CHORUS-LEADER
It’s time we women stood up for ourselves,
and glorified the name
Which graces a gender that none much praise
and all and sundry blame.
According to you we’re a plague and a curse,
the source of trouble and strife
And grief and war and sorrow and pain –
everything dire in life!
That’s all very well, but tell me this:
if what you say is right,
Why do you marry us, when we’re so bad,
and earn yourselves a blight?
790 You will not allow us to leave the house,
or even peep out the door,
And if ever you find your wife has gone out,
you bellow and rage and roar.
But what you should do, if your taunts are true,
and women are what you say,
Is give thanks to the gods on bended knee
for taking your troubles away.
She may have been paying a friendly call
on someone who’s just had a son,
And sleeping it off quite innocently
when the games and dancing are done.
But what do you do? Do you leave it be?
Of course not, you moan and complain,
Then gather your strife, your ‘source of all friction’,
and drag her back home again.
If a wife is spied when she happens to lean
from her window to take in the view,
Do you shrink from the sight of this fearful blight,
as you might be expected to do?
No, you peep and you peer, you snigger and leer,
and when she recoils in disdain
You don’t disappear, you just wait there all day
till she comes to the window again.
800 I think I have shown by these cases alone,
that the female sex is the best;
But if you’re not sure, it can still be proved,
by this comparative test.
Just mention a man – think hard as you can –
we’ll better him, despite his fame.
I swear we can find a woman to surpass
any man you’re willing to name.
[Members of the chorus impersonate the various characters as they are mentioned.75]
Charminus, you say? Why, his fleet ran away!
We don’t have to look very far:
Here’s Nausimache, ‘Pugnacious at Sea’,
to show you what cowards you are.
Oh, here’s Salabaccho, the queen of the drabs:
can anyone viler be found?
Why, yes, she’s a model of virtue and grace,
if Cleophon’s knocking around!
Stratonice, my dear, come, stand over her!
Her name means ‘Unbeaten in War’.
I’d like to see any man taking her on:
your Marathon days are no more.
And as for Euboule, ‘Good council’, well, truly –
can any ex-councillor claim,
When handing his job to another last year,
to have earned such a glorious name?
810 Have you heard of a woman who’d steal from the State
to the tune of a million or so,
Then ride in a coach with pockets distended,
Like one politician we know?
You won’t catch a woman behaving like that;
it’s not good and it isn’t right.
Her spoils from the larder when her husband’s away,
she pays back the very same night.
CHORUS
Well, you must admit it’s true
That it’s chiefly among you
That gluttons, thieves and criminals abound.
Have you heard of banditresses,
Let alone hijackeresses?
Are there many female pirates to be found?
And then there’s your omission
820 To keep up your old tradition
As the women of our race have always done:
We maintain our ancient craft
With the shuttle and the shaft
And the parasol – our shield against the sun.
But the shafts of war are dusty,
And the points have all gone rusty,
And though, like us, you ought to have a shield,
It’s all too often better not to
Ask a soldier where it’s got to –
In case it’s been abandoned on the field!
830 If ever it came to be tried in court,
we’d have charges by the score
To bring against men, but I’ll tell you the thing
that really makes us sore:
If one of us women should bear a son
who does fine things for the State,
An admiral, or a general, say –
anyone brave or great –
She ought to be treated with greater respect
and seated in the front row
At all of the games and festivals
where women are wont to go;
But as for the mother whose son is a coward,
no good for the army or fleet,
She should have to come with her hair cropped short
and sit in a commoner’s seat.
When Lamachus’ mother attends the games,
do you citizens think it right
840 That Hyperbolus’ mother76 should sit there too,
in a robe of spotless white,
Lending out money? One thing I know –
if she tried to make me pay
At the rate of whatever per cent per month,
I’d grab the money and say:
‘We endured your son, do you want us to bear
your rates of interest too?
Be gone, be gone! We’ve borne enough –
and so, by heaven, have you!’
ACT TWO
Scene 1: The same. There is no break in the action.
[MNESILOCHUS is seated on the steps of the altar. CRITYLLA is guarding him.]
MNESILOCHUS I’m going cross-eyed with all this watching and waiting. And still no sign of him. I wonder what’s holding him up. Perhaps he’s embarrassed because his Palamedes is
850 lifeless. Now which of his plays can I lure him with? I know! I’ll use his brand-new Helen.77 I’m certainly dressed for the part.
CRITYLLA Now what mischief are you up to? What’s the matter with you, rolling your eyes like that? You’ll find yourself ‘between Hell an’ high water’78 if you’re not careful. Just sit there quietly till the magistrate comes.
MNESILOCHUS [as Helen]
Here flows the Naiad-haunted Nile, whose streams
In place of rain refresh the plains, and bring
Relief to Egypt’s dark-clogged citizens.79
CRITYLLA You’re up to no good, I can see that, by Hecate.80
MNESILOCHUS
860 Great Sparta was my home, and great the fame
My father Tyndareus had.
