“So how’s it going with our pact?” Sadie asks.
“I figured out my budget for freshman year,” Rosanna reports. “No more bagels! Trader Joe’s has all these pre-washed, pre-cut vegetables that aren’t even expensive. I can afford to spend more on vegetables if I get them all there. They have kale, broccoli, green beans . . . all the good stuff.”
“Just don’t ask me to help you cook,” I warn. “Unless you enjoy the smoke detector going off.”
“Ooh, we need to get that replaced,” Sadie says.
Rosanna continues. “You guys already know the Addison issue is over. Um . . . what was my third thing?”
“Reveling in your boy break,” I remind her.
“Right. Still working on that.” Rosanna turns to Sadie. “What about you?”
“Let’s see. Talking with Marnix last night helped a lot. I was surprised that hearing how he’s dealing with his baggage helped me unload mine. It’s amazing. All this time we had so much in common and I had no idea.”
Sadie watches the group meditating on the grass. We all watch them for a while. If anyone has mastered the art of being in the Now, it’s them. They are completely focused despite all the city noise surrounding them. I want to block out distractions like they can. I have to learn how to be more focused on where my life is going. No one can help me anymore. I am the only one I can count on.
“Your turn,” Sadie tells me.
Exactly.
“You mean have I convinced Jude we’re meant to be together?” I quip. “Yeah, no, hasn’t happened yet. But the cool thing is he’s motivating me to be a better version of myself just by being himself. The first time I went to his office, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Here was a street magician who transformed himself into a super successful entrepreneur. It was like the most magnificent magic trick ever. But Jude earned everything he has all by himself. He didn’t take money from his parents. He didn’t mooch off anyone. His success is all his own.”
I look up at the arch illuminated against the night sky, strong and stable. I want to be like that. I want to be impressive, someone people can look up to. Maybe even a role model. I don’t want to fall back into bad habits. Every time I think about Jude’s success, I realize all over again how drastically I am not living up to my own potential. He makes me want to be everything I can be.
Being with someone who inspires you to be a better person is an excellent sign that they are right for you.
I cannot believe what an idiot I was. How could I have let Jude slip away? Was Summer Fun Darcy so determined to have boy adventures that she couldn’t see what was right in front of her? Jude wanted a committed relationship. I wanted to keep things light and fun. I refused to let another boy hurt me again, and at the time I thought Jude was just another boy. But he wasn’t. He’s not. Jude would never hurt me the way Logan did. It’s just not who he is.
All boys are not created equal.
This epiphany was not easy to come by. I didn’t think I was capable of wanting another committed relationship after Logan. Until I was. And then I started to think about something I’d never considered before.
What if it’s not them? What if it’s me?
Logan was a first-class dumbass. No question. But what if there’s something about me that makes me more inclined to be attracted to boys like Logan? The sexy sloucher bad boys that no girl’s daddy wants her bringing home. The ones who will inevitably break her heart.
I woke up when I met Jude. It just took me a while to see that.
I want to know what it’s like to be in the kind of love that inspires you to look into yourself and follow your heart without fear. You have to go all in to bet on that kind of real love. No bluffing. No folding. No losing faith in your cards.
Emotional walls don’t protect you. They prevent you from living your best life.
Jude has to know my true feelings. That I want to be with him for real, the way he wants me to be. I will make better choices now to create the future I want.
A future with Jude in it. If it’s not too late.
CHAPTER 30
ROSANNA
“WHY DON’T WE START WITH why you’re here?” Dr. Ribisi suggests.
So far I like therapy. Dr. Ribisi has a very calming presence. Her voice is smooth and low. I could probably live in her office. It’s just as chill as she is with its neutral color scheme, fuzzy cream pillows on the big almond-colored couch, and bookshelves displaying a pleasing balance of books and arty objects. Her office is in a new building for different medical specialties on the UNY campus. Fortunately my student health insurance covers sessions with psychologists.
“Okay,” I begin. “I had my first boyfriend this summer. Donovan. D. We’re not together anymore. We broke up.”
