Mary smiles.
‘I came to thank you; for your gift.’
*
Chapter 35
‘Fiona!’
The shout brings me back into the real world.
Not again! I don’t want Jackie having a go at me again!
I whirl around, this time prepared to let her know I’ve had it with her following me around. Had it with her telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing.
But it isn’t Jackie; it’s Jase.
He’s sprinting across the grass towards me.
‘Where’ve you been?’ he cries out. ‘I’d thought you’d left!’
I quickly look about me, wondering if I can get away; but no, I can’t. I’ve chosen a spot where no one passes, haven’t I? And no one passes here because the bushes and trees almost completely encircle you, leaving just one entrance and exit.
‘I asked about you at your school!’ Jase exclaims breathlessly as he draws up in front of me, obviously unperturbed by the fact I’ve hardly looked his way yet, let alone spoken. ‘But everyone I’d asked hadn’t heard of you!’
He chuckles, like he thinks he was just unlucky that he’d chosen to ask people who didn’t know me.
‘Yeah, it’s a pretty big school,’ I say at last, realising I’m going to have to talk my way out of this.
At least, I hope it’s a big school; I’ve no idea which school Fiona was supposed to be attending.
‘Not everyone knows everyone in a place that size,’ I add.
Yeah, sure; trust me, no matter its size, everyone would know someone like Fiona.
Still, he buys it; it’s a good excuse for him to accept that he wasn’t making a complete idiot of himself asking after a girl who’s dumped him.
He reaches out for me, like he’s kidding himself it’s all just been a dreadful mistake – I’d gone away on a long holiday, forgetting to tell him, or I’d ended up in a hospital for a while, something like that – and now I’m back.
I deftly step back, his arms closing in on the empty space where I’d been standing only a split second before.
‘But you’re with Cath now, Jase,’ I say, offering him an explanation for my behaviour.
Then I realise – knowing Cath by name, it makes me sound like I’ve been keeping an envious eye on him, checking out what he’s up to.
‘Cath Gregson, or somebody, isn’t it?’ I quickly add, deliberately getting her name wrong.
‘Goodslin,’ he corrects me, saying it with all the brightness of someone who thinks they’re helping you out by pointing out your mistake. ‘But so what, Fi? That didn’t stop you when I was going out with Jill!’
Can you believe this guy?
And I used to think he was oh so wonderful!
I used to trust him! Cath still trusts him!
He’s lower than a snake!
‘But this is different.’
I manage to blurt it out without furiously lashing out at him, which is what I really want to do.
‘Different? What’s different?’ he asks, looking a little bewildered by my indifference towards him.
‘It’s different; that’s all!’ I repeat, unable to explain any further.
It’s more different, of course, than he could ever possibly realise.
‘They’re nobodies to me, you know that!’ he insists with a heartless guffaw. ‘Just a few silly girls I’m playing around with; you’re the one I really want, Fi!’
Once again, he reaches out for me. Once again I neatly step back.
I can see it in his eyes; he can’t help it.
Bewitched. Charmed. Enchanted. Use whatever word you want, but he’s as besotted as if he’s under the influence of history’s most powerful love potion.
It’s the same helpless desire I saw in Joshua’s eyes. It’s consuming him. He can’t resist Fiona, no matter what she says to him. She could insult him, belittle him, but he’d simply tell himself that she still loved him. He can’t face life if he can’t believe the lies he’s telling himself.
Perhaps I should use Fiona’s power over him after all, if only to finally destroy any last lingering hope that there’s any future between him and her.
How, I’m not sure. But if I can achieve it, then perhaps there is a chance of a future between him and Cath.
Is that what Freak wants? Does he want a final break between Fiona and Jase?
‘Jase!’
I can’t believe it! Another yell!
This time, both Jase and I whirl around to see who’s crying out.
It’s Cath.
Wide eyed. Tearful. Shocked.
‘How could you?’ she wails. ‘And with her again!’
