I am La Coke Bottle (I’m French you see) and normally, I sit in the fridge in the shelf second from the bottom in the door. Fizzzzzzzz. Actually, I am Miss Coke Bottle as I am a girl bottle. I am the 1 liter, slim, elegant and curvy good-looking one next to Milk Brick who is a bit of stodgy brute. On the other side of me is Coke Bottle. Actually, it’s MISTER Coke Bottle to you if you ask him - though he likes to be called Muscles Coke Bottle (MCB for short) by us girls. It flatters his fizzybubbles. He is the 2 liter size and has no hesitation at all about throwing his weight around. Practically every time the door opens he crashes into me. I think he does it on purpose. He just wants to feel me up. He’s a dirty old bottle just like all the other boy bottles. That’s men for you. One track non-minds. Fizzzzzz
Anyway, most of the time it is nice and dark in here as when the door closes the lights go out and we sit in pleasant silence punctuated by the odd hum from Motor. Now you guys think we are inanimate, that we don’t think and have no feelings and all that blah. You have no idea how wrong you are. Fizzzzzzz
Take MCB (Mr. CokeBottle) for example. The instant the door is closed, that guy has us in fits, he is such a clown. Open the door and he freezes and you could watch him for hours and he wouldn’t even twizzle his bottle cap a millimeter. But just close the door and Ha! All hell breaks loose. Fizzzzzzzz. No matter where he has been put on Our Shelf, he jumps onto the nearby fridge shelf, shuffles along to the end near where the door opens, bumps anyone who is sitting there out of the way and hops back onto Our Shelf right at the end near where the door opens. That way when She opens the door too fast (which is usually) he gets maximum swing, which often means he can fall out. If he does fall out he aims for Her foot (but usually misses) and hits the floor with a gas releasing thunk which tightens his skin up fit to bust. He tries to burst but has not done it yet. His father never succeeded either though he tried often enough. Fizzzzzz.
He likes to do that Fall Out trick (and recommends we try it) for a couple of reasons. Firstly, he says, when She bends over to pick him up he gets a terrific view down the front of her blouse, though why that interests him, bottle caps only knows. The other reason he says is that if she forgets he just got dropped and opens him too quickly, then he has a terrific time spraying anyone within twenty five feet with Cold Coka Gotcha Fizz. When THAT happens, he says, “You should see her label go!” Fizzzzzz.
You see, She has a hole in her label which she paints red for some unknown reason (perhaps it is part of her brand dressing). She also has other holes in her label, two of which she paints black, green or brown round the edges, and some of which she does not paint at all. Weird isn’t it? Why would you paint some
holes and not others? Fizzzzzzzz.
There is another walking bottle like Her around which is called “Husband” and that one does not paint the holes in its label. We are still trying to figure out what the color code is; must be a sell-by date coding or something. The nearer you are to the end of your shelf life, the brighter the color has to be. Or something like that. If anybody can find out what it is all about let us know. We yelled a message to Spoon, who goes into and out of Her red label hole sometimes (mostly things go in and never come out again so that must be why she seems to be getting fatter as time goes by). Maybe he can figure out what the red paint is all about. Fizzzzzzzzz.
So, returning to She’s label, whenever She gets sprayed by MCB (Mister Coke Bottle, in case you are having ink fade), She opens the red hole in her label and lets out an awful lot of noise – enough to make all us bottles vibrate and even Butter quivers a bit. Fizzzzzz.
The last time MCB pulled his “I just fell off the shelf” stunt, he scored a multiple whammy and we were in fits afterwards (but only as soon as the door was closed, until then we kept a straight label):
1) He landed on her foot, the little toe, I think. Cap-first, which hurts more I imagine.
2) She opened her red label hole and yelled what sounded like “YEEEEEEEEEow.”
3) She jumped and hit Her own bottle cap on the fridge door. More noise came out of her red colored label hole, something like “Hell!” (Anyone know what that means?)
4) She picked up MCB and opened him up. She did that too fast – I guess she was distracted because Her toe and Her bottle cap were hurting.
5) He got Her good. He sprayed the kitchen windows and the walking bottle called Husband as well. He got several bottles with one spray!
6) She let still more noise out of Her red label hole (does She have a limitless supply? As far as I know when you are bottle once you are empty, you’re empty) and that sounded like “AAAAAAAAAAAAh. There goes my clean blouse dammitdammit!”
7) The walking husband bottle opened HIS label hole and said “ah Hell, honey” (there’s that word again).
8) She threw MCB back on the shelf and he took advantage of her distraction to fall out again, but he missed her foot this time.
9) She picked him up again and really – REALLY - threw him into the fridge so hard that he fell into the vegetable bin.
10) She slammed the door.
11) We held our sides so hard! We just ROARED with laughter. We roared and roared and jiggled and wiggled!
12) She’d forgotten to put MCB’s cap on properly so MCB lay in the vegetable bin – seventh heaven he said – quietly fizzing and leaking cold coke over Lettuce, and Lettuce HATES COLD COKE! That just made MCB fizz all the harder.