One day when I turned too fast, not noticing he was behind me, I dropped a sack of uncooked pinto beans on his feet.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted, grabbing the sack.
“It’s okay,” he said, rubbing his feet.
“I didn’t see you.”
“It’s okay,” he repeated.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I continued, knowing his wound must be throbbing. The sack had been sizeable.
“It’s okay.”
“The beans slipped from my hands and—“
“I know, Valentina. Believe me, I know when someone is trying to hurt me,” he stated as his right hand went to his back, touching it in an absent-minded way.
I winced, remembering the marks penetrated there. “I’m really sorry,” I muttered.
“Stop apologizing,” he demanded.
“But—“
“Stop.”
“I’m trying to tell you that I’m very sorry that your uncle was so cruel to you.”
I waited for him to shut off like he usually did when anyone got personal. He never discussed his past, as if it had never existed. I sometimes wondered what he carried inside so stoically and with such control.
“My uncle and his family never cared about me,” he blurted bitterly. “Getting whipped was nothing compared to not being cared about.”
I stared at him with surprise. This was the first time I had heard him say anything like that.
“You’re very lucky you have so many people who love you,” Leonardo announced. The shut down came then as he abruptly turned around and left. I was still stunned with the slight opening in his armor that I had just witnessed, and I felt oddly closer to him than I had ever before.
A few weeks later, we were at the river, both resting from a hard work day because now that most of the Sevilla family was gone, Don Clemencio seemed to enjoy taking out his frustrated loneliness on us. I decided to see if I could get Leonardo's armor to open some more.
“Why didn’t you ever run away from your uncle?” I asked gently and braced myself since I didn’t know how it would go. Either he would answer me or shut down and leave.
“I had my reasons,” he answered solemnly, eyeing me carefully.
“What reasons?”
“Those reasons are mine and mine alone,” he declared.
I knew not to push further. He had told me this much and for him to open up even a little was monumental. In his own way Leonardo was teaching me valuable lessons.
So I began to pass through my days not just occupying my thoughts with the one who had left but with the beginning of a realization that eased me. Despite what Leonardo had gone through, wasn’t he very different from when he had first moved into my home? Didn’t he smile more, laugh more, and talk more? Wasn’t he proof that some sort of healing from a hurtful past could be possible?
Chapter 33: Valentina
When Baudilio Gallatan, one of the newest workers at the hacienda, started asking me questions, I answered them without giving him a second thought. He had just moved to Chihuahua from Durango and wanted to know basic information.
How big was Cevallos?
Where was the church?
How long had I lived here?
I didn’t pay much attention to him or to the sour notes in Leonardo’s moods. At first, both men seemed to be getting along. Baudilio’s gregarious persona suited Leonardo’s quiet one, but then as Baudilio started grilling me with questions, Leonardo’s attitude toward him changed. I did my best to ignore the situation. Baudilio, though, didn’t seem put off by my reserve. As I was feeding the pigs one day, he showed up with a grin and a bar of chocolate for me. I quickly shook my head.
“You have to take it,” he stated, his hand out with the rich candy.
“But—“
“You’ve been so helpful to me,” he stated. “I wanted to give you something, and they told me you liked chocolate. Please don’t rebuff my gift.”
I gave in, hoping that if I accepted his gift, he’d leave. “Thank you,” I said, taking it.
He smiled even broader. “I really like you, Valentina.”
“You barely know me,” I said, uncomfortable with how close he was standing next to me.
“I’ve been to two states and you’re the prettiest girl I’ve seen.”
I ignored his comment. “I’m really busy,” I stated, trying to dismiss him. I knew all about his slick ways having seen them in other boys.
“From the first time I saw you, an arrow hit my heart,” he continued, not being able to take a hint.
“Baudilio,” I said firmly, “I really have too much to do, and I don’t have time for romance or to chat.”
“Kiss me,” he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards him. “You won’t regret it.”
What he hadn’t realized was that in my other hand, I carried the empty bucket of the slop I had just given the pigs. Without hesitation, I swung it at his head. It made a loud thunk sound when it hit its mark. He fell back to the ground, holding his head and moaning.
“What did you do that for!” he yelled, a large purple bump started to grow from his forehead.
“Don’t you ever try to kiss me!” I snapped furiously. “I’m not a baby chick for you to grab when you want!”
“You almost killed me!”
“What’s happening here?” asked Leonardo, having stepped into the area from the stables. “What’s all the shouting?”
“She hit me with a bucket,” blurted Baudilio, still on the ground.
“What did you do to her?” Leonardo asked suspiciously, his voice threatening.
“Nothing!”
Leonardo’s eyes were unconvinced. “What did you do to her?” he repeated, menacing.
“I didn’t do anything to her.”
I grabbed the bucket off the ground and started leaving. “I’ve got a lot to do,” I stated as I stepped away. “Stay away from me, Baudilio, or next time I won’t be so gentle with you.”
“You’d better leave her alone,” threatened Leonardo, before catching up to me.