She doesn’t wait for an answer.
She turns and runs.
*
‘Cath!’ I cry out, setting off to run after her.
Jase grabs my arm, pulls me back.
‘What’s wrong with you, Fiona?’ he asks, obviously puzzled by my concern for Cath.
Thing is, it won’t just look odd to him; Cath would also wonder why Fiona’s chasing her. She wouldn’t think I was trying to help her.
I shrug off Jase’s hand.
‘She’s hurt,’ I say. ‘Because she’s seen us together.’
Again, Jase gives me that puzzled look.
‘So? Besides, it’s not your fault, or mine. When I’d asked her to meet here, I wasn’t expecting you to be around.’
‘Here? Why here? We never used to meet here!’
I thought I was the only one who knew of this secluded place. When I was going out with Jase, I never came here with him.
Jase looks more mystified than ever.
‘Fiona; what’s wrong with you? We used to come here all the time!’
‘You arranged to meet Cath where you always used to meet Fi – where we used to meet? How cruel could you be, Jase?’
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ he insists, completely misreading my furious accusation. ‘I just sort of hoped you might still be around, might even catch me and Cath together and be a little jealous; and let’s face it, it’s worked hasn’t it?’
He grins like he thinks he’s got the kind of smile that would make you forgive him for anything. And yep, at one time, I did think that about Jase.
‘No it hasn’t worked, Jase!’ I storm, not wanting to go along with this any longer.
He reaches out for me, his smirk clearly telling me that he thinks I’m just a little upset, and playing hard to get to punish him just a little bit more.
I push him off.
‘It’s over between us, Jase! Can’t you understand that? Just go away; I don’t want to see you ever again!’
And this time, I’m the one who turns and runs.
*
Chapter 36
‘Well, how’d it go?’ Freak asks, greeting me with a wide grin when I return to his shop.
I grumpily sweep past him, heading as quickly as I can for the back room.
‘Oh just great, just great,’ I mumble irritably. ‘If you think it’s just great to break your best friend’s heart!’
At least Freak has the decency to look both a little perplexed and concerned.
‘Cath? How did you manage that?’
‘Oh, much much easier than you’d think possible!’ I unfairly snap back at him as he follows me through into the back.
‘Look, Jill, no matter what’s happened, I’m sure you’ll be able to sort something out with her when you meet up with her again. Let me guess; Jase saw you out, and he’s still, shall we say, a little enamoured with Fiona, yes?’
‘That’s putting it mildly,’ I grumble as the freaks descend on me and start helping me out of what I’ve quite quickly come to regard
as a garment. ‘And Cath saw us together too, didn’t she?’
The garment slips off easily. I’d needed far less stitching than I’d required for my previous outing as Fiona, having realised that you can use the blending of your own skin to the garment to create your own secure binding.
Freak had been impressed by the swift advancement of my abilities, saying that I should soon find it possible to wear his creations without any help from stitching or his assistants.
At the moment, though, he’s far from impressed with me.
‘Tut tut!’
He shakes his head, like I might be responsible for only a minor misdemeanour, but it’s all down to my incredible foolishness.
‘You should have known what Jase’s reaction would be if he saw you out. Personally, I don’t think it’s the disaster you seem to think it is; but you were the one who didn’t want there to be any contact between you!’
‘And in what way isn’t it a disaster?’
Fiona is back on her mannequin. I’m just about back in my own clothes.
‘Because I’m sure you let him know you – or rather Fiona – wasn’t interested, right?’
Freak stares at me quizzically. I nod.
‘And as for Cath; all she needs is another boost to her confidence,’ he continues. ‘Which is where you, Jill, can help out, right? Because that’s precisely what your gloves are for!’
*
Cath’s waiting outside my house when I get back, nervously wringing her hands, eye makeup running in black streaks down her face. Her hair’s completely bedraggled, like she’s been tearing at it in anguish.
From a distance, I’d mistaken her for Jackie.