CRITYLLA Was he your father? I thought it was Phrynondas.81
MNESILOCHUS
My name
Is Helen.
CRITYLLA At it again – pretending to be a woman! Before you’ve even been punished for your first time.
MNESILOCHUS And so many lost their lives On grim Scamander’s banks82 because of me.
CRITYLLA It’s a pity you didn’t lose yours.
MNESILOCHUS
Now I sit here; but of my dearest spouse,
The wretched Menelaus, there is no sign.
Why do I go on living?
CRITYLLA Don’t ask me, ask the crows.
MNESILOCHUS
And yet, and yet, there flickers in my heart
870 A spark of hope! O Zeus, deceive me not!
[Enter EURIPIDES, dressed for the part of the shipwrecked Menelaus.]
EURIPIDES
What lord within these rugged
halls resides?83
Will he give shelter to a shipwrecked crew
That lately grappled with the stormy seas?
MNESILOCHUS
These are the halls of Proteus.
EURIPIDESWho is he?
CRITYLLA [to EURIPIDES] Take no notice, he’s having you on.
It’s ten years, at least, since old Proteas84 died.
EURIPIDES
Unto what country have we steered our ship?
MNESILOCHUS
Egypt.
EURIPIDES
Alas, so many miles from home!
CRITYLLA You mustn’t believe a word he says – he’s talking
880 nonsense. You’re at the Thesmophorion in Athens.
EURIPIDES
Is Proteus here at home, or is he out?
CRITYLLA You must still be suffering from seasickness. I’m telling you, Proteas is dead. At home, indeed!
EURIPIDES
What, dead? How sad! But where is he interred?
MNESILOCHUS
His tomb is here, where I am sitting now.
CRITYLLA You’ll come to a bad end, truly you will, calling the sacred altar a tomb!
EURIPIDES
What makes you sit all day upon a tomb?
Shrouded from head to foot?
MNESILOCHUS
890 I am to wed –
Not of my own accord – the son of Proteus.
CRITYLLA Why do you keep telling the gentleman such lies?
[To EURIPIDES] I tell you, sir, this man is up to no good. He just sneaked in among the women to steal their jewellery.
MNESILOCHUS
Yes, scold away! Pile insults on my head!
EURIPIDES
Who is this shrew that does abuse you so?
MNESILOCHUS
Why, she is Proteus’ daughter, Theonoë.85
CRITYLLA I beg your pardon, but I’m nothing of the kind. My name is Critylla, daughter of Antitheos, from Gargettos. The cheek of the man!
MNESILOCHUS Say what you will, I’ll pay no heed:
900 For I will never wed your brother, or be
Untrue to Menelaus, who’s in Troy.
EURIPIDES What did you say? Come, let me see your face.86
MNESILOCHUS I blush to do so, with such cheeks as these!
EURIPIDES Alas, what ails me? I can hardly speak.
O gods, what do I see? Who are you, woman?
MNESILOCHUS Who are you, sir? What strange coincidence –
You took the very words out of my mouth!
EURIPIDES Are you Hellenic, or Egyptian born?
MNESILOCHUS I? Hellenic. But tell me, what are you?
EURIPIDES You’re so like Helen – why, you must be she!
910 MNESILOCHUS You’re Menelaus – from your rags I see.87
EURIPIDES You have me right: I am that wretched man.
MNESILOCHUS Oh, take me, take me in your arms at last!
How long you took to reach your loving wife!
Let me embrace you! Lift me in your arms!
(And now, for god’s sake, get me out of here!)
CRITYLLA Anyone who tries to take you out of here, will feel the hot end of this torch.
EURIPIDES
Alas, my wife, child of Tyndareus!
Will you not let me take her home to Sparta?
920 CRITYLLA I think you’re both in this together. You can’t fool me by talking Egyptian. Well, this one’s going to be punished, at any rate: here comes the magistrate with an officer.
EURIPIDES This doesn’t look good. I’d better disappear.
MNESILOCHUS [aside to EURIPIDES] What about me? What am I to do?
EURIPIDES [aside to MNESILOCHUS] Don’t worry. I won’t let you down, so long as I live and breathe. I’ve got hundreds of tricks left. [He hurries off.]
CRITYLLA He didn’t have much luck with that bit of bait.
[Enter a MAGISTRATE and a SCYTHIAN ‘ARCHER’ or officer.]
MAGISTRATE We’ve had a report from Cleisthenes. Is this the
930 culprit? [To MNESILOCHUS] Stand up straight there! [To the SCYTHIAN] Take him off and tie him to the plank.88 Then stand him up out here so you can keep your eye on him. Don’t let anyone come near him: if anyone tries to, use your whip.
CRITYLLA That’s right, there was a fellow here just now, spinning some yarn, who nearly whisked him off.
MNESILOCHUS Oh, sir, I beg you, by your right hand – the one you hold out so readily – grant me one small favour before I die.
MAGISTRATE What is it?