I rushed towards the Big House, and Leonardo had no trouble keeping up.
“What was that about?” he asked me.
“Baudilio seems to think I’m interested in him,” I retorted, my blood still boiling.
“I knew it,” he said, incensed.
“I don’t know why he thinks he can sweet talk his way into my heart,” I snapped.
“He doesn’t know you.”
“Now he does. I’m sure my bucket taught him a lesson.”
Leonardo started chuckling; a rich sound that only came out rarely. I couldn’t help but join him. It was the first time I had laughed since Lucio had left.
Chapter 34: Valentina
The day that Don Clemencio made the grand announcement had begun peaceful and quiet. Even the animals weren’t as loud as usual, and the atmosphere was lazy and hushed so when he loudly vociferated his joy, his voice echoed through the air.
“Congratulate me!” he gushed. “My son just got married.”
Don Clemencio announced that even though he disapproved with the way Lucio had eschewed a huge formal wedding for a last minute one in front of a priest and a few guests, he was glad that Lucio had finally come to his senses and married the girl he had picked out for him—Delfina.
Leonardo caught up to me at the river where I was on the bank, staring at the rough, flowing water. With all the rain we’d had in recent weeks, the water was as violent as the time I had almost drowned. I didn’t even turn to look at him as my right hand clutched the heart necklace I had yanked off my neck. I had not been able to fling it to the river. I had intended it to follow the fate of the diamond ring.
“Are you okay?” he asked me gently.
“I’m fine,” I blurted, a wide range of emotions coursing through me. Feelings of betrayal, bitterness, hurt, and anger competing with each other.
He looked a
s if he didn’t believe me. “You don’t look okay.”
“Don’t worry about me.”
“How about if we get off this muddy river bank and go sit under a tree?” he asked, pointing to one.
I shook my head, my eyes stinging with hot tears that I was refusing to let flow. “He was no more faithful than a stray dog,” I muttered. “I don’t want to go near that tree.”
Leonardo's eyebrows knit together until he figured it out. “Is that where you’d sit with him?”
“Yes,” I mumbled.
“Let’s go to another one then.”
We stepped over to another tree—one that was much bigger than the one I had shared with Lucio, and we sat at the bottom of the huge, gray tree trunk.
Leonardo didn’t say anything as I finally let what I had inside of me out. My arms wrapped around him, and he embraced me back, tucking me under his chin. For the first time I appreciated his way of communicating without words, his voice silent.
There just wasn’t anything to say.
“Life has many roads,” my mother remarked quietly as we were fixing dinner at our home. “Just ask a chicken that has escaped from its coupe.”
“What did you say?”
She glanced at me with unbridled concern. “Sometimes it looks like there is only one way towards happiness, but there are really many. Believe me.”
My very smart mother had figured out my situation. “All the chicken has to do is escape from its prison, right?”
“And then it can see the world outside of its confinement.”
Chapter 35: Valentina
On my eighteenth birthday, I stepped out of the thick haze I had been living in.
Pretty much in a fog during my seventeenth year, I now could see the extra patches of silver in my parents’ hair and the worry wrinkles around their eyes. In having gone into a state of frozen suspension, I had taken them inadvertently with me—the two people who had always taken care of me and loved me unconditionally. They were completely undeserving of what I had put them through.
I saw the future flash before my eyes—a future of bringing them more pain. Lucio had taken with him the daughter they had always known, the fulfillment in watching a bloodline grow, and the grandchildren they would spoil.
But what was done was done.
He was married, and I was still alive.
We’d never be together again. We’d never share any more moments. We’d never plan for the future. What was done was done. And it was time to take a firm look at my situation without sentimentality, without feeling sorry for myself and without second guessing the decision I had made in not leaving with him.
Unshakable Truths:
Lucio was the past.
I would never love anyone like I loved him.
I had to stop punishing my loved ones for what had happened to me.
I made an abrupt decision. On this birthday, instead of waiting for something to happen I would shake up my own life. I walked up to Leonardo who was on his knees planting tomatoes outside our home. He looked at me with curiosity as I approached him.
“I need to ask you something,” I stated, letting my determination guide me.
“Okay,” he answered, wiping his brow and waiting for me to speak.
“Would you like to marry me?” I boldly asked.
His eyes widened with astonishment. “What?”
“Would you marry me?”
He stood up as if he needed to be closer to my words to understand. “You’re asking me to marry you?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“You’re a good man, Leonardo. I’d be lucky to have you.” I would never lie and tell him I loved him. He had to know exactly what he was getting himself into.
“Are you sure you want to be my wife?” he asked, his eyes intently on me.
“Yes.”
“But—”
“I’ll understand if you don't want to,” I informed him, deep sincerity in my words.
“But—”
“I’ll understand if you don’t feel for me what you used to.”
“I still love you, Valentina,” he murmured. “I always have and always will.”
“Always?”
“Yes.”
I was deeply touched by his confession. “Let’s get married then.”
“No,” he stated strongly. “I want to be loved.”