Cath looking like a total freak; we both thought we’d never see the day.
‘Where’ve you been?’ she screams accusingly as she urgently rushes towards me. ‘I’ve been waiting ages, ages! The gloves, I need the gloves!’
She’s almost clawing at me in desperation.
I recognise the state she’s in; I was exactly the same, when Jase betrayed me. Then I was the one begging Jackie to let me use the gloves. And when Jackie finally relented and let me wear them, what happened? Why, I became suicidal of course.
I know Freak thinks I should let Cath wear them again. But he’s not here to see how badly she’s been affected by what seems to be Fiona’s return.
But, of course, Fiona hasn’t returned at all. So surely the best thing to do is simply wait a while and let things calm down.
When it dawns on Jase that Fiona’s not going to have him back, he’ll come crawling back to Cath, won’t he?
‘Cath, I really don’t think you should–’
‘What have you done to your hair?’ she snaps suspiciously, staring at me in amazement. ‘And I’ve noticed your eyebrows before; you’ve had work on them too!’
‘Cath, I don’t see what–’
‘Oh, don’t you? Well let me tell you what I see! I see someone who’s been pretending to be my friend, supposedly helping me get off with her ex-boyfriend. But all the time you’ve been seething with jealously, haven’t you?’
‘That’s not true! I was hurt a little, sometimes, yeah, but–’
‘Yeah! I thought so!’ She pushes me in the chest. ‘I saw the looks you were giving us when we were together! And all the time, you’ve been prettying yourself up just so–’
‘Cath! It isn’t me that’s gone out with him, is it? It’s Fiona, right?’
She glares at me, now more suspicious of me than ever.
‘And how do you just happen to know that, eh?’
‘Well, I, you know, I…’
‘No, I don’t know, Jill!’
‘With you being here, so upset, I mean,’ I answer lamely. ‘I know what he’s like, remember?’ I quickly add, seeing it as a possible lifeline to help me regain Cath’s trust. ‘He did it to me too, didn’t he?’
‘So now you’re saying you set me up with a boy you knew couldn’t be trusted?’
Oh damn. She’s not going to let this one go, is she? I have to calm things down quickly.
‘Cath, how was I supposed to know Fiona would show up again? I saw her, if you must know; that’s how I knew she was back.’
Okay, so it’s a lie. But just what else am I supposed to do? She’s still irately glaring at me, her hands on her hips like she’s not accepting my excuses.
I’ve no longer got any choice. I’ll just have to let her have what she wants.
‘But look, Cath, if you’re sure that’s what you want – then of course you can try on the gloves again! Just – just be careful with them, all right?’
*
Chapter 37
Cath isn’t the slightest bit careful with the gloves when I hand them to her.
She slips them on much like I’d expect a frenzied addict to dive into a fresh, long-awaited supply of pills. She’s shaking at first then, as the gloves begin to take effect, she relaxes, sighs blissfully.
I’m keeping a close eye on her, watching out for any reactions she makes that might indicate she’s tapping into Hezzy’s more unfortunate suicidal tendencies.
Then again, with any luck, I could be worrying over nothing of course. No one’s supposed to be able to access Hezzy’s full range of experiences, of course. Least of all the period when she decided to end it all.
How many gloves would NonPareil sell if just anyone could experience her suicide, right?
Cath’s whimpering, smiling.
Ecstasy? Distress?
I really can’t be sure.
Even when she looks weirdly unhappy – I say weirdly because she frowns while grinning, or stares wide-eyed and blankly while gawping in what could be horror – I can’t tell if that’s all down to her own highly emotional state, or something to do with Hezzy’s life.
Finally, an exhausted Cath slips off the gloves without a word. She smiles knowingly as she drapes them over the edge of their box.
‘Was everything all right?’ I ask, trying to somehow use my eyes to let her know she can tell me about anything unusual or bad she experienced.
But does that ever work? It doesn’t this time, that’s for sure.
