CHAPTER XV.
The Wizard Determines to Leave the Camp of Rascogne de Sevigneois, Explaining to Shelyid the Continuing Necessity To Consult the Witch Magrit That He Might Determine the Identity of His Enemies, the Uncovering of These Dastards Being Essential to the Thwarting of Their Scheme to Thwart the Thaumaturge in His Efforts to Uncover the True Meaning of the Dream of the (Now Deceased) King of Goimr, the Discovery of This True Meaning, In Its Turn, Being Essential to the Mage's Determination to Forestall the Catastrophe Which Even Now Looms Over All of Civilization, Even as the Mighty and Forward Rushing Tidal Wave Looms Over the Sleeping and Unaware Inhabitants of the Island Paradise. The Dwarf Argues With the Wizard, Announcing That He Has Discovered in His Runtish Soul the Burning Desire to Become a Highwayman. Indeed, the Gnome Cavorts About in a Most Unseemly and Ridiculous Manner, Displaying With a Small Poignard the Novice's Skill He Has Learned in Swordplay From the Rascally Rascogne, Who Has, The Mage Now Discovers To His Great Displeasure, Been Usurping the Wizard's Monopoly Over the Dwarf's Education. After a Most Disgraceful Scene, the Proper Relation Between Master and Servant is Restored. Our Heroes Depart, Shelyid Blubbering Great Tears at His Parting From the Highwayman and La Contessa. An Adventurous Trek Through the Mountains, Northward Toward the Still Distant City of Prygg. Several Days Into Their Journey, They Rest For the Night in a Great Cave. Alas, the Cave is Inhabited By Trolls, Which Pounce on the Dwarf Whilst the Wizard Is Absent, Searching for Fell Herbs on the Mountainside Below. Hearing the Alarum, Zulkeh Races to the Scene. He Is Trampled By Trolls Fleeing the Cave in Utter Terror. Entering the Cave, Zulkeh is Presented With a Mystery. Nothing is Within the Cave to Have Caused This Unwonted Troll Stampede Save the Swooned Form of Shelyid, Clutching in His Little Hand the Dagger Given Him by Rascogne. The Wizard Revives His Apprentice and Discusses the Paradox. Shelyid Proudly Proclaims the Trolls Fled From the Most Fearsome Manner In Which He Displayed His Poignard. The Mage Disputes This Absurd Claim, Recounting for the Gnome's Edification The Slavering Fury Of Trolls And These Monsters' Utter Disregard For Pain and Wounds. The Wizard Ponders on This New Paradox Long Into the Night, Taking the Opportunity to Educate the Dwarf Not Only On Trolls But On All Other Manner of Fearsome and Unnatural Monsters, Among Which He Touches Upon, If Only In Passing, Such Creatures As Vampires, Ghouls, Ghasts, Goblins, Hobgoblins, Orcs, Wargs, Werewolves, Ettins, Not To Mention the Divers and Sundry Breeds of Demons, Daemons, Devils and Demodands. Shelyid, Most Unlike Himself, Cannot Sleep. The Next Morning, the Journey Continues. The Crest of the Mountains is Reached. Below Lies the Land of Pryggia, Upon Whose Northern Coast Lies the Less Distant Than Before City of Prygg Itself. Atop the Mountain, Our Heroes Encounter the Legendary Sage of the Mountains. He Summons Shelyid to His Cave. Shelyid Approaches the Entrance. From Within, Unseen in the Darkness, the Sage Whispers the Secret of Life. So Eager Is the Dwarf to Impart This Secret To His Master That In His Haste He Slips On the Rocks and Falls On His Head. Shelyid Cannot Remember the Secret of Life! The Wizard Is Most Displeased. He Rebukes the Dwarf Soundly, Indeed, Very Soundly, Indeed, Not To Put a Gloss On the Matter, Supremely Soundly—Alas, To No Avail. Our Heroes Begin Their Descent From the Mountains Into Pryggia. Along the Way They—
It was even at this moment that the lunatick Alfred CCLVII was seized and deported. A crash program to train his young successor was immediately set under way, but this youth, valiant though his efforts and great though his innate talents, was not deemed capable of taking the Pen of Pens in foreleg until the arrival of our heroes in Prygg itself.
