“Not as much as she hates me,” Jack countered.
Madison didn’t want to play the who-will-Alice-hate-more game. Jack had no idea why Alice was so upset. “You don’t understand,” Madison said.
“I do. She told me everything.”
Madison doubted it. “Oh, really?”
“Yeah, really,” Jack sneered. “She told me she’s had feelings for me from the moment we met, and that she only ever told you and Haley. She said now it all felt like a bad joke. That we were having a laugh behind her back, or something.”
It was worse than Madison thought. “Oh, no.”
“I tried to tell her what happened with us meant nothing.” Jack raised his hands defensively. “No offense.”
Madison was well past the point of being stung by this comment. Their night together had meant nothing to her, either. Alice needed to understand that. As her mind raced to find ways to make Alice see the truth, Jack’s last words penetrated her worried haze. Madison studied him. “Alice told you she was in love with you, and all you said was our night together was meaningless?”
“I didn’t have time to tell her much else before she ran away. Any idea where she could be?”
“Maybe.” Madison started pacing the room, thinking aloud. “There are a couple of places she could’ve gone to cool her head.”
“Come on, give me directions so I can get going.”
“No.” Madison stepped back. “I need to explain everything to her first. Alice needs to be ready to listen to whatever you have to say.”
“Madison.” Jack’s tone was low and his jaw tense. “I should speak to her first.”
“Why? Because you did such a great job in the last conversation?”
“I don’t need your permission,” he snapped.
“No, but you need hers.”
“Damn it!” Jack turned and punched the closest wall.
Madison jumped back, staring wide-eyed at the small dent Jack’s fist had left in the drywall.
He wasn’t moving now. He had his arms braced on the wall next to the dent, his shoulders heaving with forced breaths, and his head dropping low.
“Jack,” Madison said. “Alice will need time before she’s ready to talk to you.”
He turned bloodshot eyes on her. “And what’s different about you?”
“It’s not the same.”
“Why?”
“Because she isn’t in love with me!”
Jack’s jaw sagged. He closed and opened his mouth twice to retort, but nothing came out.
“You’d better go.” Madison opened the apartment door and pushed a shocked-into-silence Jack out. “I’ll ask Alice to call you, but you need to give her some space.”
Jack didn’t speak. With a dejected air, he turned on his heel and jogged down the hall. He would probably keep searching for Alice, but that wasn’t Madison’s concern right now. She shut the door and started pacing again. What next? She needed to find Alice and explain.
A minute later the door opened again and Haley shuffled into the house.
“Was that Jack I met in the hall?” Haley removed her jacket and hung it in the closet. “What was he doing here?”
Madison didn’t answer. What would Haley think of her?
Haley gasped. “Is that a hole in my wall?”
A sob escaped Madison’s lips.
“Mad, are you okay?” Haley dashed toward her. “Are you crying?”
Madison couldn’t keep it together any longer; she hugged Haley and started crying. “It’s bad, Haley, so bad,” Madison wailed. “She will never forgive me.”
“Who? Who has to forgive you, and why?” Haley pushed back to look at her. “Please sit down and tell me everything.” Madison let Haley drag her to the couch. “What’s going on?” Haley demanded.
Madison looked up at her friend and made her confession. “I slept with Jack.”
“What?” Haley let go of her hands as if she was infected. “Now? How could you?”
“No, not now.” Madison dropped her head into her hands. “Years ago, when we were freshmen. I didn’t know you or Alice back then. I had no idea she liked him. But I never told her.”
“Okay.” Haley seemed to calm down. “Not as bad. So what was Jack doing here?”
“He told Alice.” Madison straightened up and sobbed out the rest. “Apparently, Alice snapped and told him she was in love with him, that it was all a bad joke because I was one of the two people who knew and I never said anything.”
“Mmm, I see why that could be a problem.” Haley slumped back on the couch, pressing her palms to her eyes as if that could help her think.
The silence was unnerving. “Do you hate me?” Madison asked.
Haley lowered her hands and straightened up. “Of course not. You made a mistake is all.”
“Thank you.” Haley’s understanding meant the world. “What do I do now?”
“Find Alice and talk to her.” Haley made a huffing sound. “Where do we start?”
“I think she’s on the roof. She always goes there when she’s upset.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
“See, you’re a much better friend than I am.”
“I’m sure Alice doesn’t feel that way right now.” Madison shook her head. “You want to come up with me?”
“Why?” Haley didn’t sound keen. “Isn’t it better if you talk alone?”
“I need you there to give an impartial, non-emotionally-involved perspective. And just in case she tries to throw me over the railing.”
Haley sighed and stood up. “Let’s go.”
Thirty-five
Alice
Alice leaned on the railing of her building’s rooftop, staring at the Charles River and the Boston skyline in the distance. She wasn’t really taking in the view; her mind was blank. All she could feel was the wind brushing against her face and pushing her tears backward. Mid-Spring and the late afternoon air was still cold in Cambridge.
Alice heard the rooftop’s heavy metal door open and close. She didn’t turn to look, but she was sure Madison had just walked outside. Her dear friend must have had another behind-her-back chat with Jack.
