My eyes, which had started closing in blissful anticipation, shot open, gaping wide at the ones that stared back at me. Black, not steely gray.
I wanted to scream as Cole’s hands continued their exploration of my skin. And just when I thought I could bear it no longer without screaming, it wasn’t me he was touching anymore. The woman I was watching him with seemed to be enjoying what was about to happen.
With morbid curiosity I watched as Cole reached for something, realizing it was a length of rope. The woman seemed blissfully unaware of whatever it was Cole intended to do with it or that he even had something in his hand. Before I even understood what was happening, Cole had the rope wrapped around her neck before she could even scream.
Sweat covered me as I woke up, panting, my insides squirming in disgust. I felt dizzy and the branded X on the back of my neck prickled slightly.
I was glad to see that Alex wasn’t lying beside me. Alex didn’t need to see me having nightmares. It just wasn’t fair to him. When I looked at the clock and saw that it was already ten, I knew why he wasn’t still there. It was Saturday and Rod liked to go play basketball on his day off. It probably wouldn’t be too long before he would come home. Alex needed a distraction too. Ever since he had made everyone at the hospital forget I was even there he’d been off. I didn’t blame him. There was something wrong with messing with people’s heads.
As if these new nightmares weren’t disturbing enough, I had the sickening feeling that they weren’t just nightmares. They felt so real and they were so vivid. Each one had been slightly different yet all too similar, all five of them. Every one started with Cole charming the woman in the dream, always starting out as me, followed by some romantic escapade that included having a portrait painted of myself. Just as it seemed I was unwittingly about to make love to Cole it thankfully wasn’t me anymore and Cole choked the life out of the other woman. He murdered them.
The part that worried me, that made me think the nightmares might be real where the surroundings. I wasn’t dreaming of any time period I had ever lived in, was never dressed in the current trends of today. Everything looked very mid-eighteenth century, exactly when Cole had been alive.
I had never known all the deeds Cole had committed that led to his branding but I saw this could be a strong possibility. He had a reason to hate women.
I climbed into the shower, feeling desperate to get my skin clean, even though I knew Cole had not in fact touched me in any way. I still felt dirty and defiled.
The bathroom was filled with steam when I got out. Maybe I had tried too hard to scald off the feelings of filth that weren’t real. I wrapped a thick white towel around myself and opened the door to my bedroom to get dressed. I was halfway to my closet when I heard him move and felt his arms wrap around my waist as he came out from his hiding place behind the door.
Alex’s lips traced a path from my shoulder, up my neck, to my ear. He did that to get a rise out of me and it worked. He knew I didn’t like him playing with my ears, I thought it was just weird, not sexy. I turned in his arms, a smile playing on my face, a blinding one plastered on his.
“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” he said quietly as he pressed a soft kiss to my lips.
“Morning,” I said as I touched my forehead to his, biting my lower lip as the smile spread on my face.
Alex’s hands traced my skin upwards, leaving tingling trails, up to the raised wings that spanned my back. I saw the way his eyes danced as he looked into mine, making my blood surge and rise in my veins. I didn’t know any other way to respond when Alex looked at me like that.
My hands fisted in his hair as our lips met again and Alex crushed me into his chest. I wondered about the restraint he must have had to use to not totally crush my every bone but for some reason this excited me all the more. Even though the fact that Alex was an angel struck terror into my heart at times, at others it made me want him in a nearly painful way.
Things ended the way they always did for us, in the bed but with neither of us completely satisfied and both our consciences clean.
“One of these times…” Alex trailed off as he lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling.
I smiled slightly but my mind was in other places by now. Back to a few months before, to a scene very much like this one. It had led to a trip to Seattle, a decision made by Alex, a ring bought somewhere in the middle, and ended with a kidnapping.
I couldn’t seem to think of anything other than the fact that Alex was never going to ask me to marry him. It was going to consume me until it drove me totally insane.
“Let’s go for a ride,” I said as I stood up and made my way to the closet. “But I want to drive today.”
“Okay,” Alex said, a slightly surprised look crossing his face. I never drove the motorcycle on our rides.
“Now get out for a minute so I can change,” I said with a small smile when Alex just sat there and stared at me with an almost drugged looking smile on his face.
He just shook his head with that smile as he stood and left, closing the door behind him.
“I think maybe you should slow down!” I heard Alex yell from behind me. “You’re going to get pulled over!”
I ignored Alex as I gunned the bike faster, the towering trees whipping past us. I wasn’t too worried about any cops out here. I still had yet to see any signs of life on these rural roads.
I knew I was being stupid and reckless, but the speed seemed to have a way of releasing some of the pent up emotions that threatened to explode from me. Maybe it was the tight leather I wore, a gift I’d received from Alex a few months previous, maybe it was the way I knew I looked in it, maybe it was just the way something under my skin knew something was wrong. But I needed to get out and do something stupid.
“Jessica!” I heard him yell. “Seriously, slow down!”
