“You look stunning.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
She sighs with relief. “Oh, my God, Claire. I think I’m in love.”
“After one week?”
“Is that stupid?”
I smile, but I shake my head. “Not at all. I think I fell in love with Chris the moment I saw him.”
Her phone rings and she grabs it off the desk. “Hello? … I’ll be right out.” She turns to me as she tucks the phone into her purse, looking slightly panicked. “He’s here. I’ll see you later. What time is a good time to come back?”
“Anytime you want. Chris and I are going out tonight.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
She looks a little conflicted. “Is it a special occasion?”
“Nope. Just trying something different for a change.”
She still looks confused. “But you guys stay in because you hardly ever see each other,” she says, as if I don’t know this. “If I were with him, I’d be staying in every night.”
“What?”
“Oops. I’m not supposed to say stuff like that, am I? Sorry.”
I laugh as I finish making my bed. “Good luck meeting the family.”
“Thanks.”
Twenty minutes later, I hear a knock at the door and I jump up from the bed. I grab my purse off the nightstand and drop my phone in. Then I open the door.
Chris is standing with his hands behind his back, looking down at me with that half-smile he flashes when he’s on stage. His crowd smile. It’s ridiculously hot and I hate that he’s using it on me.
“Wanna study?” he asks in his sexiest voice.
Study is Chris’s code word for oral sex. Chris may not be in school, but he’s been doing a lot of studying lately. And it’s as if my body has been conditioned to respond to this word. Whenever anyone mentions the word study, I get an ache between my legs.
Oh, who am I kidding. Senia is right. Chris and I only see each other on weekends; most of the time. There have been a few weekends where we didn’t see each other at all because I was too busy studying or he was doing a show. Next week, I’ll be studying for finals, so I won’t see him until I go home for the winter holidays the following week.
I have no willpower.
I open the door and yank him inside. I throw my purse onto Senia’s bed and throw my arms around him. He laughs when I try to kiss him. Then he starts pushing me away.
“What are you doing?” I whine.
“Hold on, babe. I had something a bit slower planned for us tonight.”
He brings his hand forward from behind his back and I smile. He’s holding a jar of honey and I can only imagine what he has planned for us.
“I’m gonna turn around and close my eyes. You’re going to get naked and hide a dab of this somewhere on your body. Then we’re going to turn off the lights and I’m going to try to find it with my mouth.”
He hands me the jar and smiles as he turns around. I set the jar on my bed and quickly undress. The obvious place to hide a dab of honey is between my legs, but I think I’ll make him work for it.
Once I’m done, I place the jar of honey on the nightstand, still open in case we need more later. Then I lie down on my bed.
“I’m ready.”
He turns around and ogles me for a bit, before he reaches under the lampshade and turns off the light. The room isn’t completely dark, so I have a nice view as Chris undresses next to the bed. Then he reaches down and traces his finger from my ankle to my center, but he doesn’t shove his fingers inside me or caress my clit the way he normally does. He just pulls his hand away, leaving me aching for more.
He sits on the foot of the bed and grabs my ankle. Bringing my ankle to his mouth, I hold my breath as he licks underneath the arch of my foot. I feel it right in between my legs, as if his mouth is on my aching nub instead.
Then he traces his tongue up to my ankle and lifts my leg straight up in the air. He kisses his way down the back of my leg and I try to remember to breathe. When he reaches the place where the back of my thigh melts into my cheek, he moves to the side and nuzzles his nose against my slit. As if he doesn’t want to place his mouth there, to save that spot for later.
He tastes his way up and down my other leg, then he flips me over onto my stomach. He lies on top of me, his erection prodding my backside as he brushes my hair over my shoulder and tastes the back of my neck. He’s going to find the honey soon.
He kisses every inch of my neck and shoulders, his hand reaching under me to massage my breast as his erection grinds softly between the outer region of my cheeks. Then he moves down, laying a trail of kisses down my spine until he reaches my lower back. His mouth lingers just above my ass, where I left the dab of honey.
He licks me clean, then he turns me onto my side as he positions himself behind me. His hand reaches forward and quickly finds my clit as he whispers in my ear. “Good job, babe.”
I whimper as he continues to massage my pleasure spot. Then he grabs my thigh and spreads my legs so he can enter from behind.
“How about we skip the spooning and get straight to forking?”
I gasp and laugh at the same time as the tip of his erection hits my cervix. His fingers strum my clit as his other hand slides up and pinches my nipple. He buries his face in my neck and bites me softly.
“You’re so fucking hot,” he groans.
“Oh, Chris,” I cry, as my body begins to tremble. “Don’t stop.”
He sucks on my earlobe and his breath in my ear sends shiver down my neck. “I love you.”
As soon as he murmurs this into my ear, I realize he’s not using a condom. I squeeze my eyes shut and and grab his hand to push it back down between my legs. It’s too late now.
“I love you,” I breathe.
He pulls his hand out from between my legs. “Patience, babe. I’m gonna finish you with my mouth.”
We roll over so I’m on all fours and he pounds me from behind. And I try not to worry when he finishes inside me. I just finished my period three days ago. It will be fine.
