CHAPTER IX.
A Practical Joke.
Mr. Keys, who began to be really afraid that the plan he had adopted forassisting his green messmate to "learn by experience" was about torebound with redoubled force on his own head, was found by the orderlyin earnest conversation with Frank, to whom he always went for advice.
"It's getting hot, Nelson," said he. "What shall I do? I'm in for myshare of the rations this time, sure."
"Make a clean breast of it," replied Frank. "You will only get yourselfin trouble if you do not, for the captain knows exactly how the matterstands."
The mate had already determined to make a full confession; but,nevertheless, his feelings, as he entered the cabin, were not of themost pleasant nature. His reception, however, was far different fromwhat he had expected. The captain, as we have seen, was one of the mostreasonable men in the world, if approached in the proper manner, and ifhe saw that an officer endeavored to do his duty, he was very patientwith him; if he found that a reprimand was necessary, it wasadministered in the most friendly manner; but if he once took it intohis head that an officer had willfully, or through negligence, omitted aportion of his duty, then, as the ship's company used to remark, it was"stand from under." Mr. Keys was a great favorite with the captain, ashe was with all his brother officers, who admired his dashing style andhis good-natured disposition. He was never idle, but was always hurryingabout the ship, as if the well-being of every person on board dependedupon himself, and, as a consequence, his duty was always done, and thedeck of which he had charge was kept in the nicest order.
As he entered the cabin the captain greeted him with a smile. Pointingto a chair, he inquired, as he commenced turning over the leaves of thememorandum-book:
"Mr. Keys, is this some of your work?"
"Yes, sir," answered the mate.
"Well, what in the world possessed you to hoodwink Mr. French in thismanner?"
"Because, sir, he has often informed me, when I have undertaken toinstruct him, that he wishes to learn every thing by experience, sir. Ihave been assisting him."
"Do you think he has improved any with your help?"
"Yes, sir; he has learned that his authority in the mess-room is notequal to that of the caterer."
"Well, I thought you had a hand in that affair," said the captain, "andnow I wish to give you a piece of advice. I, myself, have often been insuch scrapes as this, and have been brought up with a round turn. Thisreminds me of a little incident that happened while I was a midshipmanon the Colorado. The story has grown old by this time, but it will beconsidered a good one as long as the navy shall exist. There were eightof us in the mess, and while we were lying at the navy-yard we hadnothing to do but to play tricks upon each other, and upon every one whocame in our way. Our ship was commanded by a commodore who neverbothered his head about us so long as we remained within bounds. As isalways the case, we abused our privileges, grow's bolder by degrees,until finally the commodore taught us a lesson that we never forgot.
"One pleasant afternoon, as we were lounging about the decks, waitingfor something to turn up, we saw a green-looking specimen of humanitycome over the side, and, in an instant, were on the alert. He, probably,had never been on board of a man-o'-war before, for he stared with openmouth at every thing he saw. Here was a chance for us, and as soon asthe officer of the deck had walked aft, out of sight, we collared thecountryman, and led him back to our mess-room.
"'By gum, but you have got every thing nice here,' said he. 'I'd likethis better than workin' on a farm.'
"'Ah, you ought to go up in the commodore's cabin if you want to seesomething nice,' said a midshipman, who was our leader in all sorts ofmischief. 'But, look here, my friend, if you wish to remain with us, youmust have on a uniform. No civilians are allowed to stay here.'
"We all took this as a hint, and commenced rigging the Yankee out inour clothes. One furnished him with a coat, another a pair of pants,another a cap, and I gave him a sword that had just been presented tome.
"'Now,' said our leader, 'do you want a good dinner--one of the verybest?'
"'Sartin,' replied the countryman. 'Got any?'
"'No; but the commodore has, and it is just about his dinner time.'
"We then explained to him that he must go up to the cabin and tell thecommodore that he had just been ordered to the ship; and, in accordancewith his usual custom, the old gentleman would be certain to invite himto dinner.