To that narrative we will turn in due time, but first we will seek to supplement our knowledge of the preceding portion of our tale through the introduction of material hitherto most secret, obtained only, as I said before, by hidden methods which remain to this day the closely-guarded privilege of my clan.
PART X
In Which the Persons and Activities
of Our Heroes Come to the Attention of
Those Authorities Of Puissant and Mighty
Ozar Upon Whose Shoulders Rests the Grave and
High Task of Defending Ozarae And Its Interests
Against Subversion and Insurrection. Taken From the
Minutes of the Senate Committee Armed and Brevetted
to Investigate Odious Unconscionable Sedition,
Obtained by the Alfredae Through Means Which
Remain To This Day the Well-Hidden Secret
of Our Noble Clan of Chroniclers.
Minutes of the Monthly Session of the Ozarean Senate Committee Armed and Brevetted to Investigate Odious Unconscionable Sedition. Convened on the 28th day of October, Year of the Jackal. Chairman of the Committee: His Puissance the Senator Whelm, Imperial Republican Party. Meeting in Full and Open Session, All Members Present. His Puissance the Senator Whelm pounds his gavel.
Chairman Whelm: I hereby declare this session of the Committee open. All persons will come to order. Puissant colleagues, distinguished guests, this session of the Committee will concentrate its attention upon the nefarious activities and schemes of a newly discovered plotter against the well-being of Ozarae and its interests. (Murmurs in the chamber. Chairman Whelm raps his gavel.) Order! (Order is restored.) A new threat to our peace and prosperity has been brought to my attention. So grave did the menace posed by this heretofore unknown subversive seem to me, that I determined at once to bring the attention of the entire Committee to bear upon him. Let me begin my remarks by informing the Committee that the great and long-standing friend of the Imperial Republic of Ozar, King Roy of Goimr, is no longer of this world. (Great hubbub erupts in the chamber. Chairman Whelm raps his gavel.) Order! Order! (Order is restored.) Yes, sad to say, that peace-loving monarch, trusted friend of our nation, who was always ready to assist our commercial and industrial enterprises in their endeavors to uplift his backward country, has been most foully undone. He was driven to madness by the schemes of a sorcerer of his own capital, one Zulkeh of Goimr by name. But rather than tell the story myself, I would like to call to the stand one of our distinguished guests. (A man of easy grace leaves his place in the visitors' gallery and takes a seat at the witness table.) This gentleman, yclept Gerard, was formerly the Chief Counselor to the Throne of Goimr. Upon the King's descent into insanity, Gerard was one of the notables of the realm who took matters into their capable hands and established a new provisional government. May I introduce the new head of the state of Goimr, First Clerk Gerard. (Polite applause.)
First Clerk Gerard: Thank you. May I extend to the honorable Committee the greetings of the new provisional government of Goimr, of which I have the honor to be its First Clerk. Let me say here that the new government of Goimr intends to continue the enlightened policies of the former government with regard to cooperation with Ozar's legitimate interests. Indeed, we are determined to go further than the late lamented King in this respect. We are firmly determined to bring the now-Republic of Goimr fully into the modern world.
Senator Bourse: Senator Whelm, I would like the floor.
Chairman Whelm: The chair recognizes Senator Bourse, of the Imperial Democratic Party.
Senator Bourse: First Clerk Gerard, I would like to say that your initial remarks have been most gratifying. In these times of turmoil, we are naturally concerned upon hearing of the collapse of yet another government, especially one of such long-standing stability and servil—amity—with the legitimate needs and interests of the Imperial Republic of Ozar. In this regard, do I understand that the Kingdom of Goimr is now replaced by a Republic?
First Clerk Gerard: That is so, Senator.
Senator Bourse: I see. Naturally, I myself advocate the republican system. Indeed, I yield to none in the depths of my love, my adoration, for democracy. Yet—I must speak frankly—it is a fact, albeit regrettable, that the replacement of monarchies by republics has frequently been accompanied by great disorder and tumult. For all too often the lowlifes of a new Republic confuse freedom with license, especially as the economic dictate
s of modern society gain their full sway, unhampered by now-discarded feudal impediments.
