I finally broke down as I pulled into the parking lot of the bookstore. My breathing came in sharp gasps. I could feel panic boiling up in my system, threatening to take me over. Tears sprang to my eyes and came down my face in angry torrents.
Alex and I had had another fight, yet the same one we had been having over and over again. I wanted to be his wife, to have all of him. And he wouldn’t do it.
I hated that we were fighting, I wanted it to end. But I wasn’t going to give up on this. On him. I would deny that he might not be with me someday until the day he wasn’t.
I squeezed my eyes closed and leaned my forehead against the steering wheel. It felt good to let it all out. I couldn’t let Alex or anyone else see this. But it felt good to release everything.
And yet it shredded me to pieces at the same time.
Taking a deep breath and wiping the tears off my cheeks, I realized I was now almost ten minutes late. I pulled the sun visor down, checking my reflection in the mirror. My heart leapt into my throat as I caught the reflection of something moving behind my car, just a quick white blur. I whipped around in my seat, my eyes searching frantically for whatever it had been. I found the parking lot devoid of any movement.
The feeling that a pair of eyes were watching me made my skin crawl. Even though I couldn’t see who the eyes belonged to, the gaze was intense. It took every ounce of courage I had to jump out of my car and run into the bookstore.
I clocked in and set to stocking a few shelves. My hands were shaking violently and my stomach felt queasy. This wasn’t the first time in the last week or so that I’d felt invisible eyes watching me.
“Are you okay, Jessica?” Rita asked as she walked up to me, her expression concerned.
“Yeah,” I sniffed and tried not to look at her. I realized then that signs of my breakdown must have still been evident on my face. Crying did horrible things to my skin. “I’m fine.”
“Oh sweetie,” she said as she placed a hand lightly on my shoulder. “You don’t look like you feel fine. And you’re pale as a ghost. Do you want to talk about it?”
I could only give Rita a half smile, touched by this woman who cared so much. I missed having a motherly figure in my life, one that cared about me and asked if I ‘wanted to talk about it’. “No, it’s fine. Thanks though.”
“If you’re sure,” she said as she gave me a sad smile. “You’re welcome to use my office if you need some time to yourself today.”
“Thanks,” I said again, fighting back the tears that wanted to spill now at her compassion. I tried to ignore the fact that Austin was watching a little too closely.
I pulled a few more books out of the box at my feet and set them on the shelf. My hands still shook violently.
My nerves were even more on edge the last week than normal. I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching me, even following me. That there was someone lurking in the shadows that I couldn’t see.
And then there was the increase in fights between Alex and I. It had gotten so bad one night I had nearly called Emily to ask if I could come stay with her for the night. I knew he wanted me to just let this go. How did he even think that was possible for me?
Not all of us are so noble.
My body froze as the words prickled somewhere in the recesses of my mind. It wasn’t like I had even heard the words. It was more an impression of the idea.
…always waiting for you.
Black spots formed in the edges of my vision and my knees started shaking.
This isn’t real, this isn’t real. He’s gone. I repeated that over and over in my mind, trying to convince myself that it was true.
My eyes flashed back open as a pair of hands suddenly wrapped around my arms. I flung my hands at them, a scream escaping from my chest. That was when I realized it was Austin who had grabbed me and I was half on the floor.
“Whoa, Jess,” he said as he backed his face away from my hands. “You looked like you were going to pass out there. Calm down. Are you okay?”
He lowered me onto the ground, his eyes searching my face. I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head. I hid my shaking hands in my lap.
“What happened?” he asked, looking around for what I assumed was Rita.
“I…” I stuttered, struggling to come up with an answer. “I just got light-headed, that’s all.”
“Here,” he said as he gave me a hand and pulled me to my feet. “Maybe it will help if you eat something. Have you eaten anything today?”
“No,” I answered him. In fact, I probably hadn’t eaten anything in three or four days. Alex and I had been fighting so much he hadn’t thought to force any food into my system.
Maybe that’s all it was. My body needed food, and in response to its starvation, I’d had a delusion.
But I knew I was lying to myself.
That night I lay alone, staring up at the ceiling. I glanced over at the clock on my nightstand. 1:37. I’d been lying awake in bed for the last two and a half hours, staring into the dark, telling myself that the impressions I’d felt earlier weren’t real.
He’s gone, I thought to myself again. It wasn’t real.
I jumped violently as the phone rang. I reached over and picked it up after only one ring. Who was calling at this time of night?
“Hello?”
“Jessica,” I immediately recognized Emily’s voice. “I’m in trouble,” she sounded like she was crying. “Can you come get me?”
“Of course,” I said as I sat up and turned on the lamp. “Where are you?”
She gave me an address with a quick request that I hurry before we hung up.
I flung some pants and a jacket on before I grabbed my purse and headed upstairs. Alex was sitting at the kitchen table, working on something at his laptop.
“I’ve got to go pick up Emily,” I said, not even looking at him.
“Do you need me to come?” he asked, worry in his voice.
