A Battlefield Up-to-Date
I said to Nowell at the time that I didn't altogether like the notion.He seemed astonished.
"I thought you stipulated for something both novel and surprising?"
"Yes," I admitted, "I did. But I do not want the roof blown off. Idon't want either the novelty or the surprise to go so far as that.This is an evening party, Nowell. The persons present will be friendsof mine."
Nowell was sarcastic--almost rude. He appeared to be of opinion that"A Battlefield Up-to-Date, with Realistic Illustrations andExperiments," was just the theme for a drawing-room lecture.
"Steingard," he observed, "is an enthusiast--a man in a million. Thinkof the kudos it will bring you to have the ideas of a man like thatfirst given to the world upon your premises--your party'll beimmortal. Steingard's theories will revolutionise the art ofwarfare--they'll amaze you."
Steingard was the individual who was going to lecture. I never saw himbefore that fatal night--and I've never seen him since. He had betterlet me catch him.
I did not mention to my wife what was to be the lecturer's theme untilthe actual morning of the appointed day--I had had my qualms allthrough. She at once remarked that the party would have to bepostponed--or the lecture. She was not going to have cannons let offin her drawing-room--nor dynamite either. Was I insane? or was Imerely a senseless idiot? Did I not know that the mere explosion of apistol at the theatre brought her to the verge of hysterics? Did I ordid anyone else suppose that machine-guns discharging two thousandshots a minute could be fired with impunity at her guests? Was that mynotion of an evening party? If so, perhaps I had better let the peopleknow before they came.
I assured her that there would not be any machine-guns nordynamite--nor, indeed, anything of the kind. Nowell had given me hisword of honour that there would be no explosives of any sort. Whatthere would be I did not know, but I had obtained a distinct guaranteethat there would be nothing to "go off." Still, I went to Nowell totell him I thought that perhaps after all the lecture had better beput off. Only as he turned out to be out of town, and I didn't knowSteingard's address, I felt that all I could do would be to hope forthe best.
If I had had the faintest shadow of a notion of what that best wouldbe!
As soon as the guests began to arrive I perceived that the littleprogramme I had arranged to open the evening with was not altogetherrelished.
"Well, Mr. Parker," asked Mrs. Griffin, as I met her at the door,"what are you going to give us this time to amuse us till the dancingbegins? Your ideas are always so original. Last year you gave us thatbeautiful little play."
"And this year I am going to give you something novel and surprising.The distinguished scientist, Steingard, will give you a vividimpressionistic picture of a battle up-to-date, as it will exist underconditions created by himself."
"Oh!" She looked a trifle blank. "And where is he going to give itus--in here?"
She glanced round the room, as if she felt that, for an exhibition ofthat particular kind, space was a little restricted. I admitted tomyself that the apartment was getting filled. My wife's mother becamequite excited directly she heard what was about to take place.
"My goodness gracious, Henry," she exclaimed, "whatever do you mean?You know I am so sensitive that I cannot bear the slightest allusionto war and bloodshed. I shall insist on remaining in Louisa's bedroomtill all is over."
And she did insist--showing herself to be wiser than she supposed. AsI gradually became conscious that others would have insisted had theynot feared the appearance of rudeness, I felt that Nowell had been anass in supposing that such a subject would fitly usher in a littledance, and that I had been another in not snubbing him upon the spot.So, as Steingard was behind his time, I decided that when he did comeI would ask him to stop and join the party and have a bit of supper,and just casually as it were put off the lecture to some futureoccasion.
But I was not prepared for the kind of man Steingard proved himself tobe.
Directly he arrived I ran out into the street and found him gettingout of a four-wheeled cab, the top of which was covered with largewooden cases.
"You are Mr. Steingard? Delighted to meet you. You are a littlelate; so, as we're just beginning dancing, I think we'll have thelecture some time next week. But of course you'll stop and jointhe--eh--festive throng?"
"Your name is Barker?"
I explained that my name was Parker. He spoke with a strong foreignaccent, and in a tone of voice which I instinctively disliked. He wasabout six and a half feet high, and had a moustache which stood outthree inches on either side of his face; not at all the sort oflooking person with whom one would care to quarrel.
"I have not come to be made a fool of," he remarked. "I have come togive a lecture, and that lecture I will give!"
And he gave it. It is all very well to say that when I saw what sortof man he was I ought not to have let him into the house. But he wasinvited, and I have the instincts of a gentleman. So they hauled fourgreat wooden cases up the stairs. It took six strong men to do it;they broke the banisters and knocked pieces out of the wall as theywent. When the cases were opened they proved to be full of bottles ofall sorts, shapes, sizes, and colours.
"Reminds you of the old Polytechnic. Do you remember the Leyden jarsthey used to have?"
When George Foster said that in a sort of whisper I thought ofEdison's ideas of the dreadful part which electricity might be made toplay in modern warfare. I did not require any illustrations ofelectrocution in my house, so I asked the lecturer a question.
"I suppose it has nothing to do with electricity?"
"Electricity? It is not electricity which kills men like flies, do notbelieve it. It is what I have in here."