First Clerk Gerard: Puissant senator, I believe that you need have no fears in this regard regarding the new provisional government of Goimr. To begin with, let me assure you that the ascension of the new government did not take place through disreputable riot and revolution, but through the most precisely legal and legitimate means. The King of Goimr having been determined an insane man, the Council of State declared him unfit for regnancy and placed him in an asylum, where, I regret to say, the poor man hanged himself in his sleep. We then examined his heirs, down through all collateral lines to three generations, both male and female, to find an heir who would satisfy the basic requirement of rulership according to the ancient laws of the Kingdom of Goimr. Regretfully, not one of them could satisfy this basic requirement.
Senator Bourse: And what is that requirement?
First Clerk Gerard: Being able to count your fingers.
Senator Bourse: Not one of them could count their fingers?
First Clerk Gerard: I'm afraid not. The Heir Apparent failed the examination completely. In fact, he dropped dead from the strain. We sought to test the other boys of the royal family, but the little rascals had all burned to death in the great fire which destroyed the royal palace because they were playing with matches. We had hopes for the distaff members of the family, but the clumsy girls had apparently cut off their fingers in a series of kitchen accidents just before the fire. An unfortunate coincidence, since it's possible that one of them might have been able to count her fingers, if they'd had any left. In fact, it seems certain that at least one of the princesses would have passed the test. For would you believe that, after we placed the girls in the care of the Abbess of the Convent of the Ladies in Peace, the clever little hoydens managed—even without fingers!—to hang themselves.
Senator Bourse: All of them?
First Clerk Gerard: Every last one. Distressed, no doubt, at the untimely death of their brothers. It was at that point that the Council decided we had no choice but to replace the kingdom with a new provisional government. At each step of the process, I should like to say, we consulted closely with the leaders of the Armed Forces and the Ecclesiarchy, as well, it goes without saying, as the Ozarean Consul and the Regional Vice-President of the Consortium. I might also mention that we were greatly assisted in this difficult time by the energetic efforts of your—ah—representative, Rupert Inkman.
Senator Bourse: Well, this is certainly encouraging. And what is the name of your new government?
First Clerk Gerard: Attila the Junta.
Senator Bourse: Most reassuring, most reassuring! I believe I speak for every member of the Committee here. (Cries of "Quite right" and "Hear, Hear!") Indeed, if I may—
Chairman Whelm: Pardon my interruption, esteemed colleague, but I would like to get on with the business at hand, which is the investigation of the knavish sorcerer Zulkeh. I believe that First Clerk Gerard has more than satisfied the Committee's concern regarding his reliability as a witness? (Cries of "Quite right!" and "Hear, hear!")
Senator Bourse: I stand corrected and yield the floor. Will the Puissant Chairman continue the investigation?
Senator Whelm: I thank the esteemed Senator from the Imperial Democratic Party. First Clerk Gerard, as I understand it, the unfortunate train of events which led to the demise of the Kingdom of Goimr was set in motion by this sorcerer, Zulkeh of Goimr?
First Clerk Gerard: Quite so, Honorable Chairman. The wizard Zulkeh was summoned to the palace at the request of the King, whose peace of mind had been disturbed by a ridiculous dream. I instructed this so-called wizard, in no uncertain terms, to quiet the King's fears. Instead this fiend, seeing in the King's unstable frame of mind a chance to strike a mortal blow at the tranquility of the Realm, chose to interpret the King's dream in such a way as to inflame His Majesty's morbid temperament to the point of madness.
Chairman Whelm: What did he say to the King?
First Clerk Gerard: The villain told the King that his dream foretold the utter and complete destruction of his kingdom, his palace, his dynasty and his Royal Person, this ruination to encompass the entire male line of the Royal Family down to three generations, and possibly—on this point the scoundrel feigned uncertainty—the entire female line as well. (Great hubbub fills the chamber. Cries of "O foul deed!" and "Damnable Treason!" Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel many times.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! Order! Order! (Order is restored.) I believe the Committee can now see for themselves the danger which this sorcerer presents. In one stroke, he overthrows the government of one of our most long-standing and reliable allies on the all-too-often unsettled sub-continent of Grotum. Nor was this the last—nor even the greatest!—crime committed by this demon in human flesh. Nay, esteemed colleagues, prepare yourselves for a long and weary session. For I assure you, we have only begun our investigation. Many witnesses are still to be called. But for the moment, I would like to extend my thanks, and that of the Committee, to our distinguished guest. First Clerk Gerard, I thank you again, and you may resume your seat in the gallery. (Vigorous applause fills the chamber. First Clerk Gerard takes his seat in the gallery.) And now I would like to call to the witness stand the esteemed Director of the Ozarean Republic's Commission to Repel Unbridled Disruption, the Angel Jimmy Jesus. (Vigorous applause fills the chamber. The Angel Jimmy Jesus takes his seat at the witness table.)