“Who broke up with whom?”
“Technically I did? But it was because he was in love with someone else. He just didn’t know it. He was really good to me, though. We . . .” I twist my hands in my lap, trying to figure out what to say next. How to say it. “I was afraid to move forward with him. Physically. I was molested when I was eleven and . . . I thought that was why.”
Dr. Ribisi’s expression doesn’t change. She looks open and interested to hear what I have to say. Dr. Ribisi has perfect posture in her big armchair, even with her legs crossed. She writes something down in the notebook balanced on her thigh.
“Could that have been why?” I ask.
Dr. Ribisi looks at me. “Maybe. Or maybe you were cautious because he wasn’t the right person for you.”
Whoa. How have I never thought of that? It totally makes sense. Just because D was a good guy who took care of me doesn’t mean he was right for me. How could I have ever felt comfortable with him physically if his heart belonged to someone else?
“What else has been on your mind?” Dr. Ribisi asks.
I let everything pour out. “I’m trying to work on not being afraid. I couldn’t wait to move to New York, but it’s been scary. I worry about money every day. My parents can’t afford to help me pay for college. New York is way more expensive than I thought it would be and I’ve been worried about paying for everything. Next week I’ll barely be scraping by. Tomorrow is my last day as a camp counselor and I don’t start my work-study job until fall semester begins.” One of the fuzzy throw pillows is sitting next to me on the couch. It looks really soft. Am I allowed to touch it? Can I put it on my lap?
“How did you like being a camp counselor?”
“I loved it. I had a group of eight-year-old girls who were adorable. We had a lot of fun. Except for . . . a girl in my group was being abused by her mom’s boyfriend.” I tell Dr. Ribisi about Momo, about reporting my suspicions to Frank, who did nothing, and about finding Momo trapped in that horrible crawl space. “I don’t know why Frank never did anything. He’s probably just a typical administrator . . . too lazy to do the right thing. I mean, most people don’t do anything when they see a problem, unless it’s directly related to them. Frank knows that I found Momo in her apartment, but he hasn’t talked to me about it. Not even to apologize.” Why Frank wouldn’t investigate will probably remain a mystery forever.
“You said you’re working on not being afraid,” Dr. Ribisi says. “Are you afraid of anything else?”
“Mice. We had mice before and now I’m paranoid a mouse is going to claw its way up into my bed while I’m sleeping. Before I go into my room at night, I turn on the light and wait a few seconds in the doorway to check if a mouse is running across the floor.”
“The joys of city living.”
“More seriously, though . . . when I first got here, I was afraid of being alone. Like if something bad happened and I didn’t have my family or friends to help me. But now I have Sadie and Darcy. And Mica again. That’s a long story.”
Dr. Ribisi smiles. “Then it’s a good thing we have time.”
CHAPTER 31
SADIE
IMPERIAL WOODPECKER SNO-BALLS IS THE only place I want to be on a
sweltering night like this. Their air-conditioning is almost as cold as their shaved ice.
Austin and I grabbed the only free table when we got here. When some people left, he swiftly relocated two more chairs to our table. We needed them for Vienna and Jesse.
The only time I had ever seen Vienna before tonight was at our annual Remembrance Walk. She always said she wanted to get together in real life. But the concept of interacting with her outside of our insulated bubble scared me. I thought that if I didn’t have to see Vienna outside of the walk, I could restrict my mourning to that one day a year. But that’s not how things turned out. My nightmares are a warning sign that I have to face the loss of my sister. The loss refuses to be restricted to one day a year. It is with me all the time. The only way to heal this hole in my heart is to expose what happened. Hiding pain gives it even more power. I can’t risk the darkness taking over my life like it did to Marnix.
Vienna was really surprised when I called her. She didn’t think I ever would. Neither did I. Asking Vienna to be part of my real life was a huge step. I felt like I had to reach out to her as part of the pact I made with Rosanna and Darcy. I’m not as worried about explaining how I know Vienna now that Austin, Darcy, and Rosanna all know about my sister.