She doesn’t offer me any thanks as she leaves.
‘Cath, take care!’ I cry out after her as she heads off down my garden path.
‘Don’t go doing anything stupid, right?’ I add stupidly.
*
In the morning, I sit down at my dresser to apply a little bit of makeup.
But you know what? I don’t need it.
I look absolutely wonderful. More amazing, in fact, than I’ve ever looked.
Obviously, whatever I did last night, it’s pleased Freak.
Yet I’m not the slightest bit pleased with myself. I’m worried for Cath. And worried that I’m responsible for what she’s going through, what she’s suffering.
I need Freak’s advice on how I can be sure I’m helping her rather than making things worse.
Besides, I’d like to learn a little more about Mary. Only this time, I’m going to have to make sure I’m not going anywhere where Jase might accidently come across me once again.
Trouble is, I’m not even half way up my street when Jackie pounces.
I seem to have people waiting around for me these days no matter where I am, or whom I’m dressed as.
Jackie’s still hiding her face beneath a heavy hood. As it’s a sunny day, the hood makes her look bizarre anyway.
Then again, when I catch a glimpse of her face in the shadows of the hood, I have to admit she’d look even weirder if she revealed what she now looks like. I catch what could either be a smile or the grimace of a partially revealed skull.
Yeah, she’s that bad. Like some sort of li
ving dead character.
‘Good to see you’re looking so incredibly beautiful, Jill!’ she sneers, finishing with a hoarse, guttural laugh as if she’s struggling for breath.
‘Hah don’t look at me like that, Jill!’ She chuckles hoarsely again. ‘I can read your face like it’s a book, dear; that disgust, like you think I’m being sarcastic!’
‘And aren’t you, Jackie? If it’s any consolation to you, I forgive you for everything you’ve done to me.’
It’s true – I do forgive her. Last night, I saw for myself how easy it is to unintentionally hurt a friend.
Sure, Jackie went a few steps too far, as she deliberately stole Jase off me. But I’ve seen how Jase, how Joshua, were almost literally bewitched by Mary’s incredible beauty.
How was Jackie supposed to resist the chance to be suddenly so ridiculously attractive again, especially after suffering being a freak for so long?
‘Forgive me? That’s so big of you, Jill!’ she sniggers.
As I’ve said before, Jackie seems to have this incredible talent for winding you up no matter how understanding you’re trying to be.
‘The only forgiveness I need is Freak’s, thanks!’ she continues with another aggressive sneer. ‘And that’s why I’m pleased for you, and the way you’re looking now. Because it means you’ve got to be doing what he wants; which also means it’s just got to be a matter of time before I begin to get my own looks back, right?’
There’s a touch of doubt to her last comment, like she’s nowhere near as confident as she’s trying to make out.
‘He’s angry, I think, because you made me suicidal. But I’ve seen for myself how easy it is to upset a friend who–’
She’s laughing.
‘You still don’t get it, do you, little Miss Goodie-Two-Shoes? How do you think he gets all that wonderful haute couture of his – all amazingly gorgeous, all ingrained with the most wonderfully emotional experiences? Oh, he’s so grateful for all those silly little beauties who have their dream of the cosy cottage and the two kiddies suddenly snatched away from them!’
‘That’s ridiculous! Freak saved me, remember? And I saw him try to save Hezzy!’
‘Hah, only because he was worried the car crash wasn’t going to leave him anything salvageable! And after all his hard work driving her to the edge of suicide too! The gloves, you idiot; they’re all from suicidal girls. That’s how they work, how they manage to retain all that high emotion – how, eventually, they’ll subtly persuade anyone who’s constantly wearing them that suicide’s the only answer! Brilliant, really; a self-replicating business model!’
‘He saved me!’ I persist uncertainly, try to grasp at any fact I can to persuade myself that Jackie’s lying again.
This time Jackie’s laugh is bitter, mocking. She steps back a little, indicating the way I look with a graceful sweep of her hands.