“No,” I said shortly. I walked out the door and closed it behind me before he could say anything else.
As I drove to the address Emily had given me I felt a bad vibe creep over me. This was a sketchy part of town in the middle of the day, it was downright terrifying looking in the middle of the night.
I found Emily sitting on the curb under a street lamp, clutching a jacket around her shoulders. I pulled up and pushed the passenger door open for her. She climbed in and pulled the door closed.
I glanced at her as I pulled away. Her face was streaked with dried tears and running make up. Her hair was tousled looking, her clothes looking disheveled.
“What happened?” I asked, feeling a large lump in my throat. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know.
She squeezed her eyes closed and shook her head. I glanced away from the road and saw the tears break free from her eyelashes, sending black trails down her face again.
“What am I doing?” she half whispered. “I’m going to get myself killed.”
My heart hammered chilled blood as I considered what she said. “Are you okay? Did someone do something to you?”
She opened her eyes again, pursed her lips tight and looked out the window. “I went out with this guy. We went for drinks. He must have slipped something into mine. Most everything is a blur but I remember fighting him off me and not knowing what to do. I found a payphone and called you. I didn’t think to grab my purse. The creep will probably steal everything inside.”
I didn’t say anything for a long while. I didn’t know what to say.
“Hey,” she said as her awareness perked up a bit. “You just missed the turn off to my place.”
I shook my head. “You’re staying at my house tonight. There’s no way I’m letting you stay by yourself the rest of the night.”
Emily was quiet for a second. She reached over and gave my hand a quick squeeze. “Thank you, Jessica.”
CHAPTER SIX
JESSICA
The night was cooler than it had been for a few weeks. I breathed
it in and out, wishing it could clear out all the bad feelings I had coiling up inside of me. I took a seat on the front step and soaked the cool air up. It felt a little weird, sitting in the front when the back view was so much nicer. The back deck was just kind of our spot and I needed to escape the turmoil that was surrounding Alex and I right now.
Alex had taken off to the new house, saying he needed to get a few more things prepped before they came to install the carpet the next day. The time apart came as a relief to the both of us. We both needed some air, some space to breathe. We’d still been arguing a lot lately, or at least I was doing a lot of arguing.
I’d only been outside for about three minutes when I heard a car pull into the driveway and looked up. I felt my stomach knot when I recognized the car and the man that got out of it.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as Austin walked over, his hands in his pockets.
“I’m not really sure,” he said, his face reflecting what he said. “I thought maybe you could use someone to talk to. You seemed a little down at work today.”
“More than just a little,” I sighed as I slid over on the step to make room as Austin joined me.
“Okay, more than just a little,” he chuckled. When I didn’t say anything for a moment he took lead. “So… what’s up? Why all gloomy?”
“I don’t know if I want to talk about it,” I said as I stared across the small patch of front lawn.
“My mom and sisters say I’m an excellent listener.”
I didn’t say anything for a while, not really wanting to talk to the guy who was a little too interested in me about the guy that was the cause of my turmoil.
“Is there a little trouble in paradise?” Austin asked teasingly. “Something wrong between you and pretty boy?”
“Don’t call him pretty boy!” I snapped, glaring at Austin.
“Whoa, sorry,” he apologized, holding his hands up defensively. “Just trying to lighten up the mood a bit.”
“I’m sorry,” I said as I rubbed my eyes. “I’m just… dealing with a lot right now.”
“You sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
I finally looked over at Austin, met his chocolate brown eyes. They were soft and curious, yet they sincerely told me he wanted to help.
“Alex and I have been fighting,” I finally blurted out, looking back out over the lawn. “I want him to do something but he won’t do it. He has his reasons but I… He’s looking at this in totally the wrong way. We’re supposed to be together, no matter what’s changed in the last few months.
“And then, well, yeah, there’s some other stuff I can’t talk about,” I caught myself before I started babbling about how I couldn’t figure out why a sadistic angel had come out of the land of the dead after me. Or about how I was afraid he wasn’t actually ready to leave me alone. “Everything’s just so messed up right now. I feel like everything’s spinning out of control. It’s killing me.”
“There,” Austin said with a hint of a smile on his face. “You feel better?”
“Eh, not really,” I automatically responded. “Well, maybe just a little.”
He just smiled and we both sat in the quiet for a little while. He picked a long piece of grass from the edge of the steps and twirled it in between his fingers. “I know a lot about fighting,” he finally said, his voice a little quieter. “My parents used to fight every night. I’d cry myself to sleep a lot as a kid. No kid should ever have to hear the things they screamed at each other. They finally got divorced my sophomore year of high school.
“You’re fighting now. Things only get harder as life goes along.”
“It’s not like that,” I said, feeling a lump form in my throat. My eyes stung as tears sprang into them. “No one could really understand what we’re going through right now. Things will work out though. They have to.”
Austin just looked at me for a long while. I could feel the mood turn all the more somber.
“I hope they do,” he finally said and patted me on the back. “You deserve to be happy. Just remember he’s not the only option there is out there.”
