So now we’re the main attraction. Older people are probably miffed at the three rowdy teen girls disrupting their nightly walk. Moms pushing strollers might see us and miss this time in their lives when they were young and free. More boys turn to watch us, a few of them smiling. We laugh until we can’t laugh any more.
We stroll past the basketball court. Sports aren’t my thing, but sweaty guys running around after a ball can be fun to watch.
“How’s Momo doing?” Sadie asks Rosanna.
“Okay,” Rosanna says. “Her grandma is taking good care of her. She actually wants to take care of her. So that’s an improvement.”
“I can’t with her mom’s boyfriend,” I say. “How do people get that screwed up? Are they like born defective?”
“He could have been abused as a kid,” Rosanna says. “Some people who were abused continue the cycle. It’s their justification for not getting the help they need.”
Anger flares inside of me. “What he needs is fifty years behind bars. Prisoners are nasty to child abusers. See how he likes being tortured the way he tortured that poor girl.”
“I—” Rosanna starts to say something, then stops. We wait for her to go on. “I know a little about what Momo has been going through. I know what it’s like to be violated by someone you thought you could trust. It messes with your mind.”
Sadie and I look at Rosanna. She’s made other references to some dark secret from her past she’s been hiding from us. But she’s never told us what happened.
“What do you mean by that?” Sadie asks her.
Rosanna focuses on the walkway. We slow down a little, but we keep walking.
“I was molested,” Rosanna says. “When I was eleven. The guy was our neighbor . . . my dad’s friend. I would go over to his house sometimes to play games. One time he kissed me . . . and it started from there.”
“Oh my god.” Sadie puts her arm around Rosanna. “Are you okay now?”
“Not really. I thought I was at first. I wanted to move to New York and forget about what happened. But there are all these issues that came up with D . . . trust and jealousy and feeling like I wasn’t good enough, like I didn’t deserve to be with him. Being with him made me realize I need to get help. Running from my problems won’t make them go away.”
“I was just thinking about that last night,” Sadie says. “How we were all running from problems when we met.”
I put my arm around Rosanna, on top of Sadie’s. “‘The best way out is always through,’” I agree. Robert Frost dropped some serious knowledge.
“Is that a power of Now thing?” Rosanna asks. I can tell she wants to change the subject. The last thing Rosanna wants is us feeling sorry for her.
“Kind of. I mean everything we do now shapes our future, right? So it’s all about taking action now to make our future better.” If having my life turned upside down, yanked inside out, and spun sideways taught me anything, it’s that living in the Now isn’t only about going with the flow like I thought it was before. You can’t avoid thinking about the future and assume everything will work itself out. I have to make smarter decisions now. I have the power to build a stronger future all on my own, a life that I can be proud of. I am the architect of my own destiny. We all are.
“That’s why Addison has been harassing me,” Rosanna says. “The man who molested me is her uncle. My problems followed me all the way to New York.”
Sadie’s mouth falls open.
Rosanna continues. “She thinks I lied about the whole thing. Spreading lies about me was her way of getting revenge.”
“Why would she think you lied?” Sadie asks.
“You know how it is with families. Sometimes you don’t want to see what’s right in front of you. You don’t want to accept the harsh truth about people you love.”
Sounds familiar.
Rosanna told us everything Addison has done to her, but we had no idea why that girl was such a lunatic.
“Unacceptable,” I declare. “I will bring the psychological warfare I was planning to unleash on Logan all over her lying ass. Just say the word and consider it done.”
Rosanna smiles. “Thanks, but I have to take care of this on my own.”
“Are you sure you don’t want help?” I am so ready to throw down with Nasty Girl.
Rosanna shakes her head. “I’m good.”
I hope Addison lays off. Rosanna’s struggle is complicated enough without that wack job skulking around the city, perpetually fired up and ready to pounce.
“Actually, I wanted to help you,” Rosanna tells me.
“Did you find me a new job?” I am desperate to escape Java Stop hell and find a job I actually like. I believe I would thrive as an expert sales associate at one of my fave boutiques. I keep checking in on them, but so far there aren’t any openings.
“No, but it’s related. I want to help you sort out your finances. You know, ways to save and loans you can apply for if you need them and stuff like that. When you have time.”
“That would be awesome.” Rosanna is the most frugal person I’ve ever met. She can totally whip me into shape.
“It’s the least I can do.” Rosanna clinks her fresh rue21 bangles together. I persuaded her to trade the black hair elastic that was permanently glued to her wrist for some fun bracelets. On sale, of course. She might have the most frugal shopping tips for everyday needs, but I know where to find the fashion deals.
“The Zen garden!” Sadie yells. She loves this area of the park with its bamboo paths and stepping stones. Tall grasses enfold us as we walk up the path. Rosanna stands on one of the simple wooden benches while I jump around on the flat rocks. Sadie is looking up at the city lights. That same sensation I had outside Jude’s office comes rushing at me again. Tonight feels like it belongs to us. We are young and free with everything left to experience in front of us. The kind of life that can only be yours after high school.