After I ran into Jesse in the laundry room again, I wasn’t ready to call Vienna about that party even though I said I would. Telling Darcy about the party was just an excuse. I was afraid to see Vienna. So I thought I could make it up to Jesse and bring Vienna into my life at the same time. Last time I saw her at the walk, Vienna said she liked a good friend of hers but was too afraid to tell him how she really felt. She eventually told him, but he didn’t feel the same way. So here we are.
“What about melon and root beer?” Jesse asks Vienna.
Vienna ponders this combination. They are figuring out which sno-ball flavors on the menu could be mixed to make the best new flavors.
“That just might be radical enough to work,” Vienna decides. “Birthday cake marshmallow?”
“Too sweet.”
“Hello, that’s the point.”
“Maybe coconut marshmallow?”
“But then it would be all white,” Vienna objects. “What fun is all white shaved ice? Where’s the party in my container?”
“You could have a party with rainbow sprinkles on top,” Jesse offers. He takes a huge bite of his spearmint sno-ball.
“There you go.” Vienna smiles at me. “You didn’t tell me the boy was a genius.”
“Only when it comes to sno-balls,” Jesse says. “And laundry.” He winks at Vienna. Her smile turns into a goofy grin.
“Want to try?” Austin holds up a spoonful of his blackberry for me. It would totally go with my cherry, but I’m trying not to be that couple. The couple who acts all adorable feeding each other and makes you want to gag. Normally I wouldn’t care what other people think, but I don’t want to make Vienna and Jesse uncomfortable with our googly eyes. Even though they’re acting just as googly.
I take the spoon from Austin. The intense blackberry flavor bursts in my mouth. Austin beams at me. He can tell I am savoring this flavor. He loves making me happy with the little things.
Austin and I were floating in a love bubble when we first got together. I fell for him so fast I couldn’t even think straight. But I had been waiting forever for a soul mate to come into my life. And then there he was, bright as day, undeniable. I knew we were meant to be.
Our love bubble popped when I found out he was married. When Shirley showed up at my building and then made that scene at the Slipper Room, I got scared that this would be my life if I stayed with Austin. A life of constantly looking over my shoulder for his stalker ex. Shirley rattled me to the core at the Slipper Room. I was determined to appear strong, but inside I was terrified. When Austin and I talked after, I told him that I might want to take a break until she calmed down and they were officially divorced. But Rosanna told me how humiliated Shirley was when they went outside. Rosanna doesn’t think Shirley will come after us again.
This ex situation has been complicated. I didn’t sign up for this. My soul mate didn’t come in the package I was expecting. But I fell in love with Austin unconditionally. If I want us to stay together, I have to accept all of him, just like he has to accept all of me.
Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I ran into Jesse in the laundry room again. Bringing Jesse and Vienna together could lead to a magnificent chain of events that all began because I was twenty-five cents short on my laundry card. You never know when a non-coincidence can change your life.
Austin pulls my chair over so it’s touching his. He puts his arm around me and I rest my head against his shoulder, watching Vienna and Jesse mix their spearmint and lemon flavors together. They are exuding that blissful euphoria you feel when you’re falling in like with someone. I can hear it in the way Vienna laughs at Jesse’s jokes like he’s the funniest boy in the world. I can see it in Jesse’s eyes when he looks at Vienna, attracted and intrigued. Times like this make me appreciate the beauty of how everything is connected. All the choices we make—every action, every word, every thought—have an impact on the world around us in ways more profound than we could ever imagine.
We all make mistakes. We all have regrets we wish we could go back and do over. But wallowing in those regrets is not living. Life is about believing that we can do better next time. And never losing hope that maybe, if we refuse to give up, we will become the person we actually want to be.
CHAPTER 32
DARCY
I’M FLYING ON A NATURAL high as I sail across campus from the UNY Academic Resource Center. One of the freshman academic advisers gave me information on declaring a major within the Department of Media, Culture, and Communication. My bag is filled with brochures, pamphlets, and notes that will become components of my road map to success. Never thought I’d see the day, but I love being a girl with a road map.