After he lets go, he immediately flips me onto my back and, through the blue darkness, I can see the grin on his face as he dives between my legs.
“Oh, God.”
He parts my flesh with his fingers and licks my clit, softly at first.
He chuckles when he tastes the honey. “I knew you couldn’t resist.”
“Can you blame me?”
He doesn’t answer. He continues to lick away every last bit of honey on my clit — and I put quite a bit — until I scream his name. As usual, he plants a goodbye kiss on the inside of my thigh before he comes up. He lies on top of me and I’m not at all surprised when he enters me again.
I wrap my legs around his hips and squeeze, coaxing him farther inside. He kisses me and I can still taste a hint of honey on his lips. His tongue dances around mine and I feel as if I could do this all night. I’m not at all tired.
His lips move down to the my jaw and then my neck. Then he pushes himself up on his hands so he can look down at me. I run my fingernails up and down his muscular arms as he moves inside me, slowly this time.
“That was fun. We should do that honey thing more often.”
He smiles and kisses my forehead. “I could do that with you all day long. I never get tired of licking your skin.”
He slides his hand behind my knee and lifts my leg. I whimper as he drives deeper into me, hitting my core. But this position always drives him crazy. And soon he lets go inside me. Again.
After a few more rounds, I dress in my pajamas and he gets dressed in his hoodie and jeans. I hide the honey under my bed, for next time when I get to search for the honey on Chris. Then I walk him to the door.
“I’ll be back in the afternoon so we can go to brunch,” he says, planting a kiss on my temple.
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay the night?”
He laughs. “I wish. I’d go through t
hat whole jar with you tonight, if I could.”
Chris has to ride his motorcycle to Durham tonight to pick up a microphone from some guy I’ve never heard of. Then he has an eight a.m. meeting with Xander, his manager. Not sure why Xander insists on meeting with him on a Sunday morning. But that’s Chris’s life. It’s becoming less and less familiar to me, just like mine is becoming less familiar to him.
Forever Troubled
May, 2012
Claire and Senia are all dressed up and ready to party when I arrive at the dorm. Claire has her hair pulled up into a ponytail. My favorite hairstyle on her. It gives me easy access to her neck.
It seems fitting that she would be dressed up and looking so enticing on a night where I’m more confused about us than I’ve ever been.
I find myself wanting to touch her. And I try not to think that this is my subconscious fears acting through me. The fear of losing Claire has never been this strong. But it’s funny how fear works. It keeps you from doing the one thing that may ease your fear. I can’t bring myself to talk to her about this.
She stands next to her desk, digging through the drawer for her lip balm. I sneak up behind her and grab the sides of her waist and she laughs as I press my hips against her.
“Stop it,” she protests, pushing my hand off her waist.
“Hey, don’t mind me,” Senia says from somewhere behind me. “Just give me a sec so I can make some popcorn.”
I take a painful step back, away from Claire. I want to tell her that we should stay in and talk, but I need to give myself some time to think. Besides, she’s been looking forward to this party for a while.
“Hey, this show isn’t free,” I say to Senia as a knock comes at the door.
Senia’s sitting on her bed, fastening the strap on her heels. “Can you get that, Chris?”
I open the door and greet six-foot-four Kevin Brown with a nod. “What’s up, man?”
Kevin enters and we each lean against a desk on opposite sides of the room while we wait for Claire and Senia to finish getting ready. Senia has been through at least four boyfriends since Christmas. Kevin is her latest victim, though Claire would kill me if I said that aloud. Senia has set her drunk self loose on the male population of the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, and she’s quickly conquering them one by one. But I must admit that it makes for good weekend entertainment.
We walk to Lambda Chi Alpha house on Pickard and Franklin, and we’re not surprised to find there’s no parking on Pickard or in the parking lot behind the house. The place is crawling with drunk college guys and a few girls here and there. This isn’t my crowd. Neither Tristan, Jake, nor I went to college after high school. I try not to let it intimidate me, but it’s hard. Especially on a night like this when I’ve got so much on my mind.
“What’s wrong? You’re so quiet tonight,” Claire says as we climb the porch steps to the front door of the blue two-story house.
“Got some stuff on my mind. Just band stuff. No big deal.”
She looks a little worried, but she lets it go and we head inside. Claire knows that the band has been having trouble lately ever since Xander had the bright idea of dropping the band name. Now he books all our shows under Chris Knight instead of Blue Knights. Tristan missed his first show last week and Jake and I had to play without a bassist. He’s testing his worth.
But that’s the least of my problems right now.
Senia and I have the same idea and we head straight for the booze. Kevin runs into one of his basketball teammates and they talk basketball while Claire tries to keep Senia and me from getting too shitfaced. But she’s doing a poor job.
We down our fifth shot of cherry whiskey — Senia’s new favorite drink — and she stares at me for a moment. I’m afraid she’s going to puke in my face, so I take a step back and get Kevin’s attention. He looks at me questioningly and I nod at Senia. He shakes his head and puts his hand on the small of her back to lead her out of the kitchen.
“Wait! There’s still a little left in the bottle.”