Before I could say anything else, Austin stood and walked back to his car. Before he got in, he looked back and waved. He then backed out and drove away.
It wasn’t the same as talking to Emily but it was nice to talk to someone who didn’t know all the gory details.
I wasn’t sure I felt any better after talking to Austin though. Two tears spilled down my cheek as the clouds rolled in and the sun set behind the mountains. A few minutes later the rain started to softly fall.
I still hadn’t moved when Alex pulled in the driveway and parked. He walked up the sidewalk and stood in front of me, his shirt slowly getting soaked as he stood in the rain.
We didn’t say anything for a few moments, just stared at each other. Emotions pushed and pulled between us in unspoken hurt and grief. We didn’t have to say anything. Everything that needed to be said had already been said.
“Can we just be us tonight?” he finally said. I hated myself when I saw the pain in his eyes, the worry and uncertainty that was there. “No worries about what’s going to happen in the future? No fighting. Just me and you?”
I stood up and joined him in the light rain. I wrapped my arms behind his neck and looked up into his changed eyes. “I’d like that a lot actually,” I said as another tear rolled down my cheek, camouflaged graciously by the drops that fell from the sky.
“Come on,” he said as he took my hand and led me down the hill in the nearly diminished light.
The lake was perfectly quiet as the rain created endless patterns on the water. We were the only ones around.
Alex led me out onto the dock and just held me for several long minutes. It felt nice, to just be together like this, not worrying about things that felt out of our control. It reminded me of everything that was really important, why I loved him so much. This was home; this was where I belonged, forever.
He looked down at me and his lips found mine. They worked together in practiced unison, never tiring of what they discovered together.
To my surprise, Alex’s hands tugged at the hem of my shirt, lifting it up over my head.
“What…?” I started to question.
“Let’s go for a swim,” he said as our lips continued to move together.
“In the rain?” I asked against his lips. At the same time I lifted his shirt off, my hands tracing the perfect panes of his chest and stomach.
“Why not?” he asked as that smile tugged at his lips.
I couldn’t help but return the smile and just gave a shrug.
I pulled my pants off, only feeling a little self-conscious that Alex was seeing me in only my bra and underwear. My stomach did a little quiver as Alex stripped down to his boxers.
With a squeal, I jumped into the water with Alex’s hand in mine.
It felt good, to just let things go and just be us. I needed some fun, to get back to the here and now. We chased each other in the water, creating a game of underwater tag. Alex of course won, cheating with his lack of needing to breathe.
It was totally black for nearly an hour before Alex gathered me back up in his arms.
He touched his forehead to mine, looking at me intently, though it was hard to make anything out with only the lights in the windows to see by. “You know I love you right?” he said seriously.
“Of course,” I answered.
“Okay, just never forget that. That’s all that matters.”
I pressed my lips to his, gently at first but ending with more force.
“I love you Alex,” I breathed. “Don’t you ever forget that.”
It didn’t change what I wanted from Alex but after our night in the water I wasn’t quite so depressed. I made an extra effort to not make Alex miserable anyway. And to make myself not so miserable to be around.
My recent paranoia of thinking Cole was stalking me brought that subject back front and center in my mind. The thought that Co
le had been lying to me before about why he had come after me had never even crossed my mind before Emily had brought it up. I had also tried very hard to block the whole terrifying incident out of my head. But why would Cole lie about that? Had there been something more sinister and complicated behind it all the entire time? I felt like I was going in circles, always asking the same question and coming up with no reasonable or even unreasonable answers.
The more I thought about this the more it drove me crazy. Of course the one person who knew me better than anyone would notice.
“Is something wrong, Jessica?” he asked me one sunny afternoon on the deck. “You seem really distracted lately.”
“I don’t know, I just…” I shook my head as I stared out over the water, watching but not really seeing the group of teenagers swimming. “Emily just said something a while back that I can’t seem to get out of my head.” I would leave out the part about Cole stalking me at all costs.
“What?” Alex questioned, his brow becoming furrowed. I lost my train of thought for a few seconds as I let my eyes wander over the perfection of his face.
“Uh…” I stuttered for a moment. “Well, Emily asked me about what happened with Cole when he took me and I told her. She said something though about what he said as to why he took me. She thought he was lying, that there must have been some real reason why he came after me.”
“You’re worried there might have been more behind it?” Alex probed.
“Yeah,” I said as I nodded my head. “Why me? Was it just because I’m human? Did he just want the long lost connection? He had to have known there was something different about Emily, that she wasn’t the person on trial either. Why not her? And after finding out about Emily, there has to be other people out there who have gone through this too. Why not any of them?”
Alex’s hands suddenly but very softly lay on either side of my face and his steel gray eyes burned into mine. I felt myself suddenly relax and then realized just how worked up I had been getting over all of this.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said softly but firmly. “No matter the reason he came after you, he can’t touch you now. Not ever. I made absolutely certain of that. You saw it yourself. You don’t have to be afraid of him anymore, wherever he is.”