It blows my mind how quickly life can turn around after a bomb shatters your entire world. One day you think there is no possible way things will ever get better. It seems like you will always feel this broken, this devastated, this desperate. But then you force yourself to keep going. You make plans to pull yourself out of the rubble. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over. That’s when life meets you halfway and mighty forces help to make things happen.
A peace I’ve never felt before engulfs me like one of those big bubbles in the park. Like no matter what else life throws at me, it will all be okay. I will make it okay.
The campus is empty, but I can almost feel the nervous excitement from students who will be flooding in next week for fall semester. Almost like I’m picking up on the energy of everyone who can’t wait to come back to college or arrive for the first time. Could this be part of the whole creative visualization thing Sadie’s been talking about? She’s reading this book all about visualizing your dream life, then making that vision reality. Listening to her worship the power of positive energy sounded more like cult brainwashing and less like practical advice at first. But now I think she’s on to something.
When I was describing my mental picture of my future to the adviser, it made me feel powerful. Not only because I am determined to build a new life for myself on my own. Because I could feel the strength my thoughts have in building that life. Sadie says that our thoughts influence our words, our words influence our actions, and our actions shape our lives. Now I understand what she means. I used to think girl power was mostly about sisterhood. Also about taking a stand and being your best self. Being confident enough to own your choices, to chase after what makes you happy even if others don’t agree. I have always followed my heart in that way. But now I’m beginning to understand how much power my thoughts have. Sadie is right. Positive thoughts do result in positive actions. Just in case she’s also right about that feng shui stuff, I moved two of the glass bottles that were on my dresser to my windowsill facing south. Objects in pairs along a so
uthern wall allegedly promote relationship prosperity.
Daydreams about Jude sneak into my thoughts as I walk to Bleecker Street. Instead of visualizing me telling him I want to be his girlfriend and him shutting me down, I visualize the most positive scene I can imagine. I tell Jude I want to be his girlfriend. He sweeps me up in his arms and tells me I’m the only girl for him. He says some cliché movie line like “What took you so long?” And then we have this epic kiss in front of a huge window high above our city, glittery lights sparkling below us.
I would never admit how happy this cheesy fantasy is making me.
I walk past my dream apartment before realizing I didn’t even notice it. Which is crazy because I always stop to look inside. That’s how powerful my Jude movie kiss fantasy was. Or maybe it’s because I actually made it to the other side of the glass. I love this apartment more than ever, but its lure isn’t as strong as it was before. I have seen what’s on the other side. That sense of wonder, standing here all those times filling in the blanks, is what pulled me in. Finding my way to the other side of the glass is now another sweet memory I can add to my first summer in New York.
A new glittery rose-gold Kate Spade bag winks at me from the window of this boutique I adore on Bleecker Street. I wink back. Then I go inside. Raoul is on the floor, fussing over an immaculate display of Dolce & Gabbana clutches. Each one shimmers in its own fabulous way.
I dart over to Raoul, my fave sales associate. “Did these just come in?” I drool.
“New this morning.” He holds up a shiny silver clutch with a mirrored clasp for my admiration. “Aren’t they to die?”
“Want.” Old Darcy would have snatched up this clutch in a flash along with the metallic gold one perched next to it. But New Darcy doesn’t even touch them. Instead I slip behind the counter and take over the register. This is so much better than working at Java Stop.
I didn’t just want a new job at one of my favorite boutiques in the Village. I needed this job. One more day at Java Stop and I would have had a meltdown all over the chocolate croissants. Making those ridiculously pretentious coffee drinks was not the best use of my social butterfly skills or wealth of fashion knowledge. So I totally stalked this place and a bunch of other boutiques I love. I kept calling the managers. I stopped by before and after my Java Stop shifts, chatting up the salespeople for inside information. Turns out there was a position opening up here because the girl who had this job before me left for grad school in Ohio. I nabbed the opening before it was even listed.