Chairman Whelm: For the official record—although it's hardly necessary in your case!—will the witness please identify himself?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Certainly. I am the Angel Jimmy Jesus, Director of——, assigned to all work involving——.
Chairman Whelm: Thank you. And will you now inform the Committee as to the nature of the work you have been co-coordinating for the past period?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus. Yes, sir. At the request of the Chairman of this Committee, and pursuant to all regulations governing the activities of the——, I have launched an investigation into the history of the individual known as——.
Senator Patellarasa: Puissant Chairman, may I have the floor?
Chairman Whelm: The floor is given to Senator Patellarasa of the Liberal Party (Hand-Wringing Faction).
Senator Patellarasa: The Angel Jimmy Jesus, I wish to assure myself that the suspect's right to privacy and freedom from inquisitory harassment were respected in the course of your investigation, as laid out in the Citizens' Privacy Code.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Senator Patellarasa, the investigation into the person of——was conducted at all times within the guidelines of the Citizens' Privacy Code, as well as, I might add, the specific regulations governing my organization, the——, even though, I might add, the subject is not actually a citizen of——. In proof of my assertion, I present the following documentation. (The Angel Jimmy Jesus hands a folder to the secretary of the Committee, who presents it to Chairman Whelm.)
Chairman Whelm: After examining the contents of this folder, I inform the Committee that it contains documentary proof that an anonymous message warning the suspect that he was under investigation by Ozarine authorities was scrawled on the underside of a manhole cover within a fifteen mile radius of the suspect's last known residence. I believe, and I am sure the Committee will concur, that this more than satisfies the provisions of the Citizens' Privacy Code.
Senator Patellarasa: One moment, please. I would like to know the exact content of the message.
Chairman Whelm: The message reads: "We're watching you." As this message clearly identifies both a subject and an object, as well as specifying the precise relationship between the two, I believe that it more than satisfies the Code. Senator Patellarasa, do you not agree?
Senator Patellarasa: Not entirely. I— (The chamber erupts in jeers and catcalls.)
Chairman Whelm, pounding his gavel: Order! Order! Order! (Order is restored.)
Senator Arbeitmachtfrei: Puissant Chairman! I demand the floor!
r /> Chairman Whelm: I recognize the Senator from the Sons of Ozar.
Senator Arbeitmachtfrei: I denounce this interference with the sword of justice! I denounce this attempt on the part of the Liberal Party (Hand-Wringing Faction) to handcuff the authorities! I denounce the Citizens' Privacy Code as a stain on the Ozarean spirit!
Senator Patellarasa: And for my part, I whine in protest at— (The chamber erupts with insults directed at Senator Patellarasa's ancestry and manhood.)
Chairman Whelm, pounding his gavel many times. Order! Order! Order! (Order is restored.) Senator Patellarasa, you are out of order! And let me say for the record that while the Senator from the Sons of Ozar at times advances his opinion in somewhat more rigorous terms than would most others—
Senator Arbeitmachtfrei: To the ovens! To the ovens!
Chairman Whelm:—that many of us, indeed, I will say most of us here, share his concern with the weight of pettifoggery and red tape which has come to overburden our finest investigatory agencies. With that in mind, let us proceed with the report of the Angel Jimmy Jesus. (Cries of "Quite right!" and "Hear, Hear!") The Angel Jimmy Jesus, you have the floor.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: The principal purpose of our investigation has been to establish the history of the——, with particular regard to any of his associations with——. I am pleased to say that our investigation has turned up much information. This information, as will become apparent, fully justifies the great concern which the Committee and my own organization the——has taken in the activities of the——. As the Committee has already heard the testimony of——, which recounts the criminal actions of——in the city of——, I would like to concentrate my testimony on the actions of——following his escape from justice in the city which I have not mentioned.
Chairman Whelm: Certainly, certainly.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Thank you, sir. As will become clear, the suspect——has in a short time compiled a truly impressive record of criminal wrongdoing. Indeed, both my own organization, the——, as well as such other investigatory agencies as———,———,——, and——have been hot on the trail of the miscreant and his confederates—