“I understand,” I murmured.
“I need to be loved.”
I nodded, showing him I respected his decision. “You deserve to be loved,” I murmured softly, walking away.
I left him to his work. His pride was fully intact. I couldn’t say I blamed him for not marrying a woman who he knew loved someone else. Odd feelings started bubbling inside of me because instead of relief that he hadn’t taken me up on my rash and half thought out idea, I was strangely disappointed.
That same evening, as if fate was conspiring in the strange way it sometimes works, my mother’s bitter sobs came to me from the open kitchen window. She had gone outside our home to get some spices from her garden and left me cooking our supper. As I started to rush out, I heard another voice.
“Doña Ofelia, is everything okay?” Leonardo asked with much concern in his voice.
“I’m fine, Leonardo. I’m just a mother like any other with her worries.”
“What are you worried about?”
“Nothing that you should concern yourself with.”
“Please tell me. Maybe I can help. You know I’d do anything for you.”
“Thank you but there isn’t anything you can do.”
“Maybe I can help.”
“Believe me, you can’t.”
“I can’t stand to see you this way, Doña Ofelia. Maybe you’ll feel better if you talk about it.”
“It’s about my daughter,” she finally explained.
“What about Valentina?”
“Her happiness went away.” Her voice was small and weak. “You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“She’s always dreamed about having many children. Probably because she was an only child. I guess that dream is over.”
The next day, Leonardo took me aside, a very serious look on his face, and knelt down on one knee. I stared at him, flabbergasted. As I was about to ask him what he was doing, he pulled a sunflower from his pocket—a perfect, bright-yellow flower.
“I can’t offer you expensive gifts,” he said, his eyes reaching into mine. “But I can offer you my heart. Will you marry me?”
“But yesterday—“
“Forget what I said yesterday.”
“You deserve better than what I can offer you,” I mumbled. “Much better.”
“You don’t want to marry me anymore?”
I thought about my mother’s tearful outpouring. “I do but . . .”
“But what?”
“You have a right to want to be loved, Leonardo,” I stated.
“Maybe the love I feel for you will be enough for the both of us.”
“I don’t want to harm you like a sick animal harms others without meaning to.”
“Valentina, marry me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“You’re positive about this?” I questioned.
“Yes.”
“You’re sure you won’t regret it?”
“I’m sure,” he affirmed.
“Okay, let’s get married.”
As soon as he told my parents, asking for my hand in marriage, their tight faces loosened into smiles. It was then that I fully realized how much they had esteemed this quiet stranger who had entered our lives, never intruding in it but being a strong presence nonetheless. I also found out how much they had wished for this to happen. My mother had been lighting candles to the saints for a long time.
In private, she told me, “You’ll find your true
love with Leonardo. You’ll see how right I am.”
Chapter 36: Valentina
In the days before my wedding, I didn’t look back or question my abrupt decision but only thought about moving forward. That was all you could do in life or else drown. The day came swiftly when I put on my best outfit, the one with the long bellowing sky-blue skirt and the light pink blouse with colorful flowers embroidered on it and went to Father Mateo to get married. There was no flowing white dress and no big fiesta. Money was so scarce and as for a ring, my mother took the one off her finger and gave it to me. It was a delicate gold band with an etching of a flower in the middle. The ring had belonged to my grandmother and now my mother said it was mine.
Everything happened so fast. It was like a blur. One minute I was feeding the chickens and the next I was married to a man who even though I didn’t love, I respected very much. I had hardly caught my breath, and I tried not to think about the first time a man would take my virginity—a man who wouldn’t be Lucio. Would I be able to get through it?
On our first honeymoon night, we stayed in my Aunt Eduviges’s home in town. My aunt and her family were visiting cousins and had offered us their humble home.
After having a quiet dinner of rice and chicken, we stared at each other awkwardly. What next? It was dark—the only light coming from an old petroleum lamp on the kitchen table. I turned away from him, not being able to stand his unwavering eyes on me. He gently put his hand on my cheek, turning my face towards him and his lips started coming to mine. Without meaning to, I jerked my head back. His eyes turned hard as he let out a frustrated breath.
“I don’t know why you keep holding on to him,” Leonardo snapped. “He left you! I wouldn’t have forced you to make a choice you didn’t want to make. And I wouldn’t have left you! If you loved me the way you loved him, nothing and no one could’ve driven me from you—even if it meant risking my life.”
He brusquely grabbed me by the hips and pulled me to him, his mouth bruising mine before I could protest or try to stop him. His kiss, so different from the only other man I had ever kissed, yet it was not less but actually more—more intense, more demanding, more everything. When he pulled away, I grabbed the chair next to me before my legs could buckle under me. He strode to the door without looking back but as he yanked the door open, his hard gaze fell on me.
“Another thing, I wouldn’t have married someone else and left you broken. You’re the only woman I’d ever marry,” he insisted bitterly, putting one foot out the door. “I’ll be sleeping outside where you’ll be safe from me.”