He waved his hand towards his bottles. His manner was not reassuring.
"And of course there's nothing explosive?"
"Explosive? What have I to do with explosives?--ask of yourself. It isnot dynamite, it is not melinite, it is not cordite which destroysmillions. It is noding of the kind. The Great Death is in thesebottles."
He said this in a way which made me quite uncomfortable--it was mostunsuited to an evening party. Every moment I liked the fellow less andless, towards his bottles I felt an absolute aversion. I own that myimpulse would have been to have sneaked out into the street andstrolled round the square till the lecture was finished. But as Ioccupied the position of host I was in duty bound to see it through.And I did. Shall I ever forget it? Anything more monstrous thanNowell's idea of what was a fitting prelude to a little party I neveryet encountered.
The lecturer commenced. He was as grave as a judge. It gave you thecreeps to hear him. There was nothing humorous about him; he was adreadful man. His accent was peculiar.
"In modern warfare de battle is not to de soldier, it is to deghemist. I will prove it to you very easily. I have here dree bottles.They are little bottles"--they were, quite small--"yet I have only totake de stoppers out and you will know it as certainly as if I hadexploded dree dynamite bombs."
I am sure the people paled, it was enough to make them.
"De first bottle will make you cough, de second will affect youreyesight, and de dird bottle will make you ill. I will soon show toyou dat I am not lying. From de first bottle I will now take destopper."
He did, before anyone could stop him; in fact, before I, for one, hadany idea of what it was that he was driving at. Directly he did so theatmosphere of the room became impregnated with an acrid odour whichhad a most irritating effect on the tonsils of the throat. Whether theman was a maniac or not, to this hour I have not certainly decided;but there he stood, the stopper in his hand, the atmosphere growingworse and worse, my guests staring at him with scared faces, everysecond increasing their sense of discomfort. One person began tocough, then another, then another, until presently everyone wascoughing as I doubt if they had ever coughed before. It was a horridspectacle. As for me--my throat is uncomfortably sensitive--I expectedevery moment I should
choke.
"Did I not say," observed the scoundrel Steingard, "dat de firstbottle would make you cough? I will now replace de stopper."
He replaced it. By degrees that peculiar acrid quality in the airbecame less prominent. People began to recover--just in time. It is mybelief that if they had continued to cough much longer somethingserious would have happened. As it was several of them were tooexhausted to be able to give expression to their feelings in audiblespeech.
"I will now remove de stopper from de second bottle."
Had I been able to do so I should have prevented him, even at the riskof a scene--I am sure I should, I don't care who denies it. But thetruth is I was so shaken that it was all I could do to stand, andbefore I was sufficiently recovered to allow of my interference themiscreant had worked his wicked will. He had unstoppered bottle No. 2,and for the former acrid odour there was substituted a pungentsomething which affected one like an unusual kind of smelling-salts.One's eyes not only began to water, they continued to water. Theywatered more and more. The tears trickled down our noses. We had touse our pocket-handkerchiefs to mop them up with. The more we moppedthe more they flowed. It was ludicrous. We were literally blinded byour tears. Nothing could have been more out of place in a jovialgathering. For my part my lachrymal ducts were acted on to such anextraordinary extent that I could see nothing. I endured the acme ofdiscomfort.
"Did I not say," remarked the experimental Steingard--he spoke as ifhe were uttering the merest commonplace!--"dat de second bottle wouldaffect de eyesight? Did I choose, de mere continuation of de stopperout of de bottle in de end would make you blind. But for our purposeto-night it is not necessary to go so far as dat. We will now pass onto de dird bottle."
"Pardon me, sir--excuse me for one moment!" The interruption came fromGeneral Wheeler, and evinced considerable presence of mind. Steingardpaused with his hand upon the stopper. The General went on. "Did Iunderstand you to say that the effect of unstoppering that otherbottle will be to make us ill?"
"Yes, my friend, dat is so. I am now about to show it to you."
"You needn't, it is unnecessary. I'm ill already. So ill, indeed, thatI shall send for a physician the instant I reach home. And I'm goinghome at once. If this is a party it's the first I've ever been to, andI'll take my oath it shall be the last. Now, Mrs. Wheeler! Now,Augusta! Philippa! Mary! Matilda! Lucy! you girls! George! Frederic!Ferdinand! you boys, put your things on and come away with me at once.We're not going to stop here to be slaughtered by way of illustratinga murderous lecture on warfare up-to-date."
And the General began to collect his numerous progeny with what was,undoubtedly, a considerable show of heat. That he should have beenmoved to such behaviour in my house was most distressing. My wiferegards the Wheelers as being among the most distinguished of heracquaintance--though an uglier lot of girls I never saw. But theGeneral was not the only person who felt himself outraged--I wish hehad been.
"Oh!--oh!--oh! Take me out of this dreadful house before I faint!"
That's what my wife's aunt, Mrs. Merridew, said before the wholeassemblage--and from that particular aunt my wife has always had themost sanguine expectations. Of course, when she went on like that, mywife began at me--there are occasions on which Louisa has no sense ofpropriety, nor of justice either.