I still ignored him and a small, satisfied smile spread on my lips when I saw that the speedometer indicated I was pushing ninety-five miles an hour.
And just like that, it felt like my stomach had leapt out of my throat as iron bands gripped my waist and the motorcycle threatened to buck out of my hands. We came to a screeching, smoking halt.
As I killed the gas, the wheels spinning and skidding against the road, I turned around to see that Alex had slipped off the back of the bike. His hands gripped my sides hard enough there should be bruises later, if I still bruised. A trail of chewed up pavement made paths to his feet that were buried into the ground. Alex had pulled us to a grinding, halting stop.
“What the crap are you trying to do?” he demanded as he let go and pulled his totally unnecessary helmet off. His eyes were wide, angry, and confused at the same time. “Are you trying to kill yourself?!”
I was still in shock over what Alex had done and I didn’t have anything to say in response. My body was confused. I wanted to be angry but my brain seemed to still be waiting to catch up with me. I pulled my helmet off without even thinking about it.
“What’s going on, Jessica?” he asked, his voice exasperated. “You’re all over the place lately. You’re normal one moment, then you’re depressed or angry the next. And now you’re acting like you think you’re invincible. Is this about Rod proposing to Amber last night? About how I haven’t?”
“Everything is about how you haven’t!” I suddenly shouted. All the anger, frustration, and sadness finally seemed to have caught up with me. “You know that! I can’t get over it Alex! I can’t keep going about day-to-day life like you don’t have a ring for me, like things can never be the way they’re supposed to be. And the most frustrating thing is that I know that things will never change. It is just going to keep going on like this!”
Alex’s face was stunned for a long moment. “What are you saying?” he said quietly. “Do you want me to leave? That you can’t keep doing this? Us?”
It felt like Alex had slapped me across the face. I could only glare at him for a moment. “You’re insane if you think I could ever live without y
ou,” I said, still feeling frustrated and angry but horrified that this was how Alex had taken what I had said. But thinking back on what I had said, how could he have taken it any other way? “Forget I said anything. Let’s just go home.”
“Jessica, I…” he trailed off. He let out a frustrated sigh. I knew how he felt. We just kept arguing in the same circle, without being able to find a solution. There wasn’t anything to be said that hadn’t already been said. But we both knew there was no way we could live without each other. The very thought was a nightmare too horrible for us to comprehend. “I’m driving. You’re just going to get yourself killed.”
I then remembered what Alex had said about thinking I was invincible. Maybe I was. After everything that had happened lately it kind of looked that way.
I couldn’t help but think as I climbed on the bike behind Alex that maybe that would solve our problems. We couldn’t seem to find a way to be together as we should be as human and angel. Perhaps the only way to solve this was to fully become an angel myself.
Neither of us said anything as Alex drove us home at a legal speed. I felt ashamed for what I thought about becoming an angel. The fact that I had even had the thought scared me. I was ashamed for behaving so horribly the last few weeks. I didn’t want to feel like this and I hated that Alex and I were fighting.
I still didn’t know how to get over this though.
Alex eased the bike into the garage and shut the engine off. I slid off and pulled my helmet off. Alex swung his other leg over but remained sitting on the bike as he took his helmet off as well and just stared at me. I had a hard time looking at him, with those piercing gray eyes that looked so sad, knowing I was the reason they looked that way.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I just… I’m going to go check on Sal.”
Alex didn’t say anything but I felt his eyes on my back as I walked out the garage and up to the road.
As soon as I knew he couldn’t see me, I doubled over and threw up on the side of the road. I walked to Sal’s front door with shaking legs.
I knocked on the door twice before letting myself in. I could tell from the mounting mess that filled her house that the house cleaner hadn’t been by in a few days. They must have been coming by tonight or tomorrow.
“Sal?” I called as I closed the front door behind me.
“Down here!” I heard her call from the floor below.
I found Sal in her office, sitting at the huge desk, gluing something in a book. I realized it was a scrapbook and she was adhering a picture of Alex and I into it. There were stacks of pictures Alex had taken and printed out for her spread out on the desk.
I didn’t say anything as I sat down and watched Sal get the photo positioned just right. Sal seemed better lately, since Cole had left and she had been discharged from the institution. She had more lucid times and a lot of the time she seemed nearly normal. But when she had her bad moments, they were usually worse.
“What is wrong, Jessica?” I hadn’t even realized Sal had finished and was looking into my face with a concerned expression.
I wanted to reassure her that nothing was wrong but I couldn’t. I didn’t have the strength and I didn’t have the willpower to try and deny the feelings that were raging and storming within me.
“I yelled at Alex,” I said honestly.
“Alex is a nice man,” Sal said, a slightly sharp tone to her voice. “You shouldn’t yell at him.”
“I know,” I said softly, my voice sounding hoarse. “I didn’t want to and I’m sorry I did but I was mad at him.”
“Why?” she asked, absolute interest in her face.