“There ain’t nothing left in that bottle, girl. You’re seeing things.” She looks over her shoulder, a deep longing in her eyes as she looks at the bottles on the counter. “Come on, baby. You can sit on my lap and take it easy for a little while.”
“Ooh. On your lap?”
Their voices fade away the farther they get, until we can’t hear or see them anymore. Claire turns to me and she looks pissed. She’s probably angry because she knows I have a higher tolerance for alcohol. I should have stopped Senia from trying to keep up with me.
“Why are you drinking so much?”
My face is getting numb and I’m feeling very loose, but I manage to pull out another lie. “I’m just trying to keep up with Senia. I’ll stop drinking if you want me to.”
She looks disappointed in this response. “I have to go check on her.”
I grab her hand before she can leave, then I pull her close to me and whisper in her ear. “I’m sorry.”
She turns to me looking utterly confused by my behavior and I feel awful.
“I have to piss. I’ll meet you in there.” I let her go and she sets off for the other room where Senia and Kevin went.
I head for the hallway and squeeze my way past a group of bodies in the corridor. Then I find the line for the restroom. I ignore the girls who smile at me as they pass. When I come out of the restroom twenty-five minutes later, I’m in no mood to see Joanie Tipton waiting for me.
She stands with her arms crossed over chest and her head tilted, as if she’s disappointed that I haven’t attempted to say hi to her sooner. Her chubby cheeks don’t match her rail-thin body and her pinched eyes just creep me the fuck out.
“Hey, Joanie,” I say, nodding as I attempt to get past her.
She steps to the side to block me. “That’s it? I haven’t seen you in almost a year! How have you been?”
I get a strange urge to tell her I’m not doing well, but I know that’s the alcohol. “I’m fine. I gotta go. Claire’s waiting for me.”
I try to step to the other side, but she mirrors me. “You and Claire are still together? Wow … I didn’t expect that to last.”
“What?”
“Oh, I just mean that you probably have girls coming at you from all sides. It must be so hard to stay faithful.”
I glare at her for a moment before I realize she’s right. “Claire and I are fine.”
“Chris?”
I whip my head to the left at the sound of Claire’s voice. Claire looks pissed as hell. She doesn’t know I had to wait in a long line for the restroom.
“Babe,” I call to her, pushing my way past Joanie. “There was a long ass line for the restroom.”
She looks at Joanie then back at me. “You didn’t look like you were in a hurry.” I open my mouth to respond and she cuts me off. “Senia just pissed in Kevin’s lap. They broke up and now she’s crying on the fucking sofa. We have to leave, but I need you to help me carry her home. Now.”
We run into someone else who’s leaving at the same time and they agree to give us a ride back to Spencer Hall. Claire and I get Senia into her bed just after midnight. Then we sit on Claire’s bed in silence.
“What’s wrong with you tonight?” she whispers. “Is the band breaking up?”
I shake my head, then I grab her hand and hold it against my lips. “I don’t know.”
She coils her arms around my neck and we hold each other for a while. Then we slip beneath the covers to go to sleep. But even with all the alcohol in my body, rest doesn’t come easy. I have a feeling nothing is going to come easy after tonight.
Forever Blindsided
June 7, 2012
This is the third year Chris and I have spent the anniversary of my mother’s death stargazing, and the second year we’ve done it while camping in Poplar Point. Just like last year, Chris and I made the thirty-minute ride there on his bike.
So what’s changed since last year? Chris has a n
icer bike now. A blue racing bike that screams sex. I’m no longer a virgin, which means we’ll be able to explore each other in addition to exploring the campsite. And, for the first time in about ten months, Chris and I can spend time together without the pressure of homework and music gigs hanging over our heads.
Chris hasn’t played a gig in over a month. He’s been recording a demo at a local studio up until last week. My freshman year at UNC ended just over a week ago, so I haven’t been able to go to the studio with him. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me. But I’ve been getting a weird vibe from Chris whenever he talks about this demo and his trips to the studio. I don’t think Chris would lie to me, but I don’t know what else to think.
All that matters today is that he’s here with me. We’re back in a familiar place, physically and mentally. And I have a strong feeling that, by the end of this trip, we’ll be back to the way we were emotionally.
We get to the campsite around seven p.m. and Chris quickly sets up our tent, then we skip stones on the lake for a bit while we talk. Chris has tried teaching me to skip stones plenty of times, but I can’t seem to get the angle or the right amount of spin on it. I think my record is three skips, while Chris’s record is probably a thousand. His rocks dance across the surface of the water as if his touch has embedded them with music.
“I’m going to visit Senia next week. She’s picking me up since she’s just a couple of miles away.”
He smiles as he tosses another stone that skips four times before it sinks into the water. “Why don’t you just drive there?”
“I can’t drive your mom’s car. I don’t have a license.”
“So get a license and drive your own car.”
I laugh as I toss another stone that immediately sinks below the surface. “Great idea! I’ll go get a driver’s license next week. Then I’ll hop in my imaginary car and go to Senia’s.”
He turns to me with a sly smile curling his lips. Something about the way the setting sun makes the flecks in his brown eyes turn bright gold takes my breath away.