"This is Mr. Parker's idea of a little surprise! You can always relyon Mr. Parker doing anything to please his friends! When Mr. Parker'sin sight you never need look far for a fool!"
That was the sort of remark she kept making--out loud; it was mostannoying. I endeavoured to calm her, and the General, and Mrs.Merridew, and others--for I was pained to see that a general feelingof unrest was making itself unpleasantly obvious. While I wasstriving, as it were, to spread oil upon the troubled waters, thevoice of the miscreant Steingard was heard to observe:
"I will now remove de stopper from de dird bottle. If de ladies andgentlemen will keep deir seats dey will be de better able toabbreciate de success of dis exberiment."
In a moment the room was filled with a perfume--I use the wordadvisedly!--of a kind which no pen could adequately describe. Neverdid I come across anything of the sort before--it was astounding.Most of the people had been standing up; there and then they most ofthem sat down again--they had to. I noticed the General drop back onto his chair with a kind of gasp. Folks looked at each other withstartled faces; they looked at me; they looked at the lecturer--thatbottle fiend; they looked about them dumbly, as if in search ofsomething--speech was impossible while that bottle remainedunstoppered. Their countenances were transfigured--it is really noexaggeration to say that they turned most of the colours of therainbow. Some crammed their handkerchiefs into their mouths; somepinched their nostrils between their fingers; some clapped their handsto the pits of their stomachs. Nothing they could do was the slightestprotection against the mephitic vapours which issued from thatunstoppered bottle. It was a moving spectacle to see those people allbent double--especially if you regarded it from the point of view ofthe host, and remembered that you had invited them to an eveningparty.
At last--it seemed a long at last to me, but I suppose, after all, itcould only have been a second or two--at last those against the doorbegan to shuffle through it--when they were once through they neverstopped till they had rushed downstairs and were out into the street.Others followed, a tottering crew, so that by degrees the room wasemptied, and finally--a happy finally!--my guests, my wife, and Istood, a shivering crowd, on the windblown pavement.
At this point the demon Steingard came out on the landing and shoutedto us, so that we heard him in the street.
"Did I not say de dird bottle would make you ill? Very well den--is itnot true? Has it not routed you--like a flock of sheep? Just so wouldit rout an army. Not all de armies of all de nations would standagainst dat bottle when it was unstobbered. Now, ladies and gentlemen,if you will return I will bass on to a fresh branch of my subject--or,rather, I will commence my subject brober, and I will show you dingscombared to which that bottle is as noding--noding at all. You shallsee if I am lying."
That frightful threat finished it; settled the affair out of hand;concluded it at once. Nothing thereafter could have persuaded myguests to stand upon the order of their going. They went atonce--before the party had had a chance of starting. It was worse thana catastrophe--it was a cataclysm. I can only trust that such adisaster is unparalleled in the history of festive gatherings. I hadnot the heart to attempt to stay their going. I was too demoralised,both physically and mentally. The impression made upon me by thatthird bottle was an enduring one.
When I returned into the house the creature who was the cause of allthe trouble was still standing on the landing. He appeared unconsciousof the deeds which he had done.
"I am waiting. Do not de ladies and gentlemen return?"
"Mr. Steingard," I said, with as much firmness as at that moment I hadit in my power to display, "come downstairs and bring your bottleswith you."
He seemed at a loss to understand my meaning.
"My friend, what do you mean? My lecture is hardly begun--my lecturebrober not at all."
"Begun!" I screamed. "Begun!--It's finished!--So's the party!"
He actually betrayed symptoms of irritation.
"Noding of de kind--what you know of it? I have still sixty-sevenbottles with which I wish to try my little experiments."
That was enough for me. Still sixty-seven bottles! And, for all Iknew, or for anything I could do to prevent him, he might unstopperthem, not only one by one, but all together, and at any moment. Half adozen policemen were outside--they had gathered together under theapparent impression that in my establishment a riotous assemblage wastaking place. I called three or four of them into the house. I pointedto Mr. Steingard on the landing.
"Put that man outside--with his bottles!"
A painful and, I may add, an expensive scene ensued. But at last therewas an end of Steingard, and of the party.
The next day I called on Nowell. He had r
eturned to town.
"Nowell," I asked, more in sorrow than in anger, "what induced you tosuppose that 'A Battlefield Up-to-Date, with Realistic Illustrationsand Experiments,' would be a suitable subject for an evening party?"
He put his feet on the table and his hands in his pockets, and herattled his coppers--and he smiled.
"Well, you see, my dear Parker, I wasn't invited. I am aware that itwas an oversight--the purest oversight. But, of course, if I had beeninvited I should not have recommended Steingard's lecture."
I was aware he had not been invited--perfectly aware. There had beenno oversight about it. The man is not a member of our social circle.We had never meant to invite him. But to think that merely on thataccount he should have played us such a trick!
It just shows what an amount of malevolence is hidden away in thedepths of human nature.
At the present moment I am scarcely on speaking terms with a singleone of my old friends. They all seem to think that I did it onpurpose.