“Because he won’t do something I want him to,” I answered. As I said the words I realized how childish and selfish I sounded and was being.
“There must be a reason,” Sal said as she looked at the pile of pictures, picking one out. “Alex would do anything for you. He loves you. I wish Roger had loved me like Alex loves you.”
The fact that Sal had said her ex-husbands name surprised me. I couldn’t recall her ever saying it out loud before, other than when she screamed it out in her sleep.
“I know,” I said with a sigh.
“Maybe he knows something you don’t. Maybe that’s part of the reason,” she said as she cut off a portion of the picture and then glued it to a page. It was a picture of me and my father, from my birthday party.
I made an agreeing noise, not thinking too much about what she said. I could sense one of Sal’s more out-of-it moments coming on. “Do you need anything?” I asked as I stood up.
“More glue,” she said without looking up at me. “And four mangos. Oh, and a jar of peanut butter.”
I chuckled internally at her request. Sal was severely allergic to peanuts. She had probably forgotten. I would keep the peanut butter off my shopping list. “All right, I’ll get them next time I go to the store.”
Sal reached into a drawer, drew out a wad of money and threw it in my direction. It was more than fifty dollars but I knew better than to try and give some back to her. She would be offended and would likely scream at me.
“I will see you later,” I called as I walked out the door and up the stairs.
I was feeling slightly better as I started the short walk back home, but as I thought back over Sal and I’s conversation, something she said struck me.
Maybe he knows something you don’t. Maybe that’s part of the reason.
Some horrible things started to click together in my head as I thought about Sal’s words. Alex had repeatedly said that he didn’t know what was going to happen to him anymore. That he didn’t have any control over his time. I recalled the scene Alex showed me, of his own unfinished trial.
The council members had been telling him something as Alex closed the vision or whatever it was. What they had started to say seemed important and it now felt very deliberate that Alex didn’t let me hear the rest.
Even though I kept walking, I felt my body freeze up. What did Alex know that he wasn’t telling me?
My every nerve seemed about to shatter as I got to the front door and opened it. This new thought terrified me and made me feel immature and stupid for behaving the way I had been lately. This was Alex. What Sal said about Alex doing anything for me was true. He’d already proven that. If he wouldn’t marry me when I had told him I didn’t care what happened afterward, he must have had a pretty powerful reason why.
ALEX
As soon as Jessica was out of sight, I lost it. It was stupid and pointless but I plowed my fist into the wall. I barely even felt it as currents of electricity raced up my arm. Great, now I was going to have to fix the sheetrock and call an electrician.
I went inside and slammed the door closed behind me. I flipped the TV on in an effort to distract myself but turned it off less than thirty seconds later. I nearly punched the screen out for no good reason.
I leaned against the wall, slid down and buried my face in my hands. What was I doing? I kept telling myself that I couldn’t marry Jessica because I wouldn’t do that only to possibly be taken away the next day. But why? Jessica had told me dozens of times that she didn’t care, she’d take anything we could get. My holding back wasn’t making her happy. It was making her totally miserable. It certainly wasn’t making me happy.
So why was I holding back?
My shoulders suddenly felt lighter as my thoughts resolved. I was going to do it. Today. As soon as Jessica walked back through the door. I would drop down on one knee and I would ask Jessica to marry me.
I got to my feet, excitement coursing through my system. I felt relieved that we were finally going to move past all the depression and hurt. Damn the consequences. Damn whatever might happen tomorrow.
As I reached into my pocket for the box I had carried around for the last few months, I felt something else vibrate and pulled my cell phone out. The screen display said I had just received a new text message.
Yet again my stomach felt like it was hollowing out as
I read it.
I couldn’t ask Jessica to marry me. Not only because it could crush her, but because there were worse things that could happen to me than just being pulled back into the afterlife permanently. They could still do horrible things to Jessica once I was gone. They could torture her, just as they did me, for the location of a certain dark angel.
JESSICA
I wondered if this was what shock felt like. I couldn’t remember actually walking into the house and closing the door behind me. I didn’t even realize that Alex had walked into the room and had said something to me. “Jessica?” he said, a look of concern on his face. “Is something wrong?”
His voice sounded far away and muffled as I tried to clear the suddenly dead feeling from my head. “Yeah, no, I…” I said as I shook my head, closing my eyes deliberately before I opened them again. I then realized that Alex was extending his cell phone to me. He must have said something earlier about it that I hadn’t heard. “Sorry, what did you say?”
Alex’s face was a mess of emotions as he looked at me. “I just got this a few minutes ago. I think you should take a look at it.”
I took the phone from him, wondering what he could be talking about. It appeared to be a text message and I noted the name of the sender was Emily’s.
Tell Jessica that I’m fine.
She can stop calling.
I found Cole.
I finally have what she does.
I blanched as I read Cole’s name and my knees felt weak. The dreams I had been having of him lately flooded my memory.
Emily was with him.
Without realizing what I was doing, I pushed the call button and held the phone to my ear.