Back on the main path along the river, I bust out singing “Empire State of Mind.” It came on when Jude and I were Quiet Clubbing and I can’t get it out of my head. Sadie joins in. We’re singing at the top of our lungs with night birds chirping and people staring and One World Trade standing tall and proud ahead of us. Rosanna joins in when we get to the chorus.
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Let’s hear it for New York!
I love how bonded I feel to my girls. When all the badness went down with my dad, I felt more alone than I’d ever felt in my life. But Sadie and Rosanna remind me that I have them every day. They don’t have to come out and say it for me to know that they are here for me, just like I’m here for them. It blows my mind that we’ve only known each other for two months. I can’t believe how close we’ve become in such a short time.
Eventually the path bends to the right, extending out across the water. Sadie stops in front of a big brass plaque on the railing.
“Let’s make a pact,” she says. She puts her hand on the plaque. “We can each promise one thing we will do starting right now to create our dream life.”
Rosanna and I put our hands next to Sadie’s.
“You go first,” I tell Sadie.
“Well, I’ve been working on living in the light. I project this eternal optimist attitude, but I don’t always feel that way inside. I want to be the optimist I project to the world for real. So I have to let go of my rage that’s . . . Oh my god.”
“What?” Rosanna asks.
“I just realized that rage is always bubbling under Marnix’s surface, too. Look what it did to him.”
“Whoa,” I say.
Rosanna and I are quiet while Sadie takes a minute.
“Okay,” Sadie says. “I need to save myself. No more rage. I promise to focus more on the positive instead of getting upset over the negative.” She looks at me. “Your turn.”
“I’m going to bust out of my comfort zone with Jude,” I announce. “I’m going to let him ge
t as close to me as he wants. If he ever wants to again. I’m going to let him take me to emotional places I’ve never been before. I am not going to worry about how things will end between us. I’m just going to enjoy what we have, and make smart choices so what we have will last.”
“Wait,” Sadie says. “Are you saying you want an exclusive relationship with Jude? Like, official girlfriend/boyfriend status?”
“That is what I’m saying, yes.”
Sadie and Rosanna pop their eyes at each other. They are thrilled.
“Finally!” Sadie says.
“We love Jude,” Rosanna adds.
“Your turn,” I tell her. I can’t stop smiling. It felt so good to put that out there and to have my girls be all enthusiastic. I am tingling with excitement.
“Um . . .” Rosanna gets her thoughts together. “I promise to take better care of myself by focusing more on my health and wellness. And to take advantage of being single like Sadie did on her boy break. And to resolve the Addison drama so I’m not always worrying about what she might do next.” She looks at Sadie. “Can you say more than one thing?”
“Yes, and those are all amazing.”
I am so proud of Rosanna right now. I love how she’s embracing being on her own. Time will tell if I’m right about the inevitable disintegration of all romantic relationships. But I know for sure that certain friendships are strong enough to last a lifetime. Like ours.
CHAPTER 27
ROSANNA
“SEE YOU TOMORROW!” MICA CALLS out to me as she leaves camp for the day. Sometimes we walk to the subway together. But today I’m waiting with Momo out front for her grandma to pick her up.
I wave to Mica. She felt horrible when she found out why Addison spread all those lies about me. After Addison confronted me and revealed who she was, I kept asking Mica to get together so we could talk. She kept ignoring me, but eventually she agreed. We went for coffee and I told her everything. Mica said she had a feeling something was off with Addison, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She was scandalized when I told her that Addison even lied about living in Mica’s building. I am so happy Mica and I are friends again. Finding someone you have so much in common with, someone who gets you without having to explain yourself, is a gift.
“My grandma got me a new jewelry box,” Momo says as we wait at the pickup area in front of the school.
“You told me. That’s awesome.”
“It’s pink and purple like the one I made you.”
My heart swells with love for Momo. Her mom’s boyfriend took away her jewelry box as one of his twisted punishments, but Momo still wanted to give the jewelry box she made in arts and crafts to me. That’s how I know Momo is going to be okay. Somehow she is still the same sweet girl who cares about other people. Even without the help of time or counseling yet, she is a remarkable survivor.
“There’s my girl.” Momo’s grandma comes over and gathers Momo up in a hug. I can’t stop smiling when I see them together. It is obvious how much Momo’s grandma loves her, and Momo loves her back just as much.
Momo’s grandma asks about her day. Momo shows her the lanyard key chain she made. Watching them interact with such affection makes me think of my mom. I miss her so much. I’m going to call her tonight.
“Thanks, Rosanna,” Momo’s grandma says. “See you tomorrow.”
“Have a good night,” I say.
Momo throws her arms around my waist and squeezes tight. I bend down to hug her back. She hugged me like this yesterday, too. Yesterday was her first day back at camp since the day I found her. Momo’s grandma said she didn’t have to come back if she didn’t want to, but Momo did not want to miss the last week of camp.
I watch Momo and her grandma walk toward the subway. They are holding hands and looking like a cute family with no concerns. No one passing them on the street would ever guess that Momo had just been a prisoner in her own home.
Just when I’m feeling the victory of good over evil, I see her across the street. Waiting against the chain-link fence like she was before.
Addison.
Except this time, I am ready for her.