Still not turning, Alice said, “Go away. I don’t want to see you.”
“Alice, please, just hear me out,” Madison pleaded.
Alice turned to face her ex-best friend and was surprised to find Haley standing beside Madison. She directed her fury at Haley first. “Did you know?”
Haley paled at the harshness of her tone. “No, I didn’t. I swear.”
Alice relaxed a little; at least she had one loyal friend who hadn’t lied to her every day for the past two years. Haley approached her, and they hugged.
“I think you should hear Mad out,” Haley whispered in her ear.
Alice pushed Haley back. “I don’t care what she has to say.”
“Alice, it meant nothing,” Madison said.
“If I hear anybody else saying it meant nothing, I’m going to scream. People don’t hide meaningless things; they hide the important stuff.”
“But it wasn’t important.”
Alice narrowed her eyes. “So why keep it a secret?”
“I was scared you wouldn’t want to be my friend any longer.” Madison looked haggard: her face was red, blotchy, and covered in tears. The wind blowing against her made her appearance all the more tragic by giving her a halo of golden locks. But Alice wasn’t about to be mollified by the act. “You’d just told me how deeply in love you were with Jack, and I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. And after I didn’t say anything that first time, it became harder and harder to tell you.”
Excuses. These were all empty excuses. “Well, guess what? Now we’re no longer friends. So there you go. Good job.”
“Please don’t say that.” Madison sounded desperate.
“Alice,” Haley said soothingly. “Maybe you should try to calm down.”
> “Why? She’s a liar. She lied to you too, you know.”
“To me?” Haley took a surprised step backward. “About what?”
“Alice, don’t,” Madison whimpered.
“She’ll be after your boyfriend next.” Alice knew she was being mean, but right now all she wanted was to hurt Madison as much as she’d hurt her.
“Scott?” Haley asked, moving her gaze back and forth from Alice to Madison. “What about Scott?”
“She likes him,” Alice said.
Haley set her gaze on Madison. “Do you?”
“Yeah, I do. I did.” Madison was becoming frantic. She was crying so hard she had trouble speaking. “But I would never try anything with your boyfriend, you have to know that. She’s just being mean right now.”
“How long have you liked him?” Haley asked. She didn’t sound as mad as Alice had hoped.
“Forever,” Madison confessed. “I told you he was in my English classes.”
“So why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because it doesn’t matter!” Madison screamed. “It never matters. Scott doesn’t want me. He never even noticed me before you started dating him. Guys never like me; they always like you or you.” Madison pointed at them each in turn. “Never me. So what was the point?”
“The point is being honest with your friends!” Alice yelled back.
Madison ignored Alice. “Haley, I never tried anything with Scott, and I never would. I’m with David.”
Alice scoffed. “Yeah, about David—”
“Alice, shut up!” Haley froze her with a stare.
Alice’s heart skipped a beat; she’d almost hurt Madison in such a way she’d never be able to take it back. But Madison wasn’t stupid, and the withering look on Haley’s face was too much of a giveaway.
“David what?” Madison asked.
Alice shrugged. “Nothing.” She looked away, ashamed for what she’d almost said.
Haley kept silent.
“Who’s keeping secrets now?” Madison asked.
No one replied.
“Fine!” Madison shouted. “You want to hate me for something that happened before I even knew you? Go ahead. Take the moral high ground because both of you are always so perfect. I’m out of here.” Madison ran back to the door and disappeared down the stairs.
“That went well,” Haley said, slapping her hands on the sides of her thighs. “Does she really like Scott? She told you?”
“She didn’t have to, Haley.” Alice rolled her eyes. “To anyone looking, it was pretty obvious from the first basketball game we watched.”
Haley shook her head. “I never knew.”
“I know. Subtle intuition isn’t really your thing.”
Alice walked back to the railing, and Haley followed her. “Is that a nice way to say I have my head stuck too high up my rear end?”
Alice chuckled coldly. “Let’s say you’re not the most observant person.”
“Is that why she’s sleeping with David?” Haley groaned. “That makes it even worse.”
“I’ve no idea how her mind works. Believe me, I don’t.”
Haley kept quiet for a minute before saying, “Alice, what you were about to say—”
Alice didn’t let her finish. “You don’t have to tell me. Thank you for stopping me. I’m so mad, and I just wanted to hurt her…”
Haley sighed. “I get that she wasn’t one-hundred percent honest, but—”
“It’s Jack, Haley. Madison had sex with him.” Alice kept imagining them together.
“Is the problem that she slept with him, or that she didn’t tell you?”
“Both.” Alice focused on the glistening water of the distant river, trying to let her eyes see only what was in front of her and not what her mind kept picturing. “I can’t stand to look at her.”
“Can you really blame her for not coming clean before?”
Alice turned to face Haley. “Why are you on her side?”
“I’m not,” Haley hurried to say. “But can’t you see she had a reason to be scared to tell you? Alice, your gut reaction is to hate her, and it would’ve been the same two years ago. Only now, you have a solid friendship that can take the hit. You didn’t back then.” Haley paused, most likely to give Alice time to process what she’d just said. “Can you honestly tell me it wouldn’t have changed anything? She made a mistake because she was scared to lose you. Can’t you forgive her?”
