper lip hitches into her cheek on one side as if a fisherman is about to reel her in.
“Yup.” Rex gives me a little wink, and something about that small act sends a fireball rolling through me. I can’t help but notice the water beading over his freshly slicked hair, that clean soapy scent of his skin, the understated cologne, and the hint of minty toothpaste all clue me in on the fact that I’ve got a freshly scrubbed Rex Toberman on my hands, or more accurately in Savannah’s hands. “Our parents are about to bite the big one, so we’ll be steps come August.”
Crap. Why did he need to go and fill her in on that fun tidbit? Worse yet, why did he need to speak that sentence out loud, and put it out in the universe like a fact? Everyone knows you don’t mess with that crap. Once you’ve loosened something so affirmatively into the heavens, it’s as good as done.
“No shit?” She snaps a pretty pink bubble in my face. “Well, I guess there’s no need to see you as competition.” She gives a cackling laugh, and for a second, I wonder if I missed the joke. “Rex and I are sort of a thing.” She gives a lazy shrug while draped over his chest, and in every way they look like sort of a thing. A jock-cheerleader cliché of a thing, but nevertheless a very real thing.
My stomach stews in its own acids, and I nod into this as if agreeing with her.
“Come on, Goob,” I snap. “We’ve places to go and people to feed.”
“What?” He follows blindly as I hand him seven boxes of cupcakes and head toward his truck. “What the hell are these? Holy shit, they smell good. Never mind what they are. How many can I eat?”
“Zero.” Which happens to be exactly how many fucks I give regarding that cheerleader he just peeled off like a coat. But my stomach tenses, my blood begins to boil as if calling me out on the lie.