She crosses the street and walks toward me. As I watch her approach, I make a decision to not be afraid. With every step she takes, I become more determined to stand up for myself, to say all the things I should have said before. Regret over not defending myself the last time she confronted me has been burning inside of me ever since. I have replayed that confrontation ten thousand times, hearing her harsh words strip me of my dignity over and over, until I’ve become so furious I almost wanted to track her down and unleash this pent-up anger.
Now is my chance.
Addison is finally standing right in front of me. Before she can say one word, I rip open all the rage and frustration and pain I have been holding in. Not just at what she has done to me. At what her uncle did to me seven years ago.
“You don’t get to destroy my life,” I start. “You don’t get to hunt me down like an animal and shoot me with accusations that aren’t even true. I won’t let you intimidate me any more or turn my friends against me or allow you to come to the place I work with kids and harass me. You’re done.”
Addison is verbally slapped into silence.
“Your uncle molested me when I was eleven. That happened. He touched me whenever he wanted, wherever he wanted. I couldn’t do anything about it.”
People are walking by on the sidewalk. They come close enough to hear what I’m saying, but I don’t care. I would broadcast the specifics to an entire crowd if it would make Addison believe me.
I am not embarrassed anymore.
I am not ashamed.
And it feels like freedom.
My voice is strong and steady as I continue. “He said if I told anyone, he would hurt my little sister. So I kept quiet to protect her. But no one could protect me. What he did to me will affect my relationships for the rest of my life. That’s not okay. You accusing me of lying about what he did is not okay. You need to stop harassing me and my friends and move on.”
Addison has been watching me calmly this whole time. She hasn’t tried to interrupt. She doesn’t look angry or smug. She’s not glaring at me like she is out for more revenge. She almost looks normal. I don’t know why I didn’t notice this difference in her right away. I guess I was feeling the rush of standing up for myself so strongly it obliterated everything else.
“I believe you,” Addison says.
“What?”
“I know you’re telling the truth. I came here to apologize.”
“Um . . .”
“Another girl came forward. She said the same things you did. But this time there was more evidence. Her family pressed charges against my uncle. He was charged with enticement of a minor . . . and now he’s in jail.”
It doesn’t surprise me that he abused another girl. But I can’t believe Addison is admitting all this. “Is she okay?”
“As okay as she can be.”
I can tell it’s going to take me a while to fully absorb what Addison said. Her uncle is locked away where he can’t hurt any more girls. He will be flagged as a sex offender for the rest of his life. I hate that it took violating another girl to bring him to justice, but I am relieved he can’t hurt anyone else. Good. Over. Evil.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you before.” Addison looks like a totally different girl this time. She is shaken and vulnerable. She is no longer coming across as Nasty Girl. Today she is just a regular girl traumatized by a family scandal. “To you he was a monster. But to me . . . he was always my uncle, you know?”
Now I’m the one who is speechless.
Addison looks over at the elementary school where we have camp. “Part of the reason I was so angry at you is that it didn’t seem like you were lying. I couldn’t deal with the possibility that what you were saying was true. That this nice man I’d known my whole life could . . . do those things. He was there for me when no one else was. He was like a father
to me. I couldn’t accept that he would ever take advantage of an innocent girl like that.”
Her gaze drifts over to me, her eyes glazed with tears and sorrow. She’s mourning the loss of the man she thought she knew, now that she was forced to accept the harsh truth about him. I can understand how complicated this must be for her. In a way, her uncle was two different people. He convinced her that the charade he projected in public was his true identity. He fooled a lot of other people, too.
Not anymore.
That other girl who pressed charges is my new role model. She was confident the way I wish I had been. But now I also want to be confident for her. For the strength and courage she has shown. For every girl who was abused like we were and is strong enough to overcome.
We can do this. We are not alone. And we will not be broken.
CHAPTER 28
SADIE
BOSIE TEA PARLOR ISN’T AS fancy as it sounds. It’s actually not fancy at all. Bosie is this cute teahouse on Morton Street that pretty much has any kind of tea you could want. The ambience is mellow and the good vibes are abundant. As a tea enthusiast, I love coming here with friends for long conversations. Of course I’ve already brought Austin here. He likes it, but he’s not as into tea as I am. Same with Marnix. Which is why I was surprised when Marnix asked me to meet up with him here.
When I found out he was coming home, I wanted to get to know the real Marnix, even if he scared me. Not how I knew him back in high school when he would slam his door and lock himself in his room for hours, or get into crazy yelling matches with our dad, or pound the wall next to me, not even noticing that I was standing right there. Marnix had anger issues, but I never expected that he would try to kill himself. Was he suicidal back then? Did he try to kill himself before? What if he had tried back in high school and we had no clue? I would never forgive myself for having been oblivious when he needed me the most.
I want Marnix to know that I am here for him, and I want to make sure he’s okay. Or at least on the road to being okay. As I sit at a window table watching our neighborhood ebb and flow, I realize that we are connecting as brother and sister for the first time after both of us have moved away from home. I wonder what our relationship will be like after college. Or fifteen years from now when we’re grownups. Thinking about being in our thirties, probably married and maybe even with kids, is weird and wonderful.