940 MNESILOCHUS Tell the officer to strip me before he ties me to the plank. I’m an old man; please don’t leave me dressed up in women’s clothes. I don’t want to give the crows a good laugh as well as a good dinner.
MAGISTRATE The Council’s decision is that you are to be exposed with all this on, so that the passers-by can see what a bad egg you are.
MNESILOCHUS O saffron dress, what have you done to me?
There is no hope of rescue any more.89
[MNESILOCHUS is led into the temple by the SCYTHIAN. The MAGISTRATE and CRITYLLA also depart, leaving only the CHORUS onstage.]
CHORUS
The day of the dancing has come round again,
The day when we fast for the Goddesses Twain
And pray them to free us from sorrow and pain
And crown us with joy everlasting.
And Pauson90 is with us in spirit today:
950 For year after year he joins in when we pray
For many returns of the wonderful day
When he isn’t the only one fasting.
[The tune of the round-dance is struck up. At the CHORUS-LEADER’s summons the CHORUS form a circle.]
CHORUS-LEADER
Come forward with a tripping step and listen as I sing:
Take hands as quickly as you can and get into a ring.
Pick up the rhythm as you go, and cast a circling glance
To check on your position for the merry whirling dance.
[The round-dance proper begins.]
CHORUS
And as we dance in ecstasy, let each one raise her voice
960 In praise of the Olympian gods! We praise them and rejoice!
[As the dance proceeds, they utter ecstatic cries. During the last repetition of the tune, however, their words are addressed to the audience.91]
If any of you gentlemen expect us to abuse
The audience, take it from us, it’s not the time to choose.
A woman in a temple court should never soil her lips
With satire or buffoonery, coarse jokes or dirty quips.
CHORUS-LEADER
But now the measure must be changed, the merry whirl must end:
Step forward now, and pray the gods our revels to attend.
[The CHORUS take up positions for the second dance.]
CHORUS
Let us praise the Far-Shooter, Lord of the Lyre;92
970 And Artemis, Queen of the Bow;
And pray that Apollo will grant to our choir
The prize that is his to bestow.
Be with us, sweet Hera, great goddess and queen,
Take part in our dancing today;
Defender of marriage, protectress serene,
Lend grace to our revels and play.
On the gods of the countryside, Hermes and Pan,
And the nymphs of the woodland we call:
980 We have fasted all day, let us do what we can
With our dances to gladden them all.
[The CHORUS now partake of the ceremonial wine. The final dance, to Dionysus, is wild and maenadic in character.]
Come, leap and bound
With rhythmic sound
In Bacchic frenzy prancing!
The god of joy,
The madcap boy,
Shall lead us in our dancing!
990 Euoi, euoi!
The god of joy
Shall lead us in our dancing.
He loves to leap
&n
bsp; On hillsides steep
And dance across the mountains,
While nymphs in praise
Do sing their lays
Beside Cithaeron’s fountains.93
Euoi, euoi!
The madcap boy,
Who loves the wooded mountains!
The hills around,
In joy resound
Whenever the god advances;
The ivy weaves
Its pretty leaves
About him as he prances.
Euoi, euoi!
The god of joy
1000 Has come to lead our dances!
[Shouts and screams are heard from within the temple. The SCYTHIAN emerges carrying MNESILOCHUS, whom he has now bound to a plank. He props the plank up against one of the columns of the temple portico.]
SCYTHIAN You wanna shout, shout in da sky.94
MNESILOCHUS Oh, officer, officer, I beg you…
SCYTHIAN Iz no good begging me.
MNESILOCHUS Please, loosen the peg a bit!
SCYTHIAN Like dis?
MNESILOCHUS Aghh, you’re making it tighter!
SCYTHIAN You wan I screw harder?
MNESILOCHUS Aghh! Damn you!
SCYTHIAN You keep mouth shut! I fetch da mat. Den I guard you.
[The SCYTHIAN goes off to fetch a mat.]
MNESILOCHUS This is a fine mess Euripides has got me into.
[At this moment EURIPIDES appears95 dressed as Perseus from his play Andromeda. He just has time to make a sign to MNESILOCHUS.]
MNESILOCHUS But wait! Thank god! There’s still hope! He
1010 won’t let me down after all. He just signalled to me as Perseus. He wants me to play Andromeda. Well, I’m tied up all right, so I should look the part. He must be coming to save me. Why else would he have passed by?
[As Andromeda96]
Say, ye gentle virgins, say,
How am I to get away?
How can I to safety flee
With that Scythian watching me?
Echo, in your rocky grot,
1020 Do you hear, or do you not?
Hush your voice and save my life:
I must get back to my wife.
Pitiless, ah me,
Was the hand that bound me.
Bad enough to be alone
With that dreadful toothless crone:
Now my state is worse by far –
Lord, how rough these Scythians are!
Here my mournful moan I make,
Tied to this confounded stake,
Waiting till I end my woes
As some titbit for the crows.
Was ever a maiden
So forlorn, so forlorn?
1030 Not for me the merry dance,
While the young men round me prance;
Nor for me the bridal choir,