Alice shook her head. Madison was only half the coin of her emotional turmoil.
“What is it, Alice?” Haley insisted.
“I told him I loved him.” Alice couldn’t even say his name. “There’s no taking it back this time.”
“And how did he react? Did he say anything?”
“I can’t remember.” Alice wiped a tear from her cheek. “Something about Madison not being important. I’ll have to change schools. I can’t go here and see him every day for the next school year.”
“That’s a bit melodramatic.” Haley waved a hand dismissively. “And finals are over, so you don’t have to see Jack for the entire summer if you don’t want to. But you can’t ignore Madison.”
“Aren’t you mad at her?” Alice asked.
“About Scott? Why would I be?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” Alice insisted.
“Can’t you see that not telling me she liked Scott was the most selfless thing to do?”
“How?”
“She could’ve called dibs on Scott,” Haley explained. “But instead of having the ‘I will have him or no one will’ attitude, she let me date him. And I think she didn’t want me to know about her feelings for him so that I wouldn’t feel guilty about being with him.”
“You make her sound like a saint,” Alice said, resentful.
“What do you think was her motive? And why didn’t you tell me?”
Alice had no other explanation for Haley’s first question, so she ignored it and answered the second one. “It wasn’t my secret to tell.”
Haley crossed her arms and stared her down. “So there are secrets it’s okay to keep, and others that are not?”
Alice hated when Haley was right. “I hate your cold logic.”
“Do you hate Madison too?”
“No, not really,” Alice admitted.
“Then you should let her off the hook.” Haley walked away and beckoned Alice to follow. “Let’s go downstairs so we can all talk without freezing our asses off.”
***
When they entered Madison’s room, it looked as if her wardrobe had vomited all her clothes on her bed. She had two suitcases open on the floor and she was scurrying between them and the bed, throwing in things at random.
Alice kept closer to the threshold, but Haley barged in, asking, “What are you doing?”
“I’m moving out,” Madison said while she walked up and down, hauling clothes. “I’ll stay at my parents’ house, be out of your hair for good.”
“Madison, stop!” Haley placed herself between the bed and the suitcases. “We don’t want you to go.”
Madison stopped and looked at Haley. “Aren’t you mad at me?”
“No, of course not.”
Madison popped her hip and propped a hand on her waist. “How come you don’t care that I used to drool over your boyfriend?”
“For one,” Haley said, “I know you never tried anything with him and never would. And I’m glad you allowed me to date him guilt-free.”
Madison’s lips parted in an astonished O-shape.
Alice followed the exchange, knowing it was her turn to absolve Madison next. As if on cue, Madison peeked at her over Haley’s shoulder, her eyes still wide with fear.
“I don’t want you to move out either,” Alice said.
Madison went limp and collapsed to the floor. She landed in a sort of butterfly yoga pose and started ugly-crying again. “I’m sorry,” she kept repeating between sobs. “I’m so so
rry…”
She wasn’t faking her pain. Something in Alice shifted; she sat on the floor next to her friend and hugged her. “I know,” she said, stroking Madison’s hair.
They did a Ping-Pong of respective apologies and half-choked sobs until Haley interrupted them. “Enough!” Haley was never one to dwell on sorrow. “This mess is not going to clean itself.” She pointed at the cemetery of discarded clothes surrounding them. “Come on, you two.” Haley offered them one hand each and pulled them up. “Madison, you take your things out of the suitcases. I’ll put them back on hangers, and Alice, you hang them in the closet.”
Alice found it helpful to concentrate on a practical task, and even if Madison still avoided catching her eye—they would probably walk on eggshells around each other for a while—Alice knew they’d be okay. Their friendship was strong and it could recover from this blow.
Yet a suffocating pain still lingered in Alice’s chest; the hole there wasn’t healing. Making peace with Madison had not been enough. Her heart was still shattered. Her friendship with Jack was over. For the first time in her life, Alice found herself preferring no-Jack to my-friend-Jack, and that, she feared, would not change.
***
As they worked on restoring the wardrobe as a team, Madison’s phone started ringing. She dropped the dress she was carrying to take the phone out of her pocket. “It’s Vicky, my likable cousin,” she said. “I’d better pick up; she never calls unless it’s important.” Madison swiped a finger on her phone and paced around the room as she talked.
With the chain of work interrupted, they all paused to listen to the phone call.
“Hi, Vicky, what’s up?” Madison asked.
Pause.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I had a bit of a rough day.” Madison threw an apologetic glance at Alice, and Alice made an effort to smile. She couldn’t believe that less than an hour ago she’d been ready to toss her friendship with Madison into the garbage.
“She’s what? For real? How?” Madison fired questions at the phone. “You’re not joking?” She sounded incredulous. “When? So soon? All right, you too. Love you.” Madison hung up and turned to Alice. “You’re never going to believe this!”
“What?” Alice asked, wary. She’d had enough surprises today.