"'He is very cross sometimes,' said we, 'but don't be at all afraid ofhim--he doesn't mean any thing. Talk to him as though he was yourfather.'
"'By gum, I kin do that,' said the Yankee, and off he walked, while wetook up a position where we could hear and see all that passed.
"The commodore was seated at his desk, writing, and the countryman atonce walked up to him, slapped him familiarly on the shoulder, andshouted:
"'Hullo, ole hoss! how de do? Shake hands with a feller, won't ye?'
"The commodore looked up in surprise, and ejaculated:
"'Eh! What do you want here? Get out of this. Away you go.'
"'O no, ole hoss, not by a long shot,' replied the Yankee, coollyseating himself in the nearest chair. 'Them ar young fellers down stairstold me to come up here and git some dinner; and, by gravy, I ain'tgoin' till I git it; so fetch it on.'
"Of course, it was as plain as daylight to the commodore that we were atthe bottom of the whole affair, for the countryman never would have hadthe audacity to act in such a manner, unless some one had put him up toit, and he determined to punish us in a manner that we had not thoughtof.
"'Look here, my man,' said he, 'do you see that soldier out there?'pointing to a marine that was pacing back and forth before the gangway.'Well, he has got a loaded musket, and unless you get off this shipinstantly, he will shoot you. Now, away you go, you land-lubber, anddon't stop to talk to any body.'
"We saw our victim moving off, and were convulsed with laughter at whatwe considered to be the best joke we had ever perpetrated. We supposed,of course, that he would return with our clothes, but you can imagineour astonishment when we saw him walk down the gang-plank and out on tothe wharf. We held a hurried consultation, and then I started for thecabin, and, making my best bow, asked permission to step ashore for amoment.
"'No, sir,' replied the commodore; 'no shore liberty is to be grantedto-day.'
"In short, we all lost our clothing--every thing that we had loaned thecountryman--and a more crest-fallen set of midshipmen one never saw. Weendeavored to keep the affair a secret, but the commodore told it to thefirst lieutenant, and from him it soon spread, until the entire ship'scompany were acquainted with the particulars. We were very careful afterthat, and never undertook to play any more jokes on the commodore. Thereare many things objectionable in this custom--for I can call it nothingelse--which is so general among young officers, of playing off tricksupon each other; and your jokes are getting a little too practical. Ifyou must indulge in them, I wish you would endeavor to keep them out ofthe cabin, for I don't like to be bothered. That will do, sir."
Mr. Keys retired, highly pleased with the result of his interview withthe captain, and went straight to Frank, to whom he related every thing,and showed him the sham "regulation" in his memorandum-book, which hadbeen the cause of so much merriment.
Mr. French was soon afterward seen to emerge from the cabin, where hehad listened to a lengthy lecture, containing advice which, if followed,would in future prevent all difficulty. Of course, all the officers weresoon made acquainted with the affair, and many were the inquiries, inMr. French's hearing, as to what kind of an apology the captain hadmade. It is needless to say that he was fully convinced that "experienceis a hard taskmaster," and that it is well enough, especially onshipboard, to take advice.
A few days after the events which we have just been relating transpired,the Ticonderoga arrived at Yazoo River. In obedience to his orders,Frank reported on board the flag-ship. Owing to a press of business, itwas nearly a week before the c
ourt of inquiry was convened. Scarcely anhour was passed in the examination of the witnesses, during which timethe main facts of the case were developed, Frank completely vindicated,and Mr. Howe, who had reported him, was sent on board of ship indisgrace. The same evening the former received his promotion as actingensign, accompanied by orders to report on board of the Trenton forduty.
"I am very glad, for your sake, Mr. Nelson," said the captain, "to beable to give you this promotion, but very sorry for my own. I regretexceedingly that you are detached from this vessel, but it is somethingover which I have no control. I am perfectly satisfied with your conductsince you have been with me. If you will attend to your duties in futureas well as you have since you have been here, I will